12 thoughts on “My song to cancer tonight. It came on my ipod 3 times during my run. F U Cancer.”

  1. Maya – I love this for you! You are a fighter, and you will continue to be! There are no words to express how much Ronan has touched my life…I truly believe he has become an angel for so many…I am a runner and I ran my most recent 1/2 marathon this weekend in WIlliamsburg, and you and your precious family and especially Ronan were there with me every step, on my mind, in my heart, and definitely behind my legs 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing with us; it has truly been an honor and a privilege being a part of your journey! And as far as anyone having an issue with your perfection, they can go straight to Hell with it! I am so sorry that someone could be that cruel and heartless. I love you and will continue to read and feel and spread Ronan’s story. I will continue to fight right along with you! Much love to you, Woody, Liam, Quinn, and Ronan!

    Hampton, VA

  2. Maya, when I lost my best friend unexpectantly 2 years ago, I wrote this….My pain will obviously never even flutter to what you and your family have been through…I have an almost 3 yr old and almost 2 yr old myself. My heart is heavy for you. So, I wrote this a couple days after his passing, I re-read it every now and then when my mind needs to vent…You and your family are in my thoughts daily…

    Pain, sorrow, injustice, anger, irrationality…..all the feelings you feel in the case of what is said to be a celebration of life. What’s to celebrate when it’s cut in half, in thirds, in quarters……? The time that was spent with us? The good laughs and good cries? The moments of clarity, the shared experience of intellect? And don’t forget those silly crazy moments that were captured by a flash of light and a memory card. A year will go by. Then 5. Then 10. Soon all the greatness will no longer be fresh in our minds, the laughter will have faded, the scent of a loved one lingers no more. Then what? Come across a picture from the past, sigh, reflect, invoke a moment of solitude. A ring from a phone, a child crying, a touchdown being scored, the silence dissipates. Maybe in another month, a year or 5, you will have a ‘moment’ again. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. We are taught to move on but never forget. But can you really step forward without letting go? Our minds attempt the impossible by blocking out the trauma, the pain, the sorrow. How many times have you heard, “It hurts so much I try not to think about it, I just block it out”. One more medicated peaceful moment is all you think about. A replacement friend will follow. It’s inevitable. It happens. People move on, memories aren’t for keeping, mostly just for leaving behind. So where’s the comfort, where’s the closure, where’s the clarity, where’s the way you used to look in the mirror, where is the innocence, where is the opportunity for a full life? We try to kid ourselves and justify the ‘quality not quantity’ theory. It’s all bullshit. It’s all garbage with a pretty bow on it. Nothing will bring you back. Not keeping a memory, not writing a blog, not posting pictures, not drinking into oblivion. The pain never gets better with time. It actually gets worse. Block it out, remove the thoughts, continue on your rat race. Nothing is the same. The sun, the moonless night, the way you breathe. It’s all changed. Change isn’t always good. Sometimes change will bury you and it doesn’t even have the decency to be 6 feet deep. Fuck change, screw the theories and shove the rationalizations you have cooked up in your mind fog of one of the less than recommended ways to cope. I love my life. I love my kids, I love my family, I’m blessed enough to still actually be in love with my husband. I am not cynical. I am not pessimistic. I am pissed. I am hurt I am sad and I am forever changed. Maybe ‘time will heal all pain’…..But don’t get me started on what I think about cliché’s…………

  3. I LOVE this song… now whenever i hear it i will think of you… Mama Bear…and your beautiful blue eyed Rockstar Ro!!! XO

  4. That’s right. I know good and well you won’t stop. Ever. Thank you. I won’t either. I will take care of kids with cancer for the rest of my life, or until there is a cure (that you help find) and I’m forced to do something else. Believing..

  5. Maya,
    I walked by the rocking horses on the wall today and up on the elevator at work today. I pictured Ronan the whole time in his blue pjs running and laughing. I pictured him saying ‘I love you’ on the elevator. I got tears. But I saw and heard him clear as day. I never met him, but I love and miss him too and so much for you! I talk about him every day at work. Everyone in the Pharmacy remembers him 🙂
    I’m looking forward to the event next Friday at the Biltmore. I hope to meet you and hug you!

  6. Maya,
    I walked by the rocking horses on the wall and onto the elevator today at work. I pictured Ronan in his blue pjs running and laughing and saying ‘I love you’ on the elevator. I saw him clear as day. I got tears in m eyes. I never met him, but I love and miss him and miss him for you too! I talk about him everyday at work and everyone in the Pharmacy remembers him 🙂
    I’m looking forward to the event on Friday at the Biltmore. Hoping I can meet you and hug you!

  7. Maya, you are truly an inspiring person considering all that you have been through. Your son was a beautiful boy and I am completely positive that he sits from heaven looking down on you with a smile on his face. I think that it is incredibly brave of you to have a blog website like this and share your pain with everyone. In addition to your son, I think that you are the hero as well for getting through this. Remain strong because I know that your little boy is so proud of you 🙂

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