I love my Bible reading, totally devote Christian, Rissy Roo


Ronan. I have 5000 words to say tonight, but nothing to actually say, because I have too much to say. Does that make sense? I just need to wrap my head around some things and sit with some things for a while. Today, I had a nice long chat with Rita. I do this a lot as she is really good about telling me if I am being insane or not insane. She tells me I am being insane, a lot. Today, she told me I was being insane. I said, “Ok. I get that. I will listen to you. I can work with that. I can try to fix that.” In the middle of our you are being insane talk, she also said to me, “You don’t sound so good. Are you o.k.?” Grrrr…. My cover was blown! How could she tell, that I had been sitting in my bed, sobbing? I put on my best I am totally fine normal voice. ESP. Not only does she have a professional singing voice, but she also has ESP as well. I’d better always stay her friend. You never know when those two things could come in very handy in life and just might save my butt. Tonight, when I talked to Rita, she did not think I was being insane. She listened to me cry instead over the story I told her. Tonight we had a good, long talk where I listened to her opinions and advice and verified that tonight I was not in a crazy/insane place. Tonight, I was in a place of hurt and sadness and rightfully so. She also maybe almost offered to buy me my machete. That is how much I think she hurts for me sometimes. And she really does not want to buy me a machete, but tonight she was totally down for it. That made me laugh. Yeah, I don’t really know what I would do without our little Rita. She gets it more than anybody, even though she says she does not. She gets me (most of the time) so that counts for something.

I don’t know where else I really want to go with this post. I took my first Ambien in over a week to calm my nerves/to help me sleep as I am so upset I know sleep would not be happening tonight. I had a hard day doing a lot of crying. I think Coronado Island is being run by all little boys who are 3,4,and 5. Nobody else seems to exist. I had a 3, almost 4, and a dead 5-year-old too, except he couldn’t be here to play. Such a shame. He would have had so much fun, jumping in the water, begging me to take him surfing, throwing rocks off of places they shouldn’t have been thrown. I know he would have had the best summer with me.

I have this picture tonight to post Ronan, of us. I know it’s blurry and not the best quality. I have stared at this picture for 2 days now. Don’t even look at me. Look at my little boy. This picture says everything. He loved me so much. He thought I was the funniest mama on the planet. He adored me. And he was so happy. I know every single thing that he was feeling at that moment, because I was feeling it too. I was asked about peace tonight. If I will ever come to peace with losing you. My answer was, “Yes. When I am dead.” As long as I am living on this earth, without you, I will never be at peace with that. I think I will be able to find little pieces here and there, but no, I will never be fully at peace, without you Ronan. Are there mother’s out there who are at peace with losing their child or children? I am sure that there are. I am happy for them. I will not be this way. Ever. I don’t care how much my heart changes or softens. None of that will take away this pain. I am ending this now. I’ve taken my stupid Ambien and now due to the fact that it looks like the picture of you, on my screen saver is coming alive and you are moving. I just spent the past 20 minutes, touching your face, watching you breathe, all while crying and telling you to get out of that computer screen and come back to me. Yeah, Rita… even I know that’s insane.

I am getting a text message from my very serious/hardcore Christian inter, Rissy. She loves me to pieces. She tells me all the time that I am the most beautiful soul she has ever encountered and she does this all by reading my blog, spending actual time with me and holding her bible close to her heart. She embraces the way we see differently on things, but we respect and love each other enough to never be offended by our differences. I listen openly to her. I support the mission trips she goes on. I love all of that for her, so very much. In no way, shape or form does Rissy’s Christianity offend me. I think it is beautiful that she has that. It has made her one of the best people I’ve ever met. Rissy loves me for me. Rissy does not judge me. I do not offend Rissy when I’ll admit it, my words can be offensive to most. Rissy sees me as a mom, who lost a child, and from losing a child, she is trying to figure everything out again. What life looks like, once again. All while trying to make the world a better place for these kids who are dealing with cancer. I don’t write on here, every single thing I have going on, but it is a lot. It is a lot of good things that are already making a difference. I’m not going to waste my time, by sitting around and being sad and not doing anything. I am going to spend my time, being sad, but also being productive. I am sure there are so many people that just wish I would stop this blog and go back to a normal life where cancer never existed. Not happening. I’m not walking away from this. Do you know when this story will end? I will tell you. It will end like this:
“Maya Thompson did so much good in the world that Ronan was brought back to her, healthy and alive. They lived happily ever after. The End

That’s when the blog writing will stop. And I’ll say the same thing over and over again. You don’t like what I write on here, then don’t read it. That will not offend me at all. I have several friends who do this and it is fine by me. I cannot please everyone. I am not worried about pleasing everyone. This is about being Ronan’s mama still. This is the way I want to be his mama. G’nite monkey boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

;

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “I love my Bible reading, totally devote Christian, Rissy Roo

  1. Ali Barnes

    That’s the first time I’ve seen that photo…tears are trickling down my face. I just wish I could do more. I’m sorry, Maya. I wish I could bring him home to you.
    P.S. please never stop this blog…ever.

