Ronan. We made it through your death day the best we could. I didn’t sleep much the night before, and I even had my alarm set to go off at the time you passed away, just so I could be awake. I didn’t need the alarm because your sister Poppy woke me up almost exactly at the time you left this earth — because she wanted to eat. Of course she did, right, Ro? Poppy knows what’s up.
I did a lot of my crying the day before you passed away, a lot of it the night before, and still a lot of it on the awful day itself. I picked up the phone on your death day for the one person who promised to call and the one person I would answer for. Your Sparkly. I started crying as soon as I saw his name pop up on my screen. I let him do what he does best, which is say a few things to help me get through the day. I didn’t say much. I just quietly cried and told him I loved him. Not many words were needed by either of us.
We spent a quiet day in Sedona together by the river and in the woods. We had a little lunch and an early dinner. At one point, your daddy and Liam ran into the store while Quinn, Poppy, and I waited in the car. Quinn was changing the music in my car, and a mixed CD that I had made came on. The first song was “Ronan.” He seemed so excited about it. “Oh! I haven’t heard this song in forever!” I just smiled at him and told myself to let it play while I sat in the back seat next to Poppy.
It only took about five seconds of listening to that sweet voice and those oh-so-powerful lyrics before I lost it completely. Full-on, can’t-breathe sobbing as I wiped tear after tear away. I am still amazed at how Taylor did the most beautiful job capturing my grief in such a way that it leaves me breathless every time I listen to your song. I love it so much, but it is so hard for me to get through. Quinn just watched as I cried, bent his head down, and held my hand. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get through that song without crying. I could see every single word play out in my head like a real-life movie — except it’s not a movie. It’s my life, and it never gets any easier.
Once we were back at our hotel and the sun was setting, we all headed down to the creek with our six purple balloons and a Sharpie. We all took turns writing on our balloons. I’m sure it was quite the sight — the five of us all huddled together, writing our thoughts to you. At first, Quinn only wrote a couple of things. It went a little something like this:
“I miss you, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back.”
But then he said, “Wait! I need to write more!” It ended up being a novel — as much of a novel as would fit on one purple balloon. He wrote other things that I tried to read out loud, but I started choking on my tears as I read his words.
“I wish you were here. I was really looking forward to watching you grow up and play baseball and basketball. I miss you.”
Liam’s words went a little something like this:
“Ro Ro. I miss you. I am so proud of you. You are so strong. I love you.”
Your daddy wrote his words, I wrote mine, and Poppy wrote hers. We went down to where there was a clearing in the sky between the trees and let our balloons go. Only Liam’s made it out of the trees. The rest of ours got caught in the branches above. Liam was jumping up and down in excitement as if it were a competition. It made us all laugh through our tears. I’m sure you giggled, too.
We had to come back from Sedona on Friday because your brothers had a basketball tournament on Saturday. It was the playoffs for the YMCA team that your daddy has been coaching. If they won, they would play again that night for a chance to go to the finals and play next week at the Phoenix Suns arena. They won the first game. After it was over, we took your brothers and three of their friends and teammates out for pizza.
It’s these happy moments I see through your brothers’ eyes that keep me going. We all sat together at a table full of boys and gave them a pep talk about their upcoming game. There were a lot of laughs, and the talking was nonstop. I am blown away by your brothers and so thankful for how respectful they are. Not only them, Ronan, but the little group of friends they have made as well. The table was full of “please,” “thank you,” “Yes, Mr. Thompson,” and “No, Mrs. Thompson,” all coming from a group of nine-year-olds.
At one point your daddy looked at me and said, “How much would Ronan have loved all the boys’ friends?” So much, Ronan. They are the nicest boys, the hardest little workers, and just so respectful. I know you would have been in the middle of them causing your little mischief, and they would have eaten it up with a spoon.
Your brothers won both games today, Ronan. I looked at them before their last game and said, “Do this for Ro,” as I gave them both knuckles. They both smiled at me and said they would. I sat back tonight and watched as your brothers played their hearts out, and I know it was all for you. Liam had 19 of our 22 points. They were both on fire and so determined to play in the finals. I love watching them play this game so much. I love watching your daddy coach them. He is amazing at it and is the reason they have become such good little players. He works so hard with them to make them the best players they can be. It makes me so proud of all three of them.
I remember when you were so little and so freakishly coordinated at such a young age, how your daddy would talk about how he couldn’t wait to coach your teams. You would have been such an amazing athlete. Our mini Pat Tillman, as we used to say. I’m sorry, buddy. So very sorry.
It’s late. As soon as your brothers’ game ended, we headed home to get our things so we could go to Tucson. We didn’t want to spend your birthday tomorrow sitting around our house being sad. So we are taking your brothers to a resort that has one of the biggest water slides in all of Arizona. We will let them run around and be crazy for you tomorrow. We will all do our best to celebrate you by doing something you would have loved. Your brothers are very excited about doing this for you.
I will do my best to put on my bravest smile to get through the day. I have a feeling your little sister will help me out. She seems to have a knack for this already. She is already helping me so much just by being here and making me feel like I have a tiny piece of you back. Thank you so much for her, Ro.
Happy almost sixth birthday, my spicy little monkey. I love you so much. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
xoxo
P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms out there. I hope you have a beautiful day tomorrow, and I know you all know how lucky you are. Please don’t ever forget that.
To all of my moms out there who are in my shoes, I know tomorrow will be rough, and for that I am so sorry. I wish you a day full of gentleness, just to get through it. Just getting through the day is something to be proud of. Here is a little lesson I have learned after going through something like this: days like tomorrow will never get any easier. Ever.
So on a day like Mother’s Day, when it is supposed to be all about us, take this one day and stop trying to please other people. Take this one day and acknowledge your grief. Don’t apologize for it. Do what would make you the happiest on this day. For me, tomorrow isn’t about me, and that makes me happy. I would much rather spend the day celebrating my Ronan through the eyes of Liam, Quinn, and Poppy with my amazing husband.
And you know what? If tomorrow comes and I decide I can’t get out of bed and do a thing, I know I am surrounded by the people who love me most in the world, and they will be okay with that. I have learned that surrounding yourself with people who have no expectations of you is the best way to get through these holidays that are so bloody hard now.
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