Magic Medicine Day 5, Round 2

You know what I am thankful for today? That Ronan only has cancer. I am thankful that he is not a vegetable like the older boy sitting right next to me as I type this. He has to have his nurse suck the spit out of his mouth because he can’t do it himself. I am thankful that Ronan is not in a wheelchair because he has arthritis so badly that he can’t walk like the girl I met today named Cynthia. Cynthia is in high school and was of the happiest girls I’ve ever met. She sat and drew Ronan the most amazing picture of Winnie the Pooh and wheeled it over to us. Auntie Karen sat and talked with her dad and her for a long time about making sure she is getting the rights she deserves at her high school. It’s hard for her to get to class on time as well as try to carry all of her heavy books while being confined to a wheel-chair. She told her dad she needed a Kindle. It took everything I had not to just up and give her my iPad. Especially after she commented on how cool it was. You can tell they don’t have a lot. She wants a Kindle so she can read her school books easier. I am so ashamed today. Do you know what I used to think about every time I drove past Phoenix Children’s Hospital before all of this happened? I used to think about how pretty the colors of the hospital were. Never once did I stop to think about what was going on inside. How could I have been so ignorant? It makes me sick to my stomach. So, after spending so much time here I am thankful that Ronan just has cancer. And that he doesn’t have cancer so badly that he now has to have prosthetic legs like the 5-year-old girl I saw yesterday.

A beautiful life is so simple; I can’t believe I ever complained about a thing before all of this. I am humbled, embarrassed, disappointed and ashamed today. I feel like I failed as a human being for being so ignorant. It took a wake up call like Ronan getting cancer to make me realize all of this. What a jerk I was. I keep thinking crazy things like maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish and had taken the time to actually come down to this hospital and volunteer, than maybe this wouldn’t have happened to us. I know my thinking is not logical, but thoughts like this run through my head all day long. How in the hell did Ronan have cancer in his body so badly and I didn’t know it?? I am his mother, I am with him 24 hours a day. What did I miss or do wrong? Everybody says nothing, but I know I’ve failed and I will forever blame myself. Any other mother in my situation would feel the exact same way. I will carry this guilt around with me for the rest of my life. It is only when we get through this that I will allow myself to breathe again and just let go a little bit.

I’m a mess today. Thankfully, Auntie Karen is sitting with Ronan for a bit while I am out in the cafeteria area. I needed a little break, but it may be worse out here. All the sick babies and kids are breaking my heart. I will pull it together though. I have no choice; my Ronan baby needs me.

We have decided on a logo for Ronan’s Foundation. I am so excited about it. I don’t know why I didn’t think of the brilliant idea before….it was so obvious. A big thank you to Jessica Radovic..she is the one who came up with it:) When we named Ronan, Ronan; we obviously loved the strong Irish name. I also thought is was so sweet that it meant “Little Seal.” So, that is what his logo will be:) A sweet little seal. It completely fits him now because with his bald head, big eyes and long eyelashes; he looks like a little seal. It’s so funny how in life, things just fall into place and start to add up. It’s all about connecting the dots…..

10 thoughts on “Magic Medicine Day 5, Round 2”

  1. Maya, this post has hit me really hard but that is a good thing! I am happy to see you see the blessings that abound all around you and your family, even through this tough season for Ronan. He will beat this cancer thing and you will have grown so much through it all. You are such a giver which is obvious in your posts. Your heart is big to give and receive love. The Thompson crew is a blessing for so many, patients, docs and nurses through your experiences and how you are coping. Continue to be blessed. Candyce

  2. Maya, never blame yourself for not knowing your baby had cancer. The “what if’s” can really wreck havoc in your mind and I know that well from experience. My first busband died of a heart attack at age 38, I’m a nurse, an RN who should have been aware of the symptoms he was displaying, but I didn’t see them. For years I blamed myself for not knowing and I realized one day that I was too close to him to see it. We learn from these experiences of what is missing in other’s lives and how we can help. You are such an amazing woman, you have awonderful, loving family and there is much love in your heart. Ronan will survive this and you all will be stronger at the end. God watches over you every day and sends His blessings to you and your family. Christi

  3. Glad you’re realizing what’s truly important and that no ones life is perfect or amazing or without trials and tribulation. You’re so right. He only has cancer and hooefully will be a survivor someday. It could be worse. You are right. Appreciate what you have with grace and humility.

