Yesterday, I put on some red lipstick and signed a contract.


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Ronan. I am feeling better than I was a few days ago. Today, I’m actually having a day where I don’t feel like dying. I have slept pretty well the past couple of nights so I am thinking that might be helping me out a little. Yesterday, I mostly just rested. As much as I hate the days where I have to take it easy… I know I don’t have a choice with this Poppy baby growing in my belly. My little hospital stint was enough to make me take it easy for a couple of days. It’s not just myself I have to worry about and take care of. I have this little life inside of me as well that I have to keep safe. So for her, I will slow down and listen to my body when I need to.

Guess what?! I can finally talk about one of the many things that I have been working on. I have kept this pretty hush hush mainly because I didn’t want to jinx myself, but now that things are getting started, I am excited to talk about my news. A few months ago, I got a little email that caught my eye. It was from someone named Alex and he wanted to know if I had been approached by anyone about writing a book. He is an author himself, and said he had read my blog and was so very moved by our story. He asked me to reach out to him if this was an idea I was willing to explore. I have been talking about this idea with a few people for a good 8 months. Mainly our Fairy RoMo. We had a long conversation about the whole book thing way back when we hijacked that mystery train to nowhere last winter when I was in NYC. It has been something that has been in the back of my mind for a very long time… but you know me and how I am about reaching out to ask things from people. I fucking hate it. I didn’t want to have to pitch our sell or story to anyone. I felt like the story of you and our love is too precious for me to go around selling. So I didn’t. The funny thing is, I had been working on a proposal to send our Fairy RoMo about 3 days before I was contacted by Alex. I sat and tried to write about us, and why this story deserves to be heard. I got about 2 paragraphs done. It wasn’t coming naturally to me so I just stopped because it wasn’t working. Then, the magical email from Alex appeared. The timing of his email was something that I felt was a little gift from you. There was no other way to explain it. I sent it to our Fairy RoMo. We googled him. He turned out to be really legit in the literary world. I traded emails back and fourth with Alex. We had a phone conversation. I told him I wanted to come out to New York to meet him, just to make sure I liked him if we were going to be working together. I grabbed Stacy to come with me on the trip because I knew I would need an outsiders opinion. We set up a dinner with Alex so we could meet him and get a feel for him. Dinner consisted of me, your Fairy RoMo, Stacy and Alex. We talked about this book and what it could look like. I knew within minutes of meeting Alex, that I really liked him. Stacy and Fairy RoMo felt the same way. We left the dinner excited about what was to come. The next month or so Alex and I worked on putting together a proposal for this book. After a few go’s, it finally got to the point where we felt it was good for others to have a look at. It is really hard to get a literary agent, but because Alex is already established in this world, he put me in contact with the people he knows. They talked to Alex and listened to our story and agreed to take me on as a client.

After going back and forth with them over the contract, finally, I signed it yesterday and I am the newest client of Dupree Miller & Associates. My agent’s name is Nena and from what I can tell, she is just the little spitfire we need on our side. She is very passionate about her job and our story and I know she is going to do a kick ass job at pitching our book. So yesterday, I had a moment of letting myself be proud. I am so hard on myself normally that I don’t allow the proud moments to come very often. Yesterday, I did. This is something I am so excited for and so very proud of. I know this book is going to be so very beautiful and it will only help in raising even more awareness. Now, if we can just get the millions and millions of dollars to create this Neuroblastoma center. I keep telling myself to be patient. But it is so very hard when all these kids are not getting the very best care that they deserve. It is so very hard when I am just having to sit back and watch them die, over and over again. Neuroblastoma is the deadliest of all the childhood cancers. I am not going to sit back and twiddle my thumbs and do nothing about that. I know this can change, if it just got the attention and funds that it so lacks.

What did your Sparkly say to me the other day? I think it went a little something like this.

“I think when you started Ronan’s Foundation, you thought it was something you were only going to do for a short amount of time. You do realize now, that this is the only thing you are going to do for the rest of your life, right? That this is what you were put here to do and you are going to do this until the day you die, right?”

