No smoke and mirrors here, people

Today was a beautiful day from the beginning until the end. My morning started with a quick trip to the store and a visit from my favorite cousin in the whole world, Roy, and his amazing daughter, Shannon. Was nice to see them and to catch up. I love hearing about the happenings of their world and seeing a glimpse of my sweet baby cousins 17-year-old life. From her deciding on a college… east coast or west coast… to hearing about the trip she will be taking after graduation to Thailand with her dad. I am so excited for her, as her life is just beginning and I can’t wait to see what it has in store. I’ve watched Shannon pretty much grow up before my eyes. She is a remarkable young woman. When I think of her, the word that comes to my mind is authentic. That word pretty much struck a chord with me all day today. I got to thinking about my life and the people I surround myself with. I also saw that movie Eat, Pray, Love with Trish and Marisa which really got me to thinking about my life before all of this started. As much as I thought I would want to punch Elizabeth Gilbert (the author) in the face for not having any “real” problems; I didn’t. Her problems were real to her… she was unhappy in a marriage and with her life. I can’t fault that woman for following her heart to try to make herself happy. Did it make me angry that her only problem was her marriage? A little. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have a child and see them suffer. So yeah, o.k. Maybe I did want to punch her out a little bit. But the bottom line is she was being true and authentic to herself. You have to admire that in anyone. I’ve realized although my problems seem much worse… it’s not for me to decide or judge on who’s problems are real and who’s are not. To someone, a divorce may seem like a death or a very serious illness. I don’t know that first hand, I only know the kind of pain that comes from my baby being sick. Pain is pain no matter what the source is.

I told Marisa and Tricia about yesterday when I went to watch the boys’ basketball game and about the conversation I had with a mom I had just met from our team. We were introducing ourselves and she asked how old Liam and Quinn were and if we had any other children. I told her we had a 3-year-old boy at home and we had just found out he had cancer. I basically just blurted it out even though I know I don’t have to divulge that type of information to just anyone. But, that was me being real and not wanting to run and hide from our life now. I know that I am going to be seeing this mom a lot at practices and games so what better way to get it out in the open then to just say it. We can’t hide from this. I want to remain as true to myself and as true to our life as possible. I’ve never been fake or phony and I’m certainly not going to start now. Whatch ya see is whatch ya get. I’m not going to be scared and pretend like this isn’t happening. A life full of facades and pretend happiness in no life at all. It’s toxic and not a life I would ever live or ever want. I am grateful for the things that I have, that are real. From the love for my husband and kids, to the way we live our life, to the people we surround ourselves with.

So, my afternoon was spent at the movies with Tricia and Marisa. The movie was o.k…. but I didn’t care. I got to spend time sitting in between my two best friends. Marisa is pregnant and due in November. During the movie she put my hand on her belly and I got to feel baby Max moving all about. The tears started flowing as soon as I felt him. I kept my hand there for a couple of minutes and was overwhelmed by the things I was feeling. Such happiness for her…. she is such an amazing mommy and I feel so much love for this little guy already. It also reminded me of having Ronan in my belly and being at the movies with Tricia and doing the exact same thing with her. I was so looking forward to throwing Marisa’s baby shower. The first time we went to look at our new house after putting an offer on it, I thought to myself… “If we get this house, I am going to have the most beautiful baby shower for Marisa here.” Marisa wasn’t even pregnant at the time but in my head I had already had the party for her. Little things like that make me sad. It may seem silly in the reality of things, but I love being able to do special things for my friends and now I am not able to. And I don’t even have a say in the matter. It’s like all the freedom and the joys of life have been stripped from me and my family. Now our life is filled with sadness, love, hope, worry, and anger. The one word that I am proud to say does not exist in our life is regret. I have no regrets about ANYTHING. Up until now, we lived a beautifully flawless life. Now, I just have to be more creative about making sure that beauty still exists and being eternally grateful for it. The beauty in my day today was seeing Ronan romp around our backyard with his cowboy boots on playing in the dirt. It was the most he has been outside in a month. It made me smile from head to toe.

I ended my day with a phone call from my dear friend, Charisma who lives in L.A. We met about 4 years ago but I swear I’ve known her in a past life or something. We have a bond and a connection that just gets stronger and stronger even though we don’t get to see each other very often. I ADORE her. She is one of the most beautiful souls from the inside, out. Not to mention one of the best mom’s in the world. It was great to hear her voice and to catch her up to speed on things. She is very strong person and I seem to feed off of that and just talking to her makes me feel like I can take on the world. She loves us and believes in me and knows that we will survive this. She is a true friend and another one of the most authentic people I have ever known.

We start the second round of Ronan’s magic medicine tomorrow. Please keep him in your thoughts, prayers, energy fields…. whatever. He will need every ounce of love and support to get him though this. I know he can feel everyone thinking of him and loving him. Thank you all for that… it means everything to us.

Sweet dreams my friends. I’m already half asleep so hoping my mind will shut off now and I can get in a few good hours of peace.

xoxo

One thought on “No smoke and mirrors here, people”

  1. Funny, I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love and hated it. I too was irritated at her for being so “poor me, I have a broken heart”…I mean, who hasn’t at one time or another??? Get up, dust yourself off, and get over it. Write a book when you have a real problem.

    Ever since I went to Brazil in May to work in a village there doing dental work on the locals, I totally have had a change of heart about what is important in life. You don’t really realize how good our lives are and how lucky we are to be able to complain about our iPod battery dying, or the traffic, or whatever. Until something profound hits you; like what you’re dealing with with Ronan, or what I saw in Brazil, it makes you take a step back at life and see whats really important. It’s not how many square feet your home is or nice dinners out and expensive restaurants or diamond earrings (although those are nice 😉 ) it’s all about love, family, love, health, safety, and again, love. I was forever changed by what I saw in that country and know that even though our “live changing” events were totally different, you are forever changed as well. I just wanted you to know that I totally get what you’ve been saying on this blog the past several weeks. I had a really hard time too when I got back from Brazil just seeing everyone here in America go about their business like there was nothing sad or horrible going on elsewhere in the country or world. I can’t even watch the news anymore because I get so pissed at the things they are reporting about and how stupid and pointless people are being about what they are having controversy about. Really? Really people??? I wish they would stop and take a look around and be grateful for what they have; now. In this moment. Cherish the beautiful gifts you’ve been given because it might not always be this great. There are not many times during the day when I’m not thinking about you guys and feeling sick over it. Folding laundry, washing dishes, washing my hair, I just keep thinking about you and what you’re dealing with. Every time we do something fun, I feel guilty; knowing that you guys would give anything to just be able to have fun and for a few minutes not have this terrible thing be a part of your lives. I really, really wish there was something I could do to help. Even though I have this strong feeling in my gut and in my heart that Ronan is going to be ok, I wish that your family wasn’t going through all of this. It breaks my heart. How about that Liz? My heart is broken too- 🙂 Wow, sorry I keep rambling on and on- I always mean to just post a couple of sentences and I write a book. 😛

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