I Hate 18 months Without You. And Cancer is an Asshole.


Ronan. Most days, I honestly don’t know how I am surviving without you. I’ll just be doing normal things like walking through a store and suddenly I’ll have a flashback of you dying. Then I’ll think to myself, “How can you be walking through this store, when Ronan is dead? You have a dead child. You shouldn’t be here. You should be dead, too.” I still wish for death, but I guess it is less often than I used to. I am able to think a little more clearly about why me dying, would not be a good thing for anybody, including myself. I see the bit growing I have done. I look back at a year from now and I know I was in a really bad place. I guess as of today, my place of existence is a little less dark and I see this due to the process that is being made and all the things I am doing. I let this bring me back from the ledge when I feel like jumping. I have to sit back and be mindful of every single thought I have as I know my impulsive ways could easily get the best of me. Everything I do is so carefully thought out now. It has to be, otherwise I risk too much in this life. I still have a lot to lose, even though some days it feels as though I have lost everything.

I had to film a video yesterday. I felt like I was doing a public service notice and in a way, I guess I kind of was. I sat around Fernanda’s table with Stacy, Melissa, and Fernanda, to get this done. It was hard but looking at the 3 of them gave me the strength to do what I had to do. That and my little talk with you. I started off my video with saying, “I am the mother of a child who was murdered by childhood cancer.” That is our truth. You were murdered and maybe if I start putting this in a sentence that really hits people, they will listen. Fernanda talks about what we went through, the same way I do. I should have put her on video to tell the story with all of her mexican spunk and passion which I love so much. “We watched as Ronan was murdered before our very eyes and there was nothing we could do. It’s like all these kids are being put into a war zone and snipers are shooting their heads off one by one. If that were the case, the President would be called. He would put a stop to this! The world would be in an uproar. It is the same thing happening with childhood cancer, only nobody is calling in the troops! I do not understand this! Where is all the help?!” I listened to my friend, so thankful but not thankful that she understands this almost as well as I do. I wish she didn’t. But I am so glad she is still here fighting with us. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.
This problem has gone on so much longer than before you, Ronan. What will it take to change this? I can feel things slowly changing, I think. But slowly is not a good thing when every single day, kids lives are at stake. I am doing the best I can, but it feels like it is not enough. Nothing will ever be good enough. There are too many Ronan’s, Ezra’s, Ava’s, Hazen’s, Penelope’s, Ben’s, Charlotte’s, etc, etc, etc….. in the world. Too many kids that should have been saved, but sadly were not. I know I can’t bring them back, but every single child that has died from childhood cancer deserves to have this mother fucker taken down to china town. We all owe this to our kids. Even the one’s who are still here.
Today, I woke up not feeling well. Liam was not feeling well either, but I took him to school and told him to see if he could tough it out. I had a “meeting,” to go to which really just consisted of some foundation things to get done but it was important so I really wanted to go. I sat and hashed some things out. I am so sure of what it is I am doing in regards to you, your life, your death, and how we will honor you, as your parents. Nothing is clearer to me. I’ve never been one to second guess myself, Ro. Especially when it comes to you. I am not about to start. It seems as if I’ve done alright, so far. Look at everything that has happened due to me listening to myself and following my heart and your lead. I did not get her by being a fool or having an agenda. My only agenda is you. I know what it is, you want me to do. Helping this cause is the only thing I want to do in life. Gone are the days of wanting to be a therapist or even just a stay at home mom. Gone are the days when I thought I had a choice in regards to what my life would look like. I would have never wished to be here, doing what I am doing now. But this was not my choice. I have been picked to fight a war and fight is what I will do. For the rest of my life. For you.
Tomorrow, it will be a year and a half without you. I cannot even believe this. I had a little meltdown today. Stacy called while I was laying on my bed, sobbing. If she would have called me 4 months ago during this, I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. Today, my friend called and I picked up. I didn’t hide the fact that I was breaking down. I sat and cried to her. She talked and listened. She told me she how badly she wishes she could bring you back. I told her that I knew that. How everybody wishes that for me. For all of us. We talked for a little while longer. I told her I was going to see Dr. JoRo later and she thought that was a really good idea. I desperately needed it today. Especially today. I drove to Dr. JoRo’s office. It started raining on my way there. Of course it did. I sat in Jo’s office and told her I could not believe it had almost been 2 months since I have had a session with her. That is much too long for me to go, without talking to her. We talked a lot about Poppy and my fears. How I am not feeling attached yet because it is my way of protecting myself in case something happens and Poppy dies. I told you Ronan that I wish my mind didn’t work this way but it does now and I’m not going to deny this. I am not afraid to talk about all of my fear and doubts. Dr. Jo told me this was totally normal after going through something so traumatic. We talked a lot about how I am dealing with everything. She told me the only thing she worries about is how hard I am on myself with everything I do, think, and feel. How she knows I am still punishing myself which is why it’s so hard for me to take the time to do things that are nice for myself or feel good. She says she knows I am going to love your little Poppy so much and has no doubt I will be the best mama to her. Deep down I know this, too. I talked to her about how I haven’t been preparing for this baby in any way. How I tried the other day to go and maybe pick out some sweet little baby clothes for her but all the baby girl clothes made me mad and I wanted to punch out all the Pink baby shit everywhere. How I got so upset because I just wanted to be picking out clothes for you. I should be buying clothes for both you and Poppy, not one over the other. I had to leave the store and didn’t end up buying a thing. I told her that I want nothing to do with decorating Poppy’s nursery. Maybe that will change in the next few months but I have no interest in preparing for anything yet. This of course comes with a lot of guilt. As if I need anymore guilt in my life. I live with the guilt of not being able to save you, every single day. It was good to see Dr. Jo today. As always, she is such a voice of reason and I trust her with everything. I am so lucky you brought her to me. Thanks, baby doll.
I’m going to go now, little one. The day has been long and I’m too sad to write anymore tonight. Tomorrow will be here soon. Maybe you will make it rain. I will try to do something nice for you.  Or maybe for myself. Always someone else. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
xoxo
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45 thoughts on “I Hate 18 months Without You. And Cancer is an Asshole.