  4. You’re right. We take everything for granted until the bottom drops out from under us and we open our eyes and see how good we had/have it. We do have much to be thankful for. The doctors have found Ronan’s cancer. They are treating it. Don’t think this was by chance. This was God taking care of Ronan. He has a plan for him. Wonder what it will be…Sweet Ronan.

  5. Hi Maya, I heard about Ronan’s story thru my friend Joy and have been following for the last couple of weeks. I used to work at PCH in the Child Life Dept. till I became a foster mom and could no longer juggle two jobs and the 1 yr old that was placed with me. Ronan is at the best children’s hospital with the best doctors. I too felt like you when I worked there, so many emotions flood your mind seeing all the sick kids going thru things that no one especially a child should have to go thru. Stay strong and positive and know that so many of us are praying for Ronan and your family. He is such a cutie!

  6. Maya, This is an amazing post and I wish every mother in the WORLD could have the opportunity to read this . I know you are writing these posts from the bottom of your heart and thank you dearly for reminding us that each day with our children is a GIFT! It is so easy to get caught up with the work and “small stuff”.
    There is not a day that does not go by that I do not think of you and pray for Ronan. You are the most amazing mother and friend I have ever met and feel blessed that the twins are in school with Alessia. You mentioned you miss volunteering and being at school once before but your posts are the best form of giving back to the community that clearly loves and supports the Thompson family.

  7. Maya,
    Don’t ever feel ashamed about your thoughts and feelings, they are just that “your” feelings, all a very normal and necessary process for you as you continue on this journey. No one else can possibley understand what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes. I truely believe God has some very big plans for your life !! Love you, Aunt Joan

  8. Maya, there aren’t words to express my sorrow for Ronan and your family. You don’t know me but I have been following your story since the beginning. I check on beautiful Ronan everyday. I know Jay and Woody professionally. I believe in my heart that Ronan will beat this and you are an amazing woman. I have small children myself and my worst fear is that I would not have your strength. You inspire me. I am so sorry your family was chosen for this challenge, these things never make sense. I can’t even imagine your heartbreak. The girl you wrote about, Cynthia, does she still need a Kindle or Ipad? I would feel honored to get her one. If she does, tell me which one and I will get one for her. I will send it with Jay who I see all the time. My heart is with all of you. Go Mama! -Kimberly Anderson

    1. Kimberly~ You are too sweet. After Cynthia left the hospital I was kicking myself for not getting her info. I asked the nurse about her… but he knew very little because she is transported from somewhere else and only comes to PCH once a year. I told my nurse to please call her and give her my info so her dad could contact me. I have not heard anything yet. I was on Amazon looking at Kindle’s while she was there and I should have just bought it for her but I got distracted with Ronan. I will let you know if I hear from her dad. Thanks for the kind words:)

  9. I was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis when I was 8 and severe vasculitis at 15. I was seen at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City and then transferred to Johns Hopkins Hospital for 2nd opinions. I am now 27. I am overall healthy but still have flares. I had it all….high doses of steroids (Prednisone), Chemotherapy (Cytoxin), 25 different pills a day, pain medicine, injections….you name it. And my name just so happens to be Taylor =) (BTW- I’m a girl Taylor). I have read almost all of your blog entries and I do have to say that I sympathize with you, grieve with you, and know what that fire inside feels like to FIGHT. Fight for a cure. I am now thankfully employed with the Arthritis Foundation as the Director of Special Events and I work my ass off every day to fundraise for these kids so one day we can find a fricken cure! You are right. No child should have to endure the pain that these diseases cause. And the medicine that these doctors give…is almost worse than the disease itself. From one Foundation (The Arthritis Foundation) to another (The Ronan Thompson Foundation), lets change this world and shift our focus to what really matters. We are pulling for you. I am pulling for you. You are a strong freakin’ woman and I feel like I know you because of your thoughts and feelings. I watched my loving mother go through all the same stages you have when I was a child. I went through the anger that Ronan went through as a child. I thought, “Why me?” Anyway, I hope you find this email comforting even though I am not from a childhood cancer foundation…I still pull for you. I have the same goals and dreams you do. Bless you and your family, Maya. Take care of yourself and that little button growing inside of you. I believe he/she is Ronan’s gift to you.

    Love from Kansas City.

    -Taylor

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