Ronan the Rebel

It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault that he is like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde now. One minute we are having the best time and the next minute  he is running away, slamming the door and telling me he hates me. Then he opens the door, runs to me screaming and hitting me with his tiny fists saying I’m hurting him. I’m not. I haven’t touched him. I can’t even discipline him anymore. I try to talk to him, try to hold him, love him, reason with him. Nothing works. So, I sit on the ground and cry in front of him. I cry and he watches me. It takes him awhile, but he finally comes over, rubs me, kisses my arms and tells me he doesn’t want me to be sad. I hold him and tell him over and over how sorry I am and how much I love him. It’s all I can do. Time outs or any sort of discipline seem cruel now. This is not his fault and his emotions are not his fault. He is too little to understand any of this or the way he is feeling. How do you discipline a baby with cancer? I don’t have an answer. So, I give in and cry and hope that he sees that the way he is acting and the words he’s saying are cutting me like a knife. Even having him see me this way seems almost cruel. I’m lost and broken and it’s the only thing I can do.

For the most part it was a wonderful day. Trish’s sister and my friend Sarah dropped by. She brought breakfast, coffee and goodies for Ronan. He was actually really happy to see her. We call her the baby whisper. She has such an amazing way with kids. Ronan loves Sarah. She stayed for a couple of hours and we played, talked, folded laundry, made my bed, and I even got to take a shower. It was a nice morning. In the afternoon, Woody’s 3 cousins, Jennifer, Heidi, and Tiffany stopped by. They brought lunch, an ASU Snuggie (yes, we are totally a snuggie family) and me a beautiful necklace that I love. They have such an amazing strong sisterly bond…. it was really nice to sit and be a part of that. All of their kids go to Hopi, the same school that Liam and Quinn go to and the boys’ could not be more excited to see their cousins on campus. I always get a daily report of which cousin they saw and what they were doing. It’s so cute. The girls offered to help take Liam and Quinn to school a few days during the week as to give Kay and Charlie a break. I am so grateful and thankful for that. Kay and Charlie have been doing everything for us. It will be nice to give them a little break. My friend, Lisa stopped by with a new Star Wars figure for Ronan. We figured out that he didn’t have a Princess Lea and she had seen one at Walgreen’s and wanted to drop it off. It is always a treat to spend time with her so I am glad she came to visit. She told me the most beautiful story about city in France called Lourdes. It is known for it’s famous Virgin Mary sightings. In 1858, Lourdes went from being a small village in the Pyrenees to a global attraction. This was when the peasant girl, Bernadette Soubirous, had a life-altering visit to a cave with her siblings to gather wood. According to accounts, “Lifting her head, she saw, in the crevice of the rock, a young girl, surrounded by light, who looked at her and smiled.” This was the first of eighteen visions Bernadette claims to have had of the Virgin Mary. Bernadette eventually became a nun in Nevers. Today, the cave is just at the base of the basilica. Streams of believers, many in wheelchairs or even rolled in on gurneys, swarm the cave where Bernadette had her visions for a taste of the water from the spring there and with hopes for a miracle.

There is a replica of Lourdes in Connecticut and Lisa was there when she found out all of this was happening with Ronan. She went to Lourdes and lit and candle and said a prayer in Ronan’s name. That story really touched me today. Everyone around the world is praying for my son. We need all the prayers we can get. We cannot lose him… a miracle has to happen. I truly believe because of all of the prayers and positive thinking that one will.

Tonight we hung out as a family, had a great dinner (thanks Heidi!) and just spent some time together. We played Wii, Star Wars, Army, etc…. We snuggled in our bed and watched some home videos of Ronan from when he was a baby/toddler. The boys were cracking up. It was very sweet but also hard for me to watch. The whole time I kept thinking in my head, who would have ever thought this is where my sweet baby would end up… fighting cancer. It stings so badly. This is something none of us would have ever imagined. I’m sad for myself and for everyone else going through this with us. My sadness never ends but I am so very good at putting on a brave face. I also turned on that show Stand Up For Cancer tonight. It was very hard for me to watch so I turned it off after only a few minutes. The statistics on the screen were awful. We are a statistic now. Made me sick to my stomach and I went into the bathroom and threw up. I’ve always had a weak stomach and can puke on a dime so it’s not really a big deal. Just ask my marathon training partners, Trish and Marisa;) They would always look at me in the middle or end of our training and be like, “Maya, come on. Enough with the puking!” Still makes me laugh to this day. It doesn’t take much to make me gag. My night ended with a beating up by Ronan while Woody was in the twins’ bedroom playing them guitar. After Ronan told me he was sorry, he soon fell asleep. Impossible to be mad at that boy. I pray that he finds the peace that he deserves in his dreams. His days are tough enough; his nights should not have to be.

