20 months is not a kissing day





Ronan. Today I woke up knowing it was the 9th. 20 months without you. I hate today so much. Your daddy woke up in the best mood ever. I know this is not true, but in my psychotic mind, it was. He was singing in the shower, Ronan. Singing?!?! Can you believe that one? I was beyond grumpy, hormonal and upset so of course I snapped at your daddy, “Can you please stop singing?! This is not a happy day!” He then made me feel like the biggest jackass ever by saying something really nice like he was just trying to wake himself up and he knows that today is an awful day. He tried to grab me for a kiss before work but I refused to give him one. I told him that today was not a kissing day. Remember the way you used to tell me that? In your grumpy little voice. “It’s not a kissing day, mama!” I always loved all my days with you, kissing or not, so very much.

I had a phone call this morning. I’ve had a lot of phone calls this week with different publishing houses. My agent, Nina, has done an amazing job of getting my proposal into the very best hands. Harper Collins! Random House! Simon & Shuster! St. Martin’s Press! Or as my Fairy Ro Mo said to me, “Nice little Indie Publishing Houses they are. Not! Wow!” I laughed out loud at her when I got that text message. I did not know if I was going to be able to pull it together for this phone call this morning as I was on the verge of tears. Luckily, it could not have went better. I think I cried at the beginning, listening to the woman on the other end of the phone tell me how sorry she was about you, but how moved she was with our story. I loved that she really seemed to get it and connect to you in a way that felt so right. She could not have been more complimentary which is always nice. I did what I always do in these phone calls which is let you guide me while I speak from the heart. I felt really good about it when it ended.

I didn’t have anything super crazy or dangerous to do today, on the 9th fuckwad of a fucking day so I did my best just to get through it. I miss my danger days where I used to take the 9th and do something totally dangerous and fun. Last year at this time, I was jumping out of an airplane. I mainly did it thinking I was going to die and I didn’t care. Once I hit the ground, I realized I didn’t really want to die, but instead I wanted to live my life to the fullest and forever do things that you will never get to do. Skydiving included. That was kind of my wake up call in life. I remember hitting the ground and thinking to myself, “If I can jump out of an airplane, I can do ANYTHING.” I still think this is true. I am so thankful for that experience at that time which totally woke my ass up. And I would do it again in a heartbeat, but something tells me that being almost 7 months pregnant, and skydiving do not go hand in hand.

So for today on my “danger day,” I totally did some rad mom danger things. I had to rent a Mini-Van due to being in a little fender bender a few weeks ago. Totally not my fault by the way. Shout out to the VP of your foundation, Ro, for running into me! I have to LOL at that one. It was a very minor accident and he felt so bad. But I have had the BEST time giving him shit about it. And now I get to rock a very dangerous mini van for the next couple of weeks which will be so very awesome! I also went to buy some new pants today because mine are no longer fitting me. I tried them on in the store and they were such a perfect fit that I of course had to wear them out. I spent all morning walking around with the tags on my butt and back thigh. Everyone in all of Scottsdale/Phoenix is now aware that I am a size 30 in jeans. Holla! If you ask me, that was a very dangerous day indeed.

I am wrapping up this post tonight with a raging headache and a wave of exhaustion hitting me that I have not felt in a while. I think the holidays, traveling, Teddy, you, grief, pregnancy, and going, going, going, non-stop is catching up with me. I might need an early bedtime tonight.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.


27 responses to “20 months is not a kissing day”

  1. Maya, my heart continues to break for you. I’m so sorry that there had to be a 20 months. I’m so sorry that he’s not here to wreak havoc. I’m so, so sorry.

  2. I thought of you and your danger days today, continues to inspire me 🙂 Rocking a mini van, that’s dangerous 😉
    I am so excited for your book, I have told everyone I know! So proud of Mama Maya!
    I hope you do go to bed early tonight and get the rest you deserve

  3. God I fucking love you!

  4. You are RoMazing RoMama! I laughed out loud “Everyone in all of Scottsdale/Phoenix is now aware that I am a size 30 in jeans. Holla!” 🙂

    I wore my “Rockstar Ronan” and purple today to honor Ronan!

    I can’t wait to hear more about your book and how that’s coming along. I’m so excited for you and everything you and Ro are doing. Two little spicy monkeys you two are! Two BadAsses! and can’t forget little Popstar Poppy in the mix 🙂

    Think of you all of the time. I hope you get the rest you & PopStar deserve.

  5. First time reader, mom of a little fighter going through chemo. I loved this post so much. Best of luck with the publishers, I will definitely be buying the book.

