Ronan. Hello May and hello constant stream of tears. Also, hello my little shadow, aka Quinn, who seems to catch me whenever I am a bloody mess. It’s happened twice this week. Both times he found me crying in Poppy’s room.
“What’s wrong, Mom? Why are you sad?”
I wiped my face and told him I had a hard day and was missing you a lot.
“It’s okay that I’m sad about Ronan, right, Quinn? I’m allowed. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to be okay. I’m just really sad today.”
Quinn shook his head. “I love you, Mom. Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head no.
“Okay. Well, I love you so much.”
“I love you more, buddy. Thank you for checking on me.”
That was a couple of days ago. Tonight the same thing happened. Everyone was out except for me and your sister Poppy. I guess I kind of lost it while rocking her, and somehow I ended up on my computer watching old videos of you. Hospital videos.
“I love you, Mama.” You told me this at least five times in a 4:32 segment. We went back and forth. “I love you, Ronan. I’m so proud of you.” “Mama, you my best friend.” On and on it went, your squeaky little voice over and over as we went through a book of animals.
“What’s this, Mama?”
“A dolphin, baby.”
“Will it bite me, Mama?”
“No, monkey. Dolphins are nice.”
“Dolphins are nice,” you repeated.
I slammed my computer shut after that as I held your sister and sobbed. I took her into your room and rocked her as I cried some more. Everyone came home soon after that. Quinn found me in your dark room rocking Poppy. He saw my red, blotchy face.
“What’s wrong, Mom? Are you sad?”
“Yes, baby. Just a little sad tonight.”
“Do you need anything, Mom? Can I take Poppy?”
“No, thank you. I will be alright.”
“Please, Mom. I can take Poppy. I really like holding her.”
“Okay, Quinn. Thanks for helping me. I love you so much.”
I handed Poppy to your brother and watched as he snuggled up on your bed with her, and I begged in my head for you to please come back.
I went to wash my face, and your daddy had no clue I had been crying until he saw my face.
“What’s wrong? Why won’t you look at me? Who upset you today?”
I told him, today, nobody. Tomorrow might be a different story, as I swear to God I am dealing with a bunch of petty bullshit again.
“I’m just sad. For the same reason I’m always sad.”
Your daddy said he knew because he has been feeling the same way.
It’s that time of year again. It’s that very, very hard month when our emotions seem to be all over the place. Even the girls at my nail salon know it. My sweet Emily, who used to paint your toes, Ronan, remembers what is coming up.
“It almost two years, Maya,” she said to me in her very broken English tonight as she rubbed my arm. “I remember. I think to myself, it almost two years. I sorry.”
I said I couldn’t believe she remembered. I thanked her for remembering.
“I sorry I make you sad,” Emily said.
“Oh, Em. You can’t make me sad. I’m always sad,” I said as I somehow held back the tears. I couldn’t tell if they were tears from missing you or from being so touched that Emily remembered your two-year death anniversary is coming up.
“Purple sparkles, right, Maya? Always sparkles,” Emily said as she filed my nails.
“Yes. Purple sparkles for Ro. Always for Ro.”
Today was one of those good foundation days, though. I got a very wonderful phone call about some things we are going to be working on with one of our celebrity friends. For now, I’m going to keep things on the down low until we are ready to announce what we are going to be doing. I’ve been quietly working on things while adjusting to Poppy life. I’ve been trying to find that balance of, “Hey, I can do it all!” but also, “Hey, I really can’t because I have a new baby!”
Between Poppy, your brothers, foundation work, and our book, it’s a lot. But nobody loves a challenge more than I do, so I’m happy to be wearing all the hats that I am. There are too many kids dying to slow down now, or ever.
Alright, little man. This is all the update I can write for tonight. When Poppy sleeps, I must sleep. Or so they say.
G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
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