Mess with the bull, you get the horns!

Tonight is the eve of my babies surgery. I know it is a
very good thing that tomorrow is here; but I am still filled with
an overwhelming amount of anxiety, anger, sadness, sorrow, etc…
basicially I have been through about every emotion one can feel
today. We have been waiting so long for tomorrow to come; and now
that it is almost here… I don’t even know what to do with myself. I
won’t be o.k. until I hear the words that Ronan is out of surgery
and he is doing fine. Until then, I am going to be a wreck. I will
find the strength to keep it together as much as possible tomorrow,
but it is going to be a very hard day. I spent this morning with
Ronan, doing our usual things. We went downstairs and I made him
breakfast. We came back upstairs and finished watching “Despicible
Me” from last night. We then all got ready for the day. I had to
laugh at Woody today at a comment he made to me. I was just getting
out of the shower sans no make-up… he looked at me and goes,
“What’s going on with the dark circles under your eyes? “When did
that happen?” I tried my best not to punch him, and just calmly
told him that they have been there for a few weeks now. He tried to
argue with me and told me that they have not; and I then told him,
yes they have and thank god for make-up. Without it, I look like
somebody has given me two black eyes. I’ve never dealt with the
issues of black circles under my eyes before and I thought it was
funny that he just now noticed today. Looking in the mirror anymore
is weird for me… I look different and my eyes definitely tell the
story. I have been laughing about this all day, because for some
strange reason it is funny to me. I’ll take any kind of humor I can
get right about now. After we got ready, Woody sent me out to get
the pedicure he put in my stocking for Christmas. It was so nice to
get out and go pamper myself a little bit. I got a dark purple
color for Ronan of course. New York was cold and dizzily today and
I quite enjoyed my walk. As I was leaving the pedicure place, I was
in the middle of texting my friend, whom I’m calling, Mr.Sparkly Eyes, to please keep Ronan in his prayers tonight and
tomorrow, which I know he always does, but I said something along
the lines of, “you know I have my issues with God, but I’m asking
for anything at this point.” (and please, no snarky comments here,
I have a right to be mad and questioning everything) As soon as I
texted him those words, I passed a small Catholic Church with the
Fleur De Lis symbol on the outside of it. The Fleur De Lis has kind
of become a family symbol of ours. I walked past the church and
then immediately turned around and went inside. It was empty and I
walked right up to the front and sat down. As soon as I did this I
started crying and sat and cried for a good 30 minutes. I cried, I
prayed, I begged, I asked questions and I cried some more. It was
so peaceful inside and I felt such a sense of comfort and warmth. I
lit 3 candles inside that church tonight. One for Ronan, one for
Jack Morton, and one for Mia Foutz. I said prayers for all of them.
I then left the church but not before I filled it with about 50 of
Ronan’s little cards with his picture and story on it. It’s been
about 16 years since I’ve been inside of a church to pray. It was
just what I needed and exactly where I needed to be tonight. I
haven’t talked to anyone really today, besides my friend, Pamela
White. I have kind of gone into hiding today… so sorry to my
friends…I’m a little too weak to talk right now. I needed to talk
to Pam tonight and that was all. I needed her because she has been
exactly where I am standing, litterely. It was her voice that I
needed to hear, the comfort in her voice, and her advice. She
talked, I listened, I cried, and I believed in every word she was
saying. She told me there was no way to prepare for tomorrow, and
told me no day will ever be as bad as the day Ronan was diagnosed.
She is so right. Nothing in my life, so far, will ever be as bad as
that day. Woody keeps telling me tomorrow is the biggest day of our
life and he is right. He also has been so great about sending me
text messages telling me how Ronan can do this, how he is so much
stronger than every other kid. He is so great about doing things
like this… I tend to go into shut down mode and push everyone away.
I just want tomorrow to be over and Ronan to be o.k. I want that
fucking tumor out of his abdomen. We have to be at the hospital at
7 a.m. East Coast time. Ronan is not scheduled for surgery until
10:50 a.m,, but he may be going in earlier depending on how the
morning goes. I will keep you all posted as best I can and I am so
thankful for all of your prayers and how much you will be thinking
of him/us. Thank you all for your messages today, via text,
facebook, phonecalls, emails, etc…. They mean so much to me. I got
a really sweet one from my friend Shelby that I am going to share.
Thanks for this tonight, Shelby, I really needed this.
I wish you a couple of hours of sleep
tonight and a smooth day tomorrow. Your family has been on my mind
on day. I took you to yoga with me tonight and turned my practice
over to you. My teacher pulled off his shirt mid class (yeah!) and
he had a beautiful tattoo that said “this too shall pass”…just
like yours. I take it all as a sign and I know that you will take a
huge jump in your goal to kick cancer’s ass tomorrow when you get
it all out of your baby. Blessings and strength mama!
My friend, Noelle, also reminded
me tonight that Ronan is a Taurus. A stubborn bull who is
determined to win! He will win, he will fly through this surgery
with such strength and determination. He is our fighter, our hero,
our Rockstar! Nothing is going to stand in his way. Let’s get this
freaking show on the road already. So, I am asking that you keep Ro
and all of his doctors in your prayers tomorrow. Dr. LaQuaglia,
especially as well. He is beyond blessed at what he does and I have
complete faith in him. He is going to save our baby. Sleep well
tonight and I hope your dreams are filled with images of Ronan. I
am leaving you tonight with a beautiful picture of a butterfly. To
me, butterfly’s represent a rebirth…. a shedding of their cocoon
only to be reborn as something even more beautiful than before.
After tomorrow, Ronan will be reborn and free of the mass in his
abdomen. A new, fresh start for him. The rebirth of our baby boy. I
love you all and I promise to update you as soon as we hear
anything tomorrow. xoxo

17 responses to “Mess with the bull, you get the horns!”

  1. As with each night since the first day that I read your first entry on this amazing blog… Your family and most of all Ronan… Is in all of my family’s hearts and prayers…
    You are an inspiration as is your beautiful son….
    Sending you all love and light….

  2. God Bless you all today. Everyone is in my prayers. Sloan saved my sister’s life two years ago. She is here and still the mother that she needs to be because of the wonderful staff there. My sister is an OR nurse in another hospital and was so impressed with their operating rooms at Sloan. My goodness Ronan is in a good place for this surgery. Only the best tomorrow. I hope the time passes quickly until you can kiss his sweet head after surgery.

  3. Greetings Ronan and Family,

    I am a friend of Joy and Adam Weber and I too am sending you heartfelt prayers. Thank you for this blog. Your family is full of love, strength and vitality.



  4. Praying for all of y’all tonight and especially tomorrow. God is taking care of Ronan.

  5. Carolyn McClellan Avatar
    Carolyn McClellan

    Bless you and the family. You are truly an inspiration for all that read your blog. On the eve of Ronan’s surgery the angels have spread their wings keeping him in their care & watching over him until he is out of recovery. You have a special place in all our hearts and every beat is for you and Ronan.

    Prayers and well wishes for the Rockstar.

  6. Ronan, You, your family, and all of the OR staff will be in my prayers during this most difficult day. Your STRENGTH and GRACE will carry you through Ronan’s surgery and the days of recovery following. I pray that you find some rest tonight.

  7. This time last week, I was sitting in my apartment in NYC watching as the city took a beating by winter.

    Right now, I’ve got my windows open because it’s so damn nice for this time of the year here. It’s early spring. I think it’s a sign for Ronan and your Family. This day is your spring. Your renaissance. It will be all good things 🙂

    You don’t know me, but I’ve been following your family’s and Ronan’s story for a few months. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

  8. My prayer is that God guides those skilled hands as that awful “c” is taken… and will replace it with love, life, good health and all other things good.
    You are all in my thoughts and prayers just like many others do. We all hold you near and dear…and will help carry you through this. ((hugs))

  9. I woke up this morning thinking it was a great day for your family! My son’s surgery was 1/11/10 with the AMAZING Dr. L!!!!! HE IS A GIFT SENT FROM GOD FOR ALL OF US! Praying for Ronan, you and your husband and Dr. L! Hang tight, it will be a long day but you can do it! Good luck, will be thinking of you all day!

  10. I send you all my prayers on this very special day….kick butt little bull! bev

  11. Praying every minute and wishing every second until I hear that Ronan is out of surgery and ok! Love you guys…

  12. I normally say prayers throughout the day for Ronan, but today I will be praying every minute of the day! You’re such a Rockstar, Ronan and today is the day you are going show cancer who’s boss!!

  13. Praying for family streghth and gods hand to heal your beautiful little boy. You are in my thoughts this morning and I know that Ronan will Shine thru this….BELIEVE!!!

  14. Fuck you cancer. You are going away today and will never be back. He is such a strong little boy and has the greatest support group. I will be thinking and praying for all of you today.

  15. For some reason I couldn’t read the last few posts on my iphone but I’m on my laptop now and have caught up on the updates. The part about the butterflies really touched me because I dressed up my daughter this morning in her cute butterfly hoodie and matching butterfly hair clips. It’s just another sign that this is Ronan’s day of rebirth and even the youngest members of Ronan’s fan club are pulling for him.

  16. Ronan has lead you to God and prayer and many others with you. Thirteen of the replies to this post mentioned God, angels and praying. There are things that happen like this world, where only the Lord can truly help. I’m so glad you went into the church to pray.

    It is OK to be questioning why God would allow such a darling little boy to have such a dreadful disease. One of the disciples of Jesus was called “Doubting Thomas”. When he saw Jesus after his resurrection, he couldn’t believe until he saw the nail marks in his hand.

    God is the answer, keep talking to Him.

  17. patricia scalise Avatar
    patricia scalise

    please know that your family is loved……..hearts have been opened by the story of you beautiful baby and his battle with this insidious disease…..i have been awake all night imploring everyone to pray…pray…pray…..i am confident those prayers are surrounding ronan……prayers from better people with greater faith than i….

    if there was a way i could shorten your waiting today or lessen your burden…..know that i would do it in a flash………the love that your family shares will somehow get you through…….and i will sit here and pray for all of you in my informal..fragmented..manner….i will plead with god to bless ronan and your family

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