These past 2 weeks have been so hard and I know it’s going to get harder. I’ll never forget when Dr. Wood came into tell me that they had found a mass in Ronan’s stomach. I fell to the floor and could hardly breathe. Wasn’t it just a day before all of this that Woody looked at me and said, “We are so lucky, we have the perfect life.” He would say things like this weekly and thank me for being such a great mom and taking such good care of his boys. And I would always thank him for giving me such a wonderful life and letting me stay home and raise our boys. It was never a right to me; it was always a privilege. We both knew how good we had it. We pretty much had our life map planned out. It included our 3 boys playing lots of sports, doing well in school, having all of their friends over and getting eaten out of our house, our family, lots of traveling, and just being together as much as possible. There is still a plan… I’m just looking at this as a little detour along the way.
I can tell Ronan is starting to feel sick. That’s really hard for me to see. A few weeks ago he was my overly wild, insanly active little guy who was always causing trouble and beating up his 7 year old brothers. The next minute he can hardly walk and does not want to even get out of bed. He is starting to look sick, act sick, and feel sick. It’s heartbreaking to see and watch.
I finally broke down in front of Woody last night. I haven’t done that yet but I was having a day where I was feeling sorry for myself. I hated doing it, I don’t want him to see me hurt the way I am. He has enough to worry about. I wish I wouldn’t have because it did not make me feel better. It was not one of those moments that brought us closer. It was one of those moments that Woody looked at me and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to knock it off. I needed to hear that because now is not the time to be weak. I know there will come a time for him to hold me so I can break down. But it was not last night. He needs to be around me when I am strong because we are going to be dealing with this for a very long time. And for the record, he doesn’t read my blog…. it’s probably better that way. He says he doesn’t understand my needing to be vocal about such a private thing. But he supports me, because he knows it helps me.
So, I am going to try my hardest to put on a happy, strong face when I’m around him. And if I need to break down it will be on here or in front of friends…. One of my girlfriends, Ryan, posted something on my Facebook wall today. It said, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Ain’t that the