  1. Maddie B.

    It rained here in So Cal today. I knew that it was Ro! You are amazing, and strong! Keep on going, I will support your fight until we kick cancer’s ass for good!

  2. Erika

    Maya,

    I seriously don’t know how you or any other mom lives another day without their child (children). You and all these other parents that are able to wake up for another day is unbelievable. I have a 4.5 little girl and a 9yr old son. I pray I never in my life never have to go through ever losing one of my children and I know for a fact that would be something I could not survive. On Sunday I had to rush my little girl to the ER and the fear that comes over your body when your child is hurt and what could happen because of it. She is fine now thank god but I thought about you and Ronan and all you both went through and realized how truly lucky I am to have my children with me.
    You are strong and amazing and we all support you!

    How can we see the video you taped ?
    – Erika
    Mesa, AZ

    1. Beth

      The thing that I’ve learned is that unfortunately you do survive. If your child dies, you will survive. That is the worst part of it. And every parent thinks they “would die”. But you don’t. You want to. But you don’t.

  3. Megan Erlenbusch

    Mama you are amazing. Ronan would be so proud of you. Ro bless and I hope your baby can make it rain tomorrow. He is the reason , amongst others, that you are keeping yourself together. ❤❤❤

  4. liz

    They are two wars. The war of figthing the cancer then the war of living wihtout your child. Hug,just cause you need them in this war.

  5. Anonymous

    Maya, I’m so sorry you had such a bad day 😦 Don’t feel guilty about not wanting to pick out clothes or decorate a nursery — it’s such minor stuff in the long run and can be done in a few days time if you want to put it off for awhile. And while it’s no consolation,I wanted to let you know that I and thousands of other moms out there are so, so proud of you. You really are helping to make such a difference. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes…. but I certainly don’t think I would be capable of doing half of the awareness and fundraising and other critical initiatives you are seeing through.

  6. Whitney

    I just spent the last couple days, hours at a time, reading this entire blog. I found myself smiling in some of the sweet things about your family, crying about the horrible 8 months you and Ronan went through, feeling heartbroken over his death, and smiling and crying at the same time through you’re strength. I have a 7 month old girl, she’s had a few health issues and I remember that feeling of automatically planning her funeral when she would get sick and have a hospital stay.. it’s hard to imagine having to actually live with that feeling every day and actually having to go through with it. I find inspiration in your how honest and real you are. When you’re angry and question God you say so and you cuss and you’re not ashamed of your feelings. I love that. Keep raising awareness, I will keep praying, and help you in this fight in Ronans memory and for every child that suffers through this. God bless you.

