Sparkly stars in the sky and all the one’s right before my very eyes

These are the kind of friends I have. The kind who come over to your house in the morning, bring you coffee, insist that you give them your car keys so they can go wash and put gas in your car. Not to mention pick up your prescriptions, some pictures you had developed, all while you put up a fight in which they were not having. The kind of friends whom stop by, bringing their sweet little boy with them to play with Ronan and insist on you giving them a list. The new friend, whom you have never met before, but is dying to be a part of our lives because she and her family have been so deeply touched. The friend whom lets me drop my crew off to play with her crew while I went to my therapist. The friend who let me rant and rave all while agreeing with me that this is bullshit, and she knows because she has lived through it. The friend who drops off boxes on your doorstep so you can try to pack up your life and send it to New York. This all happened today; these amazing woman helped me though today without me even having to ask. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Thank you, Melissa, Gay, Tiffany, Pam, Stacy and Bethany. You all will really not let me fall, no matter how hard I try.
Today was busy indeed. I had a mild meltdown on the way to see “The Good Doctor.” A panic attack, an almost nervous breakdown… I had to call Marisa on my way so she could rationalize everything for me. I don’t know how I made it to my appointment without getting in a wreck. But I did. The good doctor took one look at me and knew I what a mess I was. We went over my prescriptions, the doses, and we had a short but productive talk. I felt a little better after leaving there, but my nerves were shot. I am doing my best but this week has been especially hard. I have been trying my hardest to enjoy my time with Liam, Quinn, and Ronan but the littlest things put me on edge now. Any little argument between my boys is enough to make me want to lock myself up in an insane asylum. My patience is worn thin and I have the patience of a saint. I am struggling with trying to be a normal mom…. whatever that may be. I just want to be the mom I was before all of this but is is so hard.
Woody came home and I slipped out for an hour to meet a friend for dinner. Just what the doctor ordered. We sat outside, ate good food, and the weight of the world seemed lifted off of my shoulders for the hour that I was there. I found myself laughing, enjoying our conversation, and it was just very easy, as it always is. The stars were shining so brightly tonight, I kept looking up to see if I could see a shooting star to make a wish on. I then decided I didn’t need a star, because one of the most beautiful stars was sitting right before me. I made a wish on my friend, the same wish I make 50 times a day. It made me smile. I came home feeling much better about things. It’s funny how certain people just bring out the old me, the funny me, the happy me. The me that is buried so deep down, but when she comes out I so enjoy being her. Tonight was something I very much-needed. An hour of pure bliss and happiness.
Ronan is still in a lot of pain. It’s absolutely killing me as there is nothing I can do. I mostly sit and try to comfort him, get him to take his pain medication, and try not to throw up at the thought of him hurting so badly. I sit back and wonder what it feels like for his little arm to hurt so much. Does it feel broken? Does it burn? Does it throb? However badly it is hurting, I know it is intense. He never complains about a thing and watching him with this is like daggers in my heart. I cannot wait to get him started on Monday for his next round of chemo. I never in my life would have thought I’d be so happy about getting back on his magic medicine but I cannot stand to see the pain he is in. He needs it badly.
New York is going to be good. And I am going to be good once I get there. It is my Ro baby’s city that is going to heal him; I just know it. We are going to get there, get into our routine, and get him better. I know he is going to respond well to his treatments; I have all the faith in the world. New York really is a magical place and I honestly feel that energy when we are there. We always do so well and we can do this. We will do this while refusing to let go of the rope we are holding on so tightly to. We are just going to keep tying knot after knot so we can keep hanging on. We are never letting go of our rope and I am never going to let Ronan slip and fall. I will hold on to him for the rest of my life and I will be thankful for every second of it. I never knew how precious life really was until all of this. It all seemed so trivial to me…. just another day in the life of Maya Thompson. Now I know how precious our time here on earth really is because I am watching my 3 year old fight for it every second of the day. It is so wrong, so sad, but so inspiring. Ronan has made me realize that my time here is meant to change the way certain things in the world work. He is laying out a path for me and I am not sure where it is going yet…. but I am going to keep following it until I figure it out. I love him so much. My sweet little seal.
Tomorrow, we have the clinic visit for blood and possibly platelets. We will say our final goodbye’s for now, but not forever. We will be back to see our angels at PCH soon. Ronan will be back and feeling much better:) Cannot wait for that day. Fernanda is going to come to the clinic with me to work on some things. I.LOVE.HER. so much. I swear she could rule the world. Beautiful people everywhere and I never even knew it. Thank you to all of you who are keeping up with Ro and his journey. We are so thankful for the love you send his way. Someday, when this is all over and Ronan is well, we will have a big party and all 264,578 whom are reading this are invited:) Wouldn’t that be amazing?? I am totally going to get Eddie Vedder to throw a Charity Concert for Ronan. Or Tom Petty. Or Neil Young. Or all of them combined. How awesome would that be?  Mark my words. Done and done.
Goodnight to my dear friends, old and new. <3 Goodnight to each and every one of you. Love and blessings to you all!!!!
xoxo