  6. I remember your danger days… inferno hikes and not eating and jumping out of airplanes and giving the finger and general FU to various things and places!!! Loved those fu pics!!! I was always so worried about you during (what I thought at the time was) the truly dangerous stuff… (heat stroke!!!). But I was also so inspired by you for expressing yourself and your feelings and the intensity of your forever unending Rolove. You are still doing wild and dangerous things everyday, be assured of that! Getting up everyday, being a mom to your 4 children in the way that each if them needs you to be, continuing to share your feelings in this blog…that’s living wild and free and spicy and dangerous even when it doesnt seem like it.

  7. Hope you gave your wonderful husband a kiss when he came home. I’m sure you did. I have cried many tears reading about your tears. You are changing the world. Thank you.

  8. Maya,
    Sadly, yes 20 months. Woodrow heldped me tremendously, in my time of need legally, and a friend of mine as well!! You are not alone in your pain and suffering, as 20 sets of parents of young beautiful children were taken away from them in Newtown, Conn. I hope and pray you feel what they are going through, and can relate with them. Please remember, if you will, that no matter the situation, someone always has it worse than you!!!
    God bless you, Woody, the kids, and the new one!!!!
    Joe H. Back in San Diego, thanks in part to Woodrow!!!!

  9. May your Rockstar visit your dreams….xoxoxo

  10. All good things are wild and free. I stumbled across this video and thought of you today.

    Tried to send it through facebook but they wanted to charge a dollar, sent it to your foundation instead (cheap but you now have one more dollar than you did yesterday and our that close to getting rid of this horrible disease). Hope you’re feeling better.

  11. We climb to the top most often on the ruins of our cherished plans, finding our failures were successes. The journey will be the reward.

  12. rebecca lookingbill Avatar
    rebecca lookingbill

    LOL your danger day was quite dangerous 🙂 Thinking of you in a mini van reminded me of the commercial I saw the other day of a mom in a van with loud rap music lol That could be you!! I hope your feeling better. I thought of Ronan and you all day yesterday. Heres to a better day today for you 🙂

  13. Maya, is there any chance Taylor Swift or Katie Couric might post your petition to turn the White House gold in September on their Facebook and Twitter sites? If they did, I could see that getting it done very quickly. My son Cole died on 1/20/2012 from neuroblastoma cancer, he was five years old. I promised him I would do “something big“ for him, and having the White House go gold is part of that “big Something” Always there with you in this fight!

    Tony (Cole’s Dad)


  14. i just can’t believe how much of a role model and exemple you are for so many people,you never stops to amaze me Maya,i admire you a lot for all these little things you do.And what about your strenght Maya,omg what an example you are.You’re truly such an aspiration for young people but for all the mothers out there.Not only you but your husband too is such an example of strenght;both of you are really wonderful people.And what about your lovely twins,i think its your whole family that is wonderful and i wish for you all the very best,you truly deserve it.You all are really an inspiration.Ronan magic does seem to work;his love is everywhere in your wonderful family.When i think of your wondeful family,i have tears of admiration.Keep inspiring so many people,you all are such so lovely.Sending love and hopes for your wonderful family.Feeling Ronan’s love,always.

  15. Please make sure we can buy your book abroad… I follow your blog since several months ago. I felt in love with those incredible crystal clear blue eyes since I unexpectedly saw them in youtube… I am sooooooooo sorry and soooooooooo incredibly sad for Ronan, for you and for your family… the song from Taylor Swift is only available at the US iTunes store, ergo we cannot buy it abroad. Please do not leave us without your book also… Keep on rocking, RoMama! You inspire people leaving beyond the US boundaries…

  16. Carol Champagne Avatar
    Carol Champagne

    Maya, Thinking of you and your everexpanding belly. Rockout those new jeans!!!! For all your sadness and incredible pain beyond measure, I hope you have an enjoyable birthday, missing your little man and all. You are an amazing woman Maya
    Love from Vermont…..

  17. Hi Maya! I know you don’t know me…but I feel like I know you so well. I stumbled across this blog a few months ago after hearing Taylor Swift’s song. I spent hours reading. I went allll the way back to beginning and read every post. You changed my life. Ronan changed my life. You have such an amazing ability to express your raw emotions and make people wake up, look around, and FEEL! I have two little girls (four and two). When I look at Riley, my oldest, my heart aches for you. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured, the horror your family has experienced, but most of all I can’t fathom what Ronan or any other child with cancer deals with. Thanks for using your pain and experience to help us all grow and learn. I am a fan for life. I wear my Ronan bracelet all the time. I will help however I can to spread awareness about this terribly neglected disease. And BEST of luck with the book. I’m secretly hoping you go with Random House. (I work for them and it would be an honor to be an employee at the company that handles your book!)

