“Do this for Ro.”


Ronan. I survived your 22 months. It was actually an o.k. day. It didn’t start out that way. I woke up, upset, crying, worrying about you like I always do. I swear I worry about you more now than I did when you were here and alive. Your brothers had basketball playoffs. They were the only team undefeated in their league. Your daddy spent all week practicing with them, coaching them, playing with them and their hard work has really paid off. On Saturday, they had an early morning game and if they won that, they would head into the final championship round. Your daddy and I spent the morning giving our usual pep talks and telling your brothers how proud we are of them. Off to the game we went and you could feel how excited they were to be playing in the playoffs. Before the game started, I walked on to the court, gave them both fist bumps and said, “Do this for Ro.” They both smiled and said, “O.k. mom.”

I sat back and watched your brothers as they had the time of their lives as they played their little hearts out. Both of them played the best games of their lives and the first game was won. We took them for lunch after as we had a couple of hours before their next game started. We talked in the car about how great they did, how great their whole team did, and how proud we knew you were. I tried not to get too sad as we talked about you and did my best to keep a smile plastered on my face. It wasn’t hard but talking about you and not having you around, still hurts for me and still takes me breath away. I would so much just rather have you here but beggars can’t be choosers, as they say. Your brothers went into the final game wanting to win it all so badly. That is exactly what they did. I watched them fight for something that they really wanted. I watched the fire and passion pour out of them as they played. I know much of this was fueled by you. It made my heart skip a beat, watching them on the court. Basketball has become their passion and outlet. I truly feel as though it has saved them in a way. The smiles on their faces after the game and the days to follow have been smiles that I will never forget. I know I say this all the time, but I am so proud of them. I am so lucky to have them. They truly are the best little boys.

Things here have been busy, but I’ve been trying to keep things as calm and peaceful as possible. I’ve started seeing Dr. Schwartz every week. Today, we sat in her office and talked. I asked her when she would be able to strip my membranes, to get this baby girl out. She asked if I was miserable. I told her no, that I just had a lot of anxiety. I told her about the support group I went to last week and how pretty much everybody in the room had a baby that had died of still birth. She said she could not believe I went to that. She sat down with me and told me she was sorry. That if I was that anxious we would of course figure out a plan. We picked out a date. I felt a little better after leaving there. She told me not to go to any more support groups as of now. I told her I would not, that I would just continue to see Dr. Jo, one on one. That seems to work best for me anyway. Those support groups have never worked well for me. It’s great to connect with other parents, but having to listen to everyone tell their stories is beyond heart wrenching and I’m not really in a strong enough place where I am o.k. with it. I wonder if I ever will be.

I had a little phone call today. I don’t want to talk about it too much as of now, but we’ve got some crazy big things in the works. I feel very blessed and excited to have such big power houses involved with your foundation. Not only powerhouses but powerhouses with the BIGGEST hearts of all. That makes such a difference to me. After my phone call, I ran to the post office to mail out some bracelets. I’ve become pretty friendly with my post office lady due to being there all the time. Today, she asked me what I was so busy mailing off. I told her the rubber bracelets I wear around my wrists which are for my son who died. She looked at me and bluntly goes, “How are you doing with that?” I just told her, “I’m not.” She told me that it will never get easier and confided in me that she had lost 2 sons. I told her I was so sorry. I thought to myself, another mom who knows this, gets this, and is not scared to tell me it doesn’t get easier. Then to my surprise she told me a sorry wasn’t necessary. That her boys where exactly where they should be, with god. My stomach dropped. A year ago, I would have lost my shit on my blog and ranted about what in the world is wrong with all of these delusional people, that think this way. If somebody tells me this, who does not know what it is like to lose a child, I might still punch them. But when it comes from somebody else who has lost a child, I am not going to judge that or tell them their way is wrong and mine is right. If that is what she truly believes and that is what gives her peace, more power to her. I quietly told her that I didn’t like that saying. That there is no better place for my son to be, but with me. I can agree to disagree with her on that one. I walked out of the post office thinking about her words. Not mad, not sad, just accepting. Obviously this woman has a stronger faith than I do and I am glad that she does. What works for her is not for everyone. What works for me, is not for everyone. At the end of the day, both of us are still here and we are surviving this extreme loss, day after day after day. That makes us both fighters in our own way. We both know how this pain feels. We both know this pain will never go away. We should all be proud of ourselves for finding our own light at the end of the tunnel that gets us through this; no matter how differently it may be.

