The days of hell are over, but never really end.


Ronan. Your 6th birthday came and went. I kept wondering to myself, what kind of party we would have had? I asked your brothers, “Do you think Ronan would still like Star Wars if he were here?” They assured me that you would have so in my mind, for the 2nd year in a row, I threw you a Star Wars party. I clung to my imaginary party in my mind to get me through the birthday from hell that I had to have without you in real life that fell on Mother’s Day this year. Your brothers and daddy did their best at spoiling me so by telling me how much they loved me, what a great mom I am, how lucky they are to have me, etc… They tried to make the day about me as much as they could but I ended up saying, “This day isn’t about me, it’s Ronan’s day so let’s do everything Ronan would have wanted to do.” So we did. We went to a brunch where I ignored all the 6 year olds running about and focused only on your brothers and Poppy. We went swimming and I watched as your daddy and brothers went crazy going on the water slide that was at our hotel. I sat quietly in the shade and let my smiles, come from them. They played football in the grass and participated in a water balloon fight. After a few hours of that we went back to the room to rest and get ready for dinner. We ate at a really good mexican restaurant and we had plans to go and see Iron Man 3 (which you would have totally wanted to do) but your sister’s breastfeeding got in the way of our making the movie on time so we ended up just coming back to our room. We all snuggled up together and watched a movie from the hotel instead. Your brothers let me pick it which was very sweet of them to do so we ended the night by watching “Oz, the Great and Powerful.” Quinn gave it 5 stars. Liam gave it 4. I was just happy they both enjoyed it and it made a quiet ending to a day that I just wanted to get through without jumping off the side of a cliff.

Now I sit here on the 15th of May, reflecting on what this day was like 2 years ago. It was the day we had your funeral or a.k.a. your celebration of life which is really just a nice way of saying this is fucking bullshit that I had to cremate my kid so let’s try to cover it up by calling it something beautiful. Having my baby cremated is not the way I ever envisioned celebrating your life. Today, I pulled out the white dress I wore on your death day. The white dress that hung on my shell of a body and now hangs in my closet like a keepsake or a wedding dress because I know I will never wear it again. It haunts me hanging there and I often find myself running my hands over it, waiting for the ghost of who I was during that time, to appear. That shell-shocked of a girl who really had no idea of the magnitude of what had just happened because I was in such shock and a deep place of denial. I remember your services, barely. I remember how I was so numb, that I didn’t even cry. I remember making everyone wear white and how after everything was over how Liam went over to a fountain to throw a penny into it. I remember saying, “Make a wish!” and how he looked up at me and said, “Why? Wishes don’t come true.” I remember at that point, it took everything I had to not fall over from the pain of his words. His innocent yet not so innocent words that right then and there, shattered everything I had ever known. Wishes don’t come true, rocked my world in the most fucked up way possible. Wishes don’t come true out of the mouth of an almost 8-year-old that should not be so wise in the way that he is.

I spent a lot of today crying and staring at that white dress while I found the comfort I so desperately needed, in your Poppy sister. I can’t seem to put her down which explains the loads of clean laundry that I need put away. Laundry can wait. I’ll take the snuggles of your sister over clean laundry any day. Your brothers are getting ready for their big basketball game on Friday. So a lot of practicing has been going on over here. Tonight I left Poppy with your Daddy for a bit so I could sneak out for a run. A little 3 mile run that I nearly winced in pain with the entire time. I forgot how bad it sucks to try to get back into running after having a baby. OUCH. Everything hurt tonight but you know nothing can ever hurt as much as the pain I feel from being without you everyday. I ignored the pain from my body and pushed through my 3 miles, slowly, but I was determined not to give up or give in even though every part of my body was screaming at me to do so. I came home just in time to see your daddy through your bedroom window, sitting in on your bed in Poppy’s room. I watched as he stared down at Poppy with such a look of mixed emotions on his face as he played with her little feet. I felt like an outsider, looking in on two strangers. This can’t possibly be my house, my husband, my new baby sitting in my dead child’s room, right? A year ago I would have saw this sight and wanted to run away from it all. Seeing this sight would have been too much for me to handle. Tonight, I had no desire to run away at all and instead I walked inside our house to where your Daddy was walking Poppy all about, carrying her like a little football. I went up to her, let her focus on who I was and said, “Hi Poppy!” I watched as a big smile splashed across her face. “She smiled!” I exclaimed to your daddy. It was a smile that told me that we are all doing alright and that Poppy is the best thing that could have ever happened to us since losing you. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. She is still the most peaceful little thing. No crying, no fussing, just lots of eating, sleeping, and love. We all cannot get enough of her.