  7. kellymareesmith

    Hi Maya,
    I saw a bumper sticker tonight and thought of you. It said “Well behaved women never make history”. You and Ronan are really shaking things up, and I know you’re going to turn childhood cancer on its head. You are amazing. You won’t take no for an answer. Thinking of you and your beautiful boy tomorrow and always. xo

  8. Beth

    I just came from a fundraiser for the Taylor Haugen foundation. Your blog, that
    night along with my day at work has left me sobbing.
    See, today at work, I talked about your precious boy. Ronan. Because I work at Ann Taylor Loft, and we raise money for St Jude’s. I had a long talk with our manager about you and Ronan today. And we cried. Because without knowing it, we both know about you and your story. And it deeply affected our lives. she actually talked about Ronan on a conference call when they were talking about ways to raise money for St Jude’s.
    Four and a half years ago my life changed when Taylor died. My whole perspective on life and parenting was forever changed. Then I came across your story, out of the blue, while trying to find a Taylor Swift song. Little did I know that I would cry for DAYS after I found you and your blog.
    Your story ripped open my heart again. My heart aches for you. I have informed countless people about the facts of childhood cancer. Facts I didn’t know until I knew Ronan’s story. The fact that the entire NATION isn’t covered in gold in September pisses me off. Now. Not a few months ago. But now. I just taught two new people about this. And I swear I will continue to.
    St. Jude’s has a special place in my heart. A very good friend of mine lost her 18 year old step daughter to a rare form of cancer a couple of years ago. when she told me about the diagnosis, she didn’t know what to do. I told her to go to St. Jude’s. And they did. It didn’t cure Holly, but it was the best place she could have gone. The fact that she died is in acceptable. I understand that now. Because of YOU.
    Thank your for all that you have done and continue to do. I wish you didn’t have to though. I wish that you were a “regular” mom, just like me.

  9. Ali B

    I know you don’t go back and read what you have written, but I often go back to the same time last year just to give some perspective on how far you have come in this journey that no parent should have to go on. You have come a long way, Maya…and you have a long way to go. But you won’t be on your own xo

    1. Juliana

      I always want to say some comforting words but it seems their are no words to make sense of it all. I am so sorry you hurt so much. 😦

  10. Melanie Addis

    I don’t want this to sound bad, and I have somewhat of an idea of how hard the Poppy thing can be. I lost my son to the beast also. It has been one year and five months. I know my baby went right to Heaven and I am sure your baby is there with him. I am not a good Catholic, as I haven’t been to church in ages. People don’t understand this since I lost Jordan. They think that that would be the one thing to throw me back into church. Not!! I feel Jordan’s presence so strong in our home in our barn. They were his favorite places to be. I almost wrote are again. Past tense is so hard when it comes to him. My 25 year old daughter Amanda had my grand baby Olivia Jordan one and a half months ago. It was so hard for me. I know it’s not the same as being pregnant, but I was with May daily and almost felt jealous and definitely felt empty. It made the hole inside of me feel bigger. I will tell you though that now that she is here. I am OK!!! I love her and often see her uncle in her eyes. Jordan was 14 years old when he passed. He was always the special one out of my four. He was so calm and wise, always smiling and laughing. I know the pain you feel and I deal with it daily. I find my strength from him. He was so strong when battling the monster. I always remember walking the Hot Unit halls with him pushing his IV pole and me with my arm around him. I was supposed to be holding him, but as I walked next to him I could feel his strength. That is why I thought he would make it. The hardest part for me is that he had survived so much. He was in remission when he passed. He had a bone marrow transplant and three months later got idiopathic pneumonia syndrome. It is a side effect of the lovely chemo and radiation. Jordan was a football player, 220 pounds of solid muscle with a heart so large, it filled his whole chest. He was a caretaker who loved filling the emotional needs of his two big sisters, his little brother and me and my husband. I always knew he was special, but once he was gone it resonated with so many others. Jordan had an affect on all he met. The end was hell for us. He slowly lost his breath until we had to intabate him. I had to help hold him down and those memories will haunt me forever. He fought so hard to breathe for us. He was on a ventilator for a month and could not communicate, only with his eyes. One of the last days of his life, he tried to speak to me. With every attempt his face cringed and he cried. I would give my life just to hear those last words. My family was robbed of so much, first and foremost by the cancer and secondly by a Doctor who had lost his way. I felt angry for so long, but have been able to move past that. Now I have good days and bad. We all do. We try to help one another on the bad days and vow never to have them at the same time. For that would cause us all to unravel. My thirteen year old is finally seeing some light in his eyes. It was gone for so long. My 23 year old struggles silently, as I try to pry things from the depths of her insides. Thank God she is living at home. My 25 year old is on doing well with the birth of her new baby girl. She is feeling happiness. My husband and I lean on one another well. We have become so good at helping each other. I could not have survived without him. Having fun together helps. We spend all our free time together and the laughter is beginning to come back. I give all the credit to Jordan. I know he is with us all the time, and without that we would not be surviving. I know life will always be hard now, but I have vowed to my baby to live each day with finding things to help me become happy again. All he wanted to do was live and I will not waste my life, no matter how hard it can be. I hope you can find a way to do the same. I pray that you will find comfort in the birth of Poppy and that your baby will bring your spirit back to you. We need to be the mothers that we were before the beast robbed us so that our angels will recognize us when we meet them again!!! Peace to your soul!!! You are not alone!!!