  2. Jennifer Benedict

    I am fucking stunned Maya! stunned and angry  that ANYONE read that post and was able to think or find anything offensive in what you wrote, you wrote what YOU lived, what you felt  how did they not get it? how did they not think, why didn’t someone tell her, why didn’t someone allow her every single precious moment before and after her baby left, I would want to know those things, I think  and I would also question what I would have done with that time, you were saying there are things you now know need to be done for mom’s going through a hell they can barely live through much less understand,  how dare some turn your nightmare, your grief into You bashing the Ryan House, I did not get that at all, I Got that at that time due to the  horror and severity of Ronan’s pain YOU were the only person who did not understand Ronan wouldn’t be leaving the Ryan House, That you were in a kind of shock that I can’t  even fathom and then you see all these horrible things happening to your baby but no one explains why or that it would be the end, and not the one you planned, that’s not fucking fair to any mom and that’s Fucking Cancers fault! What I took away from your post was not negative but positive, you seen and Now know what needs to be done for other Mom’s and already you are trying to make that happen because you know it needs to happen. From that post I know you live for the day that places like the Ryan house don’t have to exist for CHILDREN WITH CANCER because Cancer won’t exist but I also know you are very grateful to them for being there and for providing all they do for so many. We all need different things, different ways…..

    I’m sorry about the novel but have never gotten so angry before over those that pick at your every word, well this time, ENOUGH! shame on you any of you who thought Maya would ever bash The Ryan House, where have you been? Maya has done nothing but be very grateful to the Ryan House even while struggling within herself to live with that last night she spent there with her son if she’s upset her son did not get to go home where he wanted to be she’s allowed to be fucking upset,  if she wants to get upset that in her shock no one made sure she understood what was happening then allow her that, don’t judge her and don’t turn her words around and make them insulting.  She lost her child and your picking at her words during her most vulnerable time, shame on you for that and for judging a mom who lost her child only a year ago, her words are there good or bad for us all to see where I’m sure most of those that complained put their words in a private journal.  Sorry I wasn’t going to post this but after reading your post it made me angry all over again that people can sit back in their blessed lives and judge a mom just trying to live through losing her child, NOT AN EASY THING! I’m Christian and never once has Maya offended me, how can I be offered she lost her son,how can I ask her to NOT be angry with a God she at one time believed listened to her, how is she suppose to believe this right now? Give her space, give her time and most of all give her love!!!

  3. donnal91

    It will not take a life of do gooding to see Ronan again. It’s simple. Accept Christ as your Savior. You’ll then know in your heart Ronan is safe and loved, even more than you love him! He is well and waiting for you. God’s peace. You’re a hero. God gave Ronan you because of the amazing mom you are.

  4. Melissa

    I will read your blog until the end, love. You are brave and strong and beautiful. All things you could care less about being without Ronan by your side. I am sorry. So sorry. Blogs like this one always make me feel worried for you–to me you seem so disconnected and in soooo much pain, a heartbroken mama without a plan to kick cancers fucking ass, just totally and completley hurt, broken, lost. You didn’t even use “fuck” so I cry for you even more, to me this means things are really really bad. I am thinking of you and sending you so much love.

    I hope you never feel badly for writing anything, you are changing the world and you will change the face of childhood cancer. Last night, as I do frequently I checked colesfoundation.com, I am not sure why I torture myself, but it literally seems like every time I do there is another Stage IV NB baby relapsing–last night was no different. Spots in the brain. While your hard and amazing efforts will not save every baby Maya, and I would bet that this tortures your beautiful soul, you will get us there, you will be the change, you will be part of better treatment options, you will be part of the CURE.

    Thank you for always being completely honest with us here, for letting us into your shattered heart. Thank you Ro for Rita as well, what a gift she is.

  5. Jenn

    No doubt that sweet Ro loved you more than anything, you can’t fake that! I’m so happy you have these beautiful people in your life to help you keep doing what you are doing. You are amazing and you are making so much of a difference. You are the most amazing mother I’ve ever come across. Keep on trucking…make changes. I’m so thankful I came across your blog, YOU make me appreciate everything in my life so much more than I ever could. I’m sorry you have to suffer to make others realize that life is too short, but I hope you realize what so many of us take from your experience. Thank you for being so honest and so real, you are changing the world.

