Ronan. Somehow, life is still just going on without you. I’m not so sure how this just continues to happen, but it does. Right now, I am listening to the chitter chatter of your daddy and brothers as they root for the Raiders football team while watching the game in the other room. Poppy is sound asleep beside me and I just spent the entire day lost in her little coo’s and giggles. I catch myself a lot, stopping dead in my tracks after feeling myself feel the happiness she brings to my life. Happiness that exists without you here, but trust me, its not guilt free or the kind of happiness I used to have back when your little feet would go pitter patter across the floor. This happiness comes with a very heavy price that never goes away. This happiness, feels heavy as the absence of you is never far from my mind, heart, body, or soul. This happiness is heavy.
Your daddy just took your brothers to play basketball except Quinn who came in to tell me goodbye, decided not to go because he saw the tears rolling down my cheeks. The tears of this is all sometimes too much, the tears of all the other kids that I know who are going through this, the tears of the parent’s like us, who are left with a dead child due to this world that is a fucking crap shoot if you survive because it really is all just a game of Russian roulette. And when you lose, you lose big time. There are no do overs or second chances no matter how loudly you scream and cry and call out your dead child’s name at the top of a mountain because you think if you scream it loudly enough, he will come home. Not home as in fucking heaven, but home as in back into your arms, where your child belongs. Where you belong with me and should have been with me until I was the one old and dying, not you, young and dying while I watched you take your last breaths.
Every single day I take your brothers to school, I drive past the cutest little house with the most perfect little tire swing in the front yard. I crank my neck as far as it will go, to try to get a peek into this little world of the tire swing house. Sometimes, I see the mom coming out of it, pushing her other kids in the stroller. I think to myself, remember when I had the tire swing life. The memories of bliss come flooding in but are usually followed by hot tears as what once was, but never will be again. It takes me a minute to regroup and give myself the little pep that I often have to do. The one of you have x, y, and z and you need to be thankful for that which is such a bullshit pep talk. I know I have x, y, and z, but it does not make this pain, any less or any of this right.
Last week, I was taking your brothers to school and we were running late so I just dropped them at the cross walk. As I was slowly trying to navigate my way through traffic, a lady who was passing me motioned for me to roll down my window. I had never seen her before and just as I rolled my window down I heard her yell, “YOU GO GIRL! YOU KEEP FIGHTING CANCER!” This caught me off guard as well as made me laugh. You see, it’s moments like this when I am so caught up in my “I’m just a grieving mom role” when those little pushes and words of encouragement help me out the most. Sometimes I forget what I am actually doing because all I know is I’m just really, really sad and lost without you. But things like this help me to see that I must be doing something right for this stranger off the street to yell these words to me. I think I’m going to have a tee-shirt made up that say those exact same words, just to remind me that I am kicking ass and taking names and I can do this no matter how sad I might be.
This Friday night is our second annual Gold Party. Your Nana is coming into town as well as Macy, Rachel, Charisma, and your Fairy RoMo. It’s going to be such a wonderful weekend full of all of my favorite people. I am going to do my best to make it such a wonderful, sparkly night all for the sake of you. It’s always in my head that this party is for you, and for all the people who love and support this cause. This party is my way of saying thank you to all the people out there, who love you and are supporting all that we are trying to do. Although the reason for this party is sad and so beyond fucked up and wrong, I promise you that I will wear the biggest smile on my face for the night and hope that you are watching all that I am doing to try to make you proud. I love you so much little man and I will never stop screaming or crying for you. I promise to always try my hardest to make the wrongest things, somewhat right.
Alright little man, this is all I can do for tonight. I have been wiped out lately and my pillow is calling my name, even at this early hour. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.