Today I hung out with Ronan most of the day. We played in bed, walked the halls and then around noon, Mimi, Papa, and Wood came to visit. I was trying to sneak out of the hospital to go home and shower and change clothes, but Ronan was not having any of it. He was really upset to see that I was going to leave him. I finally snuck out around 2 and met up with Woody at home where we had lunch and tried to have a conversation about something other than the fact that our son has cancer. How do you even have a normal conversation anymore? Everything seems so pointless and stupid. While we were home, sitting on the couch I had the T.V. on in the background to try to keep my mind on something else. I’ve never been huge into T.V. but one of my guilty pleasures has been “The Real Housewives of New York City.” That show just happened to be on and I sat and watched it for about 10 minutes. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I was listening to a bunch of ungrateful, stupid ladies, who don’t have a care in the world; complain and bitch about everything and anything they could possibly think of. How in the world did I possibly sit and watch this show before all of this? I guess it was because I lived in my little bubble where my life was perfect and I didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t know any better. And maybe that’s how life should be because it was a very nice life. But it is not my life anymore; and it never will be again.
Woody picked the twins up from school for me and I stayed at home and passed out. Hard. I shut all of our shutters, closed the drapes and slept for a solid 2 hours. I woke up and immediately felt guilty for not spending that time with Liam and Quinn. I spent a little time doing normal things with them like talking about school, going over homework, and unpacking their lunches. I had them shower and change clothes and then took them to the hospital to see Ronan. They stayed and played for a good hour which is always good for everybody. I had a lovely visit with a lady named Joanie who I’ve spoken on the phone to several times after finding out Ronan had neuroblastoma. Her son was diagnosed with the same thing when he was Ronan’s age and is now off at the University of Arizona living a happy and healthy life. She was like a breath of fresh air for me. I feel like I’ve known her my entire life. The first time I talked to her was after Ronan’s surgery when we were in the PICU. That was not even a week ago but I swear it feels like a year. I remember our first conversation and I was so scared and I was still trying to grasp what was happening to our family. Tonight after meeting her I instantly felt safe and secure. I know that she is another one of Ronan’s angels and he is going to make it through this.
My two other girlfriends stopped by as well. Jen and Olivia whom I have known since the 8th grade. We were always friends growing but nothing like the friendship I have developed with them in the last year. I know no matter what, those two will always have my back. They will fight for me and my family until the day they die. And I would do the exact same thing for them. They are both such strong, smart, women. I am so lucky to have them in my life. They say laughter is the best medicine and I know whenever those two are around, there is never a shortage of that. I needed to laugh tonight because tomorrow my 3 year old starts chemo. And that is not going to be fun.
Another huge thing that makes me so mad about this is the fact that I do not get to be a mom to my twins for a while. That is so unfair. I was born to be a mom, I take such pride in my kids. My 7 year olds are great examples of how wonderful kids can turn out with the right parenting. And now that is just taken away from me and I have no say at all. That is just cruel and breaks my heart. I find comfort in the fact that I don’t have to worry about them as much because the groundwork has been done. They are very respectful, good, boys. And I know they are in the BEST care in the world with my in-laws and husband around to take care of them. But it still makes me sad because that is MY job. I am now learning the hard way that when it comes down to it, you really have no control over your life. So you’d better be making the BEST of it while you can. You never know if or when you will be hit with something awful like this.