Ronan. I had a MAJOR pity party day. MAJOR. I woke up knowing fully well what day it was. October 9th. 29 months without you. I put on my best face and decided that it was definitely an all black day. I got Poppy ready, your brothers ready, made breakfast, lunches and out the door we went. I dropped your brothers off at school and took Poppy out to run some errands as I was trying to keep myself extra busy today. We were home by 11:00 a.m. Busy day FAIL. This left way too many hours in the day, to get through without losing it. I tried my best to just focus on your baby sister today, but some days everything is just too extra sad; like today. We stayed home and got things done around the house. We played a lot and as of now, she is too little to know that while I am playing with her, I am actually wiping away a river of tears. The loss of you is still too big, too fresh, too painful. Will it always be this way? I am thinking, yes. Time doesn’t heal these wounds, at least not for me.
Your brothers came home and I had Rissy run over here to get pictures of us all in your Spicy Monkey Spirit Hoods so Alexander can finish up his project. It was a wonder I could even put a smile on my face, but I did it for you. After our pictures were done, I knew I was going to explode, so while your brothers went to play basketball, I took Poppy to our mountain. I fucking hiked that thing like it was cancer itself and I was kicking its ass. Actually, I thought of that a-hole Harry Reid, who a couple of weeks ago was asked by a reporter if one child could be helped with cancer, why wouldn’t he do it. I pretended like I was kicking his ass. I’ve been so mad about this for the past week or so. Makes me sick. This sums up in a nutshell, why our world is so screwed up. Because people are so selfish and have such egos and agendas, that kids dying of cancer is not even a glitch on our governments radar. It is so shameful and embarrassing. When are these people going to pull their heads our of their asses and realize that the number one disease killer of kids, deserves some major attention? By not letting these kids go on their clinical trials, you are KILLING them. But thank you, Mr. Harry Reid. You win the douchebag of the year award for being such an insensitive prick. You can read the exchange of words below:
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D., Nev.) asked why Senate Democrats would want to fund the National Institutes of Health to “help one child who has cancer” Wednesday when asked that question by CNN reporter Dana Bash.
DANA BASH: You all talked about children with cancer unable to go to clinical trials. The House is presumably going to pass a bill that funds at least the NIH. Given what you’ve said, will you at least pass that? And if not, aren’t you playing the same political games that Republicans are?
HARRY REID: Listen, Sen. Durbin explained that very well, and he did it here, did it on the floor earlier, as did Sen. Schumer. What right did they have to pick and choose what part of government is going to be funded? It’s obvious what’s going on here. You talk about reckless and irresponsible. Wow. What this is all about is Obamacare. They are obsessed. I don’t know what other word I can use. They’re obsessed with this Obamacare. It’s working now and it will continue to work and people will love it more than they do now by far. So they have no right to pick and choose.
BASH: But if you can help one child who has cancer, why wouldn’t you do it?
REID: Why would we want to do that? I have 1,100 people at Nellis Air Force base that are sitting home. They have a few problems of their own. This is — to have someone of your intelligence to suggest such a thing maybe means you’re irresponsible and reckless –
BASH: I’m just asking a question.
So, while I hiked our mountain, I thought about him. I actually thought of a lot of things that I have been so angry about. I’m still angry about your death, most of all, but I have some other fuels in the fire as well. What does one do with all of this anger? Kick a mountains ass of course, while your little Poppy sister strapped on to the front of me. She slept the entire time and once we made it to the top, she only woke up to give me a secret little smile. She knows a lot of things, that Poppy sister of yours. She knows SO many things. After taking out my anger on our mountain, I felt better. I felt calmer on the way down and I was thankful for my alone time to be with my thoughts and with you. Whenever I need a little reminder of how important it is, that I continue on with all that we are trying to do, on our mountain is where you will find me. It always reminds me to get back up from this world of grief that often wants to destroy me. It always reminds me that I won’t be destroyed because I won’t let you down. I’m working so hard to turn this pain into my passion because that is the only way I will be able to live this life now, Ronan. I cannot live in the old world that I used to live in and even when I try to go back, I just end up running as fast as I can, the opposite way. That life is no longer mine to live.
I came home and after a really hard day, I opened up some mail and the new issue of Phoenix Magazine came. They featured me in it as a “Mover and Shaker” of the Vally and called me an “Activist Mom.” At that moment, I felt proud. Thanks, Phoenix Magazine. It was an honor to be featured. The best part of the night though was when your Daddy was reading it out loud and Liam goes, “Or the best mom, period.” That made me cry again for the 50th time today, but they were good tears instead.
