30 day challenge of mother fucking madness

 

Ronan. The 30 day yoga challenge. I have a friend who is crazy enough and actually did this. Kudos to D. She is crazy in all the best ways. And she loves her yoga. I do not love yoga. I am quite sure, if I were to try to contain myself in a calming, peaceful environment of yoga, that I would go all turrets on their asses and start freaking out/screaming/crying/puking about how I have a fucking dead kid so NOTHING is Zen, NOTHING is Ommmm and I would like to beat the bloody hell out of the Chakras that surround me. I’m pretty sure I would get kicked out of a yoga class, while offending everyone which does sound pretty badass and dangerous… so it’s a little tempting. If I didn’t respect the whole yoga thing so much, I would totally do this. But I secretly love yoga. I’m envious of those who do it, love it, and are better people because of it. I used to love it, Ronan. Before all of this. Now… I’m just not ready to go back.

I’ve come up with my own 30 day challenge, instead. I started it on Monday. It’s called Maya’s 30 day challenge of mother fucking madness. And the weather is getting hotter, which makes it even better. I spent 3 hours on Monday and 3 hours today, hiking/running/puking/crying/spitting/tripping/getting a rad tan. Skin cancer here I come!!!! I’ve decided to have 30 days of hiking for 3-5 hours a day in complete and total silence. I’ve already told your daddy, that it’s 30 days of solitude. 30 days of not talking to anyone because I’m really on a retreat to Italy/India/Indonesia like that Elizabeth Gilbert wah wah wah, my life is so bad, chick. When in reality, your life is freaking awesome lady. Plus, you got to travel to all of those places, solo, and figure your shit out. Unfortunately, I cannot do that, due to having a thing back here called 2 babes to take care of and a husband. This is my modified version of your little trip, Elizabeth Gilbert or whatever your name is. I think I totally have a one up on you though, due to having a dead kid, so kudos’ for that! One of those little silver linings in life that just makes everything o.k.! I am being sarcastic. Because I am in a pissy/sarcastic mood.

So, I started this on Monday and so far, I have not died. I have visions of dying out there though due to the heat/rattlesnakes/weird scary men that appear out of nowhere! when I am in the middle of nowhere!, alone! Rita! I freaking told you I needed a machete! You are going to be really upset if I get attacked and have nothing on me, to protect myself! I have many reasons as to why I am doing this. One being because if I don’t, I quite simply will stay barricaded up in my house, in my bed, crying. Two being because I need to be with you, Ronan. And being alone, hiking is where I feel closest to you. Three being I need the quietness in my head, or to deal with the screaming in my head by talking to Inferno Fuckwad Bob, alone. My head feels foggy. It feels less foggy when I am out, being active and dealing with this grief but in my way, the solitude way. Isolation. 30 days of intense hiking/isolation/how the fuck am I going to get through this? You’d better start figuring this out. You’d better start taking some control of some things. You’d better start because Ronan, as you told Dr. JoRo, in her dream…. “I can’t get to my mom, because she’s too angry. Tell her that, please.” She couldn’t tell me that for a while. She just told me that, last week. She has watched me struggle with this anger. I told her I was less angry and just more sad now. She decided that it was the right time, to tell me the last thing that you said to her, in her dream. FUCK. We both figured out when it is that I hide the most. It’s when I’m angry. It’s because to me, anger is shameful. It makes me feel dirty, like I need to take a shower and scrub, scrub, scrub. I’ve never been an angry person. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m pretty sure I have done/said hurtful things while being angry. I don’t want to hurt anyone so when I am feeling super angry, I hide. If I hide, I cannot hurt anyone with the stupid/mean things that may come flying out of my mouth. I’d rather just deal with my anger and take it out on myself, like on a mountain where I can beat myself up. Where I can find moments of quiet. Where I can scream, cry, bloody my knuckles and nobody has to see me. This is what I am doing, every single day until May 2nd. Plus, Dr. JoRo is freaking leaving me for 2 weeks! Um excuse me! If I don’t do this/and she is gone I am going to go bat shit crazy!

