Ro baby. Hi little man. I’m so tired. But not. I’m back to that again tonight…. and last night. I just didn’t sleep well. Having a hard time unwinding. Guess it’s because I haven’t been crying the past couple of days. Too many distractions. Seems like I go from one extreme to the other. I’ve been busy. Going, going, going. Distracting. Avoiding. Too busy to stop. I spent the day at the Garage with Miss Katie. Lots to do. Good, healthy distractions……. or so they say.
Why do I have to live without you? I don’t know. Do you know how hard it is to live this life, with so many unanswered questions relating to your death? It is a life full of a constant state of disillusion, betrayal, and emptiness. Always wondering why. What is the reason for this, because there has to be a reason for such tragedy, right? Or maybe not. Maybe there is no reason at all. It just is. Whatever it may be, it still leaves me with questions swirling around in my head all day long. All night long. Your Daddy is gone. At some concert. The boys are asleep. It’s just me. If you were here, I know you would be laying next to me and I would be watching you sleep. Or I would be nuzzling in your neck, kissing you in my favorite spot. The spot right on the side of your next, below your little ear where I used to tell you I was getting my sugar from. Remember how you used to tell me who much you loved me? Or how you used to say, “Mama, you’re so cute,” in your squeaky little voice. I’d always say, “Thank you, but you’re cuter.” And we would go back and forth like that for what seemed like hours. Or our wrestle monkey time. You’d say, “Mama, take me to China! ” which meant wrestle me to the ground and I we would spend hours giggling and playing monkey wrestle time. You were so strong. Remember how you used to love to ride on my back, like a horse? I loved that so much. Your Daddy reminded me this morning, how every time we would wake you up in the mornings, how you would pop right up, so excited to start the day. You were always so cheery and happy. You never had a moment of being too sleepy, that you needed a few minutes to wake up. It was always, ” Morning!!” And how you would march right out of your room to wake up your brothers, with the biggest smile on your face. Were you real? Did those things really happen and now I can’t have them anymore? It is too painful to be true, Ro. I can’t believe I don’t get to have you, forever. I’m sorry. So, so, sorry, Ro. I miss you so much. This post is going to be short and sweet tonight. I’m too sad to write. It’s late. I’ve got to try to get some sleep. Love you monkey man. Miss you so much. I hope you are safe.