I keep telling myself if I can just get through these tough, tough days, that I have so much to look forward to these coming months. Dr. Sholler is coming into town on Sunday, so I will get to spend a few days with her and pick her brain in regards to my master plan. We have made some plans for dinner and some hikes. I am so excited to have her here and she is so excited to meet your baby sister. I’ve got Macy coming in to stay with us for about 5 days and you know everyone in our house is so excited about that. Bri Bri is also coming out and so is our little, Rachel. It will be nice to see my favorite girls and spend some time with them. As Dr. JoRo says, “Did you ever know that so much sadness and so much happiness could coexist?” I never would have believed her if she had told me this a year ago, but now I find it to be so true.

Alright little man. I must go. Poppy wants the boob. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.


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37 responses to “The days of hell are over, but never really end.”

  1. I am here for you Momma Thompson. I don’t know if you remember or not, but I am the 16 year old girl who told you before about my dad passing away almost 14 years ago. Well, that day is coming up. In 4 days actually… I know exactly what you are going through. (Even though I lost my dad, and you lost a child…) I still think it is a similar enough experience… I am here for you. I’ll be praying for you everyday, love. 🙂 Just remember this: You are NEVER alone.

  2. I don’t know where you find the quotes that begin your blogs, but I commend you on their synchronicity and power.

  3. You are fucking amazing. I know how much guilt you still have about Ro from what you write on here, but give yourself at least a little bit of credit for how well you’ve done for your 4 kids throughout all the unbearable pain. And please remember that through sharing Ronan’s life with all of us you have immensely changed ours and made us better. You rock Mama Maya.

    p.s. cancer, as always fuck you.

    1. Word for word I agree with you, Lauren.

  4. I find it admirable that you have found the strength to pick up the pieces, slowly, one by one. I lost 2 Sons on a beautiful summer day 15 years ago, 5 and 3 years old. I have since had another Son, whom I love with my entire existence. Despite loving my incredible Son, I am still searching for my 2 Sons. The enormity of their death means I look for them everywhere.Wherever I am , wherever I go, I’m still searching for them. It’s comforting because just for a few seconds, before reality creeps in, I can almost believe they’re still here.Their deaths was so sudden and traumatic, there’s a part of me thats still trying to catch up with the reality that they’re gone. On my way to visit their burial site, I always find myself looking for them, as if I was chasing their fleeting shadow. If I could just drive faster maybe I’d catch up. Will I ever move on? Stop searching? No. I miss them so terribly.
    I am eternally grateful for my son, without him, I wouldn’t be here. I just cannot leave them behind.

    I wish you much happiness Maya. Perhaps one day, I too will find the strength to move forward. Although, I can’t imagine that ever happening

    1. Oh, Samantha, I know words are almost meaningless in the face of such grief, but I am so, so sorry about your little boys.

  5. I love how “sadness and happiness can coexist” I have said for a long time that the “best and the worst can coexist” I have told my kids I can be so happy on top of the world and bam! Like a freight train the pain and hurt slam my deepest emotions as I remember loss and it reduces me into a puddle. My kids understand as they have felt some of the loss. Suddenly a memory can hit you out of nowhere and we had no warning and the pain is horrific! I hope your family continue to spoil the girls in your family… 🙂 sounds like you all take good care of each other. Little Poppy has nothing to cry about she is so cared for. That’s awesome! She is so sweet, adorable and beautiful. She will bring you lots of joy but you will continue to get slammed. I wish we all could just zap each others pain!
    It’s so cool she smiled at you!

