Ronan. I cannot even believe this picture below is real. Were you really mine? How could something so beautiful, like you, have been real? And now you are gone? I don’t understand any of this. This picture makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to be with you. Nothing else matters. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being so sad. I’m tired of this pain. I’m tired of pretending that I have o.k. days, because it is all a lie. There has never been a day that has been o.k. since you left. The days are empty. Black. Sad. Lonely. Exhausting. Boring. Pointless. Bleak. What is the point? Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is worth my happiness anymore. I killed you? I didn’t do enough. I should have taken you to Sloan or Chop from the beginning. Would you still be here, fighting with me? Because it was just you and me, against the world and guess what? I failed you. I let you down. I didn’t protect you like I promised I would. I didn’t make you better. I didn’t tell you enough before you died. Did you know you were dying those last few days? Those last few days that you stopped being able to communicate with me. The last few days when you told me to stop giving you sleepy medicine. Did you think I was killing you by keeping you so sedated? What was going though your little mind? That your mommy was putting you to sleep. Did you think you would wake back up, like you always did, or did you know that your life was ending? I know I laid with you and whispered those words to you….”Come on baby, it’s time to go away. Let’s get out of this place. Come with me.” Did you think I was coming with you but I lied and now you are all alone? Are you mad at me for not being with you. For not taking care of you anymore? Are you waiting for me to join you so we can be together again like I promised? How am I expected to stay here? Are you waiting for me to come and take care of you? It’s selfish of me to go on living without you. I don’t want to. I know I’m supposed to continue to fight for you and all these other kids, but what if you really don’t want me to? What if you just want me to be with you? Will you forgive me for staying here? Will you forgive me for trying to go on with this awful life that I want nothing to do with? Will you forgive me for the smile I smile every once in a while? Do you know why I have to stay, as much as I don’t want to? You know it is for your brothers, right? Because I know how much you loved them and I cannot ruin their lives by leaving them. I cannot destroy your Daddy by leaving him with all of this alone. I cannot break anymore hearts. My heart may never heal Ronan. I know that. I can learn to live with this pain because taking my own life, like I think about everyday, would just be too cruel to the people I love the most. You would not want that. I know you want me to be o.k. But how can I survive this? How am I expected to survive this? Look at yourself, Ronan. You were the essence of beauty on the inside and out. You were the most perfect thing, I had ever created. What lesson am I supposed to learn by having you taken away? I knew how lucky I was to have you. I wrote about you all the time. How waking up to you every morning, was like waking up to Christmas everyday. I don’t know what to do without you. Everybody wants something. I don’t want to play the good mommy/wife role anymore. I want to go away. I want to take my time to truly give into the pain I feel from losing you everyday. Alone. I want time to grieve for you. I don’t want to be so busy with 50 things so I don’t have to sit and really absorb how bad this hurts. I want to feel this, as deeply as possible so I can connect with you again. I can’t feel you around me, because I am so caught up in fighting this fight and I think I may have taken all of this on too soon. No matter how badly I push myself to physically hurt, I can’t. My entire body hurts 24/7 from you being gone. And where are you? I am certain, you are not with GOD. I don’t want you to be with GOD. I want you to be with me because I am the only one who loved you enough to take care of you in the way that I did. Nobody loved you more than I did, Ronan. That is a fact. People can say that they loved you so much…. but it doesn’t hold a candle to the way I loved you and you loved me. You know the look you gave me, after you were first placed in my arms after being born. I saw the way your eyes sparkled only at me and the way your little mouth curled up into a smile, minutes after being born. We had an instant secret. As if you had been waiting for me for such a very long time and I for you. It was our secret club that nobody else knew about.
I can’t stop thinking about your last few hours of your life. It consumes me. I curled up beside you. You were becoming so cold. I was so peaceful and looking back, I don’t know why. How could I have been so peaceful, watching you die? How did I bathe you and redress you after you died. I scrubbed you little body, while your lips turned blue and your body stiffened. I dressed you in your favorite pajamas and Star Wars shirt while remaining so calm. How could your heart, just stopped beating, just like that? So simply. So easily?
What did you see when you died? Did you see my face? Did you feel me kissing your lips, fingers, and toes before you passed away? Did you know how much I loved you? Do you know how I would trade my life in a heartbeat for yours? Do you know how cruel it is that I am left behind and you are gone? I don’t care what anybody says. And if another person tries to compare losing you to losing their 90-year-old grandmother, I am going to fucking lose it. Shut the fuck up. A 90-year-old grandparent should die. Not a 3-year-old baby. A parent should not outlive their child. Ever.
My life will never be the same without you. And I don’t want it to be. I will continue on until I can take no more. How could any parent, with a child as beautiful as you, want to go on? Call me selfish, I don’t care. I have every right to be. You are my baby. My perfect baby. And now I have to sit back and live this bullshit of a life surround by ignorant people who don’t care about anything of importance. I have to go on and turn on the news to see that the story of the day is that some Goddamn Opossum died or that a man got his leg bitten off by a shark because he made a choice to swim in shark infested waters when he was warned not to. It makes me sick to turn on the T.V. and see those stupid Kardashion sisters and watch as Kim goes into hysteria over losing a 70,ooo dollar diamond earring. Fuck you, Kim Kardashion. Try fighting for you babies life, watching him die. Go take your 70,000 dollar diamond earring and shove it up your bleached asshole. But this is what our world is consumed with and I have to control my goddamn anger every day because I know what real tears mean. But nobody cares. I guarantee, if Kim Kardashion saw your picture and knew what the fuck it meant to feel real pain, she would feel like such an asshole. Or maybe not. She probably completly lacks any self awareness. I hope she is happy, knowing that the bullshit wedding of her dreams, could have helped to save so many babies by the power of her stupid voice that America is obsessed with. Fuck the bullshit of the priorities of this society.
Ronan. I’m pissed tonight. Because of that picture below and because that beautiful body of yours in now in an Urn on my dresser. I now longer get to kiss you lips, but you cold Urn instead. None of this was your fault but you suffered and lost your life anyway. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry if you were scared. I’m sorry if I let you down. I hope you don’t think I killed you. I hope you don’t think I didn’t do enough to save you. I hope you forgive me. I will NEVER forgive myself. If I would have made the right choices you would still be here. And FUCK all the Medical World for making parents like us, navigate our way though this by ourselves. And FUCK THEM for saying over and over to us that “No matter what choice you make, it will be the right one.” FUCKING LIARS. If that were true, my son would still be here. You have a lot of making up to do, Doctors/Scientists/Researchers of the world. Please do me a favor and get your shit together. No mother should have to bathe and redress her dead child’s body. No mother should have to wear her child’s ashes around her neck. FUCK YOU FOR FAILING US.