Las Vegas, Chicago, and Palm Springs


Ronan. I’m still here despite my silence. It’s only been a few days since I’ve written, but it feels like a lifetime. A lot has happened, even though it really has not. Let me try to retrace my steps these past few days. Your Daddy ended up going to Vegas. It was a quick trip and I am glad he ended up going. He needed to. He deserved to. He needed to blow off some steam and spend some time with the boys doing boy things. Liam and Quinn left for Chicago with Mimi and Papa. They are still there. They went to the ASU game last night. It sounds like they have been having a great time.

While your Daddy and brothers were gone, I stayed home alone for the first time. I had people checking in on me, friends who were worried and said they didn’t like it….. that I should call my girlfriends to come and stay over. I didn’t listen. I wanted to see if I could do it. If I could handle being in our house, all by myself. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I made it though. The visions of blowing my brains out didn’t even crawl into my head like they usually do. I had a quiet night at home, crawled into bed, did a few things on the computer, and tossed and turned all night. I walked around the house a lot. Looked outside, expecting to find you. I didn’t. I made it though the Silent Night without you. FUCK. That song. I used to sing it to you ALL the time. I never sang it to Liam and Quinn. Always to you. It is what I would sing, hum, whisper to you when I was rocking you to sleep. I never knew what a silent night it would really end up being. That song creeps me out now. I hate it. Why that song? Is it because I knew that one day, I would be without you, alone in our house, and I would have to survive the fucking silent night? I had to survive the night without you. I had to do it alone. I hated every second of it.

Your Daddy came home from Vegas and as soon as he walked in the door, we hopped in the car and headed to Palm Springs. It was a last minute trip and we knew we should take advantage of your brothers being gone, so we decided to drive out to Palm Springs to see Laura and Kasey. It was either that or stay in Phoenix and get caught up in our everyday stuff. We both knew we needed to get out of town, to see some dear friends, to spend some time together, just the two of us. I have forgotten what it is like to be with your Daddy, just the two of us. To be honest, I was nervous about spending this time with him. You know how closed off I am to everyone and everything. Guess what I found on this trip though?? I found one of my best friends again. Your Daddy. I remembered. I remembered why I fell in love with him 13 years ago. I remembered why I married him. I remembered why I love the feeling of holding his hand. I remembered how I love to see him smile. I remembered how I used to love to smile for him. I remember how much I love how he towers over me and makes me feel so tiny, even though I am tall. I remembered all of that and it felt nice. It all felt really nice, but it made me miss you even more. This guilt/grief thing really messes with ones mind. Anytime I felt a tinge of happiness, I would feel a rush of guilt wash over me. As if I was betraying you. I tried to talk myself out of these feelings, but it was impossible. I’m just going to continue to do what I’ve been doing, which is to nurture the feelings I am having and not try to change them. I have to embrace them and right now, and guilt is a big part of what I feel. I feel guilty for many things, but most of all for being here and living this life without you. It seems so unfair. You were supposed to be here, living this life with us. You were supposed to live to be a hundred, not only almost 4. Just shows you how little control we have of this thing called life. Absolutely none. I said this to your Daddy tonight. I don’t know how our conversation started, but it ended up with me yelling something like, “So what! We did everything right in our lives. EVERYTHING! And look what happened to us!” Just goes to show you, there are no guarantees in life, no matter how hard you work, how much you love, how you think you make all the right choices….. It can all be taken away in an instant and then what? You are left blind-sighted, trapped in this life, wishing for death everyday. But good thing you worked so hard to make the perfect plan.

