I will never get used to that word. It will never just roll off my tongue.
Today is Ronan’s first treatment, and he needs it. He’s crying that his legs hurt, and I know the cancer is spreading there.
We were up early because they needed him to pee so they could measure it. He is mad and already fighting me about everything. It took me 15 minutes to talk him into peeing in his little bucket.
He told me he hates me and kicked me out of his bed.
I just don’t understand any of this anymore.
How did this happen?
Isn’t this the same child I just spent the entire summer with — playing, laughing, loving?
And now we’re in a hospital where his entire body is being invaded by this awful disease.
He has to have anesthesia around noon, which means no eating or drinking. These days are the worst because he doesn’t understand why he can’t eat or drink when he’s hungry. He thinks I’m just being mean.
I will pray that we get through today quickly and painlessly. I will pray that he cooperates and doesn’t unhook one of the lines to his Broviac like he did last night. He is so fast and tricky.
It has always been Ronan’s way or the highway.
I really hope today he gives in just a little bit and listens to me.
It would make things so much easier.
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