I need you, I want you, I miss you




Ronan. I made it though another day without you. I’m not sure how. It was an o.k. day. A quiet day. I hate the quiet. It’s eerie, it’s sad, and it’s not how our life is supposed to be. Quinn and I walked to Starbucks this morning and held hands. We talked about you. We stopped and I bought him a boogie board at one of the surf shops. It’s orange, his favorite color. He is so excited about it. He told me thank you about ten times. That made me smile. After we returned from our little morning out, your daddy took Liam and Quinn over to the Rec Center to play basketball. I killed a couple of hours by cleaning and doing laundry. I wrote a letter and talked to Fernanda for a bit. It was a new normal, weird, and boring day. The kind of days that I will never get used to and never embrace. I liked all the non stop chaos that came with you. You made everyday so fun and different. I never knew what to expect, but I was always up for the challenge. Your daddy woke up this morning to Liam crying. He said he was crying because he really misses you. He needs to mourn you and all we can do is be here to help him. To tell him how his feelings are normal and he should be crying over the fact that you are gone. But he also needs to know that we are still here and we will never forget you. You will always be a part of our family, sweet baby boy.

I’m not sure where the rest of the day went. We all hung out together, I made lunch for  everyone. It was a cloudy day here so we pretty much just stayed inside. We went down to have a BBQ with your family and friends who are here. I sat on the beach with Jennifer and Katie for a while. We talked about you and your last days here. I talked without crying and somehow managed to make your story beautiful for as painful as it is. Even in your death, your beauty just shines thorough. You are so amazing. We all sat and had dinner outside by the pool. I couldn’t eat tonight. The no appetite thing seems to come and go. After dinner, we went back to our place. Your brothers had Jake and Carter come over to play a little PS3 NBA game. I snuck out for my nightly run. I ran on the beach and in the middle of my run I tripped on something and flew in the air. I had sand all in my mouth, in my hair, eyes…. everywhere. I just got up and laughed it off. Don’t worry, it’s just the world trying to knock me down again. I brushed it off, thought of you and continued my run. It was a fast run as I only put in about 5 miles but every part of my body hurt. It felt good. After I finished, I stripped down and jumped in the ocean for you again. My nightly swim is becoming a ritual. Those 7 years of swimming lessons sure have paid off. Thanks, Dad. Tonight, as I was swimming in the ocean, I cared about nothing. And I have so much to care about but tonight for the 20 minutes that I was in the water, nothing mattered. You are gone and with that comes a reality that I am not ready to face or accept.

So today, was a hard day for me. Everything reminds me of you. While I was with Quinn, we stopped at a candy store. They had toy pistols hanging on the wall. I started to cry over wanting to buy one for you, because I know how much you loved your toy guns. I almost bought it just to keep it with me in hopes that you will return. But I didn’t. Because I cannot live unrealistically forever, Ronan. I have to accept the fact that I will never be able to buy you a toy gun again. I will never get to watch you run around and shoot the bad guys like we spent so many hours doing together. You always made me be the bad guy. Sometimes, you let me be your partner. I liked that best. Being your partner in crime will always be one of my greatest accomplishments in life.

I’m tired tonight, Ro. Tired of life, tired of missing you so badly, tired of all this sadness. I will try to sleep tonight and wait for you to come and visit me. I need more than anything to see your little face. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are somewhere safe and happy. G’nite my beautiful boy. Sweet dreams.


25 responses to “I need you, I want you, I miss you”

  1. I love the way you write to Ronan. I live the way you and the kids talk about him everyday. And I love the way you are begining to heal. He was a special little boy who was given to you for such a short time for a reason. You are an amazing mother and he was so lucky to have you. I look forward to your blog each day. Fly high sweet Ronan.

  2. This is so painful… I hurt for you. I can’t imagine what you go through day to day just to function. I find myself living in fear. Fear of my own mortality, fear of my son’ s mortality. When Ronan passed, at first I was so sad and angry for him. For everything he had to go through his last 8 months of life and for everything he will never be able to do. I started looking back on my life and realizing just how short 4 years really is. I started going through my own memories of growing and then feeling quilty for having them and not appreciating the fact that I have really experienced great things. Now my pain is shifting. Not that I’m not sad for him, I am, but I believe that whatever happens when you die, there is no more pain and sadness. So now, 95% of my sadness of for you. This life is full of pain and sadness and you got dealt the worse kind and I’m sorry. You are such an amazing person and so strong. And it saddens me to think that life for your family has become about existing rather than true happiness like it was with Ronan. I’m just do sorry Maya.