So, this is what I’m doing. I have no doubt that I will be up that mountain for hours upon hours for the next 30 days. I don’t know what I am looking for. All I know at this point is I kind of want to die but I also want to kind of stay alive. I’m just leaving it in the hands of the fates at this point. The exercise feels good to me. The not listening to music, feels good to me. The just being with my grief/sadness hurts like hell but it’s not going anywhere. I’m going to go and join it and truly join it, alone. I’m not filling my days with things/lunches/nail parties/all things I need to take a break from. I’m going to fill my days with silence/dirt/nature/barefoot hiking/blisters/cut feet/sunburns/isolation and solitude.

This is my plan. It’s not much but this is what my heart is telling me I need to do if I want to survive this next month that is coming up. Power through April and maybe it will help you to figure out May.

I’m sleepy, Ro. You would be so proud of your brothers tonight and their baseball game. They looked so great and happy. We all miss you so much. Tonight Quinn got blamed for doing something by your daddy that he says he didn’t do. I looked at him and said, “Just blame it on Ronan.” He giggled. We both yelled out, “Ronan did it!” That made us laugh even harder. And then we got sad because you weren’t here to do it, so we snuggled up together and I just held him and we quietly talked about you.

Your Sparkly said it best. Nobody deserves this. But especially not you. Especially not me. Especially not us. I told him it was you I am saddest for. You deserved so much better. You deserved so much more. You were robbed of living the most beautiful life. I am the saddest for you, always. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

A pretty perfect playday with our new friends and a hummingbird.

Ronan. Monday. Presidents Day. Or in other words….. your brothers get to stay home from school day so you’d better act like a normal mama, and make a fun plan for them like you would have back in the day. A fun plan was made for me a few days ago.

Incoming text message from Margarita: Do you want to take the boys roller skating on Monday? On the west side?

Me: Total awesomeness. Roller skating? On the west side? That is so dangerous. Yes, please.

A plan was in place. One less thing I had to think about.

The morning came and I woke up feeling extremely hung over for some reason. It was not due to the imaginary shots/wine/beer I drank. I think I was hung over from the amount of restless sleep that had consumed me once again, during the night. I hopped in the shower, got your brothers up, showered and we were out the door and shoved into this bright, bright world. I took them to Taylor’s for breakfast. “Table for 3?” the waitress cooed. My brain automatically went to, no… table for 4. Where’s Ro? I looked behind me. “Oh, yeah. Table for 3, please.” Fuck. That will never sound right. I sat with your brothers and watched as they inhaled their food. Pancakes, eggs, fruit, 4 sides of bacon, toast. Geez. I cannot keep those brothers of yours, full enough. They eat twice as much as I do. You would have given them a run for the money though. Oh, how you LOVED to eat. You were always my best little eater. We finished our breakfast and drove over to Rita’s house so we could follow her to the roller skating rink. Or as I was soon to discover, my heaven.

Your brothers were excited as they had never been roller skating before. We entered the facility which was packed full of every different kind of person you could imagine. Tiny kids, young kids, tweens, teenagers, adults, grandparents…. you name it. The roller skating rink was dark and disco colored balls lit up the ceilings. I was instantly transferred back to 1989, where problems did not exist. Ummmm…. excuse me. How did I not know that this place existed? A dark place you could go, in the middle of the day, where the best/worst top 40’s music is so loud that you could hardly think straight…. all while on roller-skates! It does not get any better, than that. Your brothers were less than thrilled. I don’t think they will be trading their basketball shoes in, anytime soon for a pair of roller-skates. I got the two of them out on the rink a couple of times, but they were so unco√∂rdinated all they did was skate, fall, skate, fall…. over and over again. They were not the least bit impressed with my mad roller skating, look at me, I can twirl around skills. I held their hands as we tried to skate together. I did not hold back my laughter as they continued to fall. They both reminded me of that scene in the movie, “Bambi,” where he is a baby and he is just learning how to walk. Legs flying everywhere so long that little Bambi just cannot get them to cooperate. They were both good sports and by the end of our hour there, I had Liam skating around the rink hardly falling at all. Quinn was over it pretty fast and could not wait to get out of there. I could have stayed there all day. In fact, the next time I go missing in the middle of the day…. you’ll know where to find me. Great Skate hanging out with my new mid 40’s man friend with the most epic mullet and Van Halen shirt I have ever seen. Next time I go I am totally rocking my Van F-ing Halen tee so we will match. Great Skate rules.

