Little seal

 

Ronan. Your birthday. Daddy’s birthday. Liam and Quinn’s Birthday. Next up…. Father’s Day. Tomorrow. It’s hard enough having you gone, but having these “celebrations,” without you is unbearable. Tomorrow, I will somehow manage to get myself out of bed, somehow manage to go on about the day, somehow I will let your daddy know how much you love him. I will love him for you tomorrow. I can’t believe he has to be without you, so soon on fucking Father’s Day. No.No.No.No.No. This still can’t be true. I’ve managed to get through these days without you, but I do not want tomorrow to come. I wish we could all sleep right through it and wake up on Monday. Can’t we just skip over Father’s Day tomorrow?? I’m tired of these celebrations so soon after having you gone. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of an open wound. It’s all happening way too soon. I’m so sorry for your daddy. I’m so sorry that you can’t be with us tomorrow. I would give anything to change this, Ro. I know you know that.

We spent today at the pool and the beach with Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and Baby Chase. It was a gorgeous day out. I went surfing for a couple of hours. The Coronado beach was full of seaweed today. I was literally paddling my board out to get past the waves and my hands were full of seaweed after each stroke that I took. I didn’t mind though; it was so gross and unlike anything I have ever experienced before that it made me laugh. The waves were small today but it was good for me as I am still learning how to get the hang of this whole surfing thing. I stood up a lot which also made me smile. After I had been out for about an hour, I came back in to warm up. As I was laying on my towel, I heard some guys in the group of people next to me talking about how they were out boogie boarding and a little seal was out there with them. I, of course, thought of you. I wished I had seen this little seal today but just hearing them talk about it made me smile and cry all at the same time. You are my little seal. Your name always fit you so perfectly and you always reminded me of one with your playful ways. Even more so after you got cancer with your beautifully bald head and enormous seal eyes. Was that you today, watching over me without me even knowing you were so close by? I think it was. Thanks for keeping me safe. Next time, I’ll look for you.

After our beachy day, Laura and I ran some errands and your daddy and Kasey got the food ready to grill down by the pool. They cooked up a feast and we spent the evening eating and watching the kids run around and play. Liam and Quinn are so good with the little one’s. They were both so meant to be big brothers. I am so sad that they don’t have that anymore. They were always so good to you and loved you so much. My heart breaks for them almost more than it does mine. Watching them these past few days with Cameron and Chase has been beautiful and sad. They were meant to be big brothers in life. They were meant to be your big brothers. I’ll never understand this, Ro. Never. I’ll never understand why you had to be taken away from us. Such a cruel, cruel reality.

How am I going to get through tomorrow? How am I going to be strong enough to get your daddy through it? I’m about ready to start banning all holidays from now on except Halloween, which was your favorite. If I had my way from now on we’d only celebrate Halloween, and Birthdays. Everything else seems stupid and pointless. But so does everything without you. I’m sorry I’m being such a Debbie Downer tonight. My heart hurts and I don’t know what to do or how this is ever going to get better. I just miss you so very much. I’m going to go now, Ro. I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. I love you to the moon and back baby. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Chase and Quinn. Look how happy Quinn looks. He loved being your big brother so much, Ro.

The hands that refuse to let go

 

 

After a Friday evening meltdown, a sea of tears from both my husband and myself, we somehow managed to pull it together and put on our happy faces for the weekend. Time to pick ourselves back up off the bathroom floor and together; we did. We spent Saturday doing things around the house with boys. Lot of quality time just enjoying being together. Later in the evening Woody ran the boys’ over to his parents house for a sleepover. The twins stayed the night, but Ronan just wanted to come home so of course, he let him. Woody and I had planned on having a date night, but it didn’t quite work out that way. I had plans for an early dinner to celebrate one of my best friends, Marisa’s birthday, but was planning on spending some time with Woody after. I met Trish, Marisa, and Danielle, at True Foods for a dinner out. I tried my best not to be a Debbie Downer, but there is not pretending around those 3. There is no need to pretend either which is why I love them so much. I sat outside alone before the girls arrived waiting for our table. All I could think to myself, was, look at all these shiny happy people…. everywhere. I wanted so badly to be one of them but could barely muster up the energy to come out of the zombie state I was in. Once Marisa arrived, we sat at the bar and both had an amazing Margarita together and caught up on some things. It felt so good to be with my little M. I miss her so much. Trish and Danielle arrived soon after and we sat down for dinner. It ended up being such a wonderful evening. We talked about everything. Somehow, those girls managed to take my sadness and wash it away for a couple of hours. I was so happy to be with them and celebrate another birthday with Marisa. We talked about how we will all be together when we are 60 doing the same thing and how life will have all worked out beautifully. I can’t wait to look back on everything we are going through and have survived it. All with the help of my beautiful friends. Luckiest girl ever.

When I returned home, Ronan was still awake but he was tired and ready for bed. I kissed Woody goodnight and crawled into be with my little bug. Although I was beyond exhausted, I tossed and turned the entire night. It was an awful nights sleep once again. Ronan woke up bright and early, so I got up with him and we let Woody sleep in. Our Sunday was spent spring cleaning. Or, in our case I’ll call it, “You’re moving to New York in 5 days so you’d better get your shit together.” Woody cleaned and organized the garage, I tackled the boys’ closets, drawers, toys, my closet, and everything else that needed to be done around here. I cannot go to New York without a clear head and having everything organized to a tee is the a good start to that. Ronan happily played around the house all day and waited for Liam and Quinn to come home. Woody and I were able to get a ton done which feels really nice even though my anxiety is though the roof. I went for  a fast 4 mile run this evening to try to burn off some of my nervous energy. Oh, and Trish, if you are reading this, totally forget to text you that I made it home safely and did not get eaten by a coyote on my dark run:) My run felt nice but didn’t do much for my nervous energy. I came home to a house of happy boys’ playing sweetly. I finished up all of the laundry and the rest of the little things that were left to do. Ronan is now curled up beside me and sound asleep. Woody and Quinny are playing video games and Liam is asleep in his bed. All is peaceful here. I love nights like this.

Liam and Quinn have Spring Break this week. Normally we would be going somewhere totally fun for vacation. Not this year. Makes me so very sad. We will spend the week at home and I will do my best to entertain and soak up my time with them as much as possible. Ronan has his clinic visit tomorrow and it will be his last one before we leave for New York. He told me tonight he is sad to leave everyone to go to New York and wants to know why Liam and Quinn can’t come. I hate that we have to leave them behind. I don’t know how I am going to do this when Thursday rolls around. It is going to be beyond hard to say goodbye to them for such a long period of time. We will have to set up our nightly Skype chats. Everybody seems to enjoy that.

So much to do this week. I am trying my best to be excited for New York because I know once we get there it is going to be great, just like our last long stay there in December. I didn’t even want to come back here at that time. It’s hard; my heart is torn because it feels like it belongs in both places. UGH. Don’t even get me started on leaving Tricia. That is going to be beyond brutal. I’m still trying to convince her to move to New York with me…. best idea ever:)

Goodnight dear friends. Hope you all had a beautiful weekend.

xoxo