It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault that he is like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde now. One minute we are having the best time and the next minute he is running away, slamming the door and telling me he hates me. Then he opens the door, runs to me screaming and hitting me with his tiny fists saying I’m hurting him. I’m not. I haven’t touched him. I can’t even discipline him anymore. I try to talk to him, try to hold him, love him, reason with him. Nothing works. So, I sit on the ground and cry in front of him. I cry and he watches me. It takes him awhile, but he finally comes over, rubs me, kisses my arms and tells me he doesn’t want me to be sad. I hold him and tell him over and over how sorry I am and how much I love him. It’s all I can do. Time outs or any sort of discipline seem cruel now. This is not his fault and his emotions are not his fault. He is too little to understand any of this or the way he is feeling. How do you discipline a baby with cancer? I don’t have an answer. So, I give in and cry and hope that he sees that the way he is acting and the words he’s saying are cutting me like a knife. Even having him see me this way seems almost cruel. I’m lost and broken and it’s the only thing I can do.
For the most part it was a wonderful day. Trish’s sister and my friend Sarah dropped by. She brought breakfast, coffee and goodies for Ronan. He was actually really happy to see her. We call her the baby whisper. She has such an amazing way with kids. Ronan loves Sarah. She stayed for a couple of hours and we played, talked, folded laundry, made my bed, and I even got to take a shower. It was a nice morning. In the afternoon, Woody’s 3 cousins, Jennifer, Heidi, and Tiffany stopped by. They brought lunch, an ASU Snuggie (yes, we are totally a snuggie family) and me a beautiful necklace that I love. They have such an amazing strong sisterly bond…. it was really nice to sit and be a part of that. All of their kids go to Hopi, the same school that Liam and Quinn go to and the boys’ could not be more excited to see their cousins on campus. I always get a daily report of which cousin they saw and what they were doing. It’s so cute. The girls offered to help take Liam and Quinn to school a few days during the week as to give Kay and Charlie a break. I am so grateful and thankful for that. Kay and Charlie have been doing everything for us. It will be nice to give them a little break. My friend, Lisa stopped by with a new Star Wars figure for Ronan. We figured out that he didn’t have a Princess Lea and she had seen one at Walgreen’s and wanted to drop it off. It is always a treat to spend time with her so I am glad she came to visit. She told me the most beautiful story about city in France called Lourdes. It is known for it’s famous Virgin Mary sightings. In 1858, Lourdes went from being a small village in the Pyrenees to a global attraction. This was when the peasant girl, Bernadette Soubirous, had a life-altering visit to a cave with her siblings to gather wood. According to accounts, “Lifting her head, she saw, in the crevice of the rock, a young girl, surrounded by light, who looked at her and smiled.” This was the first of eighteen visions Bernadette claims to have had of the Virgin Mary. Bernadette eventually became a nun in Nevers. Today, the cave is just at the base of the basilica. Streams of believers, many in wheelchairs or even rolled in on gurneys, swarm the cave where Bernadette had her visions for a taste of the water from the spring there and with hopes for a miracle.
There is a replica of Lourdes in Connecticut and Lisa was there when she found out all of this was happening with Ronan. She went to Lourdes and lit and candle and said a prayer in Ronan’s name. That story really touched me today. Everyone around the world is praying for my son. We need all the prayers we can get. We cannot lose him… a miracle has to happen. I truly believe because of all of the prayers and positive thinking that one will.
Tonight we hung out as a family, had a great dinner (thanks Heidi!) and just spent some time together. We played Wii, Star Wars, Army, etc…. We snuggled in our bed and watched some home videos of Ronan from when he was a baby/toddler. The boys were cracking up. It was very sweet but also hard for me to watch. The whole time I kept thinking in my head, who would have ever thought this is where my sweet baby would end up… fighting cancer. It stings so badly. This is something none of us would have ever imagined. I’m sad for myself and for everyone else going through this with us. My sadness never ends but I am so very good at putting on a brave face. I also turned on that show Stand Up For Cancer tonight. It was very hard for me to watch so I turned it off after only a few minutes. The statistics on the screen were awful. We are a statistic now. Made me sick to my stomach and I went into the bathroom and threw up. I’ve always had a weak stomach and can puke on a dime so it’s not really a big deal. Just ask my marathon training partners, Trish and Marisa;) They would always look at me in the middle or end of our training and be like, “Maya, come on. Enough with the puking!” Still makes me laugh to this day. It doesn’t take much to make me gag. My night ended with a beating up by Ronan while Woody was in the twins’ bedroom playing them guitar. After Ronan told me he was sorry, he soon fell asleep. Impossible to be mad at that boy. I pray that he finds the peace that he deserves in his dreams. His days are tough enough; his nights should not have to be.
P.S. I really hope this entry makes sense tonight. I don’t know how I’m even writing this right now as I am half asleep so forgive me if it sounds like it:)