I just looked at him and paused for a minute. “You might be right. I think I maybe had a moment very early on that I thought I would only do this for a short amount of time. I now realize that this is the only thing I am passionate about in life. I wouldn’t still be here pouring all of my blood, sweat and tears into this if I just thought it was going to be a moment in time. This is my entire life now, for the rest of my life. I’m not stopping until I’m dead. Or until cancer is dead, whichever comes first.”

So, back to the book. My hopes are to have it come out in September 2013, just in time for childhood cancer awareness month. But all that depends on a lot of things. I am just so very excited to have this opportunity, even though it is a story I wish I didn’t have to tell. I would give anything to just have you here and not to have a fucking book written about you because you died. But I know this book is going to help a lot of people and it is going to do a lot of good in the world. I promise to tell your story the way it deserves to be told. I promise to make you proud. Thank you, Ro baby, for believing in me and making me continue to write. You fuel my fire for everything I do, say and feel. Thank you for giving me the strength and the courage to be honest about everything I am going through and to not be ashamed of any of it no matter what others may say. Without this blog, none of the amazing things that have come my way, would be happening. I am proud of myself for not being afraid to tell it like it is. That all comes from you because I know the way you lived your life; so very wild and free. You are my inspiration for everything. I love you.

Today, I took Quinn to breakfast. He opened up the little box that I keep in my purse with some of your ashes in it. He asked why we weren’t there when they “burned you.”I answered his question as best I could while vowing to fix all of this. No sibling in the world should have to sit with their mom, before breakfast, touching their baby brothers ashes. Fuck you cancer. You fucked with the wrong mama.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

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52 thoughts on “Yesterday, I put on some red lipstick and signed a contract.

  1. Bethany

    Do not ever be hard on yourself, Maya! You should be proud every single moment of every day. Be proud of yourself for being a wonderful mother, wife, writer and and be proud of all you are doing. These kids need you, they need all of us. You are making changes and that is something you should be so very proud of. Big changes take time, a lot of time and you are building up to the huge changes that you are going to make in this world and for these kids. I am so excited for you and I can not wait to read you book and spread the word to everyone I know about it in hopes that they to will purchase a copy, read it and be truly touched and inspired by your writing. Wishing you the best of luck with all that you do and also wishing you and your family a happy, enjoyable and peaceful holiday. You are making Ronan so proud and you need to make sure you are proud of yourself too, every single day because you are an incredible person! xoxo.

    Bethany

  2. dri

    Maya, I can not wait, I will be one of the 1st in line to buy your book! You are a truly awesome mama! With lots of love to you and your family, Dru

  3. Chelsea

    I’ve already told everyone I know about this book last night! I am so very excited and know Ro is behind all of this!

  4. Dani

    You fucking rock, Maya! You are doing romazing things and we are all so proud of you. And yep, cancer fucked with the wrong mama. Take that mother fucker out!!!

  5. Laura

    So proud of you. You have touched so many lifes with your blog. I am proud that you are taking the steps to get Ronan story published. I know you are going to get this done for September. As always my love and thoughts are with your entire family.

  6. Irene

    You know what Maya?I was thinking about a Ronan book today, whilst trying to catch the bus to see my bestfriend.I was actually thinking “Maya must write a book about Ronan’s story, to inspire more and more people to spread the word about childood cancer.Everyone should read it and love it, because it will be amazing and inspiring”.And then, later, I found a new post from Rockstar Ronan in my email about a Ronan book.This is actually the first time I leave a comment, and well, I have to say that I found out about your blog throught Taylor Swift’s song “Ronan”.I am only 14, I started my first year of high school and I remember the night before the very first day, packing all my things for school, listening to Ronan.And I ended up crying like there wouldn’t be tomorrow and I thought”This will be the year where I’ll do all the things Ronan won’t be able to do.Because I feel now more thankful for the life I have.”This is how I started my year.It’s very difficult, but when I feel like I can’t cope with all this, I think about Ronan.And he gives me strenght.So thank you for writing every post on this blog, because you inspire me.This comment is soooo long, but it’s worth it 😀

  7. Angela

    I do not even know you but have such a huge amount if faith that you will achieve all of your goals. You are an amazing mother and an amazing woman. Ronan’s life was not in vain.

  8. Melissa V

    May you live a long and beautiful life where Neuroblastoma is murdering children no more. Love you and so proud of all you are doing. I am so very sorry that Ronan was the one to change the face of Neuroblastoma and childhood cancer.

  9. Melissa V

    I must clarify….I hope long and beautiful are not offensive, sweet Mama. I imagine that you long to be with Ronan sooner rather than later–but I also know how much this world and your family needs you–so it is a long life that I must wish for you. And if you are stuck here a long time….may it be filled with beauty–despite your unending pain.

  10. Joni

    Dear Maya… I have been reading your blog for some time, and have wanted to post. But finally I know what to say….thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!! This book will be Romazing!!! I just know it will touch people and make a difference in the world of pediatric cancer!! You have the love, spunk and determination to write the story everyone needs to read. My son survived, but we know so many others who were stolen by this evil beast. He had Rhabdomyosarcoma at age 7 and yes we are so very thankful he is with us today, 16 years later. (In a side note, jordan is my 3rd born son and we also had a girl after him….hmmmmm) But we will always grieve for the many who unfairly are not here where they belong. I’m so proud of you and Ronan; he will give you every perfect word. I can’t wait to get my copy and the many I will buy for others!! Bless you for your willingness to do everything possible to make the world aware and to end this madness for other children and their families. I yearn to see September light up in gold next and every September. Thank you so much Maya…love to you.

  11. Chloe

    SO excited for you and so proud of you. You are your little Brad Pitt baby are ROCKING THIS WORLD! Look out cancer, you messed with the wrong army! Can’t wait to hold that book in my hands knowing it’s another step to kicking cancer’s ASS! Love you Maya, you fucking rock!

  12. Rachel

    Wow I can not wait to read your Ro Baby’s story !

    You are amazing …. seriously I read your blog and it makes me cry everytime I have a little boy who is 18 months and if I was in your position I just wish for an ounce of your strength, determination, love, courage, and passion to fight against this horrible disease you are an inspiration!!!

    You fucked with the wrong mama!!……
    You sure fucking did!!!

    X x x x

  13. Glenda

    RoMama,
    When I met you at the spicy monkey trunk show you told me “ill let you in on a little secret, I was approached about a book and I need to go to NY”. I felt privileged / honored that you shared that little secret with me. Someone you had just met. I wanted to bust at my seams. I’m glad you can talk about it now. I’m so proud of everything you & Ro are doing for pediatric cancer and awareness.

    Can’t wait!!! Ill be there for your Phx book signing!!! Rolove always!!! XO

    Take care of you & Poppy!!!

  14. Ali B

    So proud of you and Ro. Though I can’t wait to read the book I wish it never had to be written…by any parent. I wish the governments of the world had been putting the money into this cause 20 years ago so that the outcome for these kids would be so very different.

    It is so amazing though how these things just seem to fall into place for you…at the right time with the right people. It speaks volumes for how you are doing the right things to get this out there into the public eye – forcing people (your blog readers included) to get their heads out of their asses and see children’s cancer for what it really is.

    Sparkly is so right – this is your path. You got dealt a shitty hand but you have taken that and turned it into something that is so beautiful in all of its sadness and fuckedupness.

  15. Lani

    Oh my goodness! I am so excited! I had a feeling it would be this. This is amazing….I can’t wait to read it and make all of my friends read it. Stay strong Maya! Keep inspiring the world.

  16. Shamrock09

    What a team you pair make!!!!!

    United forever in eternal love.

    Poor little Quinn, but so sweet that u bring Ro with you wherever you go. Probably the most loved little baby boy – ever!!!!!

    Xxxxx

  17. Lidia Giubilaro

    Maya I will definitely be looking out for your book!( Please make sure it ships to Canada..
    For some reason I was never able to download Ronan’s song from iTunes? I kept getting a message saying only available on USA iTunes.. )
    Anyways, you are always doing GREAT things..I just love all that you do and all that you are. Thinking of you guys always..xoxo

    1. Marthe

      If you go to Taylorswift.com, you should be able to buy the song directly from there, if you have a credit card. All the money still goes to cancer research 🙂

  18. Elizabeth

    Like many people, I started reading your blog after watching Stand Up 2 Cancer. Taylor Swift’s song was so beautiful. So, I started reading your blog from Day 1. I have only been blessed with one daughter. Your words and actions have inspired me to be a better mother to her. I have a chronic condition and often don’t feel like doing things. I think of your precious boy and it pushes me to do more.

