Today is the kind of day where I look at Ronan and I’m not scared. I know 100% in my heart that he is going to survive this. How could he not? He looks normal, he is acting like his crazy 3-year-old self, and he does not look the slightest bit sick. I know this will not be the case everyday… but it fills me with such hope, determination, and love. At the beginning of all of this I felt this way. When Woody and I were sitting in a tiny room together at the hospital, after hearing the diagnosis…. Woody completely broke down. I grabbed him and looked him in the eyes and said, “Listen to me. I am not scared! I am not scared at all! He is going to beat this. We can get him through this… he CAN get through this!” I know in that moment a lot of that not being scared business was the shock and numbness I was feeling. It was how I needed to feel and act at that time to get my husband not to pass out and to believe with me. I’ve had plenty of days where I am scared since then. But today is not one of them. It’s things like Ronan eating a good lunch, looking at me and saying, “I made a mess mom. Sorry. I love you.” It’s the Ronan that is outside playing baseball and whacking the ball so far that I have to chase it out to the end of the yard. It is the Ronan who wants to wrestle and light saber fight with me. He is still the same Ronan, the love of my life. He loves me too much to leave me. He loves his friends and family too much. He is not going anywhere. I know this, I believe this, I can see it in his eyes.
This morning I had lots of visitors. A friend of mine, Jaye, stopped by just for a minute to give me a hug and drop off some treats. I have not seen her in a few years and I am sorry for that. It is so easy to get caught up in day-to-day things, and before you know it it’s been 3 years since you’ve seen a good friend. I will never let that happen again. I’ve learned this lesson now, because of all of this. Life is too short to let friendships slip away. People are meant to be in your life for a reason.. and seeing Jaye today reminded me of that.
Niki, Heidi, and Lauren also stopped by all at the same time as they had just come from preschool. They came bearing coffee and brought a lot of smiles to Ronan. He didn’t even run and hide in my room! He stayed in the living room with us while we talked and he shot Niki with some darts. He giggled a lot which is the sweetest sound in the world.
So today, I feel strong. Stronger than I have in a long time. A lot of that has to do with the support and love we have surrounding us and the strength I see from Ronan. He is my little fighter and I know he won’t give up. He loves us way too much for that.