No more Mr. Nice Guy

When I became a mom, I knew it was my calling in life. It was the one thing that I was meant to do and I was really, really, good at it. When my twins were born,  a lot of people wondered how I did it. How in the world did I manage to take care of two babies at once?? I honestly thought it was easy. It came very naturally to me. I always felt so honored and privledged to be a mom. Taking care of my boys was like waking up to Christmas everyday. When Ronan was born he was the perfect ending to our family. That little boy is so loved; by everyone. His big brothers think he hung the moon. I never wanted to fight this battle and be the voice for this disease. But now I have no choice. All I ever wanted to do in life was to be a mom. The PTA mom, the soccer mom, the mom who organizes all the playdates and parties, the mom who is always in the classroom, etc…. That was my life before all of this; and I loved every second of it. Now, I’m pissed. Pissed that I have to fight this fight, watch my child fight this fight, watch my husband and twin boys’ have their lives turned upside down. Now, I have no choice but to do everything I possibly can to help find a cure for this disease. I will spend the rest of my life doing this. I never wanted this. I just wanted simple. But I was chosen. So I will stand strong and make my family proud and pour everything I have into this.

I know Ronan is going to win this. I know it with every bone in my body. Because if he doesn’t, we all lose. And that is just not acceptable. He was put on this earth to do amazing things but for some reason he has to prove himself and show everybody how brave and strong he is. He is making people fall in love with him all over the world, who don’t even know him. That’s how special of a boy he is. He is my little sidekick and together with our army of angels beside us, we will get though this. Nobody is going to take this boy away from us. EVER.

Tonight, I am mad. I’m am feeling a ton of anger because that is what Ronan has been feeling lately and it makes me angry. His anger is my anger. He has been mean, violent, and self destructive. That is not my Ronan. It is of his fear and emotions coming out and he does not know how to voice them. I try to always stay calm, but sometimes I just want to start screaming and punching the walls. And after thinking about it today, I have decided if I ever see that Elizabeth Gilbert in person; I will punch her in the face. She had a choice to walk out on her marriage, and to “find herself” by traveling across the world. IDIOT. I want a fucking choice. And I don’t get one. So, sorry Elizabeth Gilbert; I don’t feel sorry for you and your stupid pain. Try being a mother and watching your baby fight for his life….. try watching the people you hold dearest to your heart hurt and suffer….. then come talk to me about writing a real book. She can take that “Eat, Pray, Love” crap and shove it.

11 thoughts on “No more Mr. Nice Guy”

  1. Be encouraged Maya! I so wish Ronan and you all didn’t have to go through this pain. I am also thankful/reminded that you all have the opportunity to fight using your resources available to you. I am thankful you all are not in a pickle where you don’t have the needed resources to get the great treatment and services that Ronan is receiving and so desperately needs. There are indeed a number of blessings in the middle of this challenging time. Stay healthy and keep that fighting spirit, that will help you all get through.

  2. Maya: Thank you for sharing so many of your deepest feelings. You bring people closer to you to help rally around Ronan and your family by doing that. Keep writing and keep fighting! You are an amazing, strong, and brave woman who knows what is important in life. Know that you are loved.

  3. I think of you, Ronan and the rest of your family every single day and you are ALWAYS included in my prayers EVERY single night before I fall asleep.I have 3 children as well – and my youngest is 3 also. Altho I can’t fathom the pain that you are going through- I feel your feelings so strongly when I read your blog and am touched by it on so many levels. You are so real, raw and loving – and you really do have people all over the country behind you and your family. I will never stop reading, praying, and fighting for a cure for Ronan and the many other children/adults affected by this terrible disease. Ever.

  4. Maya, thanks again for sharing your guts. I remember my dtr. puking her guts out and me wanting to throw the towel and bucket against the wall. anger can and does motivate.Ronan will beat this thing. My dtr. did and is a great inspiration to me. Many prayers and a big hug for you. D
    ps all that psycho babble is a bunch of BS. Others have not walked a mile in your shoes. You go girl.

  5. That’s right! You’ve f#&$*! with the wrong mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s on cancer, and you are about to get a major ass whopping by Ronan, his bad ass Sargent General mother! (And the million foot soldiers behind them ;). You better run and hide cancer cause you are dying a little more everyday and your time in this baby is DONE!

  6. You have truly earned the right to feel all you are feeling. Through this challenge, your emotions will run the gamut and back again. Its ok. You WILL get through this! Your journals are like you are describing my sister experience and feelings. I understand and my heart aches to know you are going through went we went through – but most importantly, you are not alone. You have an army of angels and unconditional love, support and prayers from everyone whose lives Ronan touches. You and Ronan are “chosen”. You are inspiring and touching people’s lives in a profound way. You are makning a difference in their lives and reminding them of what is important in this journey we call life. Hang tough, keep being strong. You are up for the challenge and the test of faith before you. Sending you lots of hugs, Cecilia

  7. A) That’s my FAVORITE photo of you & Ronan!
    B) I was dying laughing at your commentary re: Eat, Pray, Love. You’re so feisty. That’s why we love ya and that’s why you’re mama rock star.

  8. I know your frustrations…the mood swings of these precious little ones on the meds is so hard to understand….their sweet personalities change with every dose. Know that each and every cancer patient goes through these exact same characteristics..but, know this, it is the steroids and pain meds that make that change, not the sweet little spirit that begs to take back control of their life. When our Mila started on these, we were so shocked at the change, but eventually her spirit won, even though it was for such a short time. My prayers remain with you and your son and family. Remember one thing that we learned when we were going through this…cancer is strong, it has no feelings, it displays the same characteristics each and every day…what we do to combat this is up to us.
    Hugs and prayers with you each and every day and know that I have asked a little angel named Mila to stop in and put a healing hug around your neck when you feel you just can’t stand what the day has thrown at you and him.
    Sher

  9. Maya, Your such an amazing person!! And im sure at time you dont feel like it but you are so keep your head held high and keep doing what your doing!!
    Your also an amazing writer and im sure you can write a book to blow hers out the water. You have every right to be pissed!!

    PS. Love that picture of you two ♥

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