  11. Jenn

    Lot’s of love sent your way. Always thinking of you. I will never forget your story and I will always be behind everything you do…always. You are amazing, and I will never stop telling you this. Thank you for being you.

  12. Kelly

    Dear Ronan and family,
    I have been wanting to write for some time but haven’t had the words to say. I am a SGT in the US Army and after hearing Ronan’s song and reading all of your blogs and looking at his pictures I felt I had to do something to save lives. You have truly inspired me. Every morning as I put on my army uniform I play “Ronan” and try each day to make a difference for him. The past month I have been orchestrating a bone marrow drive on Fort Lee. Our goal was to get 1000 soldiers and families registered. After 2 days of hard work and dedication, we passed our goal! I wouldn’t stop until I got there and it was because of you Ronan! I plan to do this each year no matter where I am. I hope this gives you another meaning on “bringing in the troops” thank you for the strength you have that inspires people each day!

    Sgt C

  13. Sami J

    Mama you’re incredible. Your strength is so inspiring. I know you don’t think so right now, but Ronan would be so proud of you. I pray it rains for you today, that way you’ll know he’s there with you. I know saying how sorry I am probably doesn’t help you at this point, but I truly am. I cry every time I hear Taylor’s song, it is so beautiful. You still have an absolutely beautiful family and I know Poppy will be too. I hope she can help you all heal. Ronan would want that for you. Your story has truly inspired me, I wish I could help be a part of his foundation. You’re doing wonderfully amazing things with it, and that is something to be proud of. 🙂

    Prayers and love are with you always<3

  14. Rachel

    Maya….I have never had any personal experience with the death of a child….but ever since I heard about your story on the radio and heard Taylor Swift’s song, I feel like I can now understand and empathize all too well what your world must now be like. I have four children myself and since hearing about you and Ronan, I’ve stopped taking for granted my free time with them. TV shows no longer seem as important as sitting down and reading a book to my 2 and 5 year old. Every day I wake up with my children, I say a prayer of THANKS. I can’t stop thinking about you, Maya. Your strength amazes me…..your desire to FIGHT this bullshit murderer inspires ME to want to fight too…but most of all, your grief is what resonates deep within me….NO PARENT should EVER have to feel the grief you and thousands of other parents feel. I never thought I could feel so much for someone I’ve never met….<3 ❤ ❤

  15. Caitlin M.

    I can’t say i know how this all feels… I am still very young and just recently started reading this blog(maybe a month and a half now). I cant imagine your pain or having to do this at all. I am so very sorry for Ronan and all the pain you go through. Cancer runs in my family, and last year my grandmother had. It was the worst pain I ever felt. Some how she pulled through. I do Relay For Life every year, which is strange because not a lot of teenagers here do it. I want to help spread the word about Ronan in anyway possible. I may be young but all of us can make a difference. There needs to be a Relay For Life except for childhood cancer. if there was/is i would/will do it… I want to get his F U Cancer bracelet if possible.