  6. Charee Harrison Avatar
    Charee Harrison

    I can see why you never want to put down that sweet, beautiful baby girl. I’d never want to let her go….Maya, you rock so hard, there should be a new name made up for you and what you are doing. Like changing others lives like I know you did in mine… you are a beautiful force. Love you Mommy Maya

  7. RoMama,

    I’m so happy that Poppy brings you so much love, happiness & peace.

    I hate that sadness & happiness go hand in hand, and they coexist. Ronan should be here!!! Fucancer!!!

    Rolove always & fucancer!!!

  8. Did anyone else pee themselves laughing when she said “Poppy wants the boob”. Oh my gosh that’s so funny!

  9. Jeanne pellerin Avatar
    Jeanne pellerin

    God bless you, Maya. You deserve every happiness life has to offer.

  10. I fucking love dr. Joro. What she said about sadness and happiness coexisting is so beautiful and so very true. I am hoping that this shitty month will go by quickly for you, with Ro’s and Poppy’s help. Rolove!

  11. I listened to Dr. Sholler talk when she came to CT recently. OMG, I got a lump in my throat when she began talking about NB. I was amazed at what her and her team have put together with their new clinical trial. I understand why you respect her so much, Maya. She is the real deal. A brilliant clinician-researcher who so clearly cares for her patients, and has assembled an amazing team to work on this important problem. You are blessed to have her in your corner. Much Ro-spect and love to you all!!! Forever Ronan.

  12. There is so much love on your world…which I know doesn’t take away the sadness, but it must help.
    Your Dr Jo made me laugh so much yesterday when she realized her “private” twitter Convo with you about vaginas was in fact public. Love her!

  13. I recently discovered a beautiful song by Pink….I think you will enjoy it. A warning – tears will come. It is called “Beam Me Up”

    There’s a whole other conversation going on
    In a parallel universe
    Where nothin’ breaks and nothin’ hurts
    There’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
    Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
    I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me
    Could you beam me up
    Give me a minute
    I don’t know what I’d say in it
    I’d probably just stare
    Happy just to be there holdin’ your face
    Beam me up
    Let me be lighter
    I’m tired of bein’ a fighter
    I think a minute’s enough
    Just beam me up
    Saw a blackbird soarin’ in the sky
    Barely a breath I caught one last sight
    Tell me that was you sayin’ goodbye
    There are times I feel the shiver and cold
    It only happens when I’m on my own
    That’s how you tell me I’m not alone
    Could you beam me up
    Give me a minute
    I don’t know what I’d say in it
    I’d probably just stare
    [ From: ]
    Happy just to be there holdin’ your face
    Beam me up
    Let me be lighter
    I’m tired of bein’ a fighter
    I think a minute’s enough
    Just beam me up
    In my head I see your baby blues
    I hear your voice and I
    I break in two and now there’s
    One of me with you
    So when I need you can I send you a sign
    I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
    I’ll pick a star and watch you shine
    Just beam me up
    Give me a minute
    I don’t know what ‘d say in it
    I’d probably just stare
    Happy just to be there holdin’ your face
    Beam me up
    Let me be lighter
    I’m tired of bein’ a fighter
    I think a minute’s enough
    Beam me up
    Beam me up
    Beam me up
    Could you beam me up

  14. I gave away the clothes I wore at both of my son’s funerals. Or, maybe I threw them away – I can’t remember. Either way I knew I could never put those clothes on again.

    I am so glad that the toughest days of May are over (for this year). Some days are just harder than others.

    Poppy is so precious – so exciting that she (and you all) will have so many visitors in the next few weeks.

    Sending hope and hugs. FU Cancer!!

  15. She is absolutely gorgeous, and you are such a good mother to all four of your children. I miss those days, where it was sleep and snuggles and boobs, all day and night. I never minded getting up with my kids, even when my twins were cluster feeding all night, that closeness made it all worth it. Those are the most precious days with babies, when everything is so primal and true. ❤

  16. You are such a good mother to all four of your children. I miss those days when it was all sleep and snuggles and and boobs and milky smiles in the middle of the night. There’s something about being alone with your baby, when it’s just the two of you in the dark.

  17. The most beautiful pictures!!!

  18. Cassidy Evans Avatar
    Cassidy Evans

    She has Ronan’s lips! I think they actually both have your lips. She is such a sweet, pretty baby. You two make pretty babies….all four of them!