We live in a beautiful world

What a beautiful day. Today was filled with such beauty I almost don’t even know where to start. First, I just want to say that our prayers of finding a private plane to get us to and from New York City have been answered. I can’t believe all of the responses I got today from people who were more than willing to help us out. We can now breathe a big sigh of relief thanks to some very special people. Also, I got a call from somebody that I don’t even know today, whom I am just calling, S. She offered to let our family use their jet to get us to NYC and was so gracious and happy to help. We have decided to go with a bigger corporation, but I just want to say a special thank you to this family for stepping up and offering to help us. They don’t want to be recognized in any way… and that right there speaks volumes about the type of people they are. S, I cannot wait for the day I get to meet you and give you the biggest hug in the world. You are an angel and I will never forget your kindness and generosity that came from the truest place of all; your heart. So, thank you again; You and your family will forever have a special place in my heart.

I spent the day at home with Ronan and I actually got to cook dinner. That in itself was such a treat. I have always loved to cook and I was so excited to spend the day doing so. Ronan helped me add the ingredients to my beef stew; and loved every second of helping me. Woody was so happy to have a meal that I had cooked myself. He even told me he thinks it was one of the best things I have ever made. That made my night. After Wood came home and we sat and had dinner I put on my running shoes and headed out in the dark, cold night. Oh my goodness. I am so happy that running has found it’s way back into my heart. Geez, all it took was my little guy getting cancer. Sad but true. After I ran the NYC marathon a couple of years ago I started up the “I hate running club.” I have been a member of this club ever since completing that marathon. Well, now I am happy to say, I no longer belong to this club. Before all of this, I would have never ran in the dark alone. Now, I don’t care at all. It’s like I have nothing to be afraid of because all of those fears that I had before were so silly. I know what real fear is now and it is so much bigger than running in the dark. I blasted my music, ran so hard and so fast for a good hour. My calves burned, my chest burned, and it felt good. I thought of so many things during my run. I kept telling myself, every time my feet hit the pavement, it was one step closer to getting Ronan well. I pictured so many of my family and friends on Thanksgiving…. and imagined them all being happy and thankful this year. I know you all are going to be thankful for so much more than normal. I am happy to be able to give that gift to you. It makes me happy to think of all of you and all the beauty you have in your lives. It gives me peace. I thought a lot about New York and getting that fucking tumor out of Ronan’s abdomen. I can’t wait to just get it out of him. I am going to ask for it too. Call me crazy, but I want to see that thing. I am obsessed. I hope the doctors will agree; not sure if it’s something they will be o.k. with but I am going to ask. I thought a lot about all of the medication I am on now. I would like to say a big fat thank you for the inventors of Zoloft, Xanex, and Clonazepam. I never thought I would be one of those “people,” but I am and I am not ashamed. I am thankful that about a month after being in all of this, that I knew I needed help when I found myself locked in Ronan’s dark closest rocking back and fourth crying my eyes out. I am thankful that I was brave enough to admit that I needed something to help me get though this. So thank you, Zoloft for keeping me more steady and even keeled. I can now actually go into a grocery store and not flip out. I have not taken the Xanex yet…. saving that for when I really need it. And Mr. Clonazepam. I can finally sleep at night; peacefully. Before Mr. Clonazepam, I was lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep a night. That in itself was enough to make me crazy. Sleep deprivation can really mess with your mind. I feel a little bit like the old Maya. A girl who used to be crazy strong and could have ruled the world. I need her back to get Ronan through this, and if it takes being on this stuff for a while, then so be it.

Ronan is going to beat this. There is no doubt in my mind. Tonight, he was jumping off of the ladder to Liam and Quinn’s bunk bed onto the ground into a pile of pillows below. And your telling me this kid has stage 4 cancer? It’s crazy to me. Nothing can stop him and his spirit. He must have told me 50 times today how much he loves me. We had a great, fun day together. Tomorrow, we will go to the clinic to have his levels checked. Praying that he can start his chemo tomorrow. It’s time to get this show on the road, people!

Sweet dreams to you all my dear friends. Please never forget how beautiful this life is; even during what seems like the darkest hours. I am so thankful for all of you<3

This is from my sweet friend, Jen… beautiful song and beautiful lyrics. Thanks baby.
Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont