Heart of a mother, soul of a fighter

Anxiety is the word of the night. Not sure why… but tonight I am more anxious than I have been in a while. We had a great day; a beautiful day. We started off up bright and early and Ronan knew that we had a clinic day ahead of us. He was actually really excited about going because he knew we would get to come home after. We had all of his counts checked and got to visit with our favorite people, “A” and Sharon. I guess I am having a little anxiety about leaving PCH to go to Sloan. I’ve gotten so comfortable here and I am going to miss seeing “A” and Sharon sooooo much. They take such good care of us and are always so warm and friendly. They feel like family to me. Going to a new hospital to try to get used to “new” people seems a bit scary. But hey, in the big picture of things… I know it’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m sure everyone in New York will be just as nice…(I hope). How could they not be… all they are going to have to do is take one look at Ronan’s big blue eyes and they will fall in love with him:) Dr. Maze came over to say hello and helped me with Ronan for a bit. I was dealing with setting up our next appointments and as soon as Dr. Maze came in, he scooped Ronan up into his arms and went and sat down with him while I took care of some paper work. It was adorable, to say the least.Ronan was talking and smiling the entire time. He was so happy today.

We came home and Sarah came over for a bit so I could go and run an errand. Ro was fine with having her here and told her she could come to New York with him. He sat and named off a list of the people who were allowed to come. Sarah and Trish both made the cut;) He is very excited to go and so am I…. for the most part. I’m torn about being away from Liam and Quinn so long, and not having Woody with me the entire time. I’m making the best of it though… I’m a big girl and now is not the time to willow into a little flower. It’s time to take New York by storm and stay focused on what we are there to do. I am going to be so relieved when his surgery is over; the anticipation is already driving me crazy. I just need to remember deep breaths and that Ronan is going to be in the best hands in the world. I can do this, he can do this, we can do this.

I need to go on a run or something… Ronan is already sound asleep and Liam and Quinn are tucked in as well. The house is so quiet but my mind is not. I can’t even watch T.V. anymore…. it is so hard for me to focus on it and seems like such a waste of time. I have so much to do before we leave and I need to get a list written out of everything that has to be done before we go. Where is my Marisa when I need her. Ris’ I need you and your HELP!! She is the best at getting things done like this. I usually have no problem getting things ready to go. But that was in my old life, before Ronan had cancer. Now the littlest things seem overwhelming. I think I’d better make a call to the “good doctor” and have him up my dose of my meds…. Pronto.

Sweet dreams to you all, you lucky, lovely, people.

xoxo

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast

I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland. A little lost, scared, curious, brave, hopeful, determined, a champion, a dreamer and strong. A little like the Mad Hatter too. Crazy, funny, smart, and zany. And the White Queen, confident, gracious, and sassy. I relate to so many of these characters in this movie. I feel like I am Alice, living a crazy dream, and I just can’t wake up. I haven’t cried in a few days, which is rare. I hope all of these drugs are not numbing me too much. I want to feel things… but I also don’t want to feel too much or else I won’t be able to function. These past few days I have been looking at Ronan and just feeling happy and extremely lucky to be able to spend so much time with him. His spirits have been great. He is so feisty and has been cracking me up. Last night, Liam and Quinn were in the shower and Ronan kept running in there and throwing things on them. I was trying to get him to stop but he of course was not listening. I did my pretend Woody call, which is sometimes what I do when Woody is not here, and sometimes it works and Ronan stops the naughty things he is doing. Last night when all that was happening, I yelled out, “Woooooody!” Ronan looked me dead in the eye and goes, “Woody’s not here.” I died laughing. Liam and Quinn were hysterical with laughter. It was so funny and smart of him. He has so much mischief and fire inside of him. It keeps me on my toes and I love every second of it. He is so strong and brave. He is my hero.

So, since we won’t be in the hospital for Thanksgiving, we will be spending it with our dear friends, The Kotaliks and Mimi and Papa. It is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever. We have so many things to be thankful for this year. Just to be able to be together as a family is a huge blessing. We will hopefully start his chemo on Monday. Woody is devastated that we have had a little set back but Ronan’s body needs to fully recover from the last round to start this next round. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and it will all work out. It just has to; we have come too far with all of this.

My mom and Jim will be coming out on the 1st of December for a visit. My mom is so nervous because of the way I flipped out on her the last time she was here. I keep reassuring her that I will be fine this time…. I’m on medication for crying out loud and I know that is helping. We are surprising the boys’ and not telling them that Papa Jim is coming too. They will be so thrilled. It will be nice to have both my mom and Jim here. I have a very special bond with my step-dad… I love him to pieces and feel so lucky that my mom married him when I was 13. He is the greatest man.

That’s all for tonight. Looking forward to a very peaceful weekend with some very special friends coming into town for a visit on Saturday. I am so excited about that. It has been much too long since I have seen this dear friend of mine. Planning on a fun Saturday night and taking her and a few other girls to Chelsea’s Kitchen for dinner. It is going to be a very special evening to say the least.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all tomorrow if I don’t get to check in. I am thankful, always, everyday for all of the blessings in my life. Love to you all, my friends.

xoxo