Stupid bloody nose

Stupid bloody nose. Those were the words I heard all day long. Ronan had a handful of bloody noses over the weekend, but nothing that we couldn’t control. Last night, he wanted to sleep in his own bed so I let him. I slept in his room with him, but in the other bed. I fell asleep around midnight and woke up to noises that were coming from the livingroom. Ronan was sitting on the couch, upset over his nose that was bleeding. I don’t know if he was upset because he didn’t know where I was or because of the bloody nose. All I know is he was pissed and wanted nothing to do with me. It took me a good hour and a half to calm him down and get him back to sleep. He was slamming doors, screaming, and crying. I think it was a combination of him not feeling well and me not being in his bed with him that upset him so much. We had an appointment for the clinic at 10:45 this morning, but I called and got us in early. From about 9-4, Ronan had a pretty consistent nose bleed. His platelets were really low so they transfused him twice. He also received some blood. My body physically aches from all we went though today. It seemed like all the pinching in the world could not get the blood to stop. We were covered in his blood by the time we went home and his little nose is so sore and raw. He was so upset by the whole thing that we had our nurse, “A,” give him a sedative, twice. Mimi Kay stayed the entire time with me, thank god. She helped to get me new Kleenexs, and wiped me down with baby wipes when I was covered in blood. Now that’s a good mother-in-law right there;) Finally, around 4:00, it subsided but we waited until 5 to go home. Once we got home, Ronan was off and running full force; despite me trying to keep him relaxed and calm. He threw a bit tantrum about wanting to go and get shaved ice, so I took him to the little place right by our house. I figured after his day, he deserved it. Since we’ve been home, he has been fine. But one more nosebleed and we will have to be admitted into the E.R. Praying that this does not happen.

Sitting in the clinic today was hard. You know what’s sadder than a 3-year-old with cancer? A teenager with cancer. I have decided that after spending the afternoon, surrounded by older kids with cancer. As I watched them, I felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces all over again. At least Ronan doesn’t understand what is happening to him. He just finds it more annoying then anything. He is so fiercely independent, and I know a big part of his anger is not being able to be¬†independent¬†anymore. But he doesn’t get the jist of it.. the bigger picture of all of this. These older kids, understand everything. They understand mortality and what they are up against. I can’t imagine what they must be going through or feeling. Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I was so clueless. I had no idea that I was so blessed to be a healthy kid… I will never look at teenagers the same again. Especially one’s with cancer. Add them to my list of heroes.

Okay… I am so tired my eyes are blurry. Hope I even make sense tonight. Going to try to get some sleep. Thanks for all of you who were thinking of our precious Ronan Baby today. Big huge virtual hug to you ALL!

Sweet dreams, my angels.

xoxo