I miss you. But I smiled though my tears for you.

 

 

Ronan. Hi baby. Missed you today. I woke up your brothers early. Well, early for us since we have been lazy beach bums sleeping in on most days. 8 a.m. was early for us today. I was tempted to let them sleep in as they looked so cozy and sleepy. They had to be at surf camp at 9 a.m. though, so waking them up was necessary. They so did not want to go. The both of them have been complaining that I signed them up for surf camp since I told them about it a month ago. Too bad, so sad, is what I basically told them. They kept insisting that they were not going to like it. I told them they wouldn’t know until they tried. It’s all week from 9-12. I got their cozy little buns out of bed, dressed and fed, and we headed down to the very cold beach this morning. They put on their little wetsuits and before I knew it they were off and running into the water. Most parents just dropped their kids off. I stayed and watched, took pictures, helped them and even got my sweats soaking wet as I was helping a little girl named Brooke, get out into the ocean. She was sooooo cute that I couldn’t resist. It was the best 3 hours I’ve had in a very long time. I was surprised how much I enjoyed just sitting and watching them and I was so impressed at how easily they picked up on it. Especially Liam. He really took to it and was really far out in the ocean with the instructor. He surfed up until the 3 hours were up. I am so proud of both of your brothers. They ended up loving it and can’t wait to go back tomorrow. I saw you while I was watching them. Those two little dolphins I saw the other day were out really close to Liam. I told Quinn it was you watching over Liam, to make sure he was safe in the ocean. He smiled and agreed with me. Thanks for that today, baby.

After the surf lesson was over, the boys were freezing so I took them over to the hot tub to warm up. Your daddy came down and brought down lunch to BBQ. We spent the next couple hours at the pool and the hot tub. After that, we headed back up to the condo. The boys were wiped out, but Quinn really wanted to rent one of those Surrey bikes that are in front of the Del. He has begged for weeks. Liam had no interest in going, and Woody had to work, so I headed off with Quinn to rent our bike. We rode all over the Island and ended up the school here. Quinn got a big kick out of my crazy driving and jumping the curb with our bike at the school. He was cracking up and I explained to him the importance of doing “boy,” things like that. I told him if you had been there, you would have made us do it over and over. In your honor, we took our Surry bike and jumped the curb 4 more times. We laughed the every time. It made me miss you so much, but it felt good to laugh with Quinn. I could tell the day meant a lot to him and it meant a lot to me as well. When we finished with our bike, we walked over to the Hotel Del to get him some ice cream. After our big day out, Quinn came back here and 20 minutes later, he was passed out cold. He slept for a few hours and woke up starving so I took him to get dinner. Liam, once again did not want to go. He is such a little homebody.

I have not had a day like today in a very long time. One where I almost enjoyed myself. Spending time with your brothers, watching them do something new, is the closest I’ve come to almost feeling happy since you left us. Happy, but I missed you a lot too. I know those two things will go hand and hand for the rest of my life now. I’ll always picture  you with us, in everything we do. I know today, you would have been out on that beach with me, with your boogie board, watching your brothers and mad that you couldn’t be out surfing with them. You were always trying to keep up with them and I was always amazed at how well you did. Your fire and zest for life was something I have never seen in anyone in my life. You took everyday by storm and that is something that I miss doing with you. Together, we were unstoppable. I miss having you everywhere with me so much. If you can’t tell, I have a  new little shadow now and his name is Quinn. He is stuck to me like glue and I am really trying to embrace him as much as possible. I can feel myself reconnecting to your brothers again, but Quinn is working extra hard to be by my side 24/7. Liam is so independent, that he is happy anywhere and has been spending a lot of time with your daddy. They are such similar creatures. I love watching the two of them together.

That is all for tonight my little monkey. I’ve got to try to get some sleep as we have another early day of surf camp tomorrow. I miss you more than words could ever say. I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe. I still worry about you so much. I would give anything to be able to kiss those sweet little lips of your.  Sweet dreams, Ro.

Living is easy with your eyes closed

I have no idea what day it is even…. Wednesday I think? The days and nights are so blurry here and it is so easy to lose track of the time, days, and nights as they all seem to blend together. I do know that today is my dear birthday bunny, Jen’s birthday. Happy Birthday my sweet friend. Thank you for being a rock for me these past 5 months. I love you dearly<3 I hope you had a beautiful day.

My morning started off great with my friend Melissa bringing by coffee and her gorgeous smile for me. Ronan wasn’t up for visitors, kicked her out of the room, so we went into the hallway and caught up for a bit. Ronan would scream for me every so often so I would come and and tell him I was looking for Dr. Wood. He seemed satisfied with that answer so I was able to go back into the hallway and finish my conversation with Melissa. After she left, I was able to get out of the hospital today for most of the day. It was much needed and Mimi Kay and Papa Charlie came and sat with Ronan for me. So thankful. I can feel myself going a little stir crazy. It was nice to be out and about today. I returned around 5 to a happy Ronan and our 3-year-old roommate, Angel, who had been left alone almost the entire day. He sat and told me that his parents were never coming back. These are the same parents who left him alone last night for about an hour and when I went to ask Angel where they went he replied, “They went to smoke.” OMG. I spent the next 2 hours tonight tending to him and sharing Ronan’s popsicles and toys. I felt bad for the little boy. A 3 year old should not be left alone, EVER! He started throwing things at Ronan which in turn, made Ronan upset and the two of them were screaming back and forth at each other. Ronan ended up in tears because the roommate said to him, “You’re a bad boy!” Ronan looked at me and said, “I not a bad boy, mama!” I told him of course he was not but that didn’t stop the little tears from sliding down his cheeks. He is so tough but really got his feelings hurt tonight. There was not a nurse in sight up on 3 to handle this, so I did best I could. That floor 3 is a little coo-coo. Dr. Eshun gave us the green light to move to the 2nd floor tonight, thank god! We moved down here after the Angel incident and his parents had still not returned. We are just happy to be out of that room and down to our fun floor with the BEST nurses in the world. They were all so excited to see Ronan and he was just as happy to see them. The 2nd floor is like our second home now… it was weird to be here, but not with our “family.”  Somebody even wrote, “Rockstar Ronan,” on the whiteboard where all the nurses/patients info goes…. so cute that they know his nickname:) We are happy campers to be back down here and Ro baby is sound asleep. His ANC was still at 0 as of this morning. UGH. Please let it come up tomorrow. We are itching to get out of here and be back home.

Somebody sent some goodies tonight and I have no idea they  came from, as there was not a card. It was a bag full of some Star Wars toys, some fun books, Coffees for me…. Any takers??!?! Please let me know who you are… I would like to give you a proper thank you. It made our night! Ronan has been having a blast with his coloring books and little light saber racing car. THANK YOU!!!!!

I’m getting anxious and homesick tonight. Hoping I can unwind with a movie or something. I could seriously use some yoga in my life right about now. I feel like I have a lot to say, but my mind/body/soul is shutting down. Hospital exhaustion is kicking in. I am so thankful for my thoughtful husband and the Bose Headphones he bought me for Christmas. Music is saving my life through all of this…. thanks Wooddawg for being so thoughtful all of the time. You are the best gift giver in the entire world. Hope you all have a beautiful, blessed night. Sweetest dreams!

Extra special dreams tonight to my dear Charisma. I told you all the stars would end up aligning for you. More good things to come your way my dear. I can feel it!!

xoxo