Learning how to live, half alive


Ronan. My heart is still heavy. My mind is still a mess. I didn’t cry today though. I have no doubt that my pillow will be soaked tonight when all is quiet and the memories of you trickle in. Night time is hard. I fall asleep and wish for you to wake me up with one of your famous, “Good morning, Mom!” You were always so excited for our days. Back when you were healthy I would pretend I was still asleep just so I could listen to you run to my room after you had woken up to give me a kiss and tell me good morning. It was one of my favorite things in the world. You would never want to get in bed with me and cuddle; instead you would demand that I get up to make your breakfast and wake up your brothers for school. I was always happy to do this for you. Everyday with you was the best day of my life. I can’t believe I will never have that again. I would give anything for you, Ronan. I remember how when I would take you out, how many people would stop me to tell me you were the most beautiful boy they had ever seen. I used to joke with Tricia that I felt like I was with a celebrity when I was with you. We called you our mini Brad Pitt baby. You had an impact on everyone even before you were sick just because of the beauty that people saw from the outside. They didn’t even know the beauty you possessed on the inside. I still can’t believe you aren’t mine anymore. I still don’t understand why you had to leave. I asked Dr. Maze if he thought that you heard me as I was talking to you before you went… those last few minutes when I told you it was time to go. When I told you to come with me, because we were getting out of this place. He says he thinks you did, as many people say a persons hearing is the last thing to go. I wish I would have said more to you. I wish I could have told you everything I was feeling in my heart but that would have been impossible. I know you know how much I love you. I will never get over the fact that I alone couldn’t save you. I’ll always think that I let you down because I couldn’t fix you. I know there was nothing I could do as your disease was so uncontrollable but that guilt will never go away. I am so, so, sorry Ronan. I would have traded my life a million times over for yours. I think about this every single day.

I’m not sure what just happened…. except for while I am writing to you I am of course listing to Pandora. I have it on the Coldplay playlist. Right when the tears where pouring down my cheeks, this random song came on. One I have never heard before but here are the lyrics…….

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I’m fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by thy help I’m come
And I hope by thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

Whatever. I’m still too mad to think this is anything. But I will say that the piano playing this song was pretty. I miss you so much. I know I tell you this all of the time, but I will miss you for the rest of my life. I worry so much about you. I still cannot believe you are safe and happy without us. How could that be possible? I know I took better care of you then anyone. You deserve to be with me still. Your daddy watches me and the way I sit and am still with my thoughts. He knows I am tortured. I actually said to him that we made a mistake with your treatment. We should have done this, we should have done that, we should have been more aggressive. I know I am wrong about this. Nobody knew what was to come. Your daddy talked to all the best doctors and they all agreed with what we were doing. I told your daddy we should have had you scanned after every round of chemo. Nobody would have done this for us. But this is the only way we would have known that everything was spreading so rapidly. The day of your last scans, at Sloan…. Dr. Kushner’s face will haunt me for the rest of my life. He knew you were going to die. He couldn’t even look at me, Ro. Walking out of Sloan, they all knew you were going to die. But I wish they could have told me, instead of avoiding me and my tears. I don’t think badly of Dr. Kushner at all. If I saw him today, I would give him a great big hug and thank him for all he is doing to try to figure out this disease. I guess I’m just having a hard time because I feel like I didn’t get closure with him. I feel like he owed you more than the send off he gave us. But I also get that he is a man. A brilliant man and an amazing doctor. And I am sure he feels like he failed us and that is a hard pill to swallow. I get all that. But I also get that you deserved more, little man. Because you are going to change the world of this disease and I know someday he will be telling you thank you, Ronan. I will make sure of this. You will not be forgotten by him. And someday, I hope to replace a new image of him in my head from the awful one I am left with. I don’t want to carry that around with me forever.

I drew your name in the sand tonight while I was on my run. I went for a run on the beach in the dark. It is the only way I like to run now. In the dark, alone, where I don’t have to look at anyone in the eyes and I don’t have to see all the happiness surrounding me. All of that stings so badly. I don’t know if that pain will ever go away. We used to be that family. The perfect family that had it all. We had it all because of you. Now we are all so wounded, so empty. Although I did hear your brothers laughing today. I played with them all morning. I tried to stay focused on them, but my mind kept wandering back to how different everything would be about our day if you had been with us. Nothing about our day would have been the same; you changed everything.

