As I sit here writing from my iPhone, I am trying to block out the screams and cries of a six year old boy, Even, who we are sharing a room with. Not sure what kind of cancer he has but he’s 2 weeks into treatment. His tummy is hurting, his legs are hurting and he wants to know why he has to take so much medicine. I hear the desperation in his mom’s voice and know her pain. I’m waiting to wake up from this nightmare because this can’t possibly be real.
Ronan is sleeping peacefully beside me, knocked out from the benadryl and tylenol with codeine. His body is twitching and I wonder what he is feeling. I hope he is dreaming about playing baseball or chasing his brothers. I would give anything to trade places with my baby. He has never done a thing wrong in his life and so does not deserve this pain.
Being alone during these nights I find myself looking back at my life before this. It was so perfect it was unreal. Did I take too much for granted?Absolutely. While I was home today I walked into my closet and was immediately filled with embarrassment and shame. All those clothes, shoes, purses…. and for what? None of that matters. None of that is real happiness.
Once we get through this and are home with Ronan, I have a new plan for how I will live my life with my beautiful family. A new life for all of us full of wanting and needing nothing except for the love of family and friends that surround us. Good night to all my sweet angels out there who are cheering us on. I love you all so much.