    I have thought that you need to write a book. You are so honest and open. I am so proud that this dream is finally happening. It is fucked up that you had to loose Ronan so that you could help others. What you are doing is beyond amazing. I just know that so many lives have been touched by your words and the love story of you and Ronan.

    Congratulations on the book! I can’t wait to read it. I am still reading the blog. It has made me laugh, cry, smile, and be angry. Cancer is an awful fucked up disease. My grandfather died from cancer and it was horrible to watch. Then my dad died too. But to loose a beautiful baby boy is unimaginable. Thank you for all that you are doing. I have shared your story with so many. Take care of that sweet Poppy and your guys!

  19. thetaylordiary

    Maya oh Maya,
    I have no words. Just tears. Tears of happiness. Tears of sadness. Tears of hope. Myself, along with many others, are so proud of you and your endurance. I am so lucky to know your story. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I wish it never happened because no one deserves this. However, you will change the world with what you and your family have overcome. Thank you for never giving up. Gosh, Ronan…what amazing things you have accomplished. Many thoughts are with you from me.

    Love, Taylor

  20. DreamOnAStar

    Hey Maya please take care of yourself you really need to.You deserve so much to take care of you the best you can;it broke my heart when you went to the hospital,why damaging your health?you need to take care of yourself the best you can for you and for little Poppy.so please no more insomnia and eat all kind of healthy food for you and little Poppy.Its so easy to sleep well,you just need to close your eyes and everything will be all right.Please Maya take care of yourself,we love you and little Poppy.We want you to be the healthiest ever with eating lots of healthy food and nice hours of resting sleep. No more insomnia and now beautiful long hours of resting sleep,you dont need to get worried,everything will be all right for you. Please no more damage on your health.Sending love and hopes for you all.

    1. Tifani

      How can you sy it’s easy to sleep well and just close your eyes? That is the most ridicilous thing I’ve heard!! She lost her baby!! I’m sure she would think this statement goes along with “time heals all wounds” you should open your eyes and realize her life will never be the same and nothing will be easy for her again!

  21. summer

    I am so excited about this book, but sad at the same time. Even though I have never met you or your family, I think you are kick a** mamma and you have awesome famiy and friends by your side. I know you don’t believe in prayer, but I do and I have been praying for you and I believe in you. I know you are going to change this world for the better, I already see it happening. Thank you for sharing your story with the world. It has changed me, and I know it has changed others. THANK YOU!!! Summer-louisiana

  22. Colleen Fisher

    Way to go, Ro and Maya! What amazing news! Your story is spreading like wildfire in the best way possible! ❤

  23. Kodiak My Little Grizzly

    This is really cool that you are writing a book… I’m glad you got sleep… When you don’t get sleep and rest it messes with a mommas emotions big time…
    My monkey keeps me to about 4 or 5 hours a night. But I’m still thankful to have home and his brother and sister each and every day. You are blesses to have the twins and now Poppy. Bot you heart grows and the hole there will still be there. It’s funny how love is…
    🙂

  24. Kodiak My Little Grizzly

    Maya,
    Have you ever heard the song “over you” by Maranda Lambert and her husband Blake Shelton? He lost his older brother when he was 14. Thought your family would recognize the song “but I’m not going to ever get over you”
    I’m so sorry you have lost your little guy!

  25. Amy Caudill

    I am soooo excited that you are writing a book. I used to consider emailing and suggesting that you write a book but thought, you are so smart and wonderful that surely you had already came up with that idea on your own.You have a wonderful way with words. I read your blogs and laugh with you, I cry with you, I cry for you. You are such an amazing person. You are so strong. I dont really know you but at the same time, you have changed my life. I am so grateful for the little things in life because of you. I am sorry that you have had to deal with such a shitty hand in life but I am sure that you are going to change the world because of it! Keep up the hard work. You are such an inspiration to so many people!

  26. Katie A.

    Change the statistics Maya!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! I’m SO sorry for your sweet little baby boy! Now kill that fucking asshole named cancer! So many people are so damned proud that YOU ARE THE VOICE THESE BABES DON’T HAVE!!!!