    Keep staying Strong

  16. SF

    I was reading about pediatric cancer this morning and thought about you. According to the CDC and other national organizations, the mortality rates for pediatric cancer have decreased significantly in the last 30 years, which is great, BUT the incidence of childhood cancer keeps increasing in America. No doubt this is partly due to the plastics, carcinogens, and chemical toxins in our environment. Known carcinogens are still allowed to be used in commercial products like laundry detergent/fabric softener for example. Kids are more vulnerable to this than adults are….I honestly don’t know why this is allowed? More research needs to be done, not just on curing cancer, but preventative methods to stop people from getting it in the first place. Cancer is primarily a first-world disease for a reason.

    1. SF

      Just wanted to add: I work at a major NYC hospital and we just received a huge donation from the Tisch family (a really rich family that owns like a quarter of Manhattan lol) for pediatric brain cancer research! I know neuroblastoma is not brain cancer but the important thing is more pediatric cancer cases are getting funding. Little by little more awareness…next September there will be gold ribbons everywhere, I promise.

  17. Kelli

    Thinking of you & Ro, for a lil boy I never met I swear I feel him everywhere. I hope you feel your baby boy all around you today. Thank you for sharing y’all’s (bet you couldn’t guess I’m from Texas) story. Take care!

    Kelli

  18. Jessica

    Always thinking about you and Ronan. I always wear my Rockstar Ronan purple band. I have a 3 year old boy, and I always think what I would do without him, and i would probably want to die.IM SERIOUS. I find it so inspiring on how strong you are and how positive you are through all this. I agree with you on FUCK CANCER. My sister passed away when she was 8 from cancer 😦 I wish more people would put the awareness on Child Hood Cancer becuase not many people do. I’m starting to find it sickening when I see Breast Canser stuff everywhere. Where is the gold? 😦 I work for Mercedes-Benz and every October we do Breast Cancer Awareness month and I told them for september we will do everything in GOLD for Child Hood Cancer 🙂
    Oh and FUCK YOU CANCER !!!!!

  19. Erin

    Thinking of you and your family, you are all amazing! I hate how cancer robbed you of your sweet Ronan!!! I know Poppy will never replace Ronan, but I hope she brings so much of Ronan with her back into your life! I know we never met but you open up yourself to us even in your weakest moments and I LOVE YOU Romama! Your special and close to my heart, if I ever see you I’ll give you the biggest hug ever! You ROCK and FUCK CANCER!

  20. DonnaC

    I am boycotting Chick Filet. They donated $4M to an anti gay cause. $4M to a hateful cause that could have gone to research childhood cancer. What a crime. I work in the clinical trial industry and there are very few trials for pediatric cancers. You need to change this and be the voice that is missing.

  21. vanessa12009

    i really dont know how u wake up on mronings ………. u and all the other moms out there that have lose a child or children but keep strong and you would make it …..i dont know ronan but i love him and am sure he well always be with u ………………..i think off him all the time and tell people about him, that dont know i just feel like i should so they would all know and help fight this battle with us. the more people stand together the stronger we would be ……..
    xoxoxo

    vanessa

  22. Sheila

    Hang in there.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Love yourself.
    You are a beautiful person, you have given so much to others with the beauty in the truth that you write.

  23. Helena Klimon (@helena_klimon)

    Maya, my heart breaks into a million pieces for you. I can’t even to begin to comprehend what the pain must be like. I was thinking about Ro’s death today, and I thought well today is the 1 and a half year anniversary of his death, I should do something special for him. And then I thought about how “anniversary” is waaaay too happy a word. So I decided it should be “the yearly reminder of how much dick cancer sucks”. I thought you’d like that. I made you a couple things I thought you’d like too, (link #1: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_md7c302dXF1rhmiq3o1_500.jpg and link #2: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcxhtg4Opq1rhmiq3o1_500.png) Maya, you are my role model. You are the strongest person I know, you are the bravest, the kindest, the most stand-outy (not a word), the most outspoken, the most wonderful person in the world.

