Ronan. I cannot shake this funk. I have a few ideas as to why.
1) The maybe baby thing. I am honestly o.k. with it. Somebody asked me if we were going to try again. Well, we didn’t really try the first time and I don’t foresee us trying in the future. I will not be watching the calendar for when I ovulate. I can’t do it. It’s too much pressure. If this happens, I just want it to happen. I can’t handle the stress/worry/waiting/wondering/emotions that come along with the whole trying for a baby. I trust in you. If this is what is meant to happen, you will see to it that it does.
2) Fucking Easter is coming up. Fuck! Enough with these holidays! I think we all decided last year, in Coronado to ban Easter. If my memory serves me correctly, which it often does not anymore, we decide to ban Easter and celebrate “Feaster!” instead. I have no idea what this means but I am feeling the pressure to come up with a plan and come up with a plan, fast. For the sake of your brothers. I think we talked about how we will worship a chocolate easter bunny for the day. There will be no pastel clothing. No fancy clothes. No Jesus at all. Not that there ever was, so it won’t be that different, in that regard. I know the root of why I am having such an issue with this “holiday of pretend.” It is because it was the last holiday that you were here. I remember exactly what we were doing/where we were last year. I remember how I still not did think that you were going to die. I think everyone around us did, but of course, everyone hoped for a different outcome. I remember how happy you were but now I know you were in such extreme pain. You had to have been although your smile would have said otherwise.
3) I’m still fucking bloody exhausted. I think my body is having an allergic physical reaction to you being gone. Is that possible? I think that it is. I think that I am having it. I am trying my hardest to push my way through this. I don’t have a choice.
4) This whole 1 year thing is harder than I thought it was going to be. It’s distracting me from everything that I am trying to do/get done. Every single fiber in my body is missing you to the extreme. I can usually control my sadness, Ro. I can usually feel it, deal with it, embrace it, and it sometimes it does not feel so heavy. This has not been the case for the past week. This sadness that I am feeling, is so heavy that I feel like every step/breathe I take, is weighed down by 100 elephants. Everything that normally works for me, is not working at all. I am borderline scared.
Today, I was productive or as productive as I could be. I did some foundation things. I had a little lunch with two of the loveliest souls. I felt lucky to have them helping me. So lucky, Ronan. I am still amazed how due to your story, the most amazing people have trickled into my life, wanting to help and be a part of this change. I am very blessed in that regard. I came home after lunch and I swear to you, my bed was a magnetic force field that I could not fight. I crawled in it. I crawled into it and I felt like I was going to drown in tears/sadness and pain. I had to tell myself I could have 20 minutes of laying down. After 20 minutes, I yelled at myself in my head. Get up now. You cannot do this. You cannot stay in bed for the rest of the day. I made myself get up, out of bed, and back to our little mountain I went. I ran up it as fast as I could. I made myself almost throw up. I ran down it even faster so I would not be late to pick up your brothers from school. It was hot and the mountain was empty once again. Just the way I like it.
I picked up your brothers and we went to Rita’s Italian Ice place with some friends for an impromptu play date. I love things like that and I love the friends we went with. Your brothers giggles and smiles almost helped with my sadness. I ran into a mom I know. A mom that I don’t know all that well, but I always love seeing her. She has the kindest eyes and has a way about making me feel like even though she has no idea how I feel/what I am going through, she kind of does. I guess it’s because I can see the way she loves her twin boys so much. The same way that I love you and your brothers and I can tell she is a really good mom. I appreciate that so much.
I came home, helped your brothers with their homework, cooked dinner and that was all I could do. I slipped into bed, early. Not really sleeping, but tossing and turning. My sleep is all out of whack again. Go figure. Tomorrow, I have a day planned with Dr. JoRo. I obviously need it badly. I am hoping it will help with whatever is going on. I cannot take much more of this tiredness/fog/fatigue that I cannot get out of. WTF. It’s getting old.
That’s all for tonight, little one. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.