Palm Springs was a good break. It was pretty low key. We spent some time with Laura and Kasey. I got to see your little friend, Cameron. She misses you. It was harder than I thought it was going to be, being around her. I spent a lot of Friday night, at Laura and Kasey’s house, just crying. I sat with Cameron and painted her little 3 year old fingernails and toe nails. As I was in the middle of this, she looked up at me and goes, “Maya, why did Ronan die in the hospital?” Oh, baby. I didn’t even know how to answer her. I couldn’t think of anything remotely acceptable to respond as an answer to her. So I didn’t. I just choked back my tears instead. Laura soon put Cameron to bed. I went to snuggle with her and we talked and I rubbed her back. I sang her our “Twinkle, Twinkle, LIttle Star,” as I played with her little fingers that reminded me so much of yours. You both have the same big hands and long fingers. I cried as I snuggled with her. Sweet, sweet, girl. She talks about you a lot and thinks about you a lot. She misses you and told Laura she wishes you were back with us. That’s a big thing to come out of a 3 year olds mouth. She loves you. I remember how much you loved her too. I’ll never forget your Tu Tu party with her, your first summer at the beach together, how you discovered your love of pickles together. Laura and I would talk about how you would grow into adults and get married. It was the perfect plan until it wasn’t. Until is was no more. No more planning your days, months, years, or life.

How quickly everything changes. What an awful change.

It was good to spend some time with our friends. I tried my best to keep it together and to smile and laugh along with my tears. The endless tears that just flow whenever, wherever. I have no control. I don’t need to. You are worth every one of them. The endless tears that I know I will cry for the rest of my life, Ro. I miss you.

My melatonin is starting to kick in. I’m tired, baby. I hate that I have to go to sleep now, without kissing you goodnight. Do all of you mommies out there, who have your babies, know how lucky you are?? For the first time in my life, I know the feeling of being jealous. A feeling I have never experienced in my life, but now I do, after losing Ro. It is a very sad thing to feel. It stings and it’s ugly. But I feel it, and I’m not going to deny it. I hope one day I won’t, but as of now I do. I refuse to let it make me an ugly person. Jealousy can turn the most beautiful people, into the most ugly. I will deal with it, let it fuel my fire for this fucked up disease of Childhood Cancer, that everybody just wants to ignore. Here’s what I have to say to anyone who reads what I write, but chooses to look the other way. Childhood Cancer can happen to ANYONE. Infants, toddlers, children, teen-agers, adolescents…. ANYONE. If you read about Ronan, if you are now aware of his story and you choose to do nothing…. I feel sorry for you. Truly sorry. I pray that the day never comes, that somebody you know, whether it be your child, niece, nephew, grandchild, best friends child, etc…… GOD FORBID, ends up getting cancer. You will feel like such an Asshole, knowing that you knew about Ro, but continued to live your blissfully happy life. If you are reading this blog, it is for a REASON. Do something with that reason. Help be a change. Be aware. Be proactive. Stop sitting on your ass and living in a bubble. If there ever comes a day, that your bubble bursts and you had your wake up call but didn’t take it…… Well that just sucks. I don’t care if the only way you change your life, is by just being more thankful….. At least that is something and it has come from the beauty of my son. I refuse to let him die in vain. I WILL NOT LET HIM DIE IN VAIN. This is my promise to him and the world. A change is coming. A change for the better, because life without one is absolutely pathetic and disgusting.

That’s my political attempt for the night, with my eyes half closed and heart ALWAYS heavy. Miss you, my baby doll. So much more to say, but words are failing me. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Night baby.

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22 thoughts on “Las Vegas, Chicago, and Palm Springs

  1. Glenda

    Maya

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!
    So happy you got away with Woody alone! You guys so deserve that!
    You are amazing. I bet it was so hard to be home alone but you did it. Ronan was right there beside you. Making you stronger and guiding you.
    I’ve been voting every day for you on momination. I want you to win do bad. For you! To honor Ronan. For Super Nate.
    Hope you have sweet dreams with your beautiful blue eyed baby boy. To the moon and back. Hope Liam and Quinn are enjoying their time in Chicago.
    Sweet dreams mama bear!
    Peace and strength
    XO

  2. Rockstar Minion

    Hi Maya!
    I need some help, I don’t want to be an asshole……I need some direction from you. Where would the best place to start be? Donate to Ronan Foundation? Volunteer @ PCH? Is there a list of “stuff” you wish you had …that I could compile “new family packages”? I tell your story all the time, but I don’t want it to be another story I tell…..do YOU need volunteers for your foundation? Should I be on the phone asking for donations? I want to DO SOMETHING, I just don’t know where to start or what would be most appreciated & needed….
    hugs, BIG ONES!

