He is my sun, my stars, my moon above

A bloody nose led us to the clinic for platelets earlier today. As soon as we were ready to head home, Sharon came over to flush out Ronan’s tubes and the saline started squirting out the side. Not a good thing. He had a tiny hole in the line that leads to his broviac which could cause a major infection to go into his system. That got us booted out of the clinic and sent over to the ER to have his tube replaced. It was no big deal; they just clasped  off the top of his tube and replace the bottom where it was broken. Now, we have to stay in the ER so he can get a dose of antibiotics as a preventive to any kind of infection that may have started to grow. He has not been happy to be here. Lots of yelling and screaming that he wants to go home. Can’t blame him. The ER sucks. And not to mention, playing Christmas music in the ER is just wrong.  He is asleep now… Thankfully. But as always, as he sleeps away and I sit for hours holding him; I have way too much time to think.

Do you know what it’s like to cry tears because your baby has cancer? Do you know what it’s like to even fathom the idea of losing your child? I do. Every second of the day I think about Ronan. He is the love of my life; the last baby that we decided to have. He completes our family. He was the perfect ending to all of us. He makes us whole and all around we are better people because of this one little boy. Sometimes, I sit and think about life without him and it makes me sick to my stomach. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that I shouldn’t be thinking that way; too bad. It is a part of this, as sick as it is. I can already tell you life without my baby would be HELL. I am so sad for any parent that has to live through something like that. It is not right and it is not fair.

I started the day off today by crying, and I’m ending the day the same way. I’ve been sitting here in the ER for 3 hours now staring at the wall saying over and over in my head, “Please don’t take my baby away.” I’ll bet you I’ve said this a thousand times tonight. It’s all I can do right now. If I say it enough, it has to work. A life without Ronan, would be no life at all.

I, on the other hand, got not a thing done  today in regards to our upcoming trip. Tomorrow will be better, yes? It has to be.