Yesterday, I ended Valentine’s Day just as I should have. By barfing all over myself in the car.


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Ronan. I am a high functioning sad person. At least that is what I told my agent, Nena today when she texted me to ask how I was doing. She responded with, “High functioning sad… Boom! Keep writing!” That made me laugh. I also love that my agent checked in on me and she knows with me she is never going to get the easy answer which is, “I’m doing fine! How are you?” She knows with me I will always bluntly tell her how I really am doing. Today, I am sad but as I said before I am a high functioning person who is sad. I am not a sad person who stays in bed all day. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but for me, if I stay in bed, I die. I know this. I am a sad person who makes a choice not to stay in bed and die. I choose to wear my lip gloss and go on about my day, the best I can. Even if that means I only make it to the grocery store and Target to take care of the things we need around the house. To me, even those days are victories.

Today was indeed a day of accomplishments. I’ve slowly started to get some things ready for Poppy. I have had a hard time, preparing for Poppy at all. I don’t have a nursery done. I don’t even have a room for her. I put the kabash on all of that for fear of jinxing myself. I was thinking that I was crazy, but come to find out, this is the way a lot of my jewish friends do things too! Many of them don’t allow anything in the house until after the arrival of the baby. So I’m not crazy at all! I’ve just decided to take the jewish route on all of this. My friend, Sarah Y asked this of me in the very beginning of my pregnancy. For me, it makes sense and I was happy to follow her advice. Having everything ready for Poppy before she gets here hasn’t sat well with me at all. Call it being superstitious, but I think at this point in my life I’m just listening to what feels right. As I said earlier, I’ve slowly started to get some basic things ready. Today, I went to see my friend Katie and she helped me order Poppy’s infant seat and stroller. I’ve been stressing about this for weeks and it was nice to get it done today. For now, I just need to take care of the basics. Although the basics do not include the Poppy rain coat and purple leopard print Ugg baby boots that Rachel and I found in NYC last week… but seriously, who could pass those up? I don’t even care that we live in Arizona and the rain coat won’t even fit her until she is one. I might have squealed out loud when we found both of those things;) Best dressed Poppy girl for sure;)

After I got the stroller taken care of, I went to meet my friend, Melissa for a quick coffee so we could catch up. She had sent me a text this morning after reading my blog and it simply said, “Here for you.” I know she is always here for me. She has been from the first time I met her right when you were diagnosed. Her text meant the world to me though. Truly. She is always there for me without judgment, but careful advice instead. That is a very fine line to walk, but she always does it so gracefully with me. I am so very blessed to call her my friend. We caught up with a quick coffee and then I ran to meet Fernanda and Stacy for lunch. See, I told you I am a high functioning sad person! Look at all the people I saw today that I know a year ago I would have hidden from! The 3 of us caught up on some foundation things, life things, Poppy things, hot doctor things;);) etc…. Fernanda had her hand on my Poppy belly for most of our lunch. Your sister is already so feisty! I swear she is kicking, moving, punching, and dancing inside of me all the time. There does not seem to be much quiet time with her at all. She must be trying to prepare me for what’s to come. You know I will love every second of whatever your baby sister throws my way. Just as we were wrapping up lunch, Stacy looked at me and asked if I was alright. You know the answer to that, Ronan. I sat with my friends, told them no, and cried at the restaurant table. It’s nothing new. Crying in restaurants is pretty much a given now. I parted ways with my dear friends, thankful for them as always. I am truly blessed in that aspect of my life.