  6. joedige

    Maya, you break my heart. I don’t know why, but each time I read your blog, I put myself in your shoes for a terrifying moment, and I lose my breath! You see, I have a third child. He is my partner in crime and just so very special. My other two children love and adore him just as much as his Daddy and I do. When I read about the love you have for Ronan and the love he has for you, I let myself imagine that it is me and my “monkey-boy”…but then comes your reality of horror and devastating loss. It comes so quickly that for a split second I feel my heart breaking just thinking about the suffering, death, and absence of my Frankie. I know I can never feel what you are feeling, or understand the depths of the pain you suffer everyday…nor do I ever want to. That is why I admire you so much for being who you are. For being the bereaved Mama, who has been through the unthinkable, and chooses to fight for her life, her loss, her Ronan and for all the other babies and families suffering and who will be suffering in the future…doing it on your own terms and not apologizing for it.
    I don’t know how I would handle the loss of one of my babies, but I do know that I will want to do it just like Maya Thompson.
    I will scream it from the mountain tops with you everyday…FUCK YOU cancer!!!!
    Only love for you, Maya. And always Ro!

  7. Laura

    Thinking of your entire family with love and support. Hope you get some peace in California. When is your run?

  8. Katie

    The delight in Ronan’s eyes. How in love with you he was and is. It is funny how such a beautiful photo can just bring you to tears. You brought that boy so much joy. I can tell just from this photo alone. Everything you say about your relationship with him how he was you partner in crime and bestfriend shines through in this one moment that someone was lucky enough to catch. He is so fucking beautiful Maya!!!

  9. phaedralbh

    I love that photo of you and Ro… It’s so… Just… Beautiful. I also saw this quote in an email this morning and thought of you.

    “It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.”

    – Leonardo da Vinci, was a great Italian genius & polymath.

    Here’s to a better day… xoxo

  10. Katie

    ‘Rissy sees me as a mom, who lost a child, and from losing a child, she is trying to figure everything out again.’ I am a Christian and this is spot on. I’m so sorry Maya. That picture of you and Ro is beautiful.

  11. paula

    Awwwww….he’s so perfect. He knew you loved him so! I hope you never stop this blog. Its amazing…even though I cry for you and Ronan everytime I read it! But its amazing….just your words…never mind the fundraising you do….just your words are changing people. Maya….hindsight is 20/20 we always wish if we had known something we would have done something different….carrying that around will kill you. You did everything you could….most importantly you loved your little boy immensely. Love sometimes is enough. Think of kids who are abused by there parents. Those kids never know the love that Ronan knew from you. I wish people explained more to you when you were at the Ryan house. My guess is they assumed you knew and that they were just giving you space, idk. I am a nurse and I see these types of things happen all the time. Even when my father died recently, I saw it with the doctors, hospice….they don’t always know what a parent knows or doenst know. We assume every body gets it the way a doctor or nurse may get it. And then also They see it so much they have to detatch themselves from it emotionaly or they would want to shoot themselves. But trust me the cry at home, in the car, anywhere but work because they wouldn’t be able to do their jobs if they let emotions get in the way. Most important- you loved him to the moon and back and he felt that! This stupid fucking disease will have a cure someday and you and Ronan will have helped make it happen. You and Ronan will have helped save babies!

  12. Glenda

    Your honesty. Your lovestory. You tell it true and raw. Don’t ever change that for anyone!

    My fav picture. Love. Priceless.
    Thinking of you and Ro!!! Always RoLove!!!
    XO

  13. Kendra

    Maya, do you know “The Riddle Song”? There’s a line, “How can there be a story that has no end?” and later in the song it answers the question: “The story of I love you, it has no end.” I sing that to my son every night and he loves that line and reminds me all the time that love stories never end, and it always makes me think of you and Ronan.

  14. amourningmom

    I am with you – I will never be at peace with either of my sons being dead. I struggle with how to continue to be a mom to my 2 sons who are no longer with me. You are so inspiring how you really are making the world a better place while you continue to be Ronan’s mama. Thank you. Fuck you cancer!!

  15. Leona Lewco

    That picture speaks a million words of love and devotion. You are amazing, and I know that love is still presant….. I can feel it in your writing. It is the most soul touching thing I have ever experienced. It has changed my life.

    Please, dont ever stop. Even though this is for Ro……….you are helping the world by being honest and open.

    I love you Maya…Ro, always!

    FUCK CANCER~

  16. kazisharon

    I have seen that picture of Ronan and you before, and just like before, it made me cry. You can see the joy, love and most importantly, the sparkle in his eyes, as he looks over at you. You are the most amazing mom, Maya, and Ronan knew such incredible love and happiness having you as a Mom.
    I am so very sorry. I hope you never stop writing! You are doing wonderful things with your foundation but your writing has such a profound impact on anyone who reads it. Every time I read your post, it shakes things up for me, puts things into perspective. And I hope writing to Ronan helps you, even if it gives just a brief respite from the hurt and pain.
    I tracked your marathon and you are incredible! I know you made all of us proud and I know you made Ronan proud!!
    So much love to you, Maya…

  17. Rachel

    I know I’m late reading this, and I’m so sorry. I have spent days, literally days, glued to my computer screen unable to do anything except read your blog. I seem to have missed the opportunity to see this picture, it’s not working for me now 😦 I’m sure it was beautiful, all your pictures and videos have been. Much love xoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s