  18. Aw, that is so sad. Ro’s spicy spirit will never be forgotten. The jean thing is priceless! Haha 🙂 Thanks for that post, Mama Maya. BTW – Check your emails! Thanks. Xoxoxo

  19. maya all i can say is you are the most strongest woman i know kepp doing what your doing ro is a very proud child.

  20. Maya–I heard your story on NPR and started following your blog and I hurt for you. Years ago I lost my sister–she was 18 months old and had a very difficult life. I miss her still and grief the life she didn’t get to have. My faith helps me to feel that she is very safe and feels all the love but none of the pain. I hope you will come to feel that little Ronan is safe as well. Thanks for the work you are doing and I hope your baby girl brings you much joy and maybe some comfort too.

  21. The statistics in your last post are un-f-ing acceptable! What else can we do to help?? How do we get those agencies to listen, and give pediatric cancer the funding it deserves?? I so agree with a comment you made once about all of the pink shit for breast cancer and giving all the little girls the chance to even grow up and worry about breast cancer. GOLD should be plastered everywhere, on everything, just like the pink shit….then maybe people will listen. It only makes sense that pediatric cancers should receive the most funding… why doesn’t that make sense to everyone else? Seriously, what else do we need to be doing to get people to listen? I signed the petition to turn the white house GOLD, signature #6060 but I want to do more!

  22. Carolyn LeBlanc Avatar
    Carolyn LeBlanc

    Maya, I think maybe you should find a way to post your PF Chang’s contribution page so that it stays at the top and people can see it all the time. I think it might get lost if people have to search down the pages to get to it. Just a thought, we are rooting for you!!

  23. Maya I signed the petition tonight and shared it with everyone I know. I started reading your blog awhile back when Taylor Swift brought attention to it. It was hard but I felt like you were going to make a real difference and so many lessons could be learned from your strength so I kept reading. A month later friends of ours had their little 3 yr old girl diagnosed with brain cancer. Her name is Maya. My reading took on new meaning after that day. I have been struggling with what to say, what to ask. They are being very private right now. We only know that she has a primitive tumor that caused her eye to start looking funny. They could not remove it all and now she is in Boston undergoing chemo treatments. They haven’t told us what type of cancer or any prognosis, so we are struggling with what to say and do. They are not reaching out. I just keep reading, and I want to thank you for showing us what your “rock” friends have done for you and your family. We are trying to learn from their example. I know I don’t even need to ask but please pray for little Maya. Another precious little one who deserves better.

  24. 904 dollars per child with cancer. Most people spend more than that on their child for christmas. I went yesterday to purchase a case of water for my family. Yes people i know about waste but where i live we have a high rate of leukimia related to our drinking water. It had pink all over it for breast cancer. If they can do it for them why cant they do it gold? Nestle is the brand name just another ideai have no idea how it would begin but i know if anyone could do it…..it would be u Maya.

  25. Hello, I just wanted to let you know that I find your blog moving, and in appreciation for the strength that you show on a daily basis, I’ve nominated you for the Reality Blog Award…I don’t think it really has any rules, I just nominated 5 more blogs as did the one who nominated me (see my blog post http://bcomingfree.wordpress.com/). If you can’t accept, no worries, no pressure…just know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

  26. Maya,

    This is my first comment on your blog. I haven’t said anything up till now because I haven’t known what to say. No one knows why your story means so much to me considering I’m no where near being in your position. I am 23 years old, I live in Canada, and I have no plans to be a mother anytime soon. Yet your story of love with SpicyRo and your beautiful words have touched me more than anything I have ever heard. I want you to know that as deeply sorry as I am for the loss of your beautiful boy I am inspired by the way you push harder and harder for him every single day. I have never been a very loud person but ever since I read your story I have been shouting your achievements from the rooftops. You are the kind of person and mother I hope to be someday. All my RoLove PoppyLove and general FUCancer KickAssMamaMayaLove.


  27. Maya, I’m from Brazil, so forgive me if my English is bad. I really love your blog. Unfortunately, I know more or less the pain that you pass every day. 3 months ago I lost a very important person to me. He was 19 and died in a horrific accident. He was the most wonderful person I knew. And I still can’t believe that I lost him. I love him so much! I know I’m too young to feel a love so strong, but I can not avoid. When he was gone, it was the worst day of my life. Since then, I can’t be happy anymore. I did’t know I could love someone so much, and still do not believe I love him so much. I don’t know what I do. It’s a pain that I don’t wish even to my worst enemy. I can’t stop thinking about him. But your blog, the things you post here, help me a little. It’s horrible to think that we will not see our little angels again. I can’t believe 😦
    I love you and I love Ronan! You are changing the world with your beautiful acts. Stay well!

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