  24. Stacy

    It’s raining here in Ohio. Thinking of you and Ronan and holding you both in my heart. Keep fighting Mama. You are a true ass-kicker and a fucking force of nature and demonstrate daily the difference one person can make. You inspire us all.

  25. Barbara

    I found your blog through a friend and my heart aches for you. I do know how you feel because we lost our sweet son to cancer 20 years ago. You are saying everything I said out loud but couldn’t put down on paper. I also watched the Katie show today about your sweet Ronan. As tears ran down my face I was sad for you and me. We were cheated out of being mothers to our babies. I will continure to follow your blog and pray for you.

  26. amourningmom

    I hate 18 months for you. For me I hate the 7 years since our son Jake died and the 2 years since our son Sawyer died. After Jake died I always said if we have another child die just bury me too. But, we have 5 year old twins so I am somehow still here.

    We did not buy anything for them till they were home – and even then we did not get cribs for them till they were 3 months old (they slept in a double pack and play. Poppy will not know the difference if you have a closet full of clothes for her or not. All she needs is your love – which she already had.

    Sending you hope and hugs. Fuck you cancer!!

  27. Lori

    Dear Maya,
    I would first like to say how sorry I am that Ronan lost his battle. I had a thought about Ronan’ room, I could be totally out of line here. I know you have said that Ronan’s room was not a room you were willing to give up to make into Poppy’s nursery BUT what if u saved everything and when you open your Neuroblastoma Center you create “Ro’s Room”. I dream of it as being his room exactly as it is in your house and to be a room for other parents to see the hope they can have for their future, so they will know they will survive. I am sorry,it has been 18 months without Ro for you, I am spreading the word.

  28. Melissa V

    Just thinking of you. Hope you and your boys were given some signs and special love from Ro this weekend. I am sorry, so sorry. No mama, especially one as amazing as you should live without her baby for 18 months. Ever. On top of curing cancer….I agree with SF and would also like the government to man the fuck up and tell us why rates are skyrocketing–because I would bet they have some REAL ideas and life saving information about this very thing. Makes my stomach sick.

  29. Kim

    Ugh I’ve been reading your old posts to get caught up on all of this, and I read what you said about how scars do not always fade. And here I am posting the link to my blog called scarsalwaysfade. Anyways, I posted a picture back in june/july which is how I discovered Ronan. I don’t know if it was you who I messaged on the facebook account for Ro when I sent the picture but I guess I want to show you now. Because the resemblance is really uncanny.

    http://scarsalwaysfade.tumblr.com/post/34342725390

    Also, I was reading your older blog posts when “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” came on, on my ipod. I only know about it because of another Mama who lost her baby. I don’t know if it is your style music, Johnny Cash sings it too though!

    “The first time ever I saw your face
    I thought the sun rose in your eyes
    And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
    To the dark and the empty skies

    The first time ever I kissed your mouth
    I felt the earth move in my hands
    Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
    That was there at my command my love

    The first time ever I lay with you
    I felt your heart so close to mine
    And I knew our joy would fill the Earth
    And last, and last, and last till the end of time
    The first time ever I saw your face”

    Always, always, always thinking of you, Woody, and ALL of your boys. Every day, I keep you guys close to my heart and tell anyone who will listen about Ronan. I will always believe in you. I don’t know your pain, I’m not a parent. I couldn’t even imagine, the pain you write about is so raw that it hurts my heart to read it, it makes my heart beat fast and my eyes hot with tears. You are a wonderful woman, and a wonderful mother. I’ll always be grateful that you raised your voice about this horrible situation and didn’t sit back and let your grief consume you like you’ve wanted it to. I’m rooting for you guys, always. If I could bring Ronan back for you and trade places with him, I’d do it in a heartbeat for you. I really would. Stay safe Mama Maya ❤

  30. kbosson

    Ugh I’ve been reading your old posts to get caught up on all of this, and I read what you said about how scars do not always fade. And here I am posting the link to my blog called scarsalwaysfade. Anyways, I posted a picture back in june/july which is how I discovered Ronan. I don’t know if it was you who I messaged on the facebook account for Ro when I sent the picture but I guess I want to show you now. Because the resemblance is really uncanny.

    http://scarsalwaysfade.tumblr.com/post/34342725390

    Also, I was reading your older blog posts when “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” came on, on my ipod. I only know about it because of another Mama who lost her baby. I don’t know if it is your style music, Johnny Cash sings it too though!

