Ronan. I have 5000 words to say tonight, but nothing to actually say, because I have too much to say. Does that make sense? I just need to wrap my head around some things and sit with some things for a while. Today, I had a nice long chat with Rita. I do this a lot as she is really good about telling me if I am being insane or not insane. She tells me I am being insane, a lot. Today, she told me I was being insane. I said, “Ok. I get that. I will listen to you. I can work with that. I can try to fix that.” In the middle of our you are being insane talk, she also said to me, “You don’t sound so good. Are you o.k.?” Grrrr…. My cover was blown! How could she tell, that I had been sitting in my bed, sobbing? I put on my best I am totally fine normal voice. ESP. Not only does she have a professional singing voice, but she also has ESP as well. I’d better always stay her friend. You never know when those two things could come in very handy in life and just might save my butt. Tonight, when I talked to Rita, she did not think I was being insane. She listened to me cry instead over the story I told her. Tonight we had a good, long talk where I listened to her opinions and advice and verified that tonight I was not in a crazy/insane place. Tonight, I was in a place of hurt and sadness and rightfully so. She also maybe almost offered to buy me my machete. That is how much I think she hurts for me sometimes. And she really does not want to buy me a machete, but tonight she was totally down for it. That made me laugh. Yeah, I don’t really know what I would do without our little Rita. She gets it more than anybody, even though she says she does not. She gets me (most of the time) so that counts for something.
I don’t know where else I really want to go with this post. I took my first Ambien in over a week to calm my nerves/to help me sleep as I am so upset I know sleep would not be happening tonight. I had a hard day doing a lot of crying. I think Coronado Island is being run by all little boys who are 3,4,and 5. Nobody else seems to exist. I had a 3, almost 4, and a dead 5-year-old too, except he couldn’t be here to play. Such a shame. He would have had so much fun, jumping in the water, begging me to take him surfing, throwing rocks off of places they shouldn’t have been thrown. I know he would have had the best summer with me.
I have this picture tonight to post Ronan, of us. I know it’s blurry and not the best quality. I have stared at this picture for 2 days now. Don’t even look at me. Look at my little boy. This picture says everything. He loved me so much. He thought I was the funniest mama on the planet. He adored me. And he was so happy. I know every single thing that he was feeling at that moment, because I was feeling it too. I was asked about peace tonight. If I will ever come to peace with losing you. My answer was, “Yes. When I am dead.” As long as I am living on this earth, without you, I will never be at peace with that. I think I will be able to find little pieces here and there, but no, I will never be fully at peace, without you Ronan. Are there mother’s out there who are at peace with losing their child or children? I am sure that there are. I am happy for them. I will not be this way. Ever. I don’t care how much my heart changes or softens. None of that will take away this pain. I am ending this now. I’ve taken my stupid Ambien and now due to the fact that it looks like the picture of you, on my screen saver is coming alive and you are moving. I just spent the past 20 minutes, touching your face, watching you breathe, all while crying and telling you to get out of that computer screen and come back to me. Yeah, Rita… even I know that’s insane.
I am getting a text message from my very serious/hardcore Christian inter, Rissy. She loves me to pieces. She tells me all the time that I am the most beautiful soul she has ever encountered and she does this all by reading my blog, spending actual time with me and holding her bible close to her heart. She embraces the way we see differently on things, but we respect and love each other enough to never be offended by our differences. I listen openly to her. I support the mission trips she goes on. I love all of that for her, so very much. In no way, shape or form does Rissy’s Christianity offend me. I think it is beautiful that she has that. It has made her one of the best people I’ve ever met. Rissy loves me for me. Rissy does not judge me. I do not offend Rissy when I’ll admit it, my words can be offensive to most. Rissy sees me as a mom, who lost a child, and from losing a child, she is trying to figure everything out again. What life looks like, once again. All while trying to make the world a better place for these kids who are dealing with cancer. I don’t write on here, every single thing I have going on, but it is a lot. It is a lot of good things that are already making a difference. I’m not going to waste my time, by sitting around and being sad and not doing anything. I am going to spend my time, being sad, but also being productive. I am sure there are so many people that just wish I would stop this blog and go back to a normal life where cancer never existed. Not happening. I’m not walking away from this. Do you know when this story will end? I will tell you. It will end like this:
“Maya Thompson did so much good in the world that Ronan was brought back to her, healthy and alive. They lived happily ever after. The End
That’s when the blog writing will stop. And I’ll say the same thing over and over again. You don’t like what I write on here, then don’t read it. That will not offend me at all. I have several friends who do this and it is fine by me. I cannot please everyone. I am not worried about pleasing everyone. This is about being Ronan’s mama still. This is the way I want to be his mama. G’nite monkey boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.