Holidays suck without you. I will forever just keep trying to survive them.


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Ronan. My eyes are tired from spending most of the day crying. I know, I know, I know. I’m extra sad/hormonal/outta whack these past couple of weeks. I told you grief and pregnancy don’t go hand in hand. Throw the holidays on top of everything and it’s obvious I don’t stand a chance. I’m not fighting my tears, sadness, or pain. I’m not going to run away from it or try to hide it. I’m going to deal with it the best way I know how to by just giving into it. I also know the holidays are extra hard for me which is why I seem more out of sorts than normal. Your Sparky knows this too. I met up with him today for a while so I could spend some time with him before I leave  for the holidays. I made sure to wear my reading glasses to try to hide my very red, puffy, eyes. It didn’t work. He noticed. I can’t get anything past that man.

We talked about a lot of things just as we always do. It felt nice to just sit and be with my dear friend. He always puts me at such ease with his words of wisdom and those sparkly eyes. He is doing a good job of looking after me which is the reason he came into our life in such an impactful way. I know this. We talked about Poppy and how he can’t wait to look after her for me. He said he knows she will be beautiful. I smiled and told him I knew it, too. He said he couldn’t wait to be her Godfather. She is going to be the luckiest little girl ever with him as her Godfather and your Fairy RoMo, as her Godmother. This baby girl is already so very loved. Your Sparkly told me a bunch of things today. How he feels like you are always with him. He made me make him a promise.

“When I die, I want you to take some of Ronan’s ashes and put them with me, o.k.?”

I felt the corners of my eyes get all wet. I looked away from him because it’s a conversation that I hate to have. The thought of him not being here someday, crushes my soul.

“It’s going to happen, someday. I’ll take some of Ro with me. Promise me that.”

“How in the world am I going to get Ronan’s ashes placed with your dead body?” I asked with that perplexed look on my face that I seem to always have because that man always gives me so much to think about.

“Please. I’ve seen all you can do. That will be a piece of cake. Promise me.” he demanded in the most gentle way possible.

“Of course I promise you. Anything for you. You know that.” I said while looking straight into his eyes.

I never break my promises to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. It’s one of the reasons I’m still among the living, because he made me promise I would stay here and not die from this pain, by the fate of my own hands.

I’m finally getting a break from that blinding sun that was going to make me crack. We are at your Nana’s for Christmas and there is no place I would rather be in the world. If I have to be somewhere and do this whole Christmas thing, for the sake of your brothers, this is the only place I want to be. Your brothers feel the same way, this is their favorite place in the world. Only is it here that I feel a weight lifted off of all of us. I feel like I can breathe and take a break from my never ending pain. You are everywhere here. You are the comfort in your sweet Nana’s eyes, the laugher of your brothers, and the voice of your Papa Jim who talks endlessly about you. Your nana has your stocking up and her entire Christmas tree is decorated in purple, your favorite color. She was also sure to buy some new Star Wars ornaments this year to put on her tree for you.

It is dark, wet, cold, and rainy. My favorite kind of weather. The kind of weather where I can take a break from my tears, and let the sky do it for me. Your daddy and I went out yesterday and spent the day together while your brothers happily stayed with their best friend, your Papa Jim. It felt nice to be out of the house and running around with your daddy in the rain. I only had one little meltdown, where I something I saw that reminded me so much of you, that the tears started and I just let them roll down my cheeks. Your daddy asked what was wrong. It took me a few minutes to tell him because I was to the point that I was going to cry so hard that I couldn’t talk. I quietly told him what it was that I was so upset about. He just did what he did best and tried to calm me down as best he could. I let it work. I didn’t want to ruin our day with my temper tantrum of, “He should still be here.” We finished up our day together and returned home to your brothers who were still happy as clams to be in the care of your Papa and Nana.

Christmas came and went. I can say I survived. I allowed myself a little time in the morning to cry about not getting to come downstairs and see your beautiful little face, lighting up the entire house. I was hiding under the covers and your daddy came into the room.

“Come on, babe. Everyone is downstairs and waiting.” He said as he gently rubbed my shoulder.

I just continued to lay in the bed and quietly cry. “Where is Ronan?” are the only words I could say.

Your daddy said he wished you were there with us, too. How wrong it was that you were not. I didn’t have a choice. I had to get up and do my best for your brothers. I was not about to ruin their Christmas with my sloppy tears. Gifts were opened. Giggles were heard, but your absence was so very present as it is with everything that we do. I sat back and let your daddy and brothers spoil me like they love to do. They showered me with gifts for this Poppy baby. A new GiGi, to match yours except hers is Pink. I let the “No pink, ever!” rule fly out the window yesterday. Everyone knows pink is not my favorite color, but I can give in every now and again. They got her some little outfits as well since I have not really bought a thing for her. It was very sweet of them to do. Your Sparkly called and did his usual, “I’m not going to tell you Merry Christmas because I know you will tell me not to, so just get through the day…” I appreciated that so much. Get through the day is just what I did. Your brothers seemed happy and that is really all that matters. They opened the gifts that your Nana had for you. Some new Star Wars guys. You would have loved them. I wanted to crumble up and die but I did not. Your Papa Jim had to cover his face in his sweatshirt at the sight of them opening your little gifts. I did my best to look away as he silently cried for a bit. I knew I was going to be next so I pretended to be enamored in Poppy’s gifts. I was not. I felt pretty numb most of the day. I did notice the little hummingbird that flew right up to Nana’s window though, in the middle of a rain storm, with no hummingbird feeder in sight. My little sign of the day from you, I guess. It still doesn’t make this pain, any less.

This is all I can write for now. Christmas will never be the same. Nothing will be. At the end of the day, it is all about survival for me and hiding this pain as best as I can from those sweet brothers of yours. I am so thankful for the help from your daddy, Nana, and Papa Jim. I know there is no way I could have survived this Christmas back in Arizona, in our house, without you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’m so sorry you can not be with us. It will forever be so very wrong.

xoxo

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29 Comments

  1. I am so sorry your beautiful Ronan is not here. It is not fucking acceptable and it just does not make any goddamn sense. All I can do is cry with you. I wish I could help take some of the pain away but I do not know if that is even possible. Sending my love to your family and you always.

    Reply
  2. Nicole

     /  December 26, 2012

    Cancer is an asshole for sure. This just fucking proves it! I have no words except that I am sending lots of love to you and your family Maya. xoxo

    Reply
  3. Jaime H.

     /  December 26, 2012

    I love that picture of him, so sweet, his little face! I’m so sorry Maya :( glad you survived Christmas… sending my love to you and the family…xoxo

    Reply
  4. Kim

     /  December 26, 2012

    Nothing but love for Ronan,you and your family.

    Reply
  5. Kayla

     /  December 26, 2012

    I’ve never posted before, but wanted to tell you my heart shatters for you. My little girls and I were watching the Disney parade yesterday and I lost it when I saw some Star Wars guys. I wear my Ronan bracelet every day and I pray for your family to have a good day. You are incredible and I don’t know how you do the things you do. Keep it up and know that everyone is rooting for you and everyone, even a complete stranger like me, loves your family. I wish all three of your boys were in your arms every day.

    Reply
  6. Rachel

     /  December 26, 2012

    I’m at work, taking a break to listen to your NPR interview and read today’s blog. EXCELLENT interview. I like how they mentioned of your anger, which I thought was missing from the Katie interview. Your anger moves people so I’m glad NPR included it.

    After I finished listening to the NPR interview I went back to work and my fingers were slipping over the keyboard. I looked down to see tears everywhere. After cleaning the keyboard I decided to let you know how much I appreciate you and your blod.