G’nite my little man. Everyone is asleep now. Quinn is right next to me, all cuddled up with your blanket, GiGi. I’m going to cuddle up to him now. See you in my dreams, baby doll. I love you.

xoxo

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73 Comments

  1. Hattie

     /  May 27, 2011

    Precious mother,
    I am a 31 year old Christian mother of a 3 year old girl and an 11 month old boy. I read your posts as I nurse my baby to sleep every night. I just want you to know that when you mentioned your experience with the ‘Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing’ song, I got a knot in my stomach and became teary-eyed, and even more so when you mentioned you enjoyed the piano. You see, this was one of my favorite hymns growing up, especially the music, so I taught myself to play it at home (‘by ear’ – I can’t read music) on the piano in Jr. High or so

    Reply
  2. Hattie

     /  May 27, 2011

    (Sorry, this phone…) Anyway, I just want you to know that you are on my heart. I understand that you are suffering so incredibly. I do believe something huge will come of this, and you will be lifted up. With Love, Hattie

    Reply
  3. Cissy

     /  May 27, 2011

    I know some of what you feel. I lost my brother and I can remember how can I ever be happy again. If I am, it is a denial that I loved him. I , like you , would try to be strong around my family, but when they were gone I would wail, like a wild animal and beat the walls and scream at God. I could not pray. I was so angry at God. I remember as time passed , that i would find myself enjoying something and then it would hit me, like a punch in the stomach. HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY, SAM IS GONE????? My brain would shout it at me. I was at a football game and it was a beautiful fall day and the sun was shining just enough to make you warm and so relaxed and the band was playing , and my brain , YANKED ME BACK. This lasted for a while. He is gone. Gone forever and he died so horribly. He burned to death. He disappeared, like a magician had made him go poof. We could not see him. Maybe he was alive, somewhere and I cannot find him. How do I really know he is dead? I did not get to touch his body. I craved to just touch his bones to know he was gone and to say goodbye. That has been 30 years ago, and I have happiness now, but I still cry for him. You will always cry for Ronan. As long as you have breath, and your mind can speak to you, you will cry for him. But, you will go on and you will have joy again.The song you heard is one I know well. I have sang it most of my life in Church. It is a beautiful song. Maybe Ronan sent it to you. It is my prayer that at somepoint, you will be able to hear and realize this song. “It Is Well With My Soul”. If you do not know it, you might look it up and listen to it. I am sorry for your suffering and I am sorry for your family, because they suffer too, but they know you feel the pain more and they do not know how to help you. Time, time is what it takes and just let the grief out, when you are alone. scream it out. There is a therapy called “Groan Therapy” , where you curl up in a fetal position and you moan and groan to the depth of your soul. You let it out. This also helps. I know as a mother we try to hold up for our family, so do it when you are alone. I know Ronan is free of pain. I am grateful for that. He wants you to be also. It is a LIE, that to be happy again, is a betrayal of the love you felt for him. It just takes a while to know it.
    Cissy L

    Reply
  4. Glenda

     /  May 27, 2011

    Maya thinking of you and sending you hugs. My heart aches for you.

    Sweet dreams with Rockstar Ro!! To the moon & back!

    XO

    Reply
  5. Nancy Weber

     /  May 27, 2011

    Ronan is still yours Dear Maya and he always will be…xox

    Reply
  6. Sarah

     /  May 27, 2011

    Maya,
    Im so sorry for all that your family has gone through. I have read your blogs from the beginning. You have the brightest star shining down on your family, Ronan. I can’t even imagine how you and your family are dealing with the loss. My heart goes out to you
    ~Sarah

    Reply
  7. Laura

     /  May 27, 2011

    Try at truly enjoy and just be engulfed by the love of your boys. So glad you are all together, just love on each other. Enjoy the waves and build sandcastles. Glad you are at the beach it can be very healing.
    All our love to your entire family.

    Reply
  8. Paul

     /  May 27, 2011

    I really wish that the lesson Maya would have learned through all of this is that there is no such thing as a perfect family that has it all. No one and nothing is perfect and there is no such thing as having it all. Sorry, but needed to be said.

    Reply
    • Allison

       /  May 27, 2011

      Nope, it really didn’t need to be said, Paul.

      Reply
    • Bree

       /  May 27, 2011

      I agree with Allison. From a mother’s point there is perfection in the imperfect life of your family being complete. Of the day to day battles of having your children fighting and the day to day struggles of survival. It is the imperfect death of a child that NO parent should have to deal with that she battles and NO JUDGEMENT is allowed here.

      Maya, all mother’s understand you. The worst moment of pain with your children is perfect compared to any moment lost without. Love to you all.

