Tag: Old soul

Fucking Hot Lava

Ronan. The days without you are so long. It feels like you’ve been gone forever. I didn’t sleep well last night, despite the help of my Ambien. I fell asleep around 1:30 and awoke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6 a.m. I didn’t have anything of importance to do and everyone else was asleep. I showered and headed out the door 2 hours early for my therapist appointment. I wasn’t sure how I was going to kill the time, but I was restless. There was a little light on in my car that said something about one of light needing to be fixed. Normally, I would have put off this annoying errand for a month. Today, I couldn’t get to the dealership fast enough. I dropped off my car and was told to wait inside. Once inside, I headed for the Starbucks coffee line. The barista was having trouble today as her credit card machine was not working. I sat and patiently waited as she complained about this for 5 minutes and huffed and puffed about how it was the worst day ever. I wanted to reach across the counter and strangle her. If she only knew. I left a few of your Rockstar Ronan cards on her table so maybe she would see them and out of curiosity, she would Google you. Then maybe, just maybe, baby; you could teach her what the worst day of your life really looks like.

My car was soon ready and I pounced out the door to head over to see my therapist Sarah. We had a really good session. She is so sad. She reads this blog so she knows the connection you and I have. I feel like she knows you. She gets it so it is very easy for me to talk to her. We talked about you the entire time. How you were such an old soul. How you had taught me so much in such a short amount of time. We talked about your afterlife and if I ever thought I would see you again. I cried a bit, but told her I am mostly just numb. I told her how I am just waiting for my breakdown to happen as it hasn’t yet. I told her I feel like as I’ve grieved for 8 months now and now that it is over; I’m not sure what to do as I am most definitely in shock. I cried when I told her how I hoped you were not scared at all right before you left. That’s one of the things that kills me most; to think of you being scared. I promised I would take care of you forever and I hope you never stopped believing that.

After my session, I met my friend Pam so she could help me get your brothers their outfits for your service. I found what I was looking for and Pam laughed at the thought of dressing your brother, Liam, up in all white as his nickname is “Pigpen,” from Charlie Brown. Liam tends to get a little messy no matter what he is doing and making him wear white on Sunday should be interesting. We got him some Khaki pants instead.

Once I returned home, I came to find your restless brothers. They were begging for their new best friend, Luca, to come over. That is Fernanda’s little boy. They have been spending a lot of time with him. You would love him, baby. He is such a sweet soul. As we were waiting for Luca to arrive, I was in my room and walked out to find you. I asked your brothers where you were. My heart instantly dropped because I remembered that you are gone. I started panicking and it is very hard to be at home, in our house, without you. It all feels so wrong. I knew I had to get out of our house so I told the boys’ we could walk to Uncle Jay’s to go swimming. Fernanda brought Luca over and I took all three boys swimming. I jumped off the diving board for you and pictured you laughing at me. I saw a lot of you playing in the pool with us and thought about how different it would have been with you there. I miss you so much.

After we went swimming, we came back home and played outside. Heidi brought Luke over and pretty soon our house was filled with friendly people. It was good for me as I need the distraction when I am here. Your brothers and their friends played basketball with your Daddy and Uncle Jay. I sat with Fernanda, Heidi, and Tiffany and we talked about a lot of things. Soon, I became restless and jetted out the door just to get out of the house. Gay called me as soon as I was in my car and we decided to meet for a pedicure. I was nervous about it, as all the girls in the salon know you; but I decided to hold my chin up high and go in for you. You would have been proud. Just before I was trying to get up the courage to go in; Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. You must have told him I was having a hard time. I ended up sobbing on the phone to him and he did his usual listening and tried to give me his best pep talk. He asked where I was and I told him I was trying to go inside of my pedicure place. He told me in his sternest voice, to basically get my ass out of the car and get inside. I listened. I am glad I did. The girls greeted me inside with lots of hugs. It was hard; but nice. I then sat with Gay and we laughed a little and talked about you. She has not told her 3 sons yet about you being gone. They are going to be devastated.

I came home to your Nana, Daddy, and brothers. Danielle was here to to bring me Fro Yo and go over some things about your service with me. I was having her help me with the music and pictures. You cannot deny the feeling of emptiness in our house. Tricia stopped by and I went back into the laundry room to do something. Your Nana was in your room and I as I was walking down the hall, she asked me to come in and look at something. I took 3 steps in your room and SHIT. I turned around as fast as I could. Fucking Hot lava. Remember the game we used to play, baby? The hot lava game at the hospital and we could only step on certain parts of the floor, otherwise we would die in the hot lava. Well, your room to me is hot lava and I forget tonight. I am not ready to go in there yet. I screamed something and ran into my room and locked myself in my bathroom. I held myself and sobbed for a few minutes. Your daddy came chasing after me, begging me to open the door; but I would not listen. After some time, I opened the door and ran out into the living room and screamed something at everyone out there about how I didn’t want to look at Uncle Shawn’s stupid shirt that he is wearing for your service because I was not supposed to go into your room. I then ran back to my room and only remember your daddy putting me in my bed and sitting quietly next to me. He spoke about you and how much he misses you. I cried about how I just wanted you back. All I want is you back. More than anything in the world.

You daddy drew me a bath. It was extra hot tonight. I thought about how you would have wanted to get in with me, but it would have burned your skin, baby. It was a mama’s only bath tonight. I sat and looked for you. I look for you all the time. I saw you tonight. You were in the reflection of my white curtains that I had closed in front of my bathtub. I’ve taken a bath in that tub hundreds of times; and never in my life have I seen the light that flickered on the curtains in front of my tub. They have never been there. Tonight, they danced about and I reached out to touch you. We held hands for a long time. I told you how much I love you. I asked if you were o.k. You teased me with your dancing about and I could just hear your little giggle and see those bright eyes of yours. I stayed with you this way for a good 20 minutes. I then told you, “Sweet dreams, baby.”

I am now sitting on the patio with Quinny. It is so nice out tonight and the air is so crisp. I blew a kiss to the moon and told you I love you to the moon and back; because I do. A million times over. It is your birthday soon, baby. We will celebrate you tomorrow. We will celebrate you in the best way we know how. Whatever that means now. It all seems so very strange and very dream-like. Everything is still foggy. Quinny is cold so we are going to go inside in a few minutes. He is taking very good care of your “Gigi,” for you. It still smells like you. I love you, Ronan. I will see you in my dreams. G’nite my love.

xoxo

Dear Friends,

I know a lot of you have been asking about Ronan’s services this weekend. We have decided to do something very small and private for Ronan as we want to keep things as we know how he would have wanted them. Ronan never liked to be the center of attention. We also had to consider our twins in this decision as everything is very overwhelming to them. We have invited only the people that Ronan knew intimately, especially over this past year. You will be contacted via phone call, email, or text if you are invited.

I hope you know how much it means to us to feel the impact our little guy has had in our community and all over the world. We want to include you all in honoring him so we have thought of a way that you can do so. We will be releasing all different colors of balloons at his service at 7:15 p.m. on Sunday. We ask that you all join us, and release balloons as well. Lets fill the sky with love for our Ro baby. We know he will be smiling down from above at all of your beautiful faces. It would mean so much to us and I hope it means just as much to all of you. Again, thank you all for you love and support, especially during this very difficult time. One day, I hope to meet each and every one of you and give you the hug that you deserve.

Sweet dreams, my lovely friends.

xoxo

An old soul

Ronan had his clinic visit this morning. His levels have dropped just as we were expecting. We are so used to this chemo thing now that we know where his counts will be. What I didn’t expect wash his platelet counts to be so low. They were 10,000 today. WHAT?!?! 10,000 and not a bloody nose in sight? How is that possible? Since we started this chemo journey, anytime Ronan’s platelets drop lower than 20,000-30,000 we are guaranteed that he has the dreaded bloody noses that we cannot control. I told “A” today that maybe it’s due to having the tumor out of Ro. She smiled and I know she doesn’t think there is any correlation between the two, but I am going with what I have been saying all along…. He really is a brand new boy. He was so sweet as we were waiting at the clinic today. He sat and talked to me about all of the nurses who take care of him. As “A” walked by, he goes, “She’s so nice, Mom.” The he told me how much he loved Sharon and Kristin. He is so full of love today and is just so grateful, even though he is feeling so crummy. His ANC is at 60… which means his immune system is almost wiped out. I’m expecting it to hit 0 tomorrow. We will have to keep a close eye on him…knock on wood no fevers or bloody noses. It would be so nice to stay out of the hospital until Transplant time.