    “The first time ever I saw your face
    I thought the sun rose in your eyes
    And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
    To the dark and the empty skies

    The first time ever I kissed your mouth
    I felt the earth move in my hands
    Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
    That was there at my command my love

    The first time ever I lay with you
    I felt your heart so close to mine
    And I knew our joy would fill the Earth
    And last, and last, and last till the end of time
    The first time ever I saw your face”

    Always, always, always thinking of you, Woody, and ALL of your boys. Every day, I keep you guys close to my heart and tell anyone who will listen about Ronan. I will always believe in you. I don’t know your pain, I’m not a parent. I couldn’t even imagine, the pain you write about is so raw that it hurts my heart to read it, it makes my heart beat fast and my eyes hot with tears. You are a wonderful woman, and a wonderful mother. I’ll always be grateful that you raised your voice about this horrible situation and didn’t sit back and let your grief consume you like you’ve wanted it to. I’m rooting for you guys, always. If I could bring Ronan back for you and trade places with him, I’d do it in a heartbeat for you. I really would. Stay safe Mama Maya ❤

  31. Kristine Hall

    Maya,

    I almost had a panic attack tonight…I have your Katie episode dvr’d. I don’t have the heart to delete it, however, my husband was going through the list to clean out the watched shows and selected it…I came unglued and started bawling. I’m sure he prob thinks I’m going crazy. I said “what if it was one of our sons, wouldn’t you want someone to connect with them and cherish them as much as we did???. Being the strong one in the marriage he worries about my sanity following such a sad story like Ronan’s. I can understand where he is coming from…there are days that just from reading a post from your blog I cry at the drop of a hat, or worry till I make myself sick thinking that my children will die because in my mind they are both going to be diagnosed with fucking cancer. Its not a worry that doesn’t have any substance…my father was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma, and fought it with chemo and radiation. He went into remission for ten years only to die from pnuemonia with MARS, it was a slow death and my mom and I watch him slip away from us for six long months. I couldn’t imagine going through that with a child…your so amazing!!! Just know Ronan is only part of your strength, yes he is creating the path your taking, and he has brought his family together the only way he knew how…with Poppy, but it is your strength that makes you get out of bed each day, your love of all you boys (Woody too..lol) that makes you fight the sad voices in your head and do the day to day activities that make a family work, and it’s revenge that pushes you to want to kick fucking cancers ass!!! Keep your chin up Maya…we are all here for you 🙂
    ((hugs)) to you, woody, the twins and a Budda rub to Miss Poppy Too!!!

  32. LizzieWren

    Maya,
    I have been reading since November, and I know I can’t say anything to help you.
    But Ronan was truly a rockstar. He was a strong little boy, and you fought it together.
    Cancer is the worst, and Ronan was… amazing. And he lives on through you.

  33. LizzieWren

    Maya,
    You are so strong. Ronam was truly a rockstar, and a strong, beautiful little man. You fought neuroblastoma together, and he lives on through you. Always praying for you. ❤
    ~Erin~

  34. apowell11

    Maya,
    I’m sure you don’t have time to read all of these comments, but I just had to tell you how amazing you are. I come to this blog every day now and my heart breaks for you and your family. The strength Ronan gives you to keep fighting this horrible monster called cancer is nothing short of breathtaking.
    You and your family are in my thoughts every single day.
    Love is being sent to you from Kansas City.

  35. belleloveronan

    Umm hi maya I’m Baifern from Philippines 🙂 I am totally a reader here and everything that I read about Ronan’s story it makes me cry.. You didn’t know me as well but the first time that I hear the song Ronan by Taylor it’s makes met and I started to research about Ronan, and tho is what I saw it really breaks my heart to find a story like your son he deserve to stay and leave into this world, his really a cute and a cutie baby ever 🙂 I wish your sadness might be gone soon and your son telling you that his ok 🙂 life is so short Maya keep saying I love you to everyone you loved because we didn’t know what’s our tomorrow,, I am here to support your son story 🙂 I leave here in Miami! I’m a big fan of Ronan wish you all the best and happiness thankyou and god bless 🙂

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