Ronan. I am still trying to recover from my birthday/day/night of all things that I had no control over. In my previous life, I loved having a life like this. Not a care in the world, flying by the seat of my pants, doing whatever it is that the day brought before me, not having much of a schedule. In this new life, I don’t do well with a life like this anymore. My day planner is packed with what the days/weeks/months ahead of me look like. I need a strict routine, a schedule, a plan. Not knowing what is happening or even worse, not having a thing to do, sends me into a mode of panic/I feel like I need to check myself into a mental ward. The only place I do well with not having much of a schedule in, is New York. It is the only place I let myself just roll with whatever comes my way. I guess it’s easy for me to be this way in a city that is constantly busy and buzzing because I know I have 5,000 options to choose from and the day will always bring something amazing. I think a lot of this new desire for a strict schedule also comes from feeling like the world was spinning so out of control while you were sick as we never knew what was going to happen and everything awful seemed to happen so quickly. We tried so hard to hold on to you and your life during treatment but before I knew it, time ran out and you were dead. The 8 months that you were sick, I often felt like I was living in a tornado of death where the spinning never seemed to stop and I felt at all times, totally out of control. I tried so hard to be brave and strong for you but the truth of the matter is, I was always scared to death.
I woke up on my birthday day not wanting to wake up at all. Quinn came into my room and your daddy was up soon after that. Quinn brought me some juice and wished me a Happy Birthday. Liam was still sound asleep. Your daddy asked me if I wanted to come out to the kitchen to see what he and your brothers had done for me. The tone in his voice sounded so joyous and so proud that I thought to myself, “Oh my god. He brought Ronan back for me. I just know that when I go into the kitchen, Ronan will be there waiting for me because this all is really some sick cruel joke and Ronan was just needed for an experiment to find a cure for childhood cancer.” I got up out of bed and wiped the tears from my eyes and snapped out of my fantasy world and realized that this was not going to happen. I just whispered to your daddy, “I told you I didn’t want any gifts,” as I weakly walked out into our kitchen I saw that there were indeed gifts and cards on our table. Homemade cards by your brothers and daddy because those to me, are the best. They were all signed from your brothers and they had written out your name as well. Liam signed your name, Ro Ro, which made me smile and cry all at the same time. I had forgotten how he loved to call you this.
After I dropped your brothers off at school, I came home. I knew that if I did not leave my house for the day, that I was not going to do anything on my birthday but sit and cry. I had lunch plans with Fernanda and Stacy and it took everything I had NOT to cancel on them. I had to make myself leave the house and go and do something. I talked myself into this, but it took a lot of effort. “You cannot cancel on your friends today. Look at all they have done for you. As much as you want to hide, you just cannot. Make a plan. Spend this day with your sweet friends who love you so much.” So, that is what I did. I was ignoring my phone that was blowing up with birthday wishes. (thank you all by the way) I headed over to The Biltmore to go and do something nice for myself. I had decided that the only way I was not going to sit and cry all day was if I had somebody at the Mac make-up counter do my make-up. False eyelashes included. I have a rule that you cannot cry if you are wearing false eyelashes because you don’t want to ruin them and make them come off. I never wear them so I don’t even know if this rule is true. It’s just something I made up in my head. I sat and got my make-up done. I pretend chatted happily with the guy working his magic and when he asked how many kids I had, I told him 3 with a 4th on the way. I somehow managed not to spill my guts about you dying as I knew if I started in on my truth, the make-up would come pouring off. Instead, I let myself focus on nothing but the art in front of me and listened to him tell me how lucky I was to have such natural, full lips. I wanted to tell him I would happily take a knife and slice my lips off if it meant bringing my dead child back but I decided to hold back on my extreme berserk fantasies for the day.
Fernanda picked me up for lunch and took me to Chelsea’s Kitchen where they had told me we were going, but we were also going to the mall to look for Poppy’s furniture as well. They had concocted this whole story about going to Pottery Barn Kids on my birthday and how we HAD to go as Fernanda knew somebody who worked there who had agreed to give us a discount on some furniture. I had a feeling something else was going on, but had not a clue as to what it might be. I decided to play along and be a good sport about the whole thing, but I knew the two of them were up to something. I was waiting with Stacy down by Nordstrom at Fashion Square Mall. Fernanda had left lunch in the middle of us eating and Stacy told me we were meeting up with her outside of Nordstrom right by the escalators. I sat and waited patiently. The next thing I knew, Stacy pulled out a little stereo from her purse and a Madonna song came blasting out of it. I looked up at the escalator and before my very eyes, about 17 of my dear friends appeared, all dressed up like different versions of Madonna, singing their little hearts out to a Madonna song as they made their way down the escalator to me. It took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on. This was not my birthday celebration, it was my anti-poppy shower! I could not believe what my friends had pulled off. I knew a shower was in the works, but everyone had me convinced that it was going to be in February. To have my shower, on my birthday, was the last thing I expected.
I think I buried my head on my lap. I know I cried but I was laughing as well. I could not believe all of my friends who were there to do this for me. Fairy RoMo flew in from New York. Robyn flew in from Tampa. And later in the day, I got a surprise from Macy who flew in from San Francisco. I could not have been more touched. The shower started early in the day and we did a scavenger hunt through the mall where we were chased by security and threatened to get thrown out of because as we learned, scavenger hunts are not allowed. After the mall, we ended up at The W Hotel where my Macy surprise awaited me and we had a little toast to your Poppy sister and you. Tears were shed and I skipped out for a little bit to run home to see your daddy and brothers as it was my birthday, too and they all wanted to see me as well. I needed to catch my breath for a minute too, because I was told the night was not ending anytime soon. I returned back to the girls where the rest of night was spent riding a mechanical bull, (not by me of course) but by many of the girls and the laughs alone from that will be something that I will remember for the rest of my life. The last stop of the night was Fernanda’s house. There was food, a candy desert bar, a photo booth, and sparklers. We all went outside to light them off and Fernanda gave a little talk before hand about how none of us would be here if it weren’t for sparkly you. She also took a second to talk about Ezra as well because Robyn was there with us all and she wanted to honor you both in a way that meant so much to not only Robyn, but me as well. One look at Robyn and it was game freaking over. We both were a mess and I spent the next few minutes hugging my friends while tears and snot dripped all over them.
I had to take a lot of time outs during the day and evening. It was the most amazing shower ever, but it was also very hard as well. At the end of the day, I don’t for a second ever get to totally exhale and forget about the fact that the love of my life, you, is dead. I had many moments of happiness but also many moments of complete and utter sadness, pain, shock, and just a feeling of being overwhelmed that never goes away. I have suffered the greatest loss one can suffer and now I have this life growing inside of me that I am so excited and thankful for. But death also surrounds me all the time because I am still so heavily grieving the loss of you. Those two things are very hard to balance. I can say for a fact that I remember each and every single day, how lucky I am to have the women that I do in my life as not many people have this. But I am also very aware of why they are here. For as beautiful as a thing as it is, it is also very, very, sad. I thank you all of them time for them as I truly do feel like each and every one of them are gifts from you, Ronan. I am so lucky to have them surrounding me, holding me up, and loving me unconditionally. They truly are amazing little gifts from you.
I woke up after my anti, very untraditional, the most epic shower, EVER, with such an major emotional hangover that I am just now starting to recover from. I spent Saturday morning, sobbing in my bed while your daddy tried to comfort me. I tried to explain to him how it was the most magical night ever, but also so very hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put into words how much that day/night meant to me even though I spent much of the time during and after, crying about it. Crying about so many things. Love, loss, pain, happiness, sadness, the way all things beautiful in my life will forever be painful, too. How you will never get to be here with us, loving your Poppy sister in the way that you should be here, loving her. Most of all, crying so much over the fact that I just fucking miss you so much and I will never stop missing you. Ever. I think I miss you more as time goes on.
I love you, baby doll. Thank you to all of my dear friends who pulled off my shower and who worked so very hard on making it so out of the box, crazy, funny, and heartfelt. You all are bloody geniuses and could rule the world while giving Madonna a run for her money. It as apparent how much work, love and details went into planning this for me as everything blew my mind. I personally believe you should all go into the baby shower throwing business and start a new trend in the way baby showers are thrown. Counting jelly beans in baby bottles and guessing how big someone’s stomach is with toilet paper, can kiss my ass. Thank you to all my beautiful friends who came out to celebrate all things Poppy and Ronan. I love you all.
G’nite Ro baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.