I spoke with Erin from Transplant today; she is basically Dr. Adams go to girl as far as scheduling and preparing us goes. She told me to expect to start Transplant on February 15 or 16th. Assuming all of Ronan’s tests come back with the results we are wanting to see. She didn’t see any reason why they wouldn’t, but he has to have everything from his heart, liver, and kidney checked to make sure they are functioning properly before we can get the green light. He has those tests scheduled for February 9th. So far, every time he has had his organs checked, everything has looked great. It is amazing how much the human body can take. After we get the green light for transplant, we will then be randomized to see if Ronan will have two transplants or one. You know we are hoping for two…. even though I am scared shitless at what this is going to do to my little guys body. Woody keeps saying we’ve got to throw the kitchen sink at Ronan’s cancer… and two transplants is definitely throwing the kitchen sink at it. If Ronan’s cancer comes back, it will be because we didn’t kill all of the cancer cells the first time around. Two transplants we feel, will increase the chances of killing all of his cancer.

I am trying to mentally prepare for Transplant/Isolation. I am wracking my brain for everything that I can possibly think of to keep myself and Ronan happy during his stay. I’ve been trying to think of it more like… If I were stranded on a desert island rather than… if I were trapped in a solitary confinement… what would I need?? Something tells me George Clooney may not be realistic. So far, I’ve come up with easy things such as: my computer(duh) my camera, movies, books, my coconut water (have I mentioned that I am OBSESSED with the stuff??) my yoga mat, Ronan’s favorite toys, Art supplies, his favorite bedding, his Wii and PS3. We will have to set up Skype to keep in touch with Liam and Quinn. I am trying my hardest to turn this into something really positive. Not many people get the opportunity in life to just simply “be.” I am hoping something really good will come out of this and it will make Ronan and myself even stronger. It will be a time for great reflection and learning. Tricia and I were laughing the other night because I told her I was going to study Buddhism while in Isolation. She told me she was going to make me a little sign to wear around my neck that says, “Cannot speak,” due to respecting the silence that comes with this religion. The image in my head totally made me laugh. Don’t think I’ll take it that far, but I love her for making me laugh.

I talked to my NYC Miss Macy today. That crazy pants. She texted me to see if the boys’ would like a King Cake from Nola. She is going there on a business trip soon and wanted to ship the boys one. I had no idea what a King Cake even was so I listened as she Googled it and explained it to me. I also told her that I needed her to come stay with me in Isolation. I was half joking and told her I needed her purely for selfish reasons. She told me to say the word and she would be on a flight if that is what I needed to keep me sane. I told her that we would save her visit for when we are finished with this Stem Cell Transplant and that way, we can all enjoy Miss Macy to the fullest. We are going to have such a reason to celebrate! I know Ronan is going to soar through this transplant with flying colors. He is so tough and has done so well with everything else, how could he not.

For now, I am going to soak up being at home with the boy and Woody. These past couple of days have been so sweet. I am thankful every second of the day, for all the blessings we have in our life. Ronan being the biggest one of them all. One of the night nurses that takes care of Ro whenever we are admitted to PCH says the same thing to me every time she comes in to check his vitals. She always tells me that she can tell Ronan is an old soul. This always makes me smile because I have known this since the day he was born. He has always been different; almost like he has been here many times before. He just has that look in his eyes that tells me not to be scared, not to worry, because everything is going to be alright. Looking into his eyes, I know this. This cannot turn out any other way; he has way too many hearts to break and way too much trouble to cause.