I ran and saw your Sparkly for a bit today, aka, my peace. He is the only person that I feel complete and utter peacefulness around, Ronan. It’s been this way since the very first time that we met him, just the two of us. I’ll never forget the wave of calmness that washed over me while I was holding you in my arms and he came bursting around that corner. I knew that instant, that he was going to take care of us, no matter what happened and he has. I will forever be grateful for the bond between the two of you and now, to have him be the godfather of your baby sister… that is truly such a gift. He knew I had a hard week last week and was relieved to see that I was doing a little better this week. We talked about you and your Poppy sister much of the time. He kept telling me how excited he is for her arrival. I am so excited to meet her as well, but I might be even more excited to watch him hold her for the very first time. He has been with me in death and now this new life. I know a lot of people have, but he really has seen me through everything. The worst of the worst and now the best of the best. He laughed at the way I was touching my belly and made sure to throw in some smartass remark about how big it has gotten. I know he only did this to see me laugh, which I did. Your Sparkly always has a million tricks up his sleeve to make me smile. I love that about him. I told him how I couldn’t wait to have a little one to take care of again. I know it is going to be so good for my heart. I know she is going to be so good for everybody’s hearts. Thinking of this always makes me smile. The sweetest part of this for me will be seeing the way she brings a light into so many of our worlds. Especially your Daddy and your brothers. I know she truly is a gift from you and I will find comfort in that. I left your Sparkly with a smile on my face. Just the way he likes to see me. I am glad I was feeling alright enough today, to do so. I don’t like the days that I have to leave him any other way.

Alright my spicy little monkey boy. I have to get some things done around here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.



25 responses to ““Do this for Ro.””

  1. I’m so happy for Liam and Quinn, and I love to hear about them, because they are without a doubt the sweetest nine year old boys on this planet. Ronan was definitely there at the basketball game, giving the boys their fire. I’m so excited for Poppy to be born, she’ll be such an amazing little sister of Ronan, Liam, and Quinn, such a great daughter to you and Woody, and a bright light in the universe. I’m so glad she’s coming so soon<3

  2. So glad you’re getting closer to your day and Poppy’s birthday!

    So glad you left Mr. Sparkly Eyes with a smile. I’m glad he’s in your life.

    Always thinking if you & Rockstar Ro. Always rolove!!! XO

  3. So very happy you had a good couple of days. I know that Poppy girl is going to be very healthy. Ro wouldn’t have it any other way!

  4. I hurt for you all so much and admire how you are able to give your boys happiness even with your grief! Poppy is going to be that little ray of hope and light. I am so glad for that! Ronan Quinn, Liam & Poppy got a fantastic Mom!

  5. So proud of the boys! You and Woody are proof of what great parenting can do. I’m excited for Poppy too! 🙂 I cannot wait. You seem to be doing better lately, sad, but I think that is something you will always be, but better none the less. I’m so proud of you for always staying strong Maya! I can’t see where the foundation and you and your family go in the future. Some of those bracelets were probably to me. So thank you. 🙂

  6. Oh my gosh I am an idiot. I mean’t “Can’t wait to see”

  7. I think that there is no right and wrong path for a grieving parent but I am with you – I don’t think there is a better place for my sons than with me. I wish none of us lived in a world without our child/children.

    I agree – no more support groups.

    Congratulations on the basketball championship!


  8. I’m glad you picked a date. It will be good to have one sweet thing for sure… With so many worries and unknowns… You have a day to meet and hold your little Poppy and share her with all your boys. She will be your little sidekick! 🙂

  9. Oh my gosh, the boy between Liam and Quinn, kissing his trophy. Kids at that age are hilarious…such hams. So glad to hear that you are feeling a bit brighter this week. Big hugs! I’m sure Ronan is looking out for Poppy.

  10. I’m so glad your doctor was able to work with you on a plan for keeping Poppy safe – I hope it has helped to put your mind at ease a little.

    This is honestly not meant to be rude or anything, but I couldn’t find a delicate way to ask (sorry!) – do you worry about asking your sons to “do this for Ro”? It seems like it could be a lot of pressure. If they hadn’t won their game would they have been OK knowing they’d given it their best?

    I have such admiration for you. It sounds likeyou are a wonderful mother and are doing amazing work with Ro’s Foundation, and with this blog. I truly believe that your willingness to share your pain will help others in a similar situation.

