Goodbye summer 2011

Ronan. It’s late. It’s late and I am so tired. So tired, but I cannot sleep. I am trying tonight to sleep without my fucking Ambien. I think that drug is the devil. I think it’s making my mind go crazy. I don’t want to take it. All I want is to fall asleep, without the aid of any medication. I want to stay asleep for at least a solid five hours. I want peace while I sleep. That Ambien makes my nights too dark, and my days too sluggish. It’s effecting my short term memory…. I think. Ha. That was a joke. But not really, because it is. I cannot remember the simplest of things anymore. Dates easily slip my mind and I feel foggy. It’s apparent that I am going to have to take this stupid pill tonight to get to sleep. I’ve been trying to sleep for 3 hours now and it’s just not going to happen. To live in a world where even going to sleep is exhausting. A true prison indeed.

Ro. I started that last night. During my witching hours that I cannot escape. Yesterday was full of doing things as a family. My hands shake just trying to write about it. We swam, went to the Diamondbacks game for a bit, Liam and Quinn stayed the night with Mimi and Papa. Your daddy and I spent some time together. I have always had a hard time sleeping when the three of you would to together for a sleepover at Mimi and Papa’s, but last night was pure torture. Not having your brothers here to check on made me so sad. They needed the time with Mimi and Papa though, and vise versa.

Today was spent getting Liam and Quinn ready for school. Tomorrow is the big day. Liam is excited and Quinn is nervous. I am laying right next to him as I write, and I have been trying to ease his mind about things. I took him to dinner tonight and your daddy took Liam out for some one on one time. Quinn and I went to Houston’s. We sat and talked all about our summer and I did my best mother/son talk. I told him how great tomorrow was going to be and that he needed not to worry about me. I took out a piece of paper and we sat and wrote out what my day would be like, without him tomorrow, and without you. Seeing this written out seemed to give him a little relief. It scared the shit out of me because I have nothing of importance to do. I can’t believe I don’t have you to take care of. This is all such bullshit.

My mind is still refusing to believe this is all really real. I want so badly to remember certain things about you, but every time I do so, I am overcome with so much pain that my mind pushes the memories of you away and forces me to think about something else. Anything but you. Thought of you leave me breathless, my head spinning and tears pouring. I so wish this were a mind over matter thing and I could make myself feel less pain. I’ve always hated the word impossible, but now it speaks such truth. A happy life without you seems impossible. I feel still feel so empty, shallow, and numb.

August 9th is here soon. 3 months. Guess what else is here? August 12th. The date of your diagnoses just a year ago. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. A year since our life was forever changed in the blink of an eye. I remember it like it was yesterday. It plays over in my head like a movie. I swear I remember every second about that day. Your daddy said to me tonight for as much as we hated hospital life, how he would give anything to go back to living that life with you. I couldn’t agree more. Hospital life with you was like living in freaking paradise compared to this.

I took Quinn on a bike ride today. 104 degree heat and all. We rode our bikes over to Tricia’s. I have not been to her new house yet and Quinn wanted to go on a bike ride. Perfect reason to go and see my bestie. We rode out bikes to her house in the blazing heat. It was fun and it felt a little good to me. I love being outside and I know it meant a lot to Quinn. We stayed at her house for about a half an hour; just enough time to cool off. Tricia is learning how to play the piano. It is something she started doing, just for you after you passed away. I sat on her floor today and asked her to play for us. She has been teaching herself and has one song down to a tee. I don’t even know the name of it, but sitting there watching her play today was so beautiful. I didn’t even fight back my tears as I was overcome with emotion. I felt so proud of her. So lucky to have her in our lives and so honored that she is your godmom. I felt a little sad too. Sad that her beautiful life now knows such sadness. I know it’s silly, but I think about things like this a lot. How if 6 years ago, if we had never met, then she would not know the pain of loving and losing you. I hate the sadness that I know she feels. She does not deserve all of this pain. I know none of us do, but for some reason, knowing the pain that Trish feels, hurts me so badly. I guess it’s because I love her so deeply; like a sister. I guess I get the reason why, but it doesn’t make it any easier. She told me you visited her in her dreams last night. I’m so glad for that. Thank you, baby.

Alright my little blue eyed boy. I am going to say goodnight now. Please watch over your brothers at school tomorrow. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. G’nite, Ro. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo