Ronan. Hello May and hello constant stream of tears. Also, hello my little shadow, aka, Quinn who seems to be busting me whenever I am a bloody mess. It’s happened twice this week. Both times he caught me crying, in Poppy’s room.
“What’s wrong mom? Why are you sad?”
I wiped my face and just told him I had a hard day and was missing you a lot.
“It’s o.k. that I’m sad about Ronan, right Quinn? I’m allowed. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to be o.k., I’m just really sad today.”
Quinn shook his head. “I love you, Mom. Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head no.
“O.k. well, I love you so much.
“I love you more, buddy. Thank you for checking on me.”
That was a couple of days ago. Tonight, the same thing happened. Everyone was out except for me and your Poppy sister. I guess I kind of lost it, mid rocking her and some how I ended up on my computer, watching old videos of you. Hospital videos. “I love you, mama.” You told me this at least 5 times in a 4:32 minute segment. We went back and forth. “I love you, Ronan. I’m so proud of you.” “Mama, you my best friend.” On and on it went, your squeaky little voice over and over as we went through a book of animals. “What’s this mama?” “A dolphin, baby.” “Will it bite me, mama?” “No, monkey. Dolphins are nice.” “Dolphins are nice,” you repeated.
I slammed my computer shut after that as I held your sister and sobbed. I took her into your room and rocked her as I cried some more. Everyone came home soon after that. Quinn found me in your dark room, rocking Poppy. He saw my red blotchy face.
“What’s wrong, mom? Are you sad?”
“Yes, baby. Just a little sad tonight.”
“Do you need anything, mom? Can I take Poppy?”
“No thank you. I will be alright.”
“Please mom. I don’t mind taking Poppy. I really like holding her.”
“O.k. Quinn. Thanks for helping me. I love you so much.”
I handed Poppy to your brother and watched as he snuggled up on your bed with her and I begged in my head for you to please come back.
I went to wash my face and your daddy had no clue that I had been crying, until he saw my face.
“What’s wrong? Why won’t you look at me? Who upset you today?”
I told him, today, nobody. Tomorrow might be a different story as I swear to god I am dealing with a bunch of petty bullshit again.
“I’m just sad. For the same reason I’m always sad.”
Your daddy said he knew because he has been feeling the same way.
It’s that time of year again. It’s that very, very hard month where our emotions seem to be all over the place. Even the girls at my nail salon know it. My sweet Emily who used to paint your toes, Ronan, remembers what is coming up.
“It almost 2 years, Maya.” she said to me in her very broken english tonight as she rubbed my arm.
“I remember. I think to myself, it almost 2 years. I sorry,” she said.
I said I couldn’t believe she remembered. I thanked her for remembering.
“I sorry I make you sad,” Emily said.
“Oh, Em. You can’t make me sad, I’m always sad.” I said as I somehow held back the tears. I couldn’t tell if they were tears from being sad over you or so touched by the fact that Emily remembered that your 2 years Deathiversary is coming up.
“Purple sparkles, right Maya? Always sparkles.” Emily said as she filed my nails.
“Yes. Purple sparkles for Ro. Always for Ro.”
Today was one of those good day foundation wise though. I got a very wonderful phone call in regards to some things we are going to be working on with one of our celebrity friends. For now, I’m going to keep things on the down low, until we are ready to announce what it is that we are going to be doing. I’ve been quietly working on things while adjusting to Poppy life. I’ve been trying to find that balance of, “Hey I can do it all! But hey, I also really can’t because I have a new baby!” Between Poppy, your brothers, foundation things, our book… well, it’s a lot. But nobody loves a challenge more than me so I’m happy to be wearing all the hats that I am. There are too many kids dying to slow down now, or ever.
Alright little man. This is all the update I can write for tonight. When Poppy sleeps, I must sleep. Or so they say.
G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
61 thoughts on “All I want in life is a cure for childhood cancer and to be glitter bombed.”
That has got to be the sweetest picture ever 🙂 and I’m so sorry you have to live without your baby. I wish he was here with you so much. XO
Such a beautiful picture….huggs xoxo 😉
I’m so, so sorry for all of you. It’s not fair for you, Woody, Liam, Quinn or Poppy…but most of all it’s not fair for Ronan to not be there with you all. It’s not fair that he had to endure what he did and it’s bullshit how many kids and families endure it every day. Love to you all. May us such an asshole.
just remember you soooo weren’t built to break maya, even when sometimes you feel like you want to crumple into a hot mess. you always pick yourself up, I admire that so much. such a shame the foundation isn’t around in australia yet, you would never believe how little is said about childhood cancer over here. I mean once in October you’ll hear of gold week (if we’re lucky) and that’s it. How suckish is that ?! It’s almost as if people think it’s such a scary and horrible topic if you stop speaking about it it’ll just disappear. uh nah.