    I think if you.and your family often, from over here on the other side of the world.

  11. So proud of L & Q…such amazing little boys!!! xo

  12. So proud of your little men:) So excited that this little Poppy is almost a reality! Can’t wait to see all those beautiful pics of her:) Love you Maya. Always thinking of you guys.

  13. Congratulations to Liam and Quinn! They look so happy 🙂 Can not wait to see pictures of little miss Poppy!!!

  14. strong words and a joy in your troubled life to come with little miss Poppy!! I admire your strength and understand your sadness……
    nadine from Bekkevoort, Belgium

  15. Maya,

    This may be a silly questions so please forgive me. Where can I purchase those purple braclets for my family and friends? Thanks

    – Michael Pate

    Burleson, TX

  16. Hey maya,
    My mother lost her first born child long before I was born. She still to this day cannot talk about it fully, it was an unfortunate accident beyond anyone’s control. She didn’t get over it but she learned to live with the pain of the loss, I’m not sure it’s something you ever get over, I know she thinks about him all the time and she is such a kind selfless person. She works in a school and sees my brother in every child she helps and she sees him in my nieces and nephews each of them have a little piece of him. It’s been well over twenty years since his passing, she’s in a good place now she loves my siblings and I with all her might and always has been an amazing mother. She made it her goal to cherish every second, minute ,hour, of the day with her loved ones. She opens up about him at times but the pain in her face is evident, she has an amazing way with words like you, I’ve encouraged her to write a book and to my surprise she’s been writing. Anyway my point is the pain of losing your child will not fade, neither will his memory. You will learn to live with it, it will be a part of who you are like a second skin. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing just a constant reminder to cherish every second that much more. I want you to know I may not know you or Ronan, or the twins or Poppa Ronan, or Poppy but I love you all and send you all My love from NYC. I’m not very religious but I pray we kick cancer’s ass. All my love and well wishes 😄😃😘

  17. are we voting for @rockstarronan???? do this for RO!
    childhood awareness
    pediatric cancer

    vote… it’s unlimited through 4/15 for RoBaby
    RoLove Always


  18. My name is mike I’m in Toronto Ontario at sick kids hospital in the cancer word with my daughter Peyton . I never knew your story of Ronan before, I’m so sorry for your loss. I just want you to know that I think your an angel and such a inspiration I truly adore what you have done. I hope I have half of your strength to get through this, the song that Taylor swift wrote is amazing!! I won’t take much of your time I just wanted you and your family to know that you are amazing.

  19. Just want to remind everyone to keep voting for maya’s blog on the arizona star’s battle of the blogs. we are in the #1 spot but the #2 spot is catching up

  20. this blog has changed me in soo many ways. As a mother I don’t take anything for granted……thank you for that……….Tammy


  21. I am happy that you’re happy.I’m happy for you,for Liam and Quinn.I’m happy that Poppy is going to bring joy to you.She will help you go through this.Stay strong Maya.I love you.

  22. Angela Fioccola Avatar
    Angela Fioccola

    Hi Maya. I live very close to MSK and I pass by everyday with Ro in my heart and on my mind. He is such an amazing little boy and your story has helped me and so many others appreciate the life we are blessed to live. Thank you for sharing the most beautiful blue eyed boy. I cannot wait to run for him on Mother’s Day. I too, have not trained at all for a 5K, but like you said we have to run for Ro and all the beautiful babies who don’t have the chance. Always thinking of Ronan and your gorgeous family and sending so much love. Angela

  23. Way to go Liam and Quinn!! Such great news to hear they have something like that that they are so passionate about. They must get their passion for things from their mother (no offense at all Woody) =)

    I can’t wait to hear what the important phone call about the foundation is going to be.

    RoNation, RoLove 💜💀💜

  24. I love the photos of your husband and boys. It’s so nice to see them smiling and happy. Treasure those moments. I can’t imagine the pain you feel everyday without your beautiful boy but I know Ronan is with you always. xoxo

  25. I heard Taylor Swift’s song and went back to read Ronan’s story from the beginning. Had me absolutely bawling. Thank you for sharing your family’s ordeal. It touches me, and I wish you all the happiness that you deserve…that Ronan would’ve wanted you to have.
    You’re an amazing mother Maya. Liam, Quinn, Ronan and baby Poppy are so blessed to have you.

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