Ronan. Your 6th birthday came and went. I kept wondering to myself, what kind of party we would have had? I asked your brothers, “Do you think Ronan would still like Star Wars if he were here?” They assured me that you would have so in my mind, for the 2nd year in a row, I threw you a Star Wars party. I clung to my imaginary party in my mind to get me through the birthday from hell that I had to have without you in real life that fell on Mother’s Day this year. Your brothers and daddy did their best at spoiling me so by telling me how much they loved me, what a great mom I am, how lucky they are to have me, etc… They tried to make the day about me as much as they could but I ended up saying, “This day isn’t about me, it’s Ronan’s day so let’s do everything Ronan would have wanted to do.” So we did. We went to a brunch where I ignored all the 6 year olds running about and focused only on your brothers and Poppy. We went swimming and I watched as your daddy and brothers went crazy going on the water slide that was at our hotel. I sat quietly in the shade and let my smiles, come from them. They played football in the grass and participated in a water balloon fight. After a few hours of that we went back to the room to rest and get ready for dinner. We ate at a really good mexican restaurant and we had plans to go and see Iron Man 3 (which you would have totally wanted to do) but your sister’s breastfeeding got in the way of our making the movie on time so we ended up just coming back to our room. We all snuggled up together and watched a movie from the hotel instead. Your brothers let me pick it which was very sweet of them to do so we ended the night by watching “Oz, the Great and Powerful.” Quinn gave it 5 stars. Liam gave it 4. I was just happy they both enjoyed it and it made a quiet ending to a day that I just wanted to get through without jumping off the side of a cliff.
Now I sit here on the 15th of May, reflecting on what this day was like 2 years ago. It was the day we had your funeral or a.k.a. your celebration of life which is really just a nice way of saying this is fucking bullshit that I had to cremate my kid so let’s try to cover it up by calling it something beautiful. Having my baby cremated is not the way I ever envisioned celebrating your life. Today, I pulled out the white dress I wore on your death day. The white dress that hung on my shell of a body and now hangs in my closet like a keepsake or a wedding dress because I know I will never wear it again. It haunts me hanging there and I often find myself running my hands over it, waiting for the ghost of who I was during that time, to appear. That shell-shocked of a girl who really had no idea of the magnitude of what had just happened because I was in such shock and a deep place of denial. I remember your services, barely. I remember how I was so numb, that I didn’t even cry. I remember making everyone wear white and how after everything was over how Liam went over to a fountain to throw a penny into it. I remember saying, “Make a wish!” and how he looked up at me and said, “Why? Wishes don’t come true.” I remember at that point, it took everything I had to not fall over from the pain of his words. His innocent yet not so innocent words that right then and there, shattered everything I had ever known. Wishes don’t come true, rocked my world in the most fucked up way possible. Wishes don’t come true out of the mouth of an almost 8-year-old that should not be so wise in the way that he is.
I spent a lot of today crying and staring at that white dress while I found the comfort I so desperately needed, in your Poppy sister. I can’t seem to put her down which explains the loads of clean laundry that I need put away. Laundry can wait. I’ll take the snuggles of your sister over clean laundry any day. Your brothers are getting ready for their big basketball game on Friday. So a lot of practicing has been going on over here. Tonight I left Poppy with your Daddy for a bit so I could sneak out for a run. A little 3 mile run that I nearly winced in pain with the entire time. I forgot how bad it sucks to try to get back into running after having a baby. OUCH. Everything hurt tonight but you know nothing can ever hurt as much as the pain I feel from being without you everyday. I ignored the pain from my body and pushed through my 3 miles, slowly, but I was determined not to give up or give in even though every part of my body was screaming at me to do so. I came home just in time to see your daddy through your bedroom window, sitting in on your bed in Poppy’s room. I watched as he stared down at Poppy with such a look of mixed emotions on his face as he played with her little feet. I felt like an outsider, looking in on two strangers. This can’t possibly be my house, my husband, my new baby sitting in my dead child’s room, right? A year ago I would have saw this sight and wanted to run away from it all. Seeing this sight would have been too much for me to handle. Tonight, I had no desire to run away at all and instead I walked inside our house to where your Daddy was walking Poppy all about, carrying her like a little football. I went up to her, let her focus on who I was and said, “Hi Poppy!” I watched as a big smile splashed across her face. “She smiled!” I exclaimed to your daddy. It was a smile that told me that we are all doing alright and that Poppy is the best thing that could have ever happened to us since losing you. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. She is still the most peaceful little thing. No crying, no fussing, just lots of eating, sleeping, and love. We all cannot get enough of her.
I keep telling myself if I can just get through these tough, tough days, that I have so much to look forward to these coming months. Dr. Sholler is coming into town on Sunday, so I will get to spend a few days with her and pick her brain in regards to my master plan. We have made some plans for dinner and some hikes. I am so excited to have her here and she is so excited to meet your baby sister. I’ve got Macy coming in to stay with us for about 5 days and you know everyone in our house is so excited about that. Bri Bri is also coming out and so is our little, Rachel. It will be nice to see my favorite girls and spend some time with them. As Dr. JoRo says, “Did you ever know that so much sadness and so much happiness could coexist?” I never would have believed her if she had told me this a year ago, but now I find it to be so true.
Alright little man. I must go. Poppy wants the boob. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.