I started this a few days ago. Too much has happened for me to remember which is why I hate taking a break from writing. I don’t want to take breaks from my writing, but lately I am just so tired it’s all I can do just get through my day. This last trimester of being pregnant has me wiped out and that’s an understatement. I spent yesterday, Thursday, or some may have called it Valentine’s Day, doing some things for you. I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I’m pretty sure I went off about it on here last year, but as of now, I just don’t have the energy to do so. I renamed yesterday, “Happy Cupcake Day!” due to your love of cupcakes. I took some down to the clinic at PCH, just like we used to do on this “holiday,” when you were here. I saw some of your favorite peeps and caught up with them for a bit. Mostly your Sharon who I always love to visit and I miss so much. She was always so good to you. I left the clinic and went to spend some time with our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I made sure to bring two cupcakes from you of course and we sat and ate them together. Not before I took my cupcake, smashed it into his, and said, “Cheers to Ronan!” We sat for a while and caught up while your Poppy sister was going crazy in my belly the entire time. We sat and laughed about that and I made him feel her moving all about. I am obsessed with feeling your Poppy sister. I also love it when everyone around me touches my belly as well. I welcome it with open arms as it makes me smile. I talked to him about some other things that have been bothering me in my head. My over analytical mind. He called me eccentric and told me that I am not crazy like I often refer to myself. I ended our day with my usual, “Where do you think Ronan is question?” that I’ve probably asked him 50 times before. It’s mostly always the same answer. I just like to hear him tell me over and over again, because it gives me a little peace of mind. At the end of his answer he always tells me you are still around me, you are smiling and saying, “Look at my amazing mom and all the good she is doing in this world.” He promises me I will see you again. I believe him.

I picked up your brothers early from school. Spent some time with them and took them to basketball practice. On my drive home, I literally threw up all over myself in the car. Seemed like a pretty fitting way to end Valentine’s Day a.k.a. stupidest day ever. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t need one day a year to have shoved down my throat of why I love the people in my life so much so and why I should show them my love by buying commercialized crap. I am thankful for the people I love, every single day. Even on the days that I hurt so much. Your daddy is the same way, Ronan. I am told every single day how much he loves me and he does not need to go out and buy me some fancy jewelry to prove his love for me. At the end of the day, fancy jewelry will not save your sick child. At the end of the day, fancy jewelry is not fucking important. And if your daddy would have come home with flowers, he would have been punched. He knows this. You know what he got me, Ronan? A beautiful picture of you and he let me sleep alone in my bed for the night because that is what I asked him to do, due to me being sick with an awful cold/not wanting to get him sick. He would have done this on any day, not just because it was Valentine’s Day. In my head, your daddy brings me flowers every single day of the week. That is a true man right there.

Now it’s today. Today where I had an ultra sound. Today where I got to see your Poppy sister with her massive amounts of hair, full Ronan lips, fat cheeks, long legs, head down, getting ready for her arrival into this world and all I could think about is what I have been obsessing about for weeks now. How am I going to do this, without Ronan here? I can’t stop thinking about the picture I have in my head of watching Liam and Quinn walk into the room to see your Poppy sister and you are not there with them. I left my ultrasound and popped over to see Dr. JoRo where we sat and looked at her pictures and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for pretty much the entire hour and a half that I was there. I sobbed and talked. She listened, asked questions, make me do some mental work, and I listened to her as she rubbed my feet. (best therapist ever! no drugs, just feet rubs;) We sat while she rubbed my belly, left her hands there for a good 5 minutes while your Poppy sister moved all about. I watched the tears run down Dr. Jo’s cheeks as she felt your sister. She said she didn’t think she had felt a baby move about since she had her own baby boy about 17 years ago. That made the special Poppy time with her even more amazing. We talked about a birth plan and what that will look like for me. We talked about in which ways I will bring you with me. So much to do. So much to think about that my head is spinning. I am so thankful for her love, support, and guidance. I’m home now. Still crying up a storm. Exhausted from the day/head-cold/being pregnant/lack of sleep.

This is all I can write for now. More on my Dr. JoRo stuff to come. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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31 thoughts on “Yesterday, I ended Valentine’s Day just as I should have. By barfing all over myself in the car.

  1. tori

    Hugs and love to you, sweet Mama Maya. I decluttered my office bulletin board this week and put Ronan’s purple Rockstar bracelet (that I got from Flipped Bird) right above my computer screen so I can see it everyday…and tell people about Ro when they come by my desk and see it. I’m so sorry…Ronan should be here to hold and kiss sweet Poppy on her birthday. I was thinking if you the other day when I read an article about how a baby’s cells stay in the mommy’s bloodstream even after delivery for many years.. and subsequent babies blood will also be mixed with those cells. There’s got to be something to it. Love you!