But you’re fighting it so well, i know with the help of ronan and his spicy magic, and your amazing foundation, incredible things will happen !
sending so much love, everyone is behind you 110%
That picture melts my heart
Maya, this breaks my heart;( I could never imagine the pain you must go through on a daily basis. I had a homeless 23 year old boy on our street the other day…. Which in our quiet cul de sac we don’t have many I went through the whys of why he’s homeless he said he was addicted to drugs. I told him he has no excuse not to do something with his life. That he is blessed beyond belief that he doesn’t have cancer and someone somewhere wants him to live. He has no excuse he’s no paralyzed he has no disabilities and nothing is stopping him from doing everything in life he wants to. Ro inspires me daily to be positive he also inspires me to tell people to be spicey and have an extra shot and live everyday because kids are dying from cancer and they have been given the chance to live! I hope Ro inspires that kid to stay clean and do something anything because Ro and so many other kids babies aren’t getting the chance! I’m sorry this is the reason you are inspiring me and others;( Ro should fucking be here!!! I will continue to live everday to the fullest cause Ro and Ezra didn’t get to!!!! Xo
what a heartbreaking, sweet picture, like it so so much.
From the bottom of my heart I wish you so much strength and love to stand that hard month.
It’s amazing how Quinn takes care of you and how he wants his mum to feel any better. Your kids are wonderful and so is Woody!
Maya keep you head up high as you always do! I wish so much Ro was here with you!
Take good care of Poppy baby…
Best wishes from Germany,
That picture is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen- they love each other so much. Maya, you are the strongest mom I know of, and you’ll make Ro proud this month and forever<3
Very precious picture indeed. Heartwarming….Maya, I will never stop hating the unfairness that you have to live with everyday. It’s never going to be right. And now you know that you can love that new Poppy sweetie with all your heart and that does not mean you have replaced or are forgetting Ronan. A mother’s love is boundless, but you never really get it until you are placed in those situations. My baby would be 13 this year. My love for him continues to run strong…the hole in my heart never filled…Wishing you everything you wish for…and then some.
Oh Maya, that is the most beautiful sweet picture ever! I’m so proud of you and your family for staying together and united after all that happened. You’re doing a really good job, just keep going! Sending some RoLove to you, your family and Ronan
Thinking of you and yours during this heartbreaking month for you. Keep doing what you are doing XOXO – this is reminding me of the song “Glitter in the Air” today. Sending you much love.
I love that picture. Oh Maya, I just keep saying how sorry I am and that I love you. They don’t seem like enough. I love you. I’m so sorry honey. I wish so hard I could take your pain and he would come back. It’s raining here this morning. Maybe it’s Ro 🙂
That picture is priceless. Thank you again for sharing.
So sweet!! Love the photo. What a lucky Poppy!! Stay strong Maya!
This picture of Quinn and Poppy melts my heart. What an amazing family you have. Thinking of you all during this very difficult time! Hugs
I love you all so much… Be gentle to yourself Maya and breathe. Sweetest photo.
What you’re doing with this blog is so beautiful. My husband and I recently learned of your story and we share it with friends daily as well as look at his beautiful pictures. Though he may be gone he is most certainly not forgotten, even by those who never knew him. I’ll be joining in with you this month and getting me some purple sparkly nails. Big hug to you and xoxo’s to precious Ronan!
That photo completely melts my heart 🙂
I can’t even imagine how hard this shitty month is for all of you. The fact that you are dealing with petty shit on top of that right now really pisses me off. I want to punch those people so bad right now!
Wow, Quinn’s love for Poppy is just another screaming example of what a wonderful mama you reallly are. I’m so sorry that Ronan is not there with you – it’s just heartbreaking and awful. Be kind to yourself in May. Sending you thoughts of love love love from Seattle.
That is the sweetest picture ever. I’m glad you have Quinn to help you out — what an amazing boy he is…as all your kids are!
My heart just hearts so very bad for you.
I cry during almost all of your posts, but this one in particular just made my heart ache. Reading how Quinn just naturally knows how to be there and love so effortlessly, it moved me so much. What an awesome bunch of boys (and girl) you have been blessed with!
Sending love & prayers from Northern Va.
Oh maya I’m sorry this month is so tough! I think about Ronan a lot too. I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years. I’m still so sorry. I’m so happy you have your twins and baby girl and all the good things with the foundation! Hang in there lady! Love u! xoxo
You break my heart and put it back together all over again. I love you with everything inside of me (and your Poppy and 4 boys).