      Reply
    • Jamie

       /  May 27, 2011

      yea that didn’t need to be fucking said at all.

      Reply
    • Lisa Streu

       /  May 27, 2011

      Wow, Paul, your comment is without a doubt quite heartless. Perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. I happen to believe that my family, with all of its crazy antics outsiders may consider to be “flaws,” is the most perfect family anyone could ever ask for. As for Maya, she is mourning the death of Ronan by remembering all of the wonderful, “perfect” times she and her family, with Ronan, created. For you to come on here and attempt to shatter those memories is despicable.

      Reply
      • Jamie

         /  May 27, 2011

        well said Lisa. I like the word you used at the end of your sentence. despicable. because that’s what his comment is. despicable.

    • Annie :)

       /  May 28, 2011

      Fuckin really Paul??? Really? This is a beautiful page set up for a beautiful little boy and his momma, don’t try to take that away from her. Perfect is what u feel in ur heart not what other people perceive, so let that be a lesson learned!!!

      Reply
    • Amy Jo

       /  May 28, 2011

      This statement is heartbreaking, if you have read this blog from the beginning, you would know that Maya’s understanding of the word “perfection” resonated in her family, 3 little boys and 1 amazing husband and “their perfect little life” I don’t see how anyone can judge or correct her on a PERSONAL blog. I’m sure intentions were in the right place but can everyone THINK before they hit send? That is the one wish I have for all readers, if you can’t offer support or love please don’t put “more” on this woman’s load…….we have no right to judge.

      That said, Maya & Ronan, you have touched SO many people and from what i’ve read changed a lot of people’s behaviors for the better…….thank you for including us, as you could always “block comments” Love and Prayers everyday. You are amazing.

      Reply
    • Kendra

       /  May 28, 2011

      What a terrible thing to say. Show me one mother who doesn’t believe that she has achieved perfection in giving life to her babies. Believing in the perfect life and the perfect family is a blessing. No one should ever have to learn the “lesson” you speak of, Paul.

      Reply
    • Rosemary S.

       /  May 28, 2011

      Wow…seriously? There is no perfect family? Mine is perfect. My grandchildren are perfect. Every breath that a person experiences is perfection. Love is perfect. I am sorry that you do not realize that yours is perfect also…worts and all.

      Reply
    • K.M

       /  May 29, 2011

      Please get off this blog Paul. That was just plain mean. Perfection is everywhere and in everything, especially children. MAYA’s life was perfect as is anyone’s who is lucky enough to have healthy children and a strong marriage.

      Reply
    • Emily

       /  December 8, 2012

      No, that didn’t need to be said ! :(

      Reply
  9. Mandy

     /  May 27, 2011

    I will continue to pray for a new kind of happiness with your family!

    Reply
  10. Colleen LaBiche

     /  May 27, 2011

    Hey Maya,
    I just wanted to share a short story with you. My sister, connie, who wrote ‘before you speak’ that I shared with you she wrote this for her granddaughter, my niece, that was taken from us a year ago today. She is in the process of illustrating and getting it published but I wanted to share it with you anyway. She is hoping that it helps us introduce Kylie to others later in our lives that wont get the priviledge in meeting her and hopes it connects those we have lost to separation in any matter.
    Here is the link: Titled Kylie’s Kite http://mywordsmittenworld.blog.com/2011/05/26/kylies-kite/

    Reply
  11. RONANS FAN

     /  May 27, 2011

    maya,
    just wanting you to know your in my thoughts everyday, plz keep the ones who are helping you get thru this close to you!
    plz remember as a mother you did all that you could do! your forever an amazing mom of 3 boys, i cant seem to get your family out of my head! i think about your family often thru out the day, wondering if your okay,
    Your strength is so amazing to me! you find the time thru all the heart ache to sit down and to write.
    i pray that youll be able to one day run in the sun and smile about with others, (i worry you running alone at night) but if thats your outlet then keep running (with mace) :). I just cant tell you how proud i am of you for continuing to push forward even if takes so much energy, you continue to wake up each morning, to give your boys the best life they can have in this time of loss, your truely my idol my mentor and your forever in my heart.
    with as much love as i can give i give it to your family!
    Maya you truely are a beautiful woman inside and out! keep pushing forward sec by sec min by min,hour by hour and day by day!
    wish much love and compassion
    angie

    Reply
  12. Jaime Harris

     /  May 27, 2011

    continuing to pray for you and think of you often. I hope you can somewhat enjoy your time at the beach with your boys. I hope it will be healing for you. those photos of Ronan are so sweet. thank you for sharing your sweet angel boy with everyone. God bless you Maya!!