  2. deanlv

    Maya,

    I think that I am in the majority when I say that we miss your writing everyday as well. Not that we don’t understand, but I am sure that I am not the only one that can’t help but check you and Ro’s blog multiple times every day.

    seeing the image of Poppy so reminds me of my youngest boy. The 3D imaging is so remarkable that it makes you get attached that much more before you make your official introduction to each other.

    I also agree with your Mr. Sparkly Eyes in that you are doing wonderful things that touch so many others that you will never know about or meet. And also that Ronan is, and always will be, around you smiling.

    Happy Belated Cupcake Day!

    1. Charee Harrison

      I soooo miss her everyday writing. I get withdrawals from this sweet family, and Mayas amazing writing. Love you momma, thinking and praying you have a painless 3rd trimester and a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

  3. Lili

    Mama Maya,
    Ronan came to visit me in my dreams last night. He was such a cutie. We talked about my growing baby and funny enough he suggested I name her Maya (although, I don’t know if it is a boy or girl –too soon). I woke up with the biggest smile and went to check on my daughter Olivia sleeping next door.
    You are an amazing mama! I admire you and all the work you are doing for the kids and Ronan.
    Lastly, I think baby Poppy looks so much like Ronan in this ultrasound pic. Don’t you think?
    Hope you can rest a bit tonight.
    Xoxo

  4. Michelle H.

    Thanks always for sharing…I’ll really be praying for you and your family as the day you get to meet sweet Poppy is quickly approaching (crazy how that happens!) Big hugs to you! ❤❤❤

  5. Melissa V

    Look at beautiful Poppy. I can only imagine the sadness that you must feel engulfed by each and every day. I miss you when you are quiet here and while it makes me worry even more, I know that you must take care of yourself, Poppy girl, Liam, Quinn, Woody, and Ro…big job Mama. Love to you and your crew always.

  6. Shawna

    Wow! Poppy looks so much like Ronan. I’m so sorry your beautiful boy isn’t physically with you right now, and I do agree with Sparkly… You absolutely will see your monkey again.

  7. Shelley Adelson

    Maya I think you are amazing but tonight I’m saying “go woody” !!!! He is amazing and you and the boys are blessed!!!!
    Stay strong!!! Praying for you all xoxo

  8. alibeeee

    Hugs and kisses to you and Poppy. She won’t need a nursery as soon as she is born…just her mama. All that stuff can wait (plus I’m pretty sure you’ll be inundated with gifts from your lovies). Love is all you need xo

  9. Chelsea

    That picture of poppy made my day, she looks so much like Ro 🙂 I’m so proud of your high functioning sadness, it is a constant inspiration to all of us!

  10. Glenda

    RoMama,

    Hope you’re feeling better!
    Popstar looks like Rockstar!
    Beautiful like her mama and spicy Ro!
    Rolove always
    XO

  11. Sarah

    Maya,
    I am not a religious person in any sense of the word, I am certainly not a member of the church the following quote was taken from. However, I love this picture and quote and thought of your little Poppy and Ronan. He will be right there beside her as he has been beside you.

  12. O'Sullivan

    Sometimes I wonder how you truly feel about constantly being called amazing. You strike me as a mom who thinks the only amazing thing about herself is that her heart is still beating when it should have stopped from being so broken. I also think that anything amazing that you accomplish is always followed by a “I’d rather just have my son back.” I can’t imagine being thrown into a life where everything good that happens is bittersweet. I think you are one of a few that is able to articulate how catastrophic pediatric cancer is.

    I also think you’re not only raising a lot more awareness, but your writings give people a little taste of what it would feel like if it happened to them. It’s really hard to shake the sadness I feel after reading your posts. When people are feeling personally affected, they are more likely to do something to change the problem.

