Ronan. At the moment, I am feeling defeated. And really lost, lonely, used, and sad. I look around at the world and all I see are fake plastic smiles. People who pretend they care, but they don’t. People who say they do, but they don’t. And just when I am coming up to get some air, I get the most devastating news delivered to me since your death.
I don’t think this is my news to share, as it hits a little too close to home. I don’t think I need permission to share what is going on, but I’m not feeling right about putting it on here at the moment. I need to talk to the people in my life whom I am closest to about how to handle all of this, since this is my very open and honest blog, and when I talk on here, it is about what is impacting my life at that very moment. I’m just not quite sure how to handle this. At this point, I am beyond heartbroken, scared, and sad.
My family has been through so much. We don’t need any more pain, but we cannot seem to escape it. I’m just so tired of it all. I’m just so tired of being sad, mostly. I’m learning to rely on my old friends more and seem to be wanting to keep them as close as I possibly can. The ones I can trust. The ones who won’t let me down. The ones who are my family.
Just when I think my days cannot get any worse, as I am trying to absorb the news I’ve been hit with, your baby sister looks at me and rolls over for the first time. She fills me with hope, happiness, and a light that nobody can destroy because no matter what happens, she is mine and I am hers. I look at her, take a deep breath, and watch her little eyes fill with a love I have not seen in such a very long time. Eyes full of innocence, light, and love that know no pain. Her eyes remind me so much of yours.
I spent the weekend in a fog — but a productive fog, like always. Basketball games. Time with your brothers. Family things. I was out and about with Poppy, running errands in the wretched heat. A lady came up to me in a parking lot, telling me her sad story and asking if I would buy her food. She told me how hungry she was, how she had lost her house, her life, her everything. I loaded Poppy into the car, grabbed some cash out of my wallet, and handed it to her, but I couldn’t even speak. She then said to me, “Bless you, child. Bless you.” I looked up at her, my eyes filled with tears, and I wanted to scream, “But nobody is blessing me! My son is dead, and now I am dealing with x, y, and z!” I screamed those words over and over in my head instead of out loud while I drove away into the hot, bursting sun that looked like it was going to explode.
This is the part where I say I know I am blessed to have the things that I have, Ronan — your brothers and sister, of course. I never forget that. But I think I am entitled on some days to scream that I am, in fact, not blessed at all because I’m still just so mad, sad, angry, and hurt over your cancer, all you went through, and that you ended up dying anyway. Some days I do not feel blessed because I am still too blinded by the never-ending torture of cancer killing my baby, and I just want you back.
And just when I am feeling like all hope is lost, something amazing appears out of the blue, sent only by you.
So, I started this post a little over a week ago. I have decided not to go into much detail about what is going on, as I want to be respectful to my family. Nobody is hurt as of now. My brother is struggling with some issues, but thanks to my mom and her never-ending, dying love for her children, he is safe for now. It’s no secret that my brother and I have not had the closest relationship, but at the end of the day, I love him and his sweet soul.
I am begging you, Ronan, to help him get through this. I spoke to my brother on the phone a couple of days ago. I begged my mom to make him talk to me. He was resisting. She held the phone up to his ear and I simply said, “Hey. I love you. I am here for you no matter what.” He told me through his tears that he knew this and that he loved me, too. I then said, “I am proud of you, and I know you can do this.” I hope he carries those words with him and all that he is about to go through. I hope most of all, Ronan, he carries you with him and remembers your big blue eyes and how strong and brave you always were. I hope he can channel a little of your strength so he can come out of this healed and ready to start the new life I know he is capable of.
I am so thankful for my mom for so many reasons, but today I am thankful for her because she single-handedly has saved my brother’s life. It’s up to him now to do the rest, and I just hope and pray that he comes out the other side of this. I know you will help him through it the best you can.
So after my pity-party week of feeling super sad, lost, and alone, of course something magical appears — as it always does when I need it the most. Remember how I told you that the amazing company SpiritHoods jumped on board when I asked them to make a Spicy Monkey Hood in honor of you? Wow. I had no idea what this was going to turn into, but Ronan, I think we just did something big. Something so very big that is going to help change this world of childhood cancer that everybody seems to ignore.
I got a very last-minute email from the founder of the company, Alexander. It said something like, “Hey, I’m in Vegas next week. Can I come from there to meet you?” You know my rule about never saying no to things, right? I try not to anymore. Ever. So of course I said yes, even with everything I have going on.
Do you know those moments in life when, for a split second, everything just feels right? That’s what it felt like the second I wrapped my arms around Alexander and his stunningly gorgeous wife, Shay. The two of them combined are beyond magic. We spent time getting to know one another, but honestly, I knew from the second I met them that I had somehow, somewhere, known them before. Or maybe you knew them, Ronan, which is why I felt so close and at ease with them.
I’ve been holding some things back regarding your death and saving them for just the right people, the right moment, and the right time to do something really powerful with. I have no doubt Alexander and Shay are the right people to share everything with.
The Spicy Monkey SpiritHood that was only a dream of mine is coming true, with 100% of the proceeds going back to your foundation. I am so thankful and humbled to be partnered with this amazing organization. But the SpiritHood is only the beginning.
We made a short film. And a long documentary as well. Days and nights of real footage. B-roll. Interviews from our dearest souls. Not a lot of sleep. Lots of tears. Sadness. Laughter. Honesty. Love. What day is it today?
Ronan, it is going to be so powerful. I held nothing back with all the sadness, truth, and pain that the world of childhood cancer is really about but nobody wants to show.
Little man, I will finish this story — but not tonight. Book writing is priority number one right now, after your sister and brothers.
Poppy and I took the red-eye out to NYC a couple of days ago. We needed a break before September, so to the Hamptons we went to see our Fairy RoMo. I so needed this break. I so needed to clear my head. I so needed time with one of our favorites and Poppy’s godmama. It’s lovely here. Beyond words.
I need to get some sleep. Everything feels fuzzy and hurts. I’ll finish the rest tomorrow, I hope. Just wanted to give you some sort of update.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
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