Not ready for the real world yet

Going home in a few hours. Ronan is getting platelets and blood before we will be released. Woody and I also have to show them that we are comfortable with the broviac and shots. Our scan came back today and Dr. Wood came in to tell me it didn’t show anything that we didn’t already know. Big sigh of relief there. I’ll take that as great news:) Dr. Maze came up to give me a hug and say goodbye. That man has been so comforting to me the entire time I’ve been here. He really goes above and beyond the call of a normal doctor. I’m waiting to meet Woody for a quick-lunch at Houston’s, even though I look like a homeless person. In my old life I would have totally cared about that. Now, I don’t at all.

Lunch was not as I expected. I have not been out in the real world in 2 weeks. As much as I hated being at the hospital, it has become comfortable and a way of life for me. I full on had what I think was an anxiety attack in the restaurant. All of the people and loudness of the restaurant was way too much. Some little girl in a tutu kept wondering over to our table. I wanted to scream and cry all at the same time. My head started spinning, heart was racing, and I basically had to force feed myself. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I ended up throwing up in a bag on the drive home. How can anything ever be normal to me again? I can’t wait to get Ronan home to the safety of our house. I don’t think I’ll be venturing out in public for a while. I’m ok with saying inside our little bubble.

I’m going to shower now and head back to the hospital to get Ronan ready to leave. I’m scared but also excited to be coming home. It will be so nice to be able to see Liam and Quinn and get somewhat of our normal family life back. I have missed being a mom to my twins so much.

10 thoughts on “Not ready for the real world yet”

  1. I am praying for your transition back to home life. What a blessing to be going there! Jesus is right there holding your hand. Love you all, Jenn

  2. I am a friend of your mom and stepdads. Your son and entire family are in my thoughts and prayers. Ronan is so lucky to have a loving family and friends surrounding him. Keep the faith, if God leads you to it, he’ll get you through it…

  3. You all are going to be great at home in your true comfort zone. Wonderful to hear that Ronan is well enough to leave the hospital. Big kisses to you and all your boys.

  4. (I’m Denise Gooding–that’s my maiden name–a friend of Woody’s from LSP at ASU and I’m good friends with Kay and Charlie too…just so you know who I am) YAY!!! on being able to go home today 🙂 When my little nephew was having a feeding tube put in him at PCH, I ran into Kay and Charlie in the PCH cafeteria and then stopped by after my nephew’s surgery to see little Ronan. What an amazing little boy he is…and what an amazing family you have! My family prays for you all each night…and we’ll continue to do so!

    Big hugs and lots of strength to each of you….just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!! 🙂

    -Denise (Gooding) McClain

  5. At least you can still communicate from the comfort of your own home, since you won’t be going out in public for awhile. I don’t blame you. My life is hectic, but I can’t imagine how hectic your life must be… take care of YOU! I know you don’t want to, but that’s the only way you can be there for your kids. Glad you at least tried lunch with your hubby. I agree with Dr. Maze, you need to make sure to nurture your marriage. I wish I could come over and give you a big hug (even though you haven’t showered ;)) I’m thinking of you a lot, every day…

  6. What a amazing woman you are! With all of the strength God has giving you there is no wonder, Ronan is who he is. Strong, sensitive, loving, patient, unpatient, fun, happy and yes even sad, Yes,God made him well. I love you and your family with all of my heart. Sandra

  7. Hi again, Maya. I will be around Saturday evening, Sunday and Monday if you need help with dressing changes, injections, or any “nurse stuff.” Feel free to email or call me, Tammy at bootcamp has all of my information (Daryl does too).

    1. Thank you, Sarah! I think the shots are going to be o.k. It’s the dressing changes that are going to be the hardest. It took 4 of us to do it yesterday. Thankfully, we only have to do it once a week and have an at home nurse coming on Thursday to help. I am hoping to see you at BC on Monday. Trying to get Ronan back into his routine so I can leave in the mornings for a bit without him noticing.

  8. Maya,
    I just recently found your blog and have fallen in love with you and Ronan. Your love story has touched my heart. I’m so sorry that you lost your little boy.

    I’ve skipped around through some of your more recent posts about your darling Poppy girl and her tutus. And I keep thinking back to this post where you threw in this little detail about this little girl in a tutu who kept wandering over to your table at Houston’s. And I know that it sounds like a stretch to say this has any meaning, but there it is, this little incident you included in this post. I don’t subscribe to the “everything happens for a reason” bullshit, but i do think that sometimes there are coincidences along the way that remind you that the universe is paying attention to you.

    I wish I could tell you where Ronan is. I ask that myself about people that I’ve lost. I get sad when I think of all they are missing; sunlight coming through the leaves, the smell of rain. But really it could just be that we are the ones missing out on something we don’t yet know. We’ll be there one day.

    Thanks for sharing all of your hope, your anger, your sadness, and your love with us. And thank you for sharing Ronan.

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