  27. Stephanie

    I’ll be first in line to buy your book. So excited for this and for you! This should definitely help generate some funds for the center! I enjoy reading your blog so much and I can only imagine how many new people will hear about Ronan with this book. I’m glad you’re finally getting some sleep. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re an inspiration to many with your kick ass attitude.

  28. heckbell18

    Maya, it is 3:08am I have reading all your blogs since the day you started , I heard your heartfelt story thru Taylor Swift , I couldn’t help but to find out y she wrote such a beautiful song 🙂 I googled Ronan and this is where I ended ! I dont blog but I opened an account just cause of your inspiring story. You inspire me to be the best mom I can be . Ronan is lucky to have had you as a mommy you are truly inspirational. Thru your blogs I feel like I new the little guy and you.. I will never ever forget him !! He will always be in my heart and your family will always be in my prayers. Thanks for making me realize the things that are most important in life ;)I will live every day to the fullest and show my two baby’s all the love I’m Capable of giving .. Thank you so much ‘nn

  29. Chris

    I am on your team Maya – and the millions of people who have read and been moved by your blog will be on your team. You are the Warrior who will lead a global effort against cancer that the governments HAVE NOT, in honor of your beautiful Ronan. And everyone wants to be on a team like that.

  30. Jenn

    You are amazing. I wish this wasn’t a story you had to tell, I really do. I lost my son yesterday for about 6 minutes at an amusement park. I have never had that much panic and fear in my life. I found him within 6 minutes just standing there waving his light up wand smiling. I cried the whole time I was looking for him, but I was so lucky to find him. It made me think of how you are always looking for you. I cannot imagine being you for just one minute of any given day. That 6 minutes was so horrible for me…and you’ve been looking for so long. Maya, I’m so sorry, so very sorry. I ask my kids every night not to get sick..please don’t get sick because I could not handle it. You may think you are not handling it, but you really are. I could not do anything you are doing, especially this quickly. You are a true inspiration and I cannot wait to buy your book. I hope you do a book signing…I would love to stand in that line and get one minute to meet someone who I can truly call a hero.

  31. Naïma

    please, please tell me one way or the other it will be possible for us people overseas to put our hands upon that book! it’s probably gonna be a new bible for me (along with your blog): I am sure you don’t know the impact of your words on us readers Maya, but you really taught me to live every single moment to its fullest and be grateful for everyone and everything I have. You turned many pity parties into “now lets get the best out of this situation”.
    Thank you and Ro for that.
    You’re an inspiration.
    Thank you again.
    Love

  32. Deanna Lawrence

    I think you may need this cause as much as it needs you! You are doing such great things, and I have no doubt that Ronan is so proud of his feisty mama! I truly believe that those we love who’ve gone before us watch over us and help when they can, and I’m sure Ronan is among them. Thank you for all the love and energy you are pouring into this for other suffering families. That is true heroism. You deserve to step back for a minute and see yourself the way the rest of us see you.

  33. Keirstin

    A book?! Wow that’s so fantastic!! I’ll be buying my copy the day it comes out in print!!! You’re so right, cancer fucked with the wrong mama and that bitch is going down!! Thinking of you and Ro everyday, we will win this fight!!

  34. MIchelle H.

    I’m so happy for you! I, along with so many (clearly!), have thought you should write a book from the beginning. I’m so glad this opportunity presented itself in such an organic way, as so much seems to do with sweet Ronan at the helm. xoxo

  35. Keirstin

    I wanted to share a quick story with you that I thought you’d get a kick out of! Yesterday my friend and I met up at a park in Scottsdale to let out boys play. I was just telling my friend I’m trying to not be such a “helicopter mom” and let Jeffy my 2 year run a little ahead of me without me freaking out while his wild and free 5 year brotherly runs the park. Well Jeffy runs up to a bike rack at sticks his head through the space between the bar and the wall and gets stuck!! I of course try to free him unsuccessfully!! My friend and I lotioned him up, a nice man tried to help us with no success. I tried pulling Jeffy up which was a huge mistake!! The wall was closer to the pole and he was stuck and I couldn’t move him at all, then I started to panic because now he was high enough his feet were off the ground and if I had let him to he could have been strangled!! That’s when I started to panic and get upset and yelled for my friend to call 911!! My friend said don’t panic and it snapped me back into to mommy mode and I realized I had to stay calm and strong for Jeffy’s sake, he was so upset:( I managed to get him down, still stuck, but at least it wasn’t as scary!! The fire department and some police came out and after 20 minutes of failed attempts they finally freed my baby by disassembling the bike rack!! I was SO thankful and I have to tell you the Firehouse in Scottsdale Unit E603 was amazing!!! They couldn’t have been more loving to my Jeffrey!!