Did you get Poppy’s package of onesies delivered to the Foundation address? I have the card here at home still- crap. Hope they made you smile.
Hang in there maya!!! November is my may…I lost a baby to trisomy 18 in 1998 I was just 16 years old and had to make the decision to take her of her oxygen…she lived 6 sweet precious days!!! I have since had two children 13 and 8 but then had two miscarriages and now pregnant again and oh so scared!!! You are a strong woman and like I’ve said before almost like family!!! I am here for you and the family and Ronan he is a force to be reckoned with and even tho he is not physically here holds such a strong presence!!! Fuck cancer
Fucancer!!’ It sucks! Ronan should be here. May is the beginning of a hard 3mos for me. Today is my moms birthday but she’s not here. #fupancreaticcancer She’s forever in my heart.
I think of you & Ronan #alwaysrolove
Love that pic of Quinn. He’s such a good brother. Enjoy every minute with popstar and can’t wait for your book.
Rolove mama xo
Sweet, sweet picture.
I cry with you Maya…though I can never feel the pain and sadness that you experience on a daily basis I cry with you and wish that I could bring Ro back too. I truly love you Maya…sending love, hugs and purple kisses xoxoxo
I LOVE that picture. Brought me to tears. Thinking of you all this month, and always.
Every time I read anything you write I cry,I’m sorry you have to be sad at times:( this picture is priceless and I so love the pillows…………..;) I’ve said that to my lil ones when they were lil and sometimes still do ❤ your Ronan is forever in-bedded in my heart as well as your Family and I don't even know you, but your doing a great thing by many in this world and your keeping your son's beautiful memories alive for all ❤ A hug for the momma .to the moon and back:) Love from Castle Rock wa.<3
There’s such a calm sadness in this post. I am sorry, Maya. This is pure bullshit. Poppy has the best big brothers in the world and it’s all because of you. Hang on to those beautiful memories – we are all in this with you to end it. Fuck Cancer.
darling, darling Quinn.
A beautiful, sweet picture. There is so much love in your home. Tears are not a sign of weakness, they show an enormous amount of love and strength in your heart.
that picture of Quinn and Poppy is so precious. Your Quinn is going to be one hell of a man, I can just tell. I’m so sorry – every time I think of what you and Cindy must be going through – I wish I could turn back time and bring Ronan and Ty back. I just can’t wrap my head around the unfairness of it all. Ronan is so beautiful – he should be there with you and the boys and Poppy. This all makes no sense. I’m forever sorry. I am a supporter of your foundation from across the miles – always looking forward to seeing what amazing work you guys are doing next. Keep fighting on. Bless the amazing people you have working with you on this journey – fighting to make a difference – fighting to keep Ronan’s memory alive and change the outcomes of a Neuroblastoma diagnosis for children in the near future!
Quinn, the size of your heart for your momma, brothers, and daddy is unreal. I see that picture, and the way you talk to your mother, it just melts my heart. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes.
You and your husband have done the most amazing job with all your children.
FUCK CANCER. No one ever deserves this. Especially the amazing people you all seem to be.
I adore this picture, and I want those pillows, they are just darling!!!
That picture … Quinn is such a sweetheart. He reminds me of my son, Finn.
Maya, I’m so sorry. Your pain breaks my heart. I found your blog shortly after Ronan was diagnosed. I will never forget your posts from 2 years ago, the disbelief I felt over what was happening, the silence for a few days and then the “Where is Ronan” post. Nothing has been the same since.
I have a girl Ronan’s age, she will be 6 tomorrow. So so often I look at her and how she has changed in the past 2 years and I think of you and Ronan, and all the things you will never know. Lily will start 1st grade this year, FIRST GRADE! So should Ronan.
There are no words to make this better or okay or whatever. Please just know you are heard, and loved.
I am sorry for whatever petty nonsense it aggravating you these days. As many before me have already said, the picture of your son and daughter is tender and beautiful. You are generous to share that with us all. Maya – I wish you and Woody lots of moments of peace and happiness. I am incredibly sorry for your loss of Ronan. I read on another site that this Sunday is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I can’t imagine that you would have the time to participate in this google hang out( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ez60OQKuGsc), but in case you need an escape on Sunday I am sharing it.
Ok when you publish your book, please come to NYC to do a book signing/promotion and I will glitter bomb you when you least expect it 😀
May is the cruelest month for your family. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
If I could find you I’d glitter bomb you! 🙂 And what a sweet picture of Quinny and Poppy. She has the bet brothers ever. Love to you during the worst month ever.
Maya that photograph is so precious.
Today I have thought a lot about Ronan. It is my son’s 6th birthday today – he is my star wars baby. It is not fucking fair that Ronan is not here getting ready for his 6th birthday. I’m wishing Ro a Happy Star Wars day – May the 4th be with you always lil man xx
I thought of you this morning when I woke up – about how this month is just going to be so very painful and difficult for you with Ronan’s anniversary, his birthday, Mother’s Day etc coming up. Although I do not personally know you, like many of your blog readers, I have journeyed with you right from the very beginning. I remember rooting Ronan on each day while reading your updates and feeling so sad when he left.
So this time of the year, that same heaviness returns for me as well, as I remember your ongoing journey and remember Ronan. Such a beautiful boy! And those beautiful blue eyes and trademark RoPoppy Thompson lips!!
I’m so very sorry it has to be so difficult – this shouldn’t happen to you and your family at all and it’s just so unfair. I wish I could sprinkle some magic purple sparkles and star dust on you to make it all go away.
You are a wonderful mom and it’s all so clear to see with Quinn being so mature and supportive! I hope you know that you continue to inspire me each day with your strength and courage – you’re not afraid to show your weakness, not afraid to fall and cry, not afraid even to tell God what you think and not afraid to fight back and to channel your sadness into so much good with Ronan’s Foundation is inspiring.
I know I will probably never get to meet you (because I live all the way out here in Singapore) and give you one big hug. But know that you are a brave momma and from you, I’ve learnt not to let myself get beaten when the going gets tough.
Sending you lots of love, light and prayers during this difficult month!
F U Cancer!!!
Love that picture!!!
That is the sweetest picture ever. So touching. Your blog has touched so many people Maya. It has made us wake up to childhood cancer and be more appreciative of every minute we have with our kids. Your ability to convey the pain of your loss makes us realise that nobody who has ever lost a child ever, ever gets over it. There are so many parents who try to hide that pain, who don’t have your eloquence and ability to connect with people. Thank you for sharing your love for Ronan and your profound loss with all of us. It has taught me a lot. So please don’t let the petty things get you down. You are making a difference in the world, be sure of that.
Precious photo . . .
Maya, I’m so sorry , and will be heading over to the Ronald McDonald house in NYC with lots of goodies or the kids there in honor of Ronan’s birthday on may 12 th. We can’t wait to go! It is our tradition that we will do this or all our birthdays and Ronan’s. You and Ronan have changed us with your story, and for that i Thank you. PS that pic of Quinn and Poppy is pure love!
What an amazing big brother and son Quinn is!
What a wonderful, caring and sweet boy Quinn seems to be.
What a fantastic picture of Quinn and Poppy. Pure Love.
I hope that there is a cure for childhood cancer and that you are glitter bombed!! Quinn is the best big brother/son. Poppy is adorable. FU CANCER!!
Once again, you’ve inspired me. Whenever life seems tough and I have no idea how I will make it through the day I think of you, Ronan, and your beautiful family. Your all Rockstars! And I hope you find a moment to be proud of yourself. I can’t wait to see what The Ronan Thompson Foundation is working on now.
Thinking about you. Your Quinn reminds me of my nate. You have a house full of lovers. My heart hurts with you. Sending you positive vibes so that you can get through this month.
Your posts always make me cry. I am so so sorry for your loss I can’t even imagine how much it hurts and stings your heart. You are
such a talented writer; amazing. I’m an avid reader and no writing has ever affected me like yours has. I always keep Poppy and your family in my prayers; much love to you all!
That Poppygirl sure is beautiful! Ro will forever be an inspiration. As will you, Maya. I really think you should watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=py_30jZGUYk Children asked how to make sick kids better. It’s so beautiful, hilarious, and adorable, and an example of how pure a child’s heart is. It’ll make you smile.
Maya…I painted my toes sparkly purple. It was called Rockstar PInk…but I call it Rockstar Ro. I look down and think of him all the time. I hope May is over soon…Love you Maya.
All good things are wild and free.
Tomorrow, two years … purple, smile,FU cancer and so much love, everything is ready !
I LOVE YOU RONAN !
such a beautiful tender picture at the end! 🙂
I just love to see her big brothers loving on her! I am channeling my inner badass to you for tomorrow! Stay strong, much love!
Every mom has a Quinn. I’m my moms Quinn. God bless you all. I’m not going to ask you to stay strong just alive you’re a beam of hope to a lot of people. I LOVE YOU RONAN!!!! ❤ ❤