    You have changed my life for the better. My kids have a better mother because of you. My husband has a better wife because of you. My mom & dad have a better daughter because of you. I used to be wrapped up in negativity and expectations. I’ve let it go. I try to appreciate EVERY moment. I listen more carefully. I hug longer. I smile more. I stress less.

    I believe in God, and I have to give credit to him for opening my heart, but I think he used you as the vessel. I am not alone. You are changing the world Maya. :-)

    Reply
  7. Glenda

     /  December 26, 2012

    RoMama, I LOVE that pic of Ronan! I’m so glad you have Mr. Sparkly Eyes in your life. I’m glad you made it through this holiday. So glad Poppy got some little gifts too :) #RoPop :)

    Rolove always xo

    Reply
  8. Ileanna

     /  December 26, 2012

    Thanks for the new picture it reminds us why we need to work together! He’s just a beautiful sight full of life. You survived and that’s good, you will help children survive and that’s better, stay strong Maya your almost there.

    Reply
    • Whitney

       /  December 28, 2012

      Hi Maya, I really miss Ronan also…I’m so happy that you got through Christmas
      Best wishes for u and your family xoxo

      Reply
  9. Laura

     /  December 26, 2012

    My thoughts, love and (yes, prayers) goes out to your entire beautiful family. I know the pain holidays can bring when you are missing your precious baby boy, I am in the same sad club.
    I do think 2013 is going to bring you even more amazing thing. You are always in our hearts and thoughts. Try to truly enjoy your beautiful family and soak in all that rain that Is offered up north and bring some back to Arizona. All our love always

    Reply
  10. Michelle H.

     /  December 26, 2012

    Hi Maya~ I’m glad you got through the day alright. I was praying with my daughter Christmas eve, before she slept, for all those people who this holiday was especially difficult for and she pipes in..”Ronan’s mom! We have to pray for Ronan’s mom!”. So we prayed together for you and your entire family and will continue to do so! I can only imagine the pregnancy hormones that can make things harder in general coupled with the grief you are experiencing….you are more of a rock star than you realize getting through each day ❤ ❤❤

    Reply
  11. Daniella

     /  December 26, 2012

    I thought so much about you yesterday. And about how hard it must have been, how impossible really it must have been to try and be “normal”. You are such a wonderful Mama, the love you have for all your boys and Poppy is so clear. Sending you thoughts of calm, warmth, cuddles in that dreary WA weather, and of course love.

    Reply
  12. krispearson88

     /  December 26, 2012

    My heart aches for you. I just can not imagine. Sorry seems like so very little, but I am so sorry.

    Reply
  13. Isabelle

     /  December 26, 2012

    When I compare my yesterday’s morning with yours, I feel guilty. I was so happy, and I got my Rockstar Ronan bracelets in the mail, which had to be pure love from Ronan. It was so sweet, my 10 year old sister got me some jewelry, which was purple, gold, and pink. The tag told me to have a Merry Christmas, and that she tried to stick with Ronan colors. (She thought that pink was a RoLove color) She is so sweet and loves Ronan. Then I think about what exactly you were doing: Trying not to fall apart, watching Liam and Quinn opening their dead brother’s starwars guys. That is unbelievable. I NEVER want to have to open my 7 year old sister’s presents because she died. Even though sometimes she drives me crazy, if she got sick and died, opening her birthday and Christmas presents would make me shatter. I wish that no families had to be sad yesterday because of bereavement. I hope mine never will, or anyone else’s. Sending RoLove and IzLove, Isabelle

    Reply
  14. Laurie

     /  December 26, 2012

    I don’t know how I missed it but who is Mr Sparkly? I’ve always wondered..

    You and Ro are always in my heart..I can only hope each day is a teensy bit less painful than the last. I hate cancer and always will. Fucancer.

    Reply
  15. Jen

     /  December 26, 2012

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    Reply
  16. DreamOnAStar

     /  December 26, 2012

    This post totally broke my heart,i cannot do anything else than sharing tears with you reading your blog but that magical and mysterious conversation you have with Mr Sparkly is lightening my heart and gives me hope for you. Iam stilll wondering who Mr Sparkly is and i dont know if i’d have the answer some day.The strenght you have Maya sincerely gives me chills,sometimes i feel like you can really move mountains.Sending love and hopes for your wonderful and loving family.Feeling Ronan’s love,for ever.

    Reply
  17. I can’t imagine how hard this time is for you. I’m sorry Maya.
    Love,
    Giovanna

    Reply
  18. THE nickname people can’t that just be someone special? Please don’t nag her. Mr Sparkly Eyes needs to be just that.
    Beautiful little boy! Beautiful photo of a beautiful little boy. If mine could see he’s be going crazy… He’s wearing Kodiak’s favorite color… YELLOW!
    Thanks for being so open about your pain… It’s ok to get away from it at times… I know I felt major guilt yesterday… but then we need to get away to regroup and so the other kids don’t life life so neglected…
    Thank you for the stories as well… Hope they don’t ever fade… the pain would be nice to fade but the memories no!!!

    Reply
    • Laurie

       /  December 26, 2012

      It was just a question…a curiosity..wasn’t being intrusive or rude..

      Reply
  19. The bravery is phenomenal!

    I don’t mean with the words. Not to cheapen the experience, especially not for others, but the words can flow.

    Giving the time to the other members of the family is incredibly noble and necessary. Yet still, for me, not the bravest thing.

    The bravest thing seems to be the ability to be true to yourself. To me, I feel as if you are very aware of the situation, and how you need to get through it. That you are constantly reminding the other people in your life. It is brave to be honest, and not fake strength.

    When the time is right, it will become easier. While the other family members CAN’T replace him, they will eventually become more important. Continue to give what you and Ronan both deserve. Then honor Ronan in the best way possible, but continuing to make your work here the best!

    I am very glad to see all the love and support that you are surrounded by. Hope you can just get through the days! :0)

    Reply
  20. It doesn’t matter how you get through the holidays, just as long as you get through it in the end xo

    Reply
  21. Sandra

     /  December 27, 2012

    You are so strong. I am not going to say anything else other than I am so very sorry. So sorry that your light is gone. So sorry that you had to spend another Christmas without him. But you are the strenght of every mother that has lost a child to fucking cancer. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing what has to be the most painful experience ever. Much love to your family. I too believe that the humming bird was sent by Ronan. Just to show you he misses you too and needed you to know.
    xoxo

    Reply
  22. Sara Gutierrez

     /  December 27, 2012

    Hello Maya,
    i hope everyone is doing ok….. i just want you to know that i though of you and Ronan that xmas…….. and how much i wish you couldhave him in your arms.. im sorry you are going through this pain!!!! stay strong… we love you!

    Reply
  23. Judy Stephens Souther

     /  December 27, 2012

    Pappa Jim is a tenderheart!. He is my brother, I have seen his tears. I know how much he cares.

    Reply
  24. Ivonne

     /  December 27, 2012

    You are the strongest person ever, I read your blog from time to time and I can honestly say your words touch my heart, I mean you are sweet, thoughtful and I just can’t imagine what you are going through. I hope you get better day to day, The best wishes to you, your family and all of the love ones. Ronan will always be remembered. Lots of love.

    Reply
  25. Joseph

     /  December 27, 2012

    I am so sorry Maya :( Ronan was such an amazing little boy and I know he is in a better place up there. I wish you all the good in the world, you and your family. You are a strong woman.
    I couldn’t stop crying of hearing Taylor Swift’s song “Ronan”. I know it is still tough to you but he will always be in your hearts.
    Stay strong.

    Reply
  26. Aleigh

     /  December 27, 2012

    I hear you.

    Reply
  27. Brittany

     /  December 27, 2012

    I’m sorry your sweet boy was taken from you. I’m glad you found enough strength to get out of bed for your other children and made it through the day.

    Reply

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