    Reply
  13. Donna Coates

     /  May 27, 2011

    Mrs. Maya,

    This is a wondrous and gorgeous song-you’ll see-Keep on Keeping On!! We’re sooo proud of all your accomplishments no matter how minute’ you may think they are!!

    Reply
  14. Michelle

     /  May 27, 2011

    I think about you and your family everyday many times a day. Wondering how you are doing and hoping that you are doing well. My heart hurts that you have to go through this and I hate that you are going through it!! I watch your videos and just cry knowing the pain and sadness you have. You are such a strong woman and there is no doubt that you will get through this. Ronan and you family will be in my heart forever and never forgotten!!!…….Love to you all

    Reply
  15. CJ Simpson

     /  May 27, 2011

    Lord knows I have had my times of sorrows. Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessings, Still brings tears to my eyes. Their are time when I hear it I don’t know if I should dance or weep. The words are so powerful. I have felt so lost in life so many times. I have had days when the idea of getting out of bed is more then overwhelming and seems like to much for anybody to ask. The pain of even opening my eyes was almost to much to bear. As I morned my loss I fell to judgement by many around me. All thinking they were helping by telling me to suck it up this is what God has planned. Their help made me want to shut everyone out even more. Unless they walk through what I had just been through their was nothing anyone could say to help me “feel better” A day came when I realized that my morning the loss of one child I was missing out and creating a whole in my other childs life. The guilt of that made everything worse. I finally decided that all I could handle was to take one step at a time. Seriously, one step. I made no plans because plans were to overwhelming. I am now 11 yrs down the road. I cannot/will not tell you it will be OK. It will never be OK but it will be easier to breath one day with out the guilt. It will be easier to open your eyes and step out of bed. It will be easier to love the things around you again. Just because it will get easier will never make it OK With much love, your friend.

    Reply
  16. Jamie

     /  May 27, 2011

    Thank you for continuing to share Ronan with us. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Ronan, or you Maya. I got my purple star tattoo last week right on top of my left foot. Ouch! :) But everytime I look at it I will think of Ronan. That is why I got it. To remember him. Whenever I look at it there is only one word that goes through my head: Ronan. We love you all.

    Love, Jamie (Simpson Harms)

    Reply
  17. Alana

     /  May 27, 2011

    Maya,
    I think about you every day and continue to pray for you. I wish words could ease you pain but I know there is no one or nothing that can do that. I wish there were answers that made sense but there aren’t. Even I, as a Christian do not understand and even feel angry that God would allow children to get cancer and die, but I still believe in God’s Love.Cancer, pain and suffering like that doesn’t make sense and it is cruel so why does God allow it? I know He doesn’t cause it…I believe Satan causes it…..but I know God can stop Him so why doesn’t He? The only thing I know, is if I quit believing, if I quit trusting, if I quit loving Jesus, I am left with nothing . No hope. So, dear Maya, that is why I continue to pray for you. I pray that somehow, someday, somewhere along the way, God will give you some kind of an answer that will bring you hope.
    I see those pictures of your sweet beautiful boy and my heart is sad and broken for you. But I thank you for sharing with all of us who are virtual strangers to you. You and Ronan have touched my heart and even given me a new perspective in going through my problems which are nothing in comparison. It may only be a small comfort to you, but your Ronan has touched so many of us in so many ways that I am sure he will live on in our hearts forever.
    And by the way…..there is nothing wrong with saying how you feel even if it’s not what some people want to hear and I believe even God understands the “F-bomb”……

    Reply
  18. Kimber Lacey

     /  May 27, 2011

    Come, thou fount… the name of that gospel hymn that started playing.

    Reply
  19. Shlomit Robbins Gruber

     /  May 27, 2011

    I watched the videos tonight with my 2 year old son and midway through, he looked up at me and said “Mom, can we walk like Ronan?” It was so beautiful and unexpected…his words struck me..so powerful. I just looked at him and smiled and said “Ya, we can walk like Ronan.” I proceeded to tell him about this special little boy named Ronan, who he never met or had the joy of playing with. Yet somehow, he was pulled into those pictures and wanted to be a part of Ronan’s world. I loved his comment. And we WILL walk like Ronan, everyday. We will live our lives to the fullest, appreciating every moment we have, all of this because of Ronan.
    There are no other words right now, Maya…except that I know Ronan is with you and will be with you always, guiding you in everything you do. And the way you and Ronan are changing the world is amazing beyond words, and you’ve only just begun!
    Thinking of you, Ronan and your entire family,
    Shlomit

    Reply
  20. I recently found your blog through a friend, about 6 weeks ago. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious and absolutely beautiful little boy. I was struck by this post as it contained one of my favorite hymns, “Come Thou Fount.” My dad and I recently sang this together at my grandmother’s funeral. I hope you can have more moments of peace as you did when you heard this song, but my heart aches for the hurt that you feel.