Alright little man. It’s past my bedtime. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I hate 29 months without you so much.
Ronan. Hi baby. I missed you today so much that at times I felt that I couldn’t breathe. I woke up early for not having slept well the night before, but I was ready to start the day anyway. I was tired, but my mind refused to be still. I got up, showered, dressed, and ran out the door. I got a few errands done, ran into the grocery store and came home to make breakfast for your brothers and cousins. We all sat around the table and ate, laughed and talked. It was hard for me to sit there without you, but I did it because it was important to your brothers. It didn’t feel good. Does that make me a bad mama? I don’t know. It would seem like simple things like this would make me happy. They should, right?? Maybe someday, but not now. Your brothers ate huge breakfast which was important as they had their first basketball game at The Village to play. I fed them, they got ready and we all headed out the door. I had to walk through those doors without you today and it was gut wrenching. You used to love to go watch your brothers basketball games. You were their little mascot. I tried to stay focused on watching your brothers, but I was so distracted by you not being there. And there were sooooo many kids everywhere. I could not stop the screaming from inside my head as to why you were not with us. Why did you have to die from Cancer? All of these healthy kids, were running about. I just kept thinking, they have NO idea how lucky they are. I kept wondering if their parents did? If their parents knew how lucky they were to have healthy, happy, carefree, kids. Or is it something that was more of a right, not a privilege to them? I don’t know, but I really I do know. I know how lucky parents are who have healthy kids. How a day should never pass without being grateful for this gift. I know this because of the sickness you fought, for the life we lived in the hospital, and for your death. Your death that is now teaching thousands of people how precious life really is. It seems so unfair that you had to be the one to teach us all this lesson. Why couldn’t it have been me? I would have gladly died in your place. I wish this everyday.
Ro baby. I think I started this a few days ago. Everything is blurry again. The days continue to drag on and on. We’ve kept busy. Your brothers amaze me everyday. You always hear how kids are so resilient, but now I am witnessing it first hand. Both of your brothers are thriving in school. Doing so well and they are such good boys. They are coming home with good grades, both are getting praises from their teachers, and they seem happy. I am glad they won’t know the pain of losing you in the way that I do. I would never want them to feel even a quarter of the way that I do. I am trying really hard to balance their therapy, while making sure they feel somewhat normal. This means play dates, sleep overs, the same chores, responsibilities, and getting them back into a routine of structure and love. I know they hurt, I know they miss you, I know they are sad and confused…. but it is not consuming them. They were really well-adjusted boys before all of this, and I know that is a big part of why they actually seem like they are going to be o.k. It is all I can hope for at this point. I don’t want their lives to be ruined over losing you. I want them to learn from this and understand how precious life really is. They get it. They got it before all of this which seems so unfair. FUCK. I hate trying to justify any of this, because they were already going to turn out to be amazing men anyway. So what. Now they get to become better boys because you died? It’s not right, Ro. I sometimes have to try to rationalize this in any way I can, just to keep me moving forward. The truth is, they should not have to be learning this lesson. There is no rationalizing this because it is just fucked up. Plain and simple.
This weekend was busy. I don’t know what we filled it with, but it was filled. Basketball game, Football on T.V., Inferno Hiking, things around the house. I went golfing on Saturday night. Glow in the dark golfing on a lit up course. If there is one thing I’ve always known about life, it’s that people take it way too seriously. And when you become a “grown up,” it is easy to get lost in the shuffle of responsibilities. I’ve always had a pretty good idea about how to balance both things… silliness and seriousness. I’m a big kid at heart, which is probably why I relate so well to babies/toddlers/children/ and teen-agers. I like fun. I used to be so fun. I used to love to live, which is why Saturday night was so necessary. I saw something in Phoenix Magazine about a glow in the dark golf tournament that was being held. Um… yes please! I called to register, but all the slots were full. I got a call Saturday morning, telling me that two spots had opened up and the man asked if I wanted them. I said, of course. I called up Liz to see if she wanted to go with me as I have been missing her since our summer in Coronado ended. We both have been so busy, so it seemed like the perfect excuse to spend some time with her. Liz does not golf, but she was game anyway. She told me her friend, Heather, wanted to come as well. I met Heather over the summer and she is a doll. I told her to bring her. I told Liz to be prepared as I had somehow gotten it into my head that it was necessary to go glow in the dark golfing, in a TuTu. Why the heck not? My lovely, Katie, just happens to carry TuTu’s at her store. She took a pink and a purple one, off her mannequins for me. I came home, threw on the purple one, for you of course, a black shirt and black flats. Liz about died when I opened the door and I think she may have called me a dork. I told her that she was wearing one too, so she needed to be quiet. Golfing in a TuTu. I cannot believe somebody hasn’t thought of this before. It should be mandatory. It was so much fun and made our golfing night, even better. I did this for you. And for me. Because my life is so sad now, but being in a TuTu for a few hours while whacking a golf ball on a dark glow in the dark course, made me smile and think of you and how much you would have loved being with me. I totally want to put together a golf tournament for you with this idea. All the ladies in TuTu’s just for you. I’ll make the men all wear fake mustaches or something silly like that. The lesson being, life can be hard and for some, harder than others……. but you should always remember how to have fun, even if it is in the form of acting like an 8-year-old child. Adults often forget how to do this as the age thing seems to cripple them. Age is just a number, nothing more. I promise to always try to channel my inner child for you by doing silly things like golfing in a TuTu. It makes me a better mama. And the fact that you had your childhood stolen from you makes me want to channel my inner child that much more. To make up for the life that you never fully got to live. I’m sorry, Ro.