  3. You are such an amazingly beautiful woman and mother Maya! I pray for you and our perfect family every day, and I tell go how unfair this all was for him to allow your precious little boy to leave so soon! I am here for you, fighting for you. I am going to do whatever I can to help you make a difference!
    You are strong, courageous and just simply human. My love and prayers to you all, may God bless you today in all that you do.
    Colette (your prayer warrior)

  4. I love the photo of you kissing your son, he kinda resembles Ronan a bit in that photo. I’m sorry for the sadness you feel. Memories of Ronan are everywhere….the humming bird outside my window, the purple polish my little boy picked for me to do my toes in, the bald head of the man at church sitting in front of us who is sick, the big blue eyes of passing strangers, etc…. All of these things remind me to pray for you Maya and Woody and the twins too. Time is a great healer. Lots of time, although it will always linger somewhat. I’m so sorry for your loss. Try to enjoy your friends and family, the run’s, food, beach etc… Thinking of you and praying for you daily!! God bless!!

  5. I hope there is plenty of sunshine today. All our love to your entire family. Glad you are there together.

  6. My name is Ashley, I have been following your blog for a while and I wanted to take the time to let you know how much your families story has changed my life. Being a mother I have had many different emotions; anger, sadness and a little loss of faith because no child should ever go through what Ronan went through, and no mother should ever have to lose a child. Ronan deserved so much more and so did you. My heart breaks for you and I am so sorry for your loss.

    Many nights I have sat at my laptop reading your story with tears streaming down my cheeks and I can’t help but think the sadness, anger and hurt I am feeling is just a fraction of what you are going through. This makes my heartbreak even more. One night my 4 year old son Bryce woke up and saw me crying after reading about Ronan’s passing. He asked me why I was so sad. I tried my best to explain that a little boy, just like him, was sick. I showed him Ronan’s picture and told him how sad I was for his mommy. He gave me a big hug and said, “I know you love him Mommy, but don’t be sad he’s going to be alright I promise.” I couldn’t tell him the truth, that little Ronan a baby, was taken from his mommy.

    I know I am just a stranger but I had to let you know that Ashley in Spokane Valley, WA has been forever touched by your love for little Ronan and I appreciate your courage to share your story. F U Cancer, indeed F U Cancer.

  7. Michelle Bunger Avatar
    Michelle Bunger

    Thoughts of you, your precious Ronan and your beautiful family today and everyday. I feel Ronan everywhere….where there is beauty, kindness and love…there is Ronan!!! I loved what Jaime said about the purple nail Polish…My little Brittany and I are spending the weekend together and she decided that we must go and have our nails painted with bright polish and purple stars in memory of Roman…

  8. Michelle Bunger Avatar
    Michelle Bunger

    Okay…my fingers and my phone aren’t in sync here…all of this technology as my phone tries to spell or shall I say misspell for me…I’m not savvy to any of this technology! ! So off to our little corner nail salon we go with warm thoughts of Ronan…The brightest star and greatest blessing…enjoy your family…Much love always!!!

  9. Thought of you today when I saw a huge “Rockstar!” sign at Target. 🙂 We are all here trying to help hold you guys up.

    With love.

  10. I hope you can find some peace soon. You know were all here, supporting you…loving all of you. I am so thankful you are all able to get away and just be together. I know Ronan is with you…in all that is beautiful. I cried when I watched your slideshow. I cry every time I read your blogs…because they are so real. We never really know what the next day will bring. You have taught me to love my family like there’s no tomorrow. Ronan is amazing in everything. Thank you for letting us all love him too.

  11. Article in the Nashville Tennessean today that made me think of you. A couple here who have lost two children hold couples weekends to help parents learn to live after the death of a child. Don’t know a thing about them but the comments in the paper say it’s a great thing. Nancy Guthrie is an author who has written a book(s) about their loss. The website is nancyguthrie.com. When you’re ready you may want to take a look! You’re in prayers here in TN!!