We continued on with our little playdate and Rita and Dragon, came over. It was a spur of the moment, let’s salvage the day and play plan. It was our first play date with them and the boys were excited to have their new little friend over. Their little friend was just wanting to play with some trucks. “I’ve got some trucks,” I said to Rita. “Come over.” So they did. Little Dragon had trucks on the brain so I led him into your room. Rita gave me a look and said, “Are you sure???” I told her I was without a doubt sure. I practically begged her to let her little Dragon, into your room to play with the baskets of toys that are just sitting there. We grabbed about 6 trucks and headed out into your backyard. Rita looked at me again, “You’re really sure.” I gave her my best I’m strong but really sad smile and said I was absolutely sure. That it would make me sad, if your toys were not played with. And play that little Dragon did. Alone for a while, while Liam built pirate ship legos in your room and Quinn tossed the football around with me. I heard Rita yell, “Where in the world did you learn to throw a football like that?!” I yelled back at her, that I wasn’t sure, but apparently it meant I was meant to have all boys. Quinn and I were tossing the ball around for about 15 minutes when it happened. I was feeling good about being a good mom, and playing with Quinn. I never feel that way anymore, mainly due to the fact that I feel like I am freaking crying/hiding all the time. I was standing in our yard and I kid you not, a purple headed humming-bird flew right up to my face and stayed there for a good 30 seconds. I thought it was going to kiss my face. What in the world? Am I dreaming this? I froze. Hummingbirds don’t come this close to people and just stay there, do they? It’s head is purple…. I thought to myself. I must be dreaming. Or dead. Then I heard Quinn, “MOM! The hummingbird! It’s head is purple!” Just as he said those words, it flew off. Whoa. That was weird. I’m not dreaming. Quinn saw it too. I didn’t know what to think or do, so I continued to throw the football back and forth with Quinn. I couldn’t stop thinking about the hummingbird. Was that a sign? A Ro sign? I don’t know but you always hear about how after you lose someone you love, signs appear. Was that it? Or was it just a freaking hummingbird? I told myself not to over think it. Just to go with it. It was a little Ro sign indeed. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those and it felt nice. Thanks baby.

We played outside for the next couple of hours. I watched Quinn play with little Dragon, just like the way he used to play with you. It hurt/felt good all at the same time. I felt my heart fall in love with this little Dragon that I hardly know, instantly. I watched the way he played in the dirt, destroyed part of Liam’s army Alamo that’s set up by our rocks, played trucks, laughed with Quinn, they took the hose and washed your truck together. Everything that they did were all the things Quinn used to do with you. It was almost too much, but it wasn’t. It’s just the way it’s going to have to be from now on. All that mattered was that two little boys’, had the best play date ever and they were both happy. That in turn, made me feel alright. That little humming-bird appeared again and did the exact same thing to me, just as our day was coming to an end. I think it was your way of telling me good job for being such a good mom for the day. I think it was also your way of telling me that our new friends are extra, extra special. I kind of already knew that though. After our friends left, I fell apart in the garage and let myself cry for everything that used to be, but will never be again. I mainly just fell apart because I miss you so much and I have no control over how much it hurts sometimes. Uncontrollable tears are part of this process. I’m sure they will be, for the rest of my life. I’m o.k. with that. I’m o.k. with the tears. You are worth each one of them.