    Reply
  21. Natasha Adrian

     /  September 11, 2012

    Dearest Maya,

    I just wanted to say what a beautiful baby you have, for even as he rests with the angels he will always be your baby. Tonight, I hold my little boy close and send my love to you and a prayer and a kiss to the little man with the most startling baby blues I have ever seen. Be strong and my thoughts are with you tonight.

    With love
    Tasha

    Reply
  22. Funda

     /  September 11, 2012

    So very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in a rtc she was four years old . No mother should ever bury their child. Your son was so beautiful . Ethereal & angelic looking . He will always be with you . Love never dies x

    Reply
  23. My God. I don’t know if I have ever read anything so REAL. So raw and so real. Ronan, you are a beautiful boys. Your blues eye look like the sky. I could barely read the words for the tears in my eyes. May your family feel the love of those thinking of them. I’m off to love on my own son now. I’ll give him a hug for you…

    Reply
  24. teri marciante

     /  September 11, 2012

    Dear Maya,

    I just read all of your beautiful blogs and can’t even imagine the pain that you feel everyday. My 10 year old daughter was diagnosed with a tumor on her pituitary 2 years ago but it is now gone. I remember the day that we found out about it and instantly everything stops and you wonder how something could happen to your baby. You are an inspiration, my dear, and all of the other parents in this world who have lost their children to cancer. Thank you for sharing your story and for being an amazing mommy!

    Sincerely,
    Teri M

    Reply
  25. My Mother was diagnosed with cancer twice, she made it through. I remember the gut-wrenching feeling each day not knowing what was going to happen. I can’t imagine how a parent must feel. Ronan, he was such a beautiful child, I know that just by looking at him but your words tell me that he was so much more. You’re so strong. Thank you for sharing your story, it was heartbreaking and I have shed many tears over it but most of all it’s inspirational. I really hope that research will continue to succeed and find a cure for this awful disease which causes so much heartbreak all over the world. Again, thank you for sharing your story, you are an inspiration and so was Ronan.

    Reply
  26. Lauren Cortez

     /  September 11, 2012

    Dear Maya,
    I am so sorry to read about the loss of your beautiful,big blue-eyed baby doll. I hope you’ve been able to feel “better” over the past year;even though I’m sure its been very hard for you. I know whatever I say to you won’t change the past, but I wanted to tell you that you and your entire family is in my prayers. I pray for your heart to heal and for you to find some sort of comfort knowing that little Ro is pain free and loving it up there in Heaven;keeping busy playing and having a ball, just waiting to meet you again. He know’s you’re the best mother for him and that you tried your hardest to fight for him. God bless Maya. Please know that there are so many people in this world who have been touched by Ronan’s story. Take care, Lauren Cortez. Orange,ca

    Reply
  27. Sarah

     /  September 11, 2012

    You said you cant believe Ronan isn’t yours anymore… he will FOREVER be yours. Always. You’re an amazing mother, you truly are. I’m so very sorry for your loss. But be strong, just like Ronan did. That boy sure was a fighter! Please keep doing what you’re doing. Ronan is now helping the whole entire world, opening people’s eyes. That beautiful little boy will change the whole world! Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us, and for what you’re doing.

    Reply
  28. Nicole

     /  September 11, 2012

    I have tears rolling down my face as I pray for your sweet angel, and your family. My heart is melting with your stories and hope that one day you will feel at ease. As a mother myself I don’t know if I would every feel that way. Thank you so much for sharing your stories you touched my heart.

    Reply
  29. Devin Wynos

     /  September 11, 2012

    I saw your story on an entertainment website today and let me tell you, I cried the whole time I read Ronan’s story. I don’t remember another story touching my heart the way his has. Hearing the song “Ronan” broke my heart but it was a beautiful tribute to your angelic son. Please know that you and your family have touched so many people. The hurt will never completely go away, but the love of your family will keep you going. My prayers are with you.

