Even when I’m asleep, I dream about his cancer

Ronan fell asleep early tonight and I did too. I’m awake now because I had a terrible nightmare that Ronan had cancer. Except it wasn’t a nightmare at all. It is real. I jumped up from my dream, hoping to be home in my bed with my baby curled up beside me. But instead I am curled up in a hospital bed next to him. In my dream I was holding on to Liam and Quinn’s new teachers hand, Mrs. Martin, and two other women were praying for Ronan in a circle. We were staring at an angel on a wall. I love that even in my dreams, prayers are all around us. I also woke up thinking about a dear friend of mine, Lisa, who knows nothing about Ronan. This lady is like another mom to me and I don’t have her phone number to get a hold of her. When I got a new iPhone, half of my numbers were lost due to me not having them backed up (dummy). I sent her an email to call me. My heart is already breaking thinking about how I am going to tell her. She is like family to us.

Today was a busy day full of more tests, labs, blood work, chemo, and a broviac dressing change which was the worst thing of all I think. The chemo didn’t seem to affect Ronan at all. They start with a very mild dose and the whole thing was done in an hour and a half. Mimi Kay and Papa Charlie sat with me while Ronan had his hearing test done which required anesthesia. Tricia surprised me with a Jamba Juice and a visit and got to sit with me while we waited for Ronan to wake up. It was so nice to have her company. My little M, Marisa, also stopped by just to see my face. She is pregnant and did not want to expose Ronan to any germs so she met me in the hall just so I could see her. It was so nice to rub her beautiful pregnant belly and to hear her funny stories about her daughter, and Ronan’s girlfriend, 3-year-old Gracie. I miss her so much.

Tonight Woody stopped by for a few hours. Ronan was pretty tired but we sat and laughed and loved on him. Woody is being so positive and great. I think my pep talk worked on him because he is in really good spirits, considering what we are going through. We have already decided that Ronan is the mini Lance Armstrong. I’ll bet you Lance was a lot like Ronan at this age. And he beat the shit out of cancer, just like we are going to.

“If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell.”  ~Lance Armstrong

8 thoughts on “Even when I’m asleep, I dream about his cancer”

  1. Love that quote! So very true! I’m so glad Tricia & Marisa came by! They are such sweet, beautiful women. Woody was in great spirits last night when we came to visit, you both were. I’m so glad everyone is feeling good today!

  2. How perfect…he is a little Lance Armstrong! I’m so glad I got to see both your beautiful faces. Lots of love xoxo

  3. Sorry we didn’t get to see you last night. We had the girls with us, so we had to meet Wood in the lobby. We could tell that everyone was exhausted from a long day, but you both are doing an amazing job at setting the example for strong, positive parents! Glad to hear Ronan is handling the medicine well. We’re counting the days until he can go home to his own bed. That will make all the difference in the world for all of you! xo

  4. As you stated earlier Ronin is mad and that is the first sign of a true competitor. It has to be hard for you to see him get angry and at you, but that is exactly what you need to see from “Little Lance”.
    Your dream was of the positive things surrounding the negative cancer. The angel, you, the people praying and Mrs. Martin who is taking great care of those beautiful boys. I have not stopped thinking of you and your family since I saw you at Hopi. Please call if you need ANYTHING.

  5. You’re right. This is warfare. All kinds of fightin’ everyday against the cancer, negative thoughts, extreme frustration and short tempers, ect… I’m praying that you, Woody, Ronan and the twins will keep fighting the fight with everything you’ve got. I’m praying for God to give you the strength for this fight.

  6. In the name of Jesus you are the true and living God who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that we can think or ask. Lord I come before you for this family and their little angel. Lord you brought him into this world for a reason. This family has hope and believes that you are watching over their child. I ask you right now to touch this little angel’s body. Give him peace and comfort and for his family show them that you are real and that nothing is too hard for you. In your name Jesus Amen.

  7. I was listening to “Ronan” today and I started crying because Ronan died 3 days before his 4th birthday and my sister will be 4 in 3 days and this made me think of her. This is terrible and Ronan didnt deserve this. I am very sorry for your loss.

Leave a Reply