Hi. Sorry nobody needs to worry about the crazy post last night. I’m fine. The sadness of Ronan just consumes me sometimes and it gets worse during times that I cannot sleep and all I can do is walk around the house and cry. I am fine. Was just venting. I just miss him and my heart is broken in million pieces.
I love my family. I am thankful to have them. I will not be letting anyone down. I know what my job/purpose is. I’m not a selfish person. I would never leave my family. I am a giver. I will stay here, and give them everything I have until I am 100 years old. I will take care of my boys, because it is what I do best and they deserve the best of everything. But you all have to understand….. I have not had any time, to truly grieve about Ronan. I cannot heal without doing this because of the responsibilities that consume my life. It hurts not to be able to fully let go and give in to my pain where all I want to do is cry/scream/vent for days. Instead, I have to put on this face of happiness, love, and support for everyone around me as I cannot expose my babies to what I am truly feeling. For them to know my true pain, is not something they deserve to see. I struggle with this because my body/soul/ and mind, needs a break from my days of pouring all the love I have into them 24/7. I don’t know how to balance any of this. So I push myself to overcompensate. I laugh with them, I nurture them, I play with them, I love them all day long, I tell them over and over how much they mean to me, I tell them how proud I am of them, I smile for them, I play football with them, I cheer the loudest at their basketball games….. This leaves little time for me to truly feel the way I am feeling because I have to remember that those 2 little boys do not deserve to see their mommy hurting the way I am. So when I need to feel what I feel, I write. I forget that I am writing to all of you, and you worry. I expect that you all know me so well now, that you know when I just need to be sad/scream/vent and I expect you to understand that for as much as my words hurt… I will be o.k. Because you know how much I love my boys and my husband. You know I would never leave them here to get through this without me. I am strong. I am their rock and I am thankful that they need me so much as I don’t know how I would function without them depending on me so much.
Sorry to have freaked you out but I had some things I needed to scream about last night. No need to text my Woo. I was just being honest. Maybe that was not the best idea to put it out there, but I did. I write what I feel and last night, after not being able to sleep and crying for hours, that is what it was.
I’m not apologize for being too real at times. I will not be killing myself, ever, but sometimes the pain is overwhelming. For all of you that TRULY know me, I trust that you know I will be o.k. I am thankful that you know me, trust me, and know that this is just part of the process. I’m not going to quiet my voice, I’m not going to stop being true to what I need to feel, write, etc….. Maybe people will start listening and stop taking everything for granted in their lives, because of me and Ro. Maybe people will actually start to make a difference in this world because of Ronan’s beautiful face and my raw and real words. Maybe Childhood Cancer will finally get the attention it deserves. Maybe some Billionaire will decided to throw a ton of money into research so someday, Neuroblastoma will become as curable as Childhood Leukemia.
And P.S. I had to apologize…. not because I feel like I owe anybody reading this anything, but because my husband was getting a mass of texts in regards to my post last night. So, I’m sorry to him. AND HIM ONLY. For making him worry. I’m not sorry for my honesty. I will never be sorry for that. I will never apologize for writing what I feel. Writing what most people would not. I’m not scared of this world. I’m not scared to put this out there. The truth will set you free. I’m not going to live my life, hiding from what I feel, and not sharing it with the world. Everyone should know what this pain feels like. I know you will appreciate your life more because of this. You are all worth it. Your kids are all worth it.
Ronan was my everything.
Love you all. Sorry for scaring you. But I told you I was going to be honest.