    Reply
  30. Dear Maya,

    Like so many others, I just discovered your blog and have been overwhelmed by your story. The song you referenced here, “Come Thou Fount,” is one of my absolute favorites, and I began to cry as I read about how it came to you in your time of great need. It has somehow made its way to me in dark and difficult times, as well, and so I instantly felt connected to you. I cannot even begin to imagine the kind of grief you are experiencing. You deserve limitless praise for simply getting out of bed each morning. How lucky Ronan is to have a mother who loves him so deeply.

    I wasn’t going to comment on this post because I thought, “She doesn’t know me. I’m just one of millions of readers who have been touched by her story. She has enough to deal with and doesn’t need to be bothered by a silly comment from me.”

    Two hours later, I turned on Pandora, and the first song that came on was “Come Thou Fount.” I paused it immediately and decided I needed to write quickly and tell you that my thoughts and prayers are with you. This song — with its message of hope, comfort and redemption — have meant so much to me over the years, and hearing about how it has touched you, too, stirs something in my heart. I ache for your loss and hope Divine arms of comfort are encircling you.

    All my most sincere prayers,
    Emily

    http://just-me-emilye.blogspot.com/

    Reply
  31. Samantha

     /  September 11, 2012

    Words can’t describe the pain and hurt I’m feeling now. I pray for you and you family. Just remember, would you rather have your son go through pain, or be happy and in a better place? It’s so hard for me to even write this, so I can imagine for you. I wish I can see you to give you a big hug and tell you it’s going to be okay. Please, just know, people do care, and your little angel is now looking down on you, and he would not want to see his mommy in pain and in tears, he would want you to be happy. I’ve never cried this much for a stranger, but even though we haven’t met, I would call you a friend. I wish you the best, and Taylor wrote a beautiful song dedicated to Ronan, I’m sure he is one happy little angel. Please take care, it’s hard, I know, but please stay strong, for Ronan. God Bless.

    As for that Paul douche, like everyone else said, perfection is in the eyes of the beholder. Everyone is perfect in their own way. You’re probably not, that’s what bothers you. The fact that you came on here and said that, your such a sick and heartless person. If I could see you right now, I would punch you for the stupidity you have for writing that post at a grieving time like this. Best of the luck in the future Paul, you will need it.

    Reply
  32. Dear Maya,
    I’m a mother of two children and happened to come across your touching blog.
    I am a strong believer in the Almighty and will think of you in my prayers.
    Your words brought tears to my eyes. But now you have to be strong for your other children……….words fail me but I believe that you will be able to see him in your children……..May God give you the strength to be strong.

    Sincerely,

    Sowmya

    Reply
  33. Beautiful and heart breaking. I cried so much when reading through this for reasons deep in my heart. Over a year on, I hope the pain has subsided a little.

    Reply
  34. DIt

     /  September 12, 2012

    SPEECHLESS

    Reply
  35. claudia

     /  September 12, 2012

    querida Maya,me hiciste llorar con lo que escribis,cuanto amor,por Dios,gracias por compartir esto,sos una mama admirable,ojala el tiempo calme ese dolor tan grande.

    Reply
  36. is a sad, poignant, I do not know how the pain of losing a child, moreover when it is a little like your avatar.
    I have my 1 year and four months, his name is Khalel he is very smart and wants to have a taste of living your life.
    Do you know why your son died? because evil does not want the avatars to come here and teach something to humanity, recognizes those eyes with depth, we honor he has so little time with us, but his presence was enough to begin to destroy evil.

    Reply
  37. Kirsty

     /  September 12, 2012

    I wanted to say, that I haven’t read your blog until today, but it moved me to tears. I’m sure that when I lose someone I will come back here and find solace in your words. Thank you, from everyone you must have helped. It was heartbreaking to read about the death of such a beautiful boy, but Ronan will always be with you. My prayers will be with your family tonight.

    Reply
  38. Kristi Dudgeon

     /  September 14, 2012

    My heart aches for you..i just came across this as i was reading some online news, and saw a posting about the song Taylor Swift Sang about your sweet little boy- oh my goodness. In August of 1998 our youngest boy, Matthew, was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor- Choroid Plexus Carcinoma. He was 10 months old. He went through many brain surgeries to remove the tumor only to discover more, and chemotherapy. He lost his fight only 6 months later.The verse in the song about ” flying away from here”- brought tears, the night Matthew passed away, i was holding him in my arms, and i leaned into his ear, and whispered “It’s ok Matthew, go fly with the angels”- it was then, that he reached up and brushed his little hand across my cheek, as if to say “Thank you mom, for everything,I love you.. but its time for me to go…”… and then, he was gone. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and may his memories bring you peace, in the years to come.