P.S. I really hope this entry makes sense tonight. I don’t know how I’m even writing this right now as I am half asleep so forgive me if it sounds like it:)

Sweet dreams.

6 thoughts on “Ronan the Rebel”

  1. Maya, I remember if Alex, survives this I will have a spoiled child on my hands. Somehow things all worked out. What is important right now is that you are meeting his needs for feeling love and protection to the very best of your abilities. He acts out because he can’t find the words to tell you he is afraid. None of this is personal, or a reflection of your parenting skills. You are an awesome mom. This is just a detour in parenting, through very rocky terrain, that none of us had lessons for. There will be plenty of time in the future for lessons on manners and good behavior. Right now it is what it is and none of it is personal.

  2. I received this and thought of you. I don’t know you but my daughter went to high school with your husband. You and your family are being prayed for daily here in crookston, minnesota. I keep up with your posting daily and pray that you continue to have the strength to endure. Your little Ronan Rockstar is beautiful. Blessings to all of you.

    RUN THROUGH THE RAIN

    A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing, as carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

    The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in ‘Mom let’s run through the rain,’ she said.

    ‘What?’ Mom asked.

    ‘Let’s run through the rain!’ She repeated

    ‘No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,’ Mom replied.

    This young child waited about another minute and repeated: ‘Mom, let’s run through the rain,’

    ‘We’ll get soaked if we do,’ Mom said.

    ‘No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,’ the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm. This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

    ‘Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!’

    The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently… No one came or left in the next few minutes… Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life; a time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

    ‘Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,’ Mom said.

    Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

    Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories….So, don’t forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories every day.

    To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

    YOU STILL CAN TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

    They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

    Take the time to live!!!

    Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you’ll need each other — and don’t forget to run in the rain. Let it be the water coming down from the skies, or the circumstances of our every day life…….a time to ponder how precious our very existence on this earth really is….and to rejoice in each day we are given……

    To all of you, think positive and take a day at a time.

  3. This post completely made sense…I am always amazed at how you are able to articulate what you are feeling so clearly. Brings me to tears and inspires me at the same time. Thank you for sharing with others all you are going through…know that we are praying for Ronan and you and your family all of the time. Hard to get that sweet boy off of my mind! I hope your Saturday goes well. xo Michelle Hobbs

  4. Maya after reading you last entry I thought of something I used to do when my children were too young to express their feelings. I had a stack of newsprint and a bucket of large crayons. When they were frustrated, angry, sad or excited ( name your emotion) I would say ” I am going to draw a picture of how I feel, do you want to too? ” ( or what ever statement that felt appropriate) most of the time both of us would just scribble, hard and fast with dark or red colors, or slow and loopy for different feelings. We both got rid of energy and could see what the other was feeling. We usually ended up laughing. I don’t know if this will help, but it is an idea you might consider. You are doing great and so is Ronan.

  5. Maya, your entry made sense and I felt the pain you’re feeling as I read it. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. My daughter Jacque is 17 and I pray every day thanking G-d for her well being.

    As we celebrate our Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) know that you, Ronan and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. At our services, we say a special prayer for those who are ill – Mi Sheberakh (the One who blessed) – and we’d like to share with you the English translation —

    “May the One who blessed our ancestors — Patriarchs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; Matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah — bless and heal the one who is ill; Ronan Thompson, son of Maya and Woody and brother to Liam and Quinn.
    May the Holy One overflow with compassion upon him to restore him, to heal him, to strengthen him, to enliven him.
    The One will send him speedily a complete healing — healing of the soul and healing of the body — without delay.

    And let us say Amen!”

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