    Since I found Ro, I am a self proclaimed pedatric cancer actavist!! So of course I talk about these issues daily and of course I’m always thinking of the kids and families who are suffering. So yesterday I was completely helpless to help my son who was crying his eyes out for “mama” to help him, of course it took my thoughts to parents of these kids fighting cancer, they’d do anything and how helpless they must feel. I feel for you guys so much!! You’re right, Maya, not everything happens for a reason and I’ll never believe Ro and SuperTy were meant to die!! This is fucked up and I will stand behind and fight in this army for you and Ronan until we win!!

  36. Kristine Hall

    Maya,
    I’m glad you took the time to realize that you do deserve to be proud. You are moving mountains for your precious Robaby and so many other children fighting cancer. Your an inspiration and it sounds like your body took the time it needed to regroup, rest and now you have rekindle that fire youve been lighting under Cancers ass!! Go get em Maya you’ve got the a whole group of sparkly supporters to back you!!! Hugs to you, Woody, the twins and lil Poppy!!

  37. Mia

    I am so sorry about Ronan. Every time I listen to “Ronan”, I feel like I am going to burst open and cry like there is no tomorrow. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like for you to take another step forward and write a book, while it must be hard just to open your eyes and look at the world every morning.

    Keep fighting this fire, think of the prize…no more cancer. I don’t know how to put this but, you really moved me, beyond a way words can describe. I want to thank you for that. I love reading your blog, it makes my heart hurt of the way you must miss your little Robaby. I can’t imagine the way you must feel. I am so sorry to your family and the the families of the fighters and angels out there. Just keep fighting the fire.

    Never forget that this pain will never be over, but over time it will greatly lessen because of the new joys your life will give you. You are a strong mama and for that you should be very proud. Keep climbing your mountain, someday you will reach the top. Because of you (and Ronan) I don’t take small things in life for granted, I don’t care so much about the presents under the tree at Christmas. I enjoy the special time with my family, I need to thank you for that. That is the biggest gift I could have asked for.

    I can’t wait until your book comes out.

  38. myheartisinit

    I am buying this book and I’m going to buy a copy for every single person I know. I was so naive about all this until I stumbled across your blog several months ago. One look at that beautiful blue-eyed boy and I was hooked. Your fearlessness in talking about this, sharing your heart and your pain has made such a profound impact on me. Keep talking, Maya. I know it all sucks so much but you ARE making a difference.

  39. Erin

    I will buy the book for my friends and myself, I would love to support anything to help with the foundation. You have lots of support. You are not alone Maya! I know we cant feel your pain, but feel our own pain from your love story we’ve come to know, and from one mother to another I just want you to know we care! Alot of people do! Best of luck to you on this long journey sweetie!

  40. Samantha

    I already want to buy it – I have my tissues ready 🙂 I have been following your story and, as a mother, have NO IDEA how you do what you do. Thank you for inspiring me as a mother. I have never met you but i LOVE YOU and Ronan! Keep doing what you are doing and together we will all kick cancers ass!!!!

  41. kaileecrawford

    I guess Christmas shopping will be a no brain-er next year… Looks like there will be many people around here reading a new book next Christmas.. But I will already have read it a hundred times over by then! :’) This is huge Maya! So great!!!

  42. Jessi

    YAY! I have thought about you doing a book and how awesome it would be to raise more awareness and more money- this is SO AWESOME! I am so so thrilled to read this. Everything that has come your way- it is just incredible. Cancer did fuck with wrong mom.

    Or the right one. Which ever way you prefer to look at it. We are all so very much behind you in everything. Hope PoppyGirl is doing great. Xoxo.

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