Short and Sweet




Ro baby. Hi little man. I’m so tired. But not. I’m back to that again tonight…. and last night. I just didn’t sleep well. Having a hard time unwinding. Guess it’s because I haven’t been crying the past couple of days. Too many distractions. Seems like I go from one extreme to the other. I’ve been busy. Going, going, going. Distracting. Avoiding. Too busy to stop. I spent the day at the Garage with Miss Katie. Lots to do. Good, healthy distractions……. or so they say.

Why do I have to live without you? I don’t know. Do you know how hard it is to live this life, with so many unanswered questions relating to your death? It is a life full of a constant state of disillusion, betrayal, and emptiness. Always wondering why. What is the reason for this, because there has to be a reason for such tragedy, right? Or maybe not. Maybe there is no reason at all. It just is. Whatever it may be, it still leaves me with questions swirling around in my head all day long. All night long. Your Daddy is gone. At some concert. The boys are asleep. It’s just me. If you were here, I know you would be laying next to me and I would be watching you sleep. Or I would be nuzzling in your neck, kissing you in my favorite spot. The spot right on the side of your next, below your little ear where I used to tell you I was getting my sugar from. Remember how you used to tell me who much you loved me? Or how you used to say, “Mama, you’re so cute,” in your squeaky little voice. I’d always say, “Thank you, but you’re cuter.” And we would go back and forth like that for what seemed like hours. Or our wrestle monkey time. You’d say, “Mama, take me to China! ” which meant wrestle me to the ground and I we would spend hours giggling and playing monkey wrestle time. You were so strong. Remember how you used to love to ride on my back, like a horse? I loved that so much. Your Daddy reminded me this morning, how every time we would wake you up in the mornings, how you would pop right up, so excited to start the day. You were always so cheery and happy. You never had a moment of being too sleepy, that you needed a few minutes to wake up. It was always, ” Morning!!” And how you would march right out of your room to wake up your brothers, with the biggest smile on your face. Were you real? Did those things really happen and now I can’t have them anymore? It is too painful to be true, Ro. I can’t believe I don’t get to have you, forever. I’m sorry. So, so, sorry, Ro. I miss you so much. This post is going to be short and sweet tonight. I’m too sad to write. It’s late. I’ve got to try to get some sleep. Love you monkey man. Miss you so much. I hope you are safe.




7 responses to “Short and Sweet”

  1. As always your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers. I know it has been rough lately. I am here for you . Our son’s fourteenth anniversary is one day after Ronan’s six month anniversary. I send all our love to you all.

  2. Thinking of you Maya and tour beautiful blue eyed spicy monkey!!! xxoo

  3. I’m sorry Maya, I hope you have a decent day today, much love to you as always, xo

  4. Maya, I can’t imagine your world. So quiet and loud at the same time…still and crazy…normal and horribly abnormal. There is this giant hole you all have to step around all of the time. I pray for you and your family every night. I prayed for you to find MISS because I knew how it had kept my friend out of those horrible darks depths that can swallow you whole. I wish I had words that could offer any comfort. I know what I believe but…that won’t help. Know that Ronan is a part of my daily life now. This little boy, that I have never met, has become a part of the choices I make in this life. A piece of him is alive in each one of us. He is safe in me. I will do him justice and make him proud.

  5. Sending you peace and hugs. Hope you got some sleep. I often wonder if our son (who died at 6 weeks) was just a dream. He was so perfect. And now he is just gone. And I am here.

    I am not trying to compare Sawyer to Ronan. So please forgive me if it sounds like that at all. I know that in grief (especially the death of your child) there are no winners – we all have lost.

    I wish I had magic words. I keep searching for them. Take care of yourself.

  6. WOW!! I dont know how I found your blog, but it has deeply touched me. I can feel your pain so much and you and your family are in my prayers!! You will see your little Ronan one day, even though I know it is no comfort for right now. Read Heaven is for Real, if you ever feel up to it!! Lots of hugs!!!!

  7. Oh Maya, I don’t know that I have ever read something that so clearly described sadness as that post. I’m so sorry. I hope Ronan visits you in your dreams. How lucky he was to have such a wonderful loving mama.

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