  19. Poppy is Beautiful… 🙂

  20. Maya,
    First I want to tell you (again maybe) how beautiful all 4 of your children are! I am the mother of a beautiful child so I know my stuff! Once again you are inspiring with every word you write. I am so sorry for your pain. Keep being a bad mamma jamma! Xoxo

  21. Maya, not sure if you’re aware of this, but a girl named Meghan Long is pretending to be related to you, and has posted false messages regarding Ronan on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media…she even claims to work for the Ronan Thompson Foundation but I don’t think this is true? No mention of her on your website and she’s just a child. If I’m wrong and she does work for the foundation I apologize 🙂

  22. Oh Maya, she’s looking just like him… I don’t know… I think she does…:) Hugs and kisses to everybody!

  23. RoMama,

    your Poppy baby is so very cute and beautiful! I can imagine how wonderful it was seeing your wonderful husband carrying your Poppy girl.
    As always I’m very touched by your words and your honesty. And again it is really heartbreaking what your Liam said. It really touches me how wise your little man is, even though it is sad this time.

    Sending you a lot of hope and RoLove from Germany,

  24. She is so beautiful.I love her lips.I am happy for you.You deserve much more Maya.You totally deserve it…Love U!!!

  25. Juliana Waterbury Avatar
    Juliana Waterbury

    All this time I have been reading your blog I never realized May 15th was the day Ronan was cremated. This is my youngest sons Birthday and I feel a sense a guilt that you are so sad on the day one of my biggest joys was brought into this world. My boys know about Ronan, I tell them stories him all the time and they ask lots of questions and love seeing his pictures and videos. I know he is gone from this world and it is total complete crap! But that little spicy monkey is alive in so many of us. And next year while we are celebrating my sons birthday we will do something for Ronan. He really is forever in my heart, you have made this possible by sharing your stories, feelings, photos, videos. The Thompson family is a true inspiration to me and so many others.

  26. You are such a survivor, I really admire that about you! Poppy is so beautiful. I hear you on the “celebration of life” thing, for someone who is old and has had their fair shot at life, yeah celebrate that life, but for a young child, WTF?! There is nothing to celebrate, fuck-that-shit-party makes more sense. I’m so sorry. My heart hurts, and I know that it’s nothing compared to what you feel – again, you are such a survivor. Poppy, Liam, Quinn and Ronan – they have the best mama. Sending you strength from Seattle.

  27. Maya-
    You speak the truth…from the heart. You are so courageous and brave. All four of your children are so lucky to have their Mama and the most amazing Daddy too. There are so many people that love and support you…May is almost over, you can do this we know you can 🙂 Sending you strength and peace from Washington

  28. What a darling she is! Yes, happiness and sadness all rolled up into something beautiful. Everyone has some of each. Its just that your sadness is the ultimate worst. I’m so glad you are able to have happy moments as well! The older I get, the more I understand that life is a magical tapestry made with both.

  29. She is such a beautiful little creature. She has Ronans lips kiss them often.

  30. It hurts my heart each day when I pull up to the school and see the kindergarten class playing on the playground. All I can think is “Ronan should be out there.” He should be in kindergarten having a normal life and making your life crazy! I miss him horribly even though I never knew him. Poppy is so beautiful and I am so happy for you and your family. HUGS!

  31. How do you do this every day? My baby girl, she will be 3 on May 21st, just got diagnosed with a DIPG brain tumor on March 6, 2013. The doctors are only giving her 9 months to live. I want to pull my teeth out every day thinking about loosing her. I don’t want her to leave me! Taylor Swift’s song about your little man has become some what of my theme song. I listen to it every day and pray for you and my daughter. I don’t know how you have the strength to carry on everyday. I hope, that when I have to face my daughter leaving, I will have as much strength as you. You are my hero.
    Lara Olson

  32. Carol Champagne Avatar
    Carol Champagne

    Maya, Your writing is beautiful. Your little Poppy is just….WOW. Love from Vermont…..

  33. I can’t get over precious little Poppy! she’s just too much.
    RoLove, always. xx

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