Today was pretty awesome. Not really, because all I did was get caught up on everyday things that I now hate. And I went to the freaking grocery store, which you know I hate. It’s one of the places, that I miss you most. “Come on Maya! Be a good mom! Get your kids some healthy food and try to cook at least 2 meals this week! You can do it!” That was myself, giving myself a pep talk today as I almost aborted grocery store shopping mission. I pushed my little cart, though out the store and missed you so badly, that I found myself magically transported to the toy aisle where I could not move. Frozen in front of the Star Wars toys on aisle 9. I wonder if Ronan would like this guy…. Oh! A guy he didn’t have! Should I buy it? The conversations in my head go on and on all day long like this. The anger came next. -Maya get out of the fucking toy aisle. Ronan is dead, you do not need to buy him any Star Wars toys today. I went and took my anger out on the Kosher food aisle instead. I’ve never made Potato Latkes before. I’m going to make some fucking Potato Latkes today. I’m going to peel, a fuckton of potatoes and make the best Potato Latkes that have ever existed. I drove home after the grocery store and took the rest of my anger out on cleaning out our refrigerator and getting all the laundry done. I find myself, washing the blankets and sheets in your room, just to do so. Sometimes I secretly think if I wash them enough times, you will come back. Or sometimes I don’t want you to feel left out, so I wash your clothes too. Your little socks are still in my purse. I take them everywhere.

I went on a run tonight to clear my head. I wore my new favorite running shirt which simply says, “Fuck Cancer.” It makes me run faster. I guess I’m still sick because 5 minutes into my run, I started coughing and my chest was burning so badly that it felt like it was on fire. I told myself to suck it up even though all I wanted to do was turn back home and crawl into bed. I didn’t though. I ran so hard/fast for 5 miles that I ended up throwing up on the side of the road. I heard the little voice in my head telling me not to stop, because how was I going to Fuck Cancer if I gave in so easily to the pain of my run, due to being sick. Being sick is for the weak. You were never weak which means I have no right to be either, baby. I sucked it up today for you. I finished my run, came home and took Liam on a date. We went to dinner, where another little thing happened. There was this girl there, playing acoustic guitar and singing. She’s really good, I said to that Liam brother of yours. He agreed. I heard her say, “The next few songs are going to be covers of Taylor Swift.” No freaking way, I thought. Who is this little child prodigy who just made my Ronight? Liam and I listened to her. I held his hand. We both smiled. It was if you were there with us, on our little date. I need this girl, to play at one of our events. She’s awesome. After we paid the bill, I gave Liam some money, a bunch of RoCards, and about 6 bracelets. I told them to put them all in her tip jar. He was so excited to do so. I hope she looks at your little face, looks up this website and something Romazing comes out of this. I think she was worthy of you tonight. Her voice, guitar playing and choice of songs told me this. Liam agreed. After our dinner date, I took your smarty pants brother to the bookstore. My other heaven in life. The book store. I could spend hours in them and so could he. His love for reading has taken off like wildfire! I am so excited about this as I was always such a bookworm. Reading used to be one of my favorite things to do in life. I miss it. Maybe it’s time I start taking it up again. I kind of feel like I could be ready. We shall see. It’s the lack of concentration that seems to be killing me. That and my non-existent memory… the one that I can’t find. Has anybody seen it? I would really like it back…. it’s starting to become a problem. You know it’s a problem when your daddy comes home from work, looks at me and says, “What did you do today?” My reply is always, ” I can’t remember.” And I literally never can. Then I get frustrated, start to cry, and wonder if my brain will ever be the same again. At this point, I’m thinking no.

Much more to write about little monkey man but your brother, Quinny, is looking extra snuggly. I’m going to curl up with him for the night. I’m sorry I can’t curl up to you. It breaks my heart every night. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Please, please be safe. Sweet dreams little man. ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUSOOOOOOMUCH.

xoxo