I spent today, keeping busy. I actually got my booty up out of bed at 5 a.m. and went to boot camp. I had lunch with Tammy yesterday and told her if I got some decent sleep, that I would come to her class this morning. I got a good 5 hours in, which I seem to do just fine on. I went to her class and I am so glad I did. I miss it so much. I’m paying the price already though as I am so sore, I can hardly walk.
I’m having a really hard time being home during the day, alone. It is so quiet without you. Too quiet. I have been going to public places when I have emails to get through, bills to open, checks to write, etc….. Today, I went to my Safeway and sat in the Starbucks with my headphones blaring music, while I pounded out email after email. I had two really sweet women come up who recognized me to say Hello and how sorry they were. I cried talking to them both. I couldn’t help it as I was an emotional mess pretty much the entire day. I was glad they said hello as it is always nice to know how many people are thinking about you. I finished up my things and headed off to get a few more things done. Lots of “shit list,” things checked off today. Yay me.
I spent a lot of the day, doing things for others today. Things that should feel really good to me, but they don’t. As I was walking out of Staples, and to my car, I felt like the world was going to swallow me whole. I started bawling. Choking on my tears and feeling like I was surly going to suffocate to death. I was engulfed in a world of loneliness, sadness, pain, and just plain missing my little partner in crime. I somehow made it to my car, but it took me a while to calm down. I drove home but cried the whole way there. Once I got home, I tried to be productive. I am always trying to avoid the silence. I talked to Fernanda and she let me vent/sob to her. I told her over and over that I could not believe you are gone. I asked her why you because I will never understand. I told her how I had spent my day, doing all of these great things, like helping others which is what I know I am meant to do…. but it is never going to fill the huge hole in my heart. She said something like the pain will never go away, but I will learn to live with it. I told her what a shitty way to live. Because it is. To live in constant agony and pain; and knowing that I will never feel better, but this is my new normal. FUCK YOU WORLD. I hate this life. I hate this life without you and I just want you back. But you are not coming back so I am just supposed to continue on, fighting for any ounce of happiness that comes my way once in a blue moon? I want to help others, and I hope someday I can feel something from it. But as of now, it just feels like a fire that lives inside of me. It burns all day long and I feel like it is coming from you. You are the one pushing me forward, to make a difference. You are the one, pushing me to do as many things as I can to help where I am needed, to continue on to fight for all of the kids who are affected by cancer. There are so many out there, Ro. So many sweet babies who are going through this. I had no idea….. I feel like such a fool. My happiness was so simple before and I really did know how lucky we were. I thanked God for my life everyday. I was not ungrateful, mean, or a bad person. I was a good person before all of this but now I have to become better??? I know I do. I know I do for you. As much as I hate all of this pain, I know I still have you to answer to, Ro. You want things in this world to change. I have to be the one to help change them for you, because I want you to be proud of me. I promise to make you proud of me.
I’ve got to go now little one. It’s been a hard day. An awful day of feeling like I am buried alive and drowning all at the same time. I miss you. I love you to the moon and back and hope you are safe. G’nite my little “not spicy,” monkey boy. Sweet dreams, Ro.
P.S. This makes me sick to my stomach. Did you know that pediatric cancer is the #1 disease killer in the US? Pediatric cancer kills more kids then AIDS, Asthma, Multiple Sclerosis and Muscular Dystrophy COMBINED and the really sad part of this is that no one knows this. Doctor’s do not educate parents about this. And to top it off, pediatric cancer research gets the least financial funding. Please help spread this info and save our babies!!!