We’re Not Married…. We’re Still Dating;)

I wish I could tell you tonight that we have our answer.

But I can’t.

Woody and I both left the house on the same page this morning, thinking we knew which approach we were going to take. That all changed after meeting with Dr. Adams, the head of Stem Cell Transplant at PCH.

I should have known the answer was not going to be so easy.

Woody, Fernanda, and I sat across from Dr. Adams. Woody did all of the talking. Fernanda sat, wrote notes, and held my hand. I sat, listened, absorbed, and cried. At one point, I looked up and told everyone I was just trying to do my best not to throw up everywhere.

Dr. Adams looked at me and said she didn’t blame me. She was devastated that she had to be having this conversation with us. But she said she still feels like Ronan can be cured — it’s just going to take a little more work than we would have liked.

She said we have a ton of options available, but unfortunately nobody knows the right answer. The decision we are going to have to make will be based on all the data we collect and a gut feeling.

Those were her words exactly.

I told her I’d be gut feeling, and Woody could be the data 🙂 Sounds like a perfect match to me.

What Dr. Adams would like to see is us do two more rounds of a different type of chemo here, then rescan Ronan and make a decision after that. She does not want us to jump headfirst into anything.

Woody and I both agreed this sounded like a good idea, as long as it won’t close any doors as far as other options go. We are waiting to hear back from Dr. Kushner at Sloan to see if he is okay with this. We don’t see how this would hurt Ronan at all. If anything, everyone seems to think we can get rid of more of his disease this way.

There are not many people in the world I would trust with the life of my baby, but Dr. Adams is one of them. I don’t have a super personal relationship with her for obvious reasons, but I don’t need one to know she is a very special woman. She is brilliant beyond belief, compassionate, open-minded, and has dedicated her entire life to this. She truly cares about each and every one of her patients.

She has this amazing aura around her, and I feel it whenever I’m in her presence.

After we left her office, Fernanda and I went out into the main waiting room to take care of some business. Fernanda looked at me and said, “I still have goosebumps after being in that room with that woman.”

Fernanda felt it too.

This woman is a gift to us, and I want to keep her involved in Ronan’s care for as long as possible. I fully trust her and respect her opinion so much. She wants to give Ronan the best shot possible and is willing to do whatever she can.

She was very hopeful because Ronan has responded so well. As I said before, she just thinks he needs a little something extra.

Staying here and starting chemo would give us more time to figure out our exact plan. I hate to jump right into anything if we can take baby steps instead to really make sure what we are doing is right.

Fernanda had Dr. Eshun’s assistant send all of Ronan’s scans out to about six different doctors. We will take all the opinions we can get right now.

This is not the end of the road, my friends. Not even close. This is the beginning of a new path we are going to take to get Ronan well.

I am embracing it with open arms and know it will be the right decision when the decision is made. I trust in the higher power who is in charge of this — whomever that may be — as I believe there are many forces behind getting Ronan well.

Once again, I am in awe of my husband.

I sat today and watched him fire off questions to Dr. Adams that I think even she was surprised to hear him ask. He knew the names of all the studies, the side effects, what things would open doors and what would shut doors.

It is pretty amazing when you can watch someone like Dr. Adams be so impressed with a father and his wealth of knowledge.

I wish I could have been of more help, but I cannot seem to detach myself from the emotional side of all of this. I don’t know what I would do without Woody.

I said to Tricia yesterday, “Could you imagine if I were married to a moron and going through all of this?”

There is no way I could get through it.

I am so thankful I am married to such a brilliant man.

I love you, Woo <3

We still know Ronan is going to beat this, but as I said before, he is going to do it his way. We will get this figured out, but it is going to take a little bit of time. Nothing is set in stone.

I loved it today when Fernanda said in her beautiful accent, “Honey, I love that you’re not married to one idea — you’re still dating!”

I’ll never forget how her words made me feel today. I’ll never forget her sitting in the clinic with me and seeing her tears over something I had shown her that I carry with me everywhere I go — her Christmas card picture with all five of her beautiful children on it.

I feel like it brings me luck and helps guide me.

It’s the little things that mean so much to me now. Whether it be the Claude necklace I always carry with me, my four-leaf clover necklace that I never take off, Pam’s bracelet that she gave me that I also never take off, or Fernanda’s Christmas card — all of those things bring me peace.

Although they may seem little and insignificant, they mean the world to me.

Today was a long day, to say the least.

I have taken my sleepy medicine so I can actually sleep tonight. If I miss a dose, sleep does not happen. I’m okay with this. It won’t be forever, and I know how important it is for me to get real sleep.

My dreams are still intense. Sometimes they are good, and sometimes they are bad. I’m working on tricking my mind into making my dreams as peaceful as possible.

Goodnight, my sleepy friends.

Goodnight, Moon.

Goodnight, my sweet baby Ro, Liam, Quinn, and Woo.