    I truly believe you are writing one of the most beautiful love stories to ever be written because it’s so pure. And out of everything you’ve written or the videos you’ve shared, the most remarkable account is when you and Ronan got on the hospital elevator and he out of the blue said, “I love you.” That “I love you” seemed to me to be a thank you for being a mom whose sole existence is to make sure I’m safe, happy and loved and she’d fall on a sword trying to make that happen. It’s like he just knew and that was his 3 year old way of telling you. I think you knew it to.

    Anyway, I just want you to know that when your supporters call you amazing, it’s not lost on us that no one should have to be your kind of amazing. You’re crawling on your hands and knees through a fiery hell to get out. And you’re doing it because of the love you have for Ronan, your twins, your daughter, other children with cancer and children that don’t have it yet but will. I hope you telling your story is helping build a army of advocates and activists for pediatric cancer.

  13. Anne

    Wow. Her ultrasound picture does look a lot like Ronan’s face. I can’t imagine losing a child and living with a permanent lump in my throat, because I feel that I would react just like you are. I am hoping though that this baby girl of yours bring you joy that you never imagined you could feel again. Lots of love from a fellow mama.

  14. Bobbie

    I love a good quote and yesterday I heard one that made me think of you. It’s from the movie “The best exotic Marigold Hotel”. It was: “Everything will be all right in the end and if it’s not all right, then it’s not yet the end.” That’s one I’m going to keep with me. My struggles and frustrations are certainly far less than yours, but I understand high functioning sad.

  15. Brittany

    Wow! It’s usually so difficult to actually make out what a baby looks like through ultrasound, but little Poppy really does look so much like Ronan. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your little boy, I can’t imagine the hurt. Love from Canada. ❤

  16. climbingupthepolkadottree

    I sit here… again feeling so much of what you feel… strange to have never met you. I must be on a mission tonjght… i have my ‘mads ‘ playlist on, reading blogs and wishing i could have my lovely back… that my family was complete and normalish… that my world had real joy… simple joy…. love to read… love to see updates of your poppy

  17. Patty

    Thanks for your blunt way of putting things.Thanks for being such a wonderful lady and mother . I am a mother of 3 and we almost lost our son. It really put life into perspective when you hear how little the problems that you are dealing with compared to a defenseless child against cancer . Again Thank You. May God Bless You and your Family

  18. Emma

    Poppy looks so much like Ro, she she will be perfect … like ronan was !
    You’re amazing Romama, we all love yo so much !

    FU CANCER

  19. Toshia

    If you don’t have time or energy to write each night how about doing a video diary, you can save it or delete it but at least it will give you the chance to get some of your emotions out to Ronan and the universe so you don’t have to bottle them up for so long.

  20. amourningmom

    Love the belly pictures! I am one of those superstitious people that don’t get everything ready for babies. I am also Jewish and have buried 2 sons so that might have something to do with it as well.

    I did go shopping beforehand but then my friends and family picked the things up from the store after all was well. There are no rules here – do whatever you can handle. I know there will be lots of people to help. Sending hope and hugs.

    FU CANCER!!

  21. Ricky

    When I read your blog posts I shed a tear. My aunt passed away from cancer aswell and it sadend me because my parents wasn’t there for me when I was younger but she was . She took care of me and she loved me and cared for me. Anyway all of a sudden her life was taken away from her. She was a great human being and a great role model. I loved her and I still do lover her. Its funny how sometimes the nicest, generous, loving human beings on this Earth can get diagnosed by such a horrible thing ! With what happend with my aunt ,your ronan and many other people I’ve learnt that death never comes at the right time, doesn’t matter if your healthy or sick , young or old or even if your ready to die . Death always comes like a thief.
    Maya stay strong ! What your doing is great and Ronan will be so proud of you and this orginiastion. You have left your fingerprint on the world and through all the things you have gone through , I’m glad that you still find the urge and courage to help and inform others going through the same thing ! As Taylor Swift once said ” No matter what happens in life, be good to people.Being good to people is a wonderfull legacy to leave behind”
    Be strong and stay strong. Poppy looks so much like Ronan in the ultrasound pictures. Xxx

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