      1. Melissa Vendt

        I will be watching for this as well, Maya. While I truly treasure each day and the health of my babies, family, & friends…your post struck a chord in me, I know I am not “doing” anything to obliterate this monster. What an asshole. You are right, I can not simply follow your journey and do nothing….but then what? Crying with you as I read each post and feeling even more grateful..well that doesn’t keep my loved ones safe? It doesn’t ensure that my children and grandchildren will be kept safe. What can I do? Such a moron here–I honestly don’t even know where to start? What should/could I do that would help to fight childhood cancer?

      2. Kerrie

        Im with Minion- We are all ready and willing- I actually have called All Childrens Hospital in my area (clearwater, FL) to volunteer, I will also be donating every month to the Ronan Thompson Foundation.

        Maya- Tomm night Im going to the Foster The People concert In Orlando Florida. I will be thinking of you and Ro 😉

  3. Amy

    I was going to ask the same thing, what can I do to help?? Your story has made me a better person, and a better mommy!! But I want to do something more concrete, a list would be very helpful, thank you.

  4. Allison

    My boss came to me and said “we got a package from corporate. I think it’s another stupid charity thing. Look at it. Do it if you want. Chuck it if you don’t.”

    Inside the box were all the fixings to run a month long pumpkin pin-up promotion. To benefit St. Jude’s hospital.

    The poster child is a six-year-old boy, in a pirate costume. Her caption simply reads “neuroblastoma”.

    I told my boss that not only was I going to run the promotion. But that I was going to see to it that it was the highest charitable donation we’ve ever done.

    Because you’re right. Before reading your blog, I didn’t know. I didn’t know how many children were diagnosed. I didn’t know what it did to families. No one teaches us that. Not in school. Not in parenting classes. Not the pediatricians doing my baby-doll’s check ups.

    You taught me that.

    And I want to teach others. I am going to teach my staff. And I am going to teach every customer who walks in our front door. It may not be much, but I am going to make sure that the people in my little corner of the world understand.

    Thank you for teaching me. So that I can help to spread the word.

    Stay strong. We’re all pulling for you.

  5. Rockn Robin

    Great. I’ll look for the list as well. I bought the bracelets and will wear them in support. But if there is something else I can do to help, I’m on it! Xoxo Maya! You are amazing!!!!

  6. Jill

    I think the important thing is…just because our babies are (or at least seem) healthy doesn’t mean they won’t or CAN’T still get cancer! So many of the parent’s stories I have been following of these kids with cancer had NO clue because their child seemed and acted healthy! I am now aware and more persistent on things when I feel something is not right with one of my kids. I have never been one to turn my cheek when being asked to donate to something of this nature but I sure am stepping it up now that I am more aware! Thank you Maya for making me aware and I’m so sorry Ronan had to be the one cancer picked on! I’m so sorry any one has to be picked by cancer! I will continue to do what I can to help make a difference because I know that neither I nor my loved ones are exempt from this happening to us!

  7. Desiree

    With tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach after reading your post, I too want to know what more I can do…. A lot of us have been saying we will be part of “Maya’s Mafia” but we simply don’t know where to start.

    My neighbor is a child oncologist, a caring/amazing man, and when I asked him recently how he does it, how does he go to work every day, especially with cases like Ronan’s w/Neuroblastoma… even he seemed surprised that I knew about Neuroblastoma. Then he was nearly speechless and didn’t have much of a response… I can’t even remember now what he said b/c I was surprised at his non-answer regarding Neuroblastoma. I think he said something like “Most childhood cancers are treatable, so I haven’t seen many cases like Ronan’s…” I nearly cried standing there, hearing those words. Another reminder that b/c Neuroblastoma cases are more rare, they are always going to remain on the back-burner, while children die? I realize now, that perhaps he is my first step. He is my first resource, I can reach out to him to see if he can help get the word out, materials, information, whatever to families who may need it. Anything Maya, you just let us know!