    Reply
  39. Fiquei muito emocionada com sua história,chorei muito quando li,não em contive,eu posso imaginar sua dor,mais Deus está cuidando desse anjinho e com certeza ele ta em um lugar feliz ,cuidando de ti,que Deus possa aliviar sua dor…

    Reply
  40. Maxine Ferrer

     /  September 20, 2012

    I was 9 years old when I lost my grandfather to cancer. We never knew up until he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung and brain cancer. At the time, I never really understood thins. But 5 years since then, when I think about all the times I called him but he could mever speak back were saddening. The worst part was seeing him in the hospital, with all those tubes in him. I can admit that after 5 years, it hurts just as it did before but I let it make me a better person. Im sure that their lives, especially Ronan’s were lived well enough to teach us a lesson. Life is a gift to treasure. Not a lot of people remember this but I think Ronan always knew this. He lived for you and your family. He lived for the happiness he gave you all those years. But most importantly, he lived because he had the best mission of all: to show the importance of life.

    Reply
  41. Tiff

     /  September 20, 2012

    Hi,
    I orriginally heard Ronan’s song on tv while i was watching “Stand up to Cancer.” Recently my Freshmen High school english teacher gave us an assignment to find a song that really meant something to us, and that really made us think. I instantly thought of this song. I then found your website, and read all of your posts, and the posts that other people posted, and i was literally sitting at my computer bawling my eyes out. I just want youto know that my heart goes out to you and your family. Just keep your head up, and every time you think of Ronan he will be there with you saying “mom its ok to cry, and to be sad, i’ll always be with you, and when ever you feel down, i am right there holding your hand.”

    Reply
  42. jess

     /  September 24, 2012

    my heart goes out to you and your family. i hope youll always have your memories of ronan with you, and that you get a bit of closure and happiness in the four years you did get with him. ronans changed the world for the better.

    Reply
  43. Chloe Folmar

     /  September 28, 2012

    Hi,
    I am a twelve-year-old girl and I was so touched by Ronan’s song that I cried every single time i heard it. I just wanted to say that it is important to trust in God right now, especially after deaths. He does everything for a purpose, and you may not understand, but you will someday. I also want to tell you that I am singing the song “Ronan” for my Middle School Talent Show and it is all dedicated to you. I will probably get emotional during this song, and especially after seeing this beautiful boy. I pray that you get over your sorrow, and remember that you still have to live life even though all of this pain has come and will never leave.
    Thank you for all of your wonderful inspiration to me,
    Chloe Folmar

    Reply
  44. Olivia Dodson

     /  October 4, 2012

    your story was absolutely beautiful. i cried so hard knowing the pain and feelings you must be going through. my love and prayers go out to you and your family and to Ronan.

    Reply
  45. Cheryl

     /  October 18, 2012

    I couldn’t imagine what it’s like to go through this but my heart aches for you, your loss, your son and your family. I wish wishes came true as well. :'(

    Reply
  46. Logan

     /  October 23, 2012

    Omg I’m so sorry for your loss , I just listened to the song Ronan and bought it off YouTube I may only be 13 but it I broke my heart !!! My prayers go out to u and and your family !

    Reply
  47. Ekatrika Ghosh

     /  November 7, 2012

    RONAN… we love you to the moon and back….<3

    Reply
  48. Adriana

     /  November 13, 2012

    He was a little boy so beautiful … why this had to happen to him? I remember the music of Taylor Swift every day: “come on baby with mw, we´re gonna fly away from here, you were my best four years…” S2

    Reply
  49. Adriana

     /  November 13, 2012

    He was a little boy so beautiful … why this had to happen to him? I remember the music of Taylor Swift every day: “come on baby with me, we´re gonna fly away from here, you were my best four years…” S2

    Reply
  50. Amber

     /  November 19, 2012

    I am so sorry. I really am. Ronan is a beautiful boy. He deserved so much better. Ronan, is with god now. I wish he still were here with us. :'(
    This makes my so sad. I am crying right now. :'(
    I do understand how you feel. I am sure Ronan misses you as much as you are. :(

    Ronan, we love you to the moon and back. Rest In Peace, Little Man.

    Reply
  51. Samantha Newman

     /  November 23, 2012

    I can’t believe it, I am in tears in my bed, in tears from a story about a beautiful little boy I have just read about. I heard the song and I am grateful to have heard what an amazing person Taylor Swift is to bring such a story to light. Keep the faith, it will get easier, if not today, then someday! I promise!

