Ronan. I went on a little last minute trip to Sedona because I know myself and I know I have needed a little time out. Luckily, Dr. Jo was available so she told me to go ahead and come up to stay with her. I packed up myself and your Poppy sister and headed up to do a quick little trip not only because I was needing a break from this crazy city, but because I needed to see my therapist/friend/soul mate, too. It’s been a little too long since I’ve been with Dr. Jo and my grief. We arrived in the evening and headed out for dinner pretty much as soon as I got there. We did some catching up just on life things and played with a very active baby girl for most of the night. We curled up on the couch and watched a movie while Poppy cruised all around the living room and played with Dr. Jo’s dogs who she was beyond obsessed with. After the movie ended, we headed for bed as I could hardly keep my eyes open. It’s amazing what the fresh air and a different house will do for my sleep as it basically puts me in a coma and I actually stay asleep without all the tossing and turning I do at home.
The next day, Dr. Jo asked if I wanted to go and see a woman she had met who was a massage therapist. I agreed and she said she would happily watch Poppy for me. We drove over to her house and Dr. Jo and your Poppy sister dropped me off. The woman was pretty intense and as soon as I walked into her house, I knew this was not going to be my typical ass kicking/please more pressure/make me scream out in pain because I like it massage. She took me back into her room and sat me down to tell me about the work she does. Yes, she was a massage therapist, but she mostly liked to work with people’s energy and just kind of takes it from there. She started explaining the way she liked to work more with chakras and Reiki healing. Not two minutes into our conversation and I started fucking crying uncontrollably. I then started blubbering and apologizing for crying all while she just looked over at me and said, “Don’t ever be sorry for your tears, or your pain. Those are yours to feel and don’t ever need to feel like you have to say sorry for that.” I just sat there and nodded my head. I then said something like, “I know. I lost my son and I’ve been holding a lot of things in lately. I do that a lot, I tend to hold everything in and try to deal with it myself which I know is not healthy or good for me but I have always internalized everything in my life and then it just kind of comes exploding all out after a while, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Word vomit to a stranger.
She asked a bit about you and told me how sorry she was and how she could not imagine how hard surviving the loss of a child must be. She started talking about the importance of self-love and how she could tell I was being neglectful to myself in that way. A deck of cards was sitting by her and I have no idea what they are even called, but she asked if she could draw some for me to do a little reading on me. I told her I was open to anything and she said that’s what she liked to hear. I watched as she drew three cards from the deck.
She asked if I could relate to any of those. I did a half sobbing half laughing weird noise and told her more so than she could ever imagine.
What did I see when I saw the Guilt card? That’s the one that registered with me the most and hit me the hardest right square in the gut. I kept saying over and over in my head, But I promised I’d save him and get him better. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I let him down. I let cancer murder my baby. I don’t know how to let that go. In my mind, this is all my fault because I am his mother, I should have been able to protect him. I broke my promise. I carry that guilt with me every day.
What did I see what I saw the traveling card? Sorry, it wasn’t Bora Bora like I’ll bet it would have been in my previous life, before I became a bereaved mom. I saw a tired, worn out old lady who had traveled to hell and back. Someone who has been to places nobody wants to go and for as hard and painful as that is, I still continue to walk this road and travel this fucked up journey. My feet may be bloody, bruised, swollen, and burnt to a crisp, but I’ll continue to walk this walk for as long as I fucking have to, until I can get to you again and change this fucking cancer world.
What did I see when I saw the Rebel? Oh, you know this was my FAVORITE of all cards. It was the card that made me laugh, not cry. This card is pretty self explanatory, but I so needed to see it today. I could tie the rebel card into so many things in my life as I’m a self described “Rebel with a Cause.” Seeing that card pulled made my day, despite the heaviness in my heart that has been feeling really extra heavy lately.
My crying continued and I had accumulated a pile of kleenex full of snot and tears in my lap, all before even got naked on her table to let the “massage” begin. She sat and talked with me for a long time and before she left the room she goes, “Maya, what needs of yours aren’t being met in your life. What is it that you want to ask the universe for?” I sat there for a minute, looked down at the floor, started crying- not that I had stopped, and said the only thing that came to my mind which was, “I just want my son back. Please. I just want him back- I don’t need anything else.” She just looked at me, nodded her head and left the room so I could undress and hop up onto her table of tears. In my ask of all asks because the universe was supposedly listening, this was all I could think of. The one thing I know I’ll never get, but I’ll continue to always ask for it anyway.
Once I was on the table in my most vulnerable state, she came back into the room and asked if I needed anything before she started. I told her no, that all I could do was just continue to cry. She told me to release everything I needed to and she would give me some quiet time to do so. I quietly sobbed for about an hour while she talked here and there and I heard her say something like “Something just came through to me, a question of how can I be happy? And then another question of how can I not?”
In my head I said something like, “Oh, that’s just another one of my ultimate questions that I struggle with on a daily basis.Try trying to figure that one out.”
My massage ended and Dr. Jo came to pick me up with your Poppy sister. The first thing I said to her was, “You tricked me and sent me to a witch doctor, voodoo loving, spiritual healing woman of magic instead of a masseuse!” She just laughed and said she was aware of what she was doing. I thanked her because I needed it. I think I said, “Apparently I have been holding a lot of stuff in.” She gave me one of her little smartass grins and said, “No shit?”
Best grief counselor ever and I’m not being sarcastic.
Ronan. I am done for the night as I can hardly see straight. I have no idea how I even stayed awake enough to write this post after such an emotionally exhausting day.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.