New York City, I couldn’t possibly love you more.

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Ronan. I am walking the city streets of New York on the most perfect New York day except I seem to be the only who thinks it is perfect. Even though it’s the end of summer, it is gloomy and has been pouring down rain all morning long. All of the other human beings around me look annoyed by the torrential downpour that has currently taken over their city. I watch as a mother who has a small child but not an umbrella makes a beeline for the McDonalds around the corner to seek shelter. Umbrellas are everywhere and thankfully my little Rachel has provided me with one for the day. I have a meeting to go to, one that is very important and because of this I decide that you are the one who has made it rain just to show me that you are around and you believe in what I am doing. I set out to get lost in the city for a few hours before my meeting so I can clear my head and talk to you. I smile at every person and some random man yells as I walk past him, “You have the most beautiful smile!” I yell back, “Thank you!” as I remember back to a time not long ago when I hardly smiled at all and when I did, it was often forced. My “bullshit” smile as Mr. Sparkly Eyes calls it. He hates that smile, but nobody hates it more than I do.

I close up my umbrella and continue to walk the rainy streets. I want to feel your kisses on my face. They splatter on me and I am suddenly aware that I didn’t wear waterproof mascara today. I quickly push that narcissistic thought out of my head and decide that I don’t care if I end up looking like a raccoon because anything goes in this city. I once saw a man walking these streets wearing only a backpack, shoes, and a sock to cover up his penis. I figure if he could get away with that, I can certainly get away with looking like I’m embracing my inner goth puck rock I love everything from the 80’s and 90’s vibe that the rain was going to provide me with today. My thoughts turn back to that time a few years ago when I was sure I would forever be stuck in a place of not loving myself. One of the many side effects of your death was this thing called “goodbye, self-worth.” Everything about me had been destroyed in the aftermath of losing you. For many years, I blamed myself for your death. I should have done more. I should have taken you to a different hospital for treatment in the beginning. If we only could have found “this” doctor sooner you would still be alive and here today. It has taken me a lot of therapy and a lot of talking to other doctors to come to a place of understanding that I am not to blame for your death. Cancer is and there was nothing we could have to done differently to have changed your outcome. I do know that now, but there are still times when my fucked-up mind tries to convince me otherwise.

With that said I have had to do so much work to find my self-worth again. It is actually never ending work that I know I will be doing for the rest of my life. It is hard, but it is necessary as I don’t want to ever get to a place again of knowing what not loving myself feels like. But Ro, do you know what’s even more important to me than me? Your baby sister who is not so much of a baby anymore. She is 4 and I don’t even know how that happened but it did and she is the most incredible little thing. She is strong, feisty, independent, and full of so much love that at times she makes my whole heart want to explode. I have to love myself for her so that the only world she knows is one where she is capable of doing anything in life. Glass ceilings don’t even exist for her because she has a mother who has already shattered them all. And I will continue to shatter them all for the rest of my life for her. She is my everything.

More on all of this later, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

18 thoughts on “New York City, I couldn’t possibly love you more.”

  1. This is a beautiful memory, for a beautiful city, of a beautiful little boy. They beautiful little boy who gave you this moment.

    1. Wait… what?? Are you sure about that? Thanks for letting me know. I’ll try to find my other 3 children just as soon as I’m done letting my ENTIRE life revolve around my daughter.

      1. Omg Maya your response has me in stitches! Exactly what I would’ve said. I feel like we’re soul sisters because of how similar our personalities seem. Ok so now I sound creepy and stalkerish lol. Anyways, this guy is a total idiot. You go mama, your supporters know what a devoted momma and wife you are! I also wanted to let you know I read your blog beginning to end at least once every year. Your beautiful blue eyed boy has touched my heart and changed my life. I’m going to ask our department to go gold for September, and host a bake sale… proceeds if which will be coming to the Ronan Thompson Foundation. I’m a radiation therapist in Canada. We need to do better for our children.

      2. I bet those two cool 14 year olds roaming around your house and that beautiful baby boy whose pictures you have suddenly make sense now, don’t they? Thank God Frankie is here to clear up the mystery.

    2. Why? Why would you even waste your time with this comment? Pick people up never push them down:) hope you have a wonderful Thursday!

      1. Why are you on here? Unless you have lost a child or have a heart, keep your comments to yourself.

      2. II totally meant that comment for the person that told Maya she has other kids…..i hit reply in the wrong spot…I tried to explain that on FB, where I also hit the wrong post to reply too!!! I heart Maya…I hate the internet!!! hahahaha

    3. Considering that this blog was built for one of her other children – it freakin’ bears his name for hell’s sake – I think the only clueless person here is you.

  2. Dear Maya,

    I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that you have stopped blaming yourself. Or is happy the right word? I guess relieved is better. What I’m trying to say, is I understand this, but from a different perspective than that of a bereaved parent. As a radiation therapist, I see this blame parents put on themselves time and time again. It breaks my heart, but as parents, it is the most natural thing to do, to blame ourselves when something horrible happens to our kids. To hear that you’ve been able to work through that, and that you are on your way back to loving yourself, gives me so much hope for all the bereaved parents I’ve known. And all those therapists who treated your beautiful boy? Believe me, they’ve never forgotten him. I have never forgotten a single pediatric patient I’ve treated, in the 9 years I’ve been practicing. It’s just not possible.

  3. Two weeks ago I found myself in New York City walking in the rain too. I was thinking about how my son would have loved the people watching and just being together as I was with his sisters for a family wedding. So many of your feelings are my feelings and when I looked up at the Empire State Building, I wondered what color it would be in September? I can see that you have done some healing over these years, but let me assure you that the feelings of love do not go away…save travels and feel free to talk about your children any way you please. XO

  4. I a so happy to see you back! You’re a strong woman that has been a very big inspiration to me. I recommend your blog to everyone. Keep smiling!!! 🙂 PS-I agree with the others-what a douchy thing for that guy to say!!! Too many people have no shame in what they say anymore and don’t care if their words hurt people bc no one can see them. Makes me sad.

  5. Haha I’m so glad Mr Sparkly Eyes is still around. Since you stopped blogging I had begun to think he had disappeared too…..

  6. I am so glad that you found your real smile. The bullshit smile and the acting like everything is ok (when it is not) is exhausting. Looking forward to reading about the glass ceilings that you continue to shshatter. Hope and hugs to you and all of your children.

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