  12. Dear Maya,
    Your posts are always incredibly touching and heart whrenching, I can barely imagine how you are feeling right now. Your video slideshows and videos are incredible, and your family is just so beautiful. You are really an inspiration to stay so strong through this, and I don’t think I or thousands of others could possess an ounce of that strength. I also hope you know I and many, many other people are following your blog and checking reguarly to see any updates and support you. You and Ronan have already touched me in such a way that I feel guilt and anger for this injustice, and I really hope I can help your foundation. Much love

  13. I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for this amazing blog, you decided to do this to help you and in the mean time you have helped and touched so many people. I came across your blog by accident and found myself reading and reading for hours, thank you for changing my perspective, for helping me to realise what really matters. I will continue to pray for healing for your heart and strength for you and your family. Your strength and love amaze and inspire me. keep up the fight and i will help spread the word F U Cancer

  14. Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!
    Hope today was a better day…full of smiles, laughs and sunshine with your family!


  15. Elizabeth Haworth Avatar
    Elizabeth Haworth

    Please let Woody know that my thoughts are with you both and with your twin boys. Ronan was a treasure.

  16. I found this on someone elses blog who lost their child and I like this couldn’t have been said better. I just wanted to share it with you.

    “My shoes…

    I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.”

  17. Hi! I stumbled across your blog and felt very pulled to read it. I lost my son in November, 2009. He was 8 years old and died from a brain disease. You have written what I have felt and still feel. I don’t know how I survived the last 1 1/2 years…but I did. You honestly do it for your other children.
    I also feel the guilt of smiling and laughing…but someone told me that I can feel more than one feeling at one time. I can always be sad, but I can also be happy for things in my life as well.
    Just wanted to let you know that there is someone out there that gets how you feel – 100%. Although I didn’t lose Ronan and you didn’t lose Brandon and our journeys to get there were not the same, we both feel like we can’t breath and we both feel like nothing will ever be the same again. I am a new person who is able to get out of bed and function, but will also ALWAYS think of my son and will miss him forever. I will always want people to remember him and talk about him and love him. That will never go away.
    Someone sent me a poem call “Don’t Tell Me”.

    Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
    Unless you have lost your child too,
    Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
    Because that is just not true,
    Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
    Though it is true, I want him here with me,
    Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
    Beyond today I cannot see,
    Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
    Because I cannot,
    Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
    Because denial is something I can’t stop,
    Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
    Because I wanted more,
    Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
    I’ll never be as I was before,
    What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
    That you will listen when I talk of my child,
    You can share with me my precious memories,
    You can even cry with me for a while,
    And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
    Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
    Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
    But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

    I get it…


    1. That was beautiful…. and I’m sorry for your loss, as well.

    2. Cindy, I am so sorry you lost your Brandon. I don’t know how you get through that. I hope you find some peace in time too.

  18. Hi,

    I chanced upon your blog and as a mother myself, I really ached for u and I cried just as hard when I read your blog. I understand the pain u r feeling of losing such an adorable boy and at such a young age.

    Life is so unfair! Why must kids suffer such painful cancer at such young age???

    Take your time to heal…Grieve for as long as you want. Cry as hard as you want. This is the only way to retain sanity.

    Ultimately, I hope slowly you can walk out of it thou I know it will be hard but you need to be strong for your 2 lovely boys.

    Take care!

  19. Maya, what ocean and state? I worry about you in the ocean in the dark…………creepy crawlers if you catch my drift.

  20. Cindy just said it all.

  21. alcris_Philippines Avatar

    I cant stop crying 😦

  22. This is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever read in my whole life, Ronan is in my heart, i have pictures of him on my phone, he is in everything i do, he is an angel, and somehow i love him like he was mine.. Thank you for this words, thank you for being the most incredible person in the whole world!! I’m from Brazil, and i’m with you and Ronan forever..

  23. Your blogs are the saddest thing ever. I have just began reading them and I’ve basically been crying or the past hour. They so touching and sad. I love the way you write to Ronan. What happened was the saddest thing ever and I’m so sorry.

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