29 months and I still don’t understand.





Ronan. I had a MAJOR pity party day. MAJOR. I woke up knowing fully well what day it was. October 9th. 29 months without you. I put on my best face and decided that it was definitely an all black day. I got Poppy ready, your brothers ready, made breakfast, lunches and out the door we went. I dropped your brothers off at school and took Poppy out to run some errands as I was trying to keep myself extra busy today. We were home by 11:00 a.m. Busy day FAIL. This left way too many hours in the day, to get through without losing it. I tried my best to just focus on your baby sister today, but some days everything is just too extra sad; like today. We stayed home and got things done around the house. We played a lot and as of now, she is too little to know that while I am playing with her, I am actually wiping away a river of tears. The loss of you is still too big, too fresh, too painful. Will it always be this way? I am thinking, yes. Time doesn’t heal these wounds, at least not for me.

Your brothers came home and I had Rissy run over here to get pictures of us all in your Spicy Monkey Spirit Hoods so Alexander can finish up his project. It was a wonder I could even put a smile on my face, but I did it for you. After our pictures were done, I knew I was going to explode, so while your brothers went to play basketball, I took Poppy to our mountain. I fucking hiked that thing like it was cancer itself and I was kicking its ass. Actually, I thought of that a-hole Harry Reid, who a couple of weeks ago was asked by a reporter if one child could be helped with cancer, why wouldn’t he do it. I pretended like I was kicking his ass. I’ve been so mad about this for the past week or so. Makes me sick. This sums up in a nutshell, why our world is so screwed up. Because people are so selfish and have such egos and agendas, that kids dying of cancer is not even a glitch on our governments radar. It is so shameful and embarrassing. When are these people going to pull their heads our of their asses and realize that the number one disease killer of kids, deserves some major attention? By not letting these kids go on their clinical trials, you are KILLING them. But thank you, Mr. Harry Reid. You win the douchebag of the year award for being such an insensitive prick. You can read the exchange of words below:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D., Nev.) asked why Senate Democrats would want to fund the National Institutes of Health to “help one child who has cancer” Wednesday when asked that question by CNN reporter Dana Bash.

DANA BASH: You all talked about children with cancer unable to go to clinical trials. The House is presumably going to pass a bill that funds at least the NIH. Given what you’ve said, will you at least pass that? And if not, aren’t you playing the same political games that Republicans are?

HARRY REID: Listen, Sen. Durbin explained that very well, and he did it here, did it on the floor earlier, as did Sen. Schumer. What right did they have to pick and choose what part of government is going to be funded? It’s obvious what’s going on here. You talk about reckless and irresponsible. Wow. What this is all about is Obamacare. They are obsessed. I don’t know what other word I can use. They’re obsessed with this Obamacare. It’s working now and it will continue to work and people will love it more than they do now by far. So they have no right to pick and choose.

BASH: But if you can help one child who has cancer, why wouldn’t you do it?

REID: Why would we want to do that? I have 1,100 people at Nellis Air Force base that are sitting home. They have a few problems of their own. This is — to have someone of your intelligence to suggest such a thing maybe means you’re irresponsible and reckless –

BASH: I’m just asking a question.

So, while I hiked our mountain, I thought about him. I actually thought of a lot of things that I have been so angry about. I’m still angry about your death, most of all, but I have some other fuels in the fire as well. What does one do with all of this anger? Kick a mountains ass of course, while your little Poppy sister strapped on to the front of me. She slept the entire time and once we made it to the top, she only woke up to give me a secret little smile. She knows a lot of things, that Poppy sister of yours. She knows SO many things. After taking out my anger on our mountain, I felt better. I felt calmer on the way down and I was thankful for my alone time to be with my thoughts and with you. Whenever I need a little reminder of how important it is, that I continue on with all that we are trying to do, on our mountain is where you will find me. It always reminds me to get back up from this world of grief that often wants to destroy me. It always reminds me that I won’t be destroyed because I won’t let you down. I’m working so hard to turn this pain into my passion because that is the only way I will be able to live this life now, Ronan. I cannot live in the old world that I used to live in and even when I try to go back, I just end up running as fast as I can, the opposite way. That life is no longer mine to live.

I came home and after a really hard day, I opened up some mail and the new issue of Phoenix Magazine came. They featured me in it as a “Mover and Shaker” of the Vally and called me an “Activist Mom.” At that moment, I felt proud. Thanks, Phoenix Magazine. It was an honor to be featured. The best part of the night though was when your Daddy was reading it out loud and Liam goes, “Or the best mom, period.” That made me cry again for the 50th time today, but they were good tears instead.

Alright little man. It’s past my bedtime. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I hate 29 months without you so much.


15 thoughts on “29 months and I still don’t understand.”

  1. You are definitley a mover, a shaker, a best mom, a major role model for me, an I spiration, a beautiful soul, a spicy Momma and the best kind of person to admire! I hate 29 montha without him too. Go kiss that Poppy girl and her brothers and have sweet Ronan dreams tonight xoxo!

  2. Not only are you climbing mountains, you’re moving mountains! Your fire and passion will help change the world.
    And it is really fucked up how so many people ignore childhood cancer. The Today Show did a whole week on Alzheimer’s disease….in September. Did they ever mention childhood cancer? Not that I saw. It make me so angry. I think people believe if they ignore it, it won’t happen to them. That’s bullshit.
    Keep it up, Maya. Sorry for 29 months.

  3. Do you read comments? If you do please know that although I would never claim to imagine how you feel or deal each day that I do pray for you family after I read your posts. Ro had a beauty & inner light that everyone who sees his pictures can see. I wish your family only the best!
    Thinking of you in Knoxville, TN (hug)

  4. It’s been 4 years since my husband died on September 25th 2009 his funeral was October 2 2009 and yesterday October 9th would have been his 53rd Birthday . I have been physically sick for over 10 days and decided after talking to my Widow friend it’s Grief. No way around it , will it ever end ? Will every year during this time make me physically ill. Why don’t people understand we have no control ? Do we really want to feel like this ? Yes , we have so much to live for and yes our loved ones would want us Happy Joyful and Free from pain, so Why aren’t we ? Thinking of you , understanding how you feel & feeling your pain. HUGS XOXOX

  5. I know you will probably not see this…but I want you to know that you are changing the world. For the better. And your sweet boy’s life had more purpose in four too short years than a million others combined.
    I live in Nashville and I hope you have heard the song “Sand and Water” by Beth Chapman

  6. for all this time, each time i read your words “I hope you are safe”, i think a die a little…..this is all so unfair……

  7. Thank you so much for doing what you’re doing. My aunt (and godmother) died two weeks ago of the very same f***ing cancer, she was only 44. Even though I’ll never feel the way you do, your blog has showed me that I’m not alone. And I could never thank you enough for that. I’m so sorry for your boy, he surely didn’t deserve it. I’m thinking of you a lot and I hope you are well. Lots of love from France ❤

  8. You know I’ve always said I could not imagine the strength you must have within you. You are an inspiration to all of us forced to say goodbye too soon. You have shown that in addition to sadness and mourning it’s okay to be pissed. it’s okay to say a giant fuck you to cancer. Today we lay one of my dearest friends to rest. He began his battle with cancer at 10 years old. Now 14 years and 7 cancers later he just couldn’t fight anymore. Even at his sickest he didn’t let on. While going through treatment he was often found dressed as Spider-Man walking the halls of st judes just hoping to brighten one child’s day. I will never understand why people like him and like your sweet Ronan have to suffer while complete asshats are allowed to live.

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