    I’m so glad you had some time w/Woody to reconnect…. Your words about finding your best friend again also made me teary-eyed…. You 2 are amazing and beautiful. I’m so so so sorry this has happened to you and your family.

    Love & prayers, every day.
    Desiree

  8. Cheryl

    I have to say that I am just plain angry and sick with all of the pink washing up on the shores of every magazine, commercial and billboard I see. I really don’t like it. My daughter has leukemia and we endured the worst year of our lives. I also endured a horrific fatal car crash that nearly took the life of my older daughter. She was nearly decapitated and I hit a tree going 65 MPH. It shut a highway down for 5 hours. I know what it is like to die in an instant and to watch kids wither from cancer. I just came home from clinic (my daughter is still in treatment for one more year) and kids are dying here in CT. I wish the kids got as much play and airtime as the women. I would have given my breasts and my life not to watch her go through every horrific side effect to these toxic drugs. I urge you to take a look at CUTPOISONBURN.com. This cancer industry is making us all sick and it is NOT helping find cures and ave lives, especially the precious lives of kids that get dealt a bad hand. This is a journey about money…big pharma money and it uses our children. They get no airtime, no big hollywood hoopla, no sport stars wearing their color….GOLD! We are not near where we should be. I am pissed…….The Maya way! Keep going and make changes Maya. You rock!

  9. Stefanie

    I am more than willing to help as well:-) I cannot think of anything more important to spend my time/money helping with than something to do with your Ronan. Look forward to your list or info to come. In the meantime I will do whatever I can think of!

  10. Toni

    I will be here to help, spead the word, tell everyone I know about Ronan – whatever it takes! We all love you Maya and are ready to help. F U Cancer!!!!!!

  11. Jaime H.

    Look forward to your list coming out! Aside from donating time and money and a lot of prayer, it will be nice to hear what is important to you as far as helping goes. Love and hugs to you Maya! Glad you and Woody got some time away. God bless you guys, pray for you often, xoxoxo

  12. Kristi Smart

    I don’t know how to even begin…I found you by accident just a week ago, I shared you, your beautiful son and your pain with my 17 year old daughter and cannot tell you what an impact you have had on our lives. WE WANT TO HELP! I like a hundred others here, we don’t know where to start, but I am a Momma, a proud and ever so grateful Momma and I want to help.
    My baby girl wants to help, after showing her your “How to live like a RockStar”, she dove into your blog, then next day from her 2nd period class she emailed me at work and said this “So I’ve been reading Ronan’s Rockstar blog all morning and I can now officially say I have ruined today’s makeup. We need to do something. Buy the t shirts her friend made with the Thoreau quote, find his bracelets, write letters. I went to the white house website and signed the childhood cancer research petition. have you signed it? if not I’ll send you the link. I love you. I hope you’re having a good morning. I want to help. Her pain hurts me. this is totally something we can do to make our lives worthwhile for us and for someone else. I love with with my whole heart mama and I could not imagine life without you. You are incredible in every single way”, her name is Jenna. And I will share her with you, she is amazing.

    We want shirts and bracelets and your story plastered on the lips of every person that will listen. We want to hug you and make you coffee and muffins and have you walk on the beach in California with us and cry and laugh and I know it all sounds crazy but somehow you have made this impact and we want to carry some of your pain. I’d carry it all for a time if it would bring you just a moments peace.
    Please tell us what to do, we are Ronan’s Minons! And we here standing tall and ready to work and to fight…..

    Kristi & Jenna
    Santa Barbara CA

  13. Isabelle Geers

    Maya, I think of you constantly, and you have changed my life forever. I am coming up with ideas to spread CC awareness. Like, next Sep. at school, on the announcements I can ask for them to say something about it being CC Awareness month. I will try to donate some money to Ronan’s Foundation. I’m sorry, but as I am just a kid, I can’t really do anything huge, but I have donated twenty inches of hair, if that counts for something. Please say it does. I don’t have much time, but you’ll be in my prayers always. Love you!

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