    Reply
  52. Emily

     /  December 8, 2012

    I still ask myself, why ? I heard about Ronan when I watched the video on youtube and couldn’t hold back the tears ! He was such a beautiful little boy :( and its just so cruel that he had to be taken ! Their family was perfect :/ I will never be able to understand why cancer ever existed in the first place and why innocent children are the victims ! RIP Ronan x God bless your family :( x

    Reply
  53. porschenikitta

     /  December 17, 2012

    As a 19 year old girl’ this broke my heart into a million pieces! im listening to Ronan’s song right now && he seemed like an amazing little boy! Keep smiling even through the hard days’ because he will be watching over all of you.. Rest In Peace Little Man <3

    Reply
  54. sarah

     /  December 21, 2012

    Stay strong, how lucky you were to have this amazing little boy in your life, if only for a short time, may he be your angel now, watching over you and your family everyday, with them big blue eyes and loving smile, rest in peace ronan xoxo

    Reply
  55. anushka m mittal

     /  March 13, 2013

    hey lady
    i know it would have been the world’s most painful thing watching the one you loved die infront of your eyes and you cant do anything. when i was 3 i saw my mother die infront of me .
    i would just like to say this is life just think if he would have survived god knows how much he would have to suffer just thank god he prevented your child from all troubles , he took him away peacefully. i know that he is always around you watching you do everything cause i feel the same for my mother.whenever you think about ronan just remember that he is right beside you watching you. a drop of tear in your eye would bring floods in his…..
    don’t cry
    and ronan even though i don’t know you but you and your family’s pain can be felt.
    rest in peace
    anushka

    Reply
  56. I am 16 and I saw Taylor Swift’s song, Ronan, on youtube. I’ve been searching about what really happened to this beautiful and blue-eyed little guy, Ronan. And I saw this site. I was teary-eyed when I saw and reading this.

    I am really sorry. At least He’s now in a very good place where he will never suffer anymore. He’s in a good hands.

    I just want you to know that, everything happens has its own purpose. Just trust God and call upon His name. He’s just there. He will help you. Always helping you. Just talk to Him. He comforts you. He knows how you feel right now.

    He loves you more than you could imagine! Stay strong. <3

    Reply
  57. Treva Guy

     /  November 27, 2013

    Dear Sweet Ronan,

    My family’s thoughts and prayers are with you in heaven as are they with your family left here on earth.

    Reply
  58. Cassandra

     /  January 22, 2014

    Dear Maya Thompson,

    After learning about what happened to your little man and listening to your words sung by Taylor Swift, it breaks my heart and I cry. I know it’s a horrible things to go through. On December 24, 2013, I lost my grandmother to stage 4 pancreatic cancer that in the end affected her lungs. You never know what to say, or how to feel. It breaks my heart. I’m still not over losing her, as you are with Ronan. I remember the last words I spoken to her, and the words she replied back. I was at the hospital, I’m 19, so seeing her really broke me down, I cried in the hallway. She jaw was locked, she went blind so she couldn’t see me, but when I got to the hospital she was still able to talk. Her last words to me, “I love you too”. I’m crying just thinking about it. There was nothing I could’ve done to save her, she was the only grandmother that understood me even when the world didn’t. I battle depression so I take things much harder than I should. She came into my dreams, and every time I close my eyes, she’s there. I keep all of the clothes she gave me, and even when she was dying, I wore the winter hat she given me because I didn’t have one. She was a rockstar. I know it’s tough now, but it has to get better in time. Anyways I hope everyday it gets easier! Cancer is a horrible fate that takes away the greatest people in our lives. I hope you live a happy life with your family, and I’m sure Ronan, with his blue eyes, is smiling at you, and every morning before you wake up whispers, “Good Morning, Mom!”. Well, you knew him better than anyone. Thank you for being the most amazing mother, and keep smiling!

    Sincerely.
    Cassandra

    Reply
  1. Garoto que morreu de câncer inspira nova música da cantora Taylor … – Globo.com | suporte-robot-posters.net.tf

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    What do you do on a Thursday night when you are about to have a nervous breakdown? Go to the grocery store and eat your way through the aisles while talking to yourself, out loud the entire time. Some shady shit goes on in a grocery store at night. SHADY SHIT. #ronan #fucancer #stopmakingoutintgeaislesplease #justsaynotodrugs #ilookshabbychichomeless #cleanuponaisle5 Puppy dog genius. #ronan #teddygrahmthompson #ignoremycreepypuppytalkingvoice #myboyfriend #bestdogever Grief. It's what's for dinner. #ronan #fucancer #noshame #nopretending #everythinghurts #mytruth #cancerisanasshole
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