He is my sun, my stars, my moon above

A bloody nose led us to the clinic for platelets earlier today. As soon as we were ready to head home, Sharon came over to flush out Ronan’s tubes and the saline started squirting out the side. Not a good thing. He had a tiny hole in the line that leads to his broviac which could cause a major infection to go into his system. That got us booted out of the clinic and sent over to the ER to have his tube replaced. It was no big deal; they just clasped  off the top of his tube and replace the bottom where it was broken. Now, we have to stay in the ER so he can get a dose of antibiotics as a preventive to any kind of infection that may have started to grow. He has not been happy to be here. Lots of yelling and screaming that he wants to go home. Can’t blame him. The ER sucks. And not to mention, playing Christmas music in the ER is just wrong.  He is asleep now… Thankfully. But as always, as he sleeps away and I sit for hours holding him; I have way too much time to think.

Do you know what it’s like to cry tears because your baby has cancer? Do you know what it’s like to even fathom the idea of losing your child? I do. Every second of the day I think about Ronan. He is the love of my life; the last baby that we decided to have. He completes our family. He was the perfect ending to all of us. He makes us whole and all around we are better people because of this one little boy. Sometimes, I sit and think about life without him and it makes me sick to my stomach. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that I shouldn’t be thinking that way; too bad. It is a part of this, as sick as it is. I can already tell you life without my baby would be HELL. I am so sad for any parent that has to live through something like that. It is not right and it is not fair.

I started the day off today by crying, and I’m ending the day the same way. I’ve been sitting here in the ER for 3 hours now staring at the wall saying over and over in my head, “Please don’t take my baby away.” I’ll bet you I’ve said this a thousand times tonight. It’s all I can do right now. If I say it enough, it has to work. A life without Ronan, would be no life at all.

I, on the other hand, got not a thing done  today in regards to our upcoming trip. Tomorrow will be better, yes? It has to be.

10 thoughts on “He is my sun, my stars, my moon above”

  1. Your words are so true and no one could have said it better. This is the third anniversary of my third return to my doc to see it I actually had cancer. I never went through anything like you are going through but go through other similar thoughts about my grandchildren. My 19 year old daughter is in the Army and going through a very hard time right now…I do fear for her life and well being..especially this time of year. We are hoping we will get to have her home for Christmas..not sure yet…but hearing what you say and think just reminds me how precious these children are to us and how much we want to help and can’t…I feel your heart ache!

  2. Dearest Maya, I have been reading all your blogs and praying for you and your family each and every night. I cry each time I read it and still can’t believe this is happening to your beautiful family. I will continue to pray….
    Your Friend, Kathryn

  3. Maya~ I wish I had the right words to say…please know that you are being thought of and prayed for throughout each day. “I have heard your cries. I have seen your tears. Surely I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5. xoxo michelle

  4. Maya you are not wrong to be thinking about what life would be like without Ronan. Don’t let people tell you it is. It’s a possible reality and you are acknowledging that fact. But try not to dwell on it. Continue to live for the day and the days with you entire family. You are correct. Your family will not be the same. It’s won’t ever be the same as you have acknowledged because of this experience with Childhood cancer. You are doing well, it is a horrendous experience. Our prayers are with you , for peace, strength and comfort during this time.

  5. Dawson is hooked on the story and asks me everyday to read him your latest post. Tell Ronan, Dawson says he is going to be in Scottsdale Shea on Monday for three days and if he felt up to it Dawson would love to play legos with him. Maya my email address is Jennifer.bennett7709@yahoo.com if there is ever anything we can do please let me know. Dawson has been so touched by Ronan and he would love for the two of them to stay in touch. I did explain to him that it would be difficult but much like Ronan he is pretty determined. My older boys were so touched by your story that they posted this website on their facebooks and asked their friends to follow it as well. They were touched by this terrible disease last year, as I mentioned they lost their grandfather to the same disease, he was terribly ill with extensive cardiac issues and did not have Ronans drive, will or determination. So tell Ronan he has a few more “Star Fighters” in his corner.

  6. Everyone tells me to think positive .. but always thinking positive gives me no motivation to fight off the negative. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you having moments where you think of the “what ifs”…it only gives you something to fight against. Keeps you moving .. focused. Just because you have these moments doesn’t mean that you are forgetting your blessings. You need to kick this cancer’s ass and by doing that you need to face it and all it’s ugliness! You’re strong and plenty of people have your back…fuck cancer and the horse it rode in on! I’ll continue to pray for you, your family, and